WSE 2008 : Cyber Series

[THE Mac Bry v2]

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October 17th, 2008
Live (on tape) on Pay-Per-View!
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[Jack Hoff is sitting...]

[Sitting in his comfy chair, tossing darts at a picture tacked to the front door.]

[The picture of the self-proclaimed "Rainbow World Champion", raYne.]

Jack: You want me? *tosses dart at picture* COME AND GET ME!

[As soon as a knock is heard at the door, Jack freaks out and scurries under the desk... shivering in his sandals.]

Jack: Er, uhm, uh... Who... Who's there?! ... *peeks head above the desk* IT BETTER NOT BE RAYNE! BECAUSE IF IT IS... I'LL... I'LL... *lowers head back down underneath desk top* ... I'll have to ask you to leave... PLEASE?

Voice: It's me sir... Mike Stand.

Jack: *lifts himself up from under the desk and rubs the back of his neck* Oh thank God... Uh, alright Mike, come on in.

[The door swings open, and Mike "The Interviewer" Stand walks into the office of Chairman Hoff... microphone in his hand. Mike steps toward the boss, and speaks into the stick.]

Mike: Hey there, Mr. Hoff... I was just wondering. Tonight's the big night. The night that the UnFed takes its first step into cementing itself as the top of the Sports Entertainment food chain. And I was wanting to ask you... "Scalded Dawg" Boom Boom Quaker announced in his latest "Rest Hold" that you would be defending the Sports Entertainment Heavyweight Title in a Triple Cage Match. Any chance you could allow the fans to know who exactly it is you'll be facing inside the triple decker cell? The world wants to know!

[Mike lifts the microphone to Jack's mouth... and Jack merely stares at Stand.]

Mike: ...

Jack: Mike... I'll allow the fans to know what I WANT them to know... WHEN I want them to know it. Now, you'll get that DAMN microphone away from my face, or I'll rip it out of your hand and shove it so far up your ASS your bowel movements will be echoing throughout this building for the remainder of the event! CAPICE?!

Mike: ... *lifts the microphone to his own mouth and turns to the camera* You heard it here fans! Jack Hoff vs raYne, tonight, inside the triple cage!

Jack: YOU LITTLE RAT! You're not supposed to know that! ... I MEAN... Uh...

Mike: Hey, I borrowed Rex Winters' copy of the script. So sue me.

Jack: I WILL! NOW GET THE F' OUT!!!

Mike: But - !

[Jack quickly shoves Mike out of the room, and slams the door... Jack begins to turn... when he spins back around and tears the picture of raYne off from the door. Staring at the photo as if he were locking eyes with the leader of the fWo himself, Jack begins to speak... frothing with hatred.]

Jack: You gay little BASTARD! Quit ruining my life! I hate you! I HATE YOOOUUU!!!~!!1!

[Jack immediately shreds the picture into pieces, before tossing them into the air in disgust. Jack then reaches into the pocket of his sweat pants, and pulls out another picture, tacking it to the door in raYne's place...]



(Jack heads back to his desk, but the camera stays glued to the picture. After a few moments pass... a dart flies through the air... stabbing the photo directly between the eyes. The camera stays upon this image, as Jack speaks off screen.)

Jack: Choke on THAT... SLAPNUTS!!!

[The screen fades.]

(A few crimson red words appear upon the black screen...)

"You sent us money."

> > > image of someone filling an envelope with the last two hundred dollar bills of their pay check... as they weep uncontrollably < < <

"You went broke ass poor."

> > > image of the same person, now a homeless crackhead... < < <

"And now? You're living in the Middle of Nowhere."

> > > image of the same person, again, now sleeping in the front row of the Middle of Nowhere Arena... the sight of tonight's epic pay-per-view event < < <

"Thank you."

"Thank you for the money..."

"Thank you for coming to our show..."

"And most of all, thank you..."

"For being gullible enough to believe it'll have any effect, whatsoever, on the outcome of tonight's polls!"

> > > image of the same person, one last time, this time texting on a cell phone. the person lifts the phone up, revealing the message :

- fuck u jack hoff!!!~!!1! -

"Cyber Series. WE are in control. ... But hey, thanks for the cash."

> > > image of jack hoff, smiling like crazy, fists filled with money. < < <

Jack Hoff: Because without your cash? I'd be just like YOU! And noone wants that. ... Enjoy the show, slapnuts!

[And it's time for PYRO~! The Middle of Nowhere is like an impact zone... or maybe just a minefield. Blasts go off everywhere, as the "fans". IE : stuffed animals, cardboard cut-outs, manequins, and homeless crackheads... most of which are here due to spending all of their rent money on "voting". Let's see just how "crucial" their cash was to the outcome of each of tonight's so-called "polls". The speakers blare with the Cyber Series theme song, Miley Cyrus' "See You Again". Maybe Jack is trying to attract SOME fan base... even if they are 13 year old girls. Hey, if it works for WWE and John Cena...]

[The camera pans across a small gathering of crackheads and winos, all huddled around a fire bursting forth from a trash can... before we settle upon Wes Rivers and Rex Russo, both seated at the commentary desk.]

Wes Rivers: Hello sports fans, and welcome to the UnFed's second mega event, Cyber Series! What a card we have, promising to be even bigger than the first UnFed pay-per-view, We Win Everything! This is Wes Rivers, sitting alongside, as always, Rex Russo!

Rex: Ahem, that's Rex WINTERS!

Wes: But Rex, I thought you began going by your real name?

Rex: Meh. That was just an angle to get some heat from the Russo haters. Who could be more hated than a relative of Russo? Well... except Russo, of course.

Wes: So, why'd you drop it?

Rex: Are you kidding? I've got enough heat with these shmucks as is! They LOVE to hate me!

Wes: Not to mention the fact that the only time we've ever actually HAD a fan in attendance that COULD hate you, was when we paid them to be here. And paid them even more to care one way or the other for you...

Rex: Oh you're just jealous?

Wes: Of that zit on your nose?

Rex: WHERE?!

Wes: And on that note -

Rex: Dammit Wes, my beautiful face can't be defiled with a pimple! I'm... I'm too handsome to have a PIMPLE!!! I'm beyond handsome! I'm... I'm REALLY handsome!!!~1

Wes: And on THAT note... we send it over to Rat Bore, who I have received word is ready to announce the first man to make his prescence felt here at Cyber Series!

Rat Bore: Okie dokies of hap penis!

Rex: Did he say happiness, or...

Wes: I'm sure it was that... I think.

Rat Bore: Night today, we have show for all which is you! Show which is huge! Show which is marvelous! Show which is fantastic! Show which is stupendous! Show which is grand! Show which is -

Crackhead in the third row: OH GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!!!

Rat Bore: Okie doke. ... Have one more! Show which is to be knocking the socks onto your feet!

Rex: ...

Wes: I'm sure that makes perfect sense in his country...

Rex: Wherever THAT is...

Rat Bore: The show that called Survivor Sunday! Or which also Tuesday's Taboo! But now, all put together a good hand shake applause round four times for good man of ass fat and gut belly... Mike HUNT!

Rex: *snort* BWAHAHAHA! Now THAT'S funny!!!

Wes: I just hope poor Rat doesn't get fired for getting Mr. Hoff's name wrong... again.

Rex: You hope he DOESN'T? Ha! I hope the foreign bastard gets the boot as soon as Mr. Hoff steps through the ropes! And I hope it's for GOOD this time! Mr. Hoff has a habit of unfiring people just as soon as he fires them...

Wes: A problem I'm sure he'd never run into with you.

Rex: Damn straight! ... Wait a minute...

["Sweat Pants in Hell" hits, and the curtains part... but Jack Hoff doesn't come out...]

Rex: ... What the -

[The Not-The-Titan-Tron comes to life, showing Jack still sitting in his chair, still in his office, still shaking nervously. As soon as he notices the camera is turned on, he gulps.]

Jack: Oh man... Uhm, folks, I just wanted to... to welcome you all to my fourth, and biggest event to date... I... Ya see, the thing is, ever since that HOMO sapien, raYne-Bow Bright superkicked me into the fourth dimension, I haven't really recovered... either physically OR mentally. The bastard took away something very important to me. ... The ability to move my jaw very well. And you wanna know what that means? I haven't been able to eat pizza for the past week!!! And that makes Jack a very, VERY angry boy! I NEED pizza! I need it to survive! Every day, any day, every week of every calendar YEAR! And now? Now... I'm pissed. But worse than that... I can't stand to leave this office. Not only because this chair's as comfortable as fuck, but because to tell you people the truth...

Jack: I'm afraid.

Jack: I'm afraid that, with those strudel chompin' QUEENIES the Coming Outsiders on his side, raYne might just be able to stand a bit of a chance of stealing my precious championship belt. Because let's face it. All gay people STEAL! It's the only explanation for why the Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, and 98 Degrees all had such succesful careers! Ya see, I always had this theory. All boy bands are actually undercover agents for a secret, underground, gay spy group... and their true mission is to steal the money from this nation's hard working mothers and fathers. To have clueless, pre-teen girls beg their parents for CD's and concert tickets, so the money can pay for this spy group's greatest project - The Queer Eye! A laser beam that would force every straight man in the country to see things like a gay dude would. With all kindsa "pretty" colors and "pretty" rainbows and other "pretty" SHIT... instead of how they really are. CRAPPY! And this has always disturbed me. Why? Simple. Why should all you dumb mooks be spending money on your daughters when you can give your money to ME?! Pre-teen girls come and go... I AM FOREVER!!!

Wes: Wow, he's definitely not full of himself... Definitely not.

Rex: Yeah... and your point?

Wes: ... Is that he IS full of himself.

Rex: ... But you just said he ISN'T full of himself... ?

Wes: You're kinda slow on the uptake, aren't you?

Rex: Up cake? I like cake... Is up cake like upside down cake, only... right side up?

Wes: ... I got nothin'.

Jack Hoff: Yes, I am indeed eternal. But, unfortunately, with the coming invasion of the Fag World Order, I'm not quite sure if my Sports Entertainment title tenure is as untouchable... I mean, I know that three GAYS aren't as formiddable as three REAL men... but the fact of the matter is, fake men or not... or atleast, fake WOMEN -

Rex: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Jack is SUCH a laugh riot!

Wes: Yeah... he's got your sense of humor. Probably because this is all written by the same guy...

Rex: Hey, I've seen this chick named Kay Fabe from that Brawlers on a Budget place. She would SO kick your ass for that one...

Jack: Regardless if they're real men, or fake women, The Coming Outsiders and raYne are enough, when combined, to give me a run for my money. I'd still stand more than a chance of wiping the mat clean with raYne's butt-humped ass, but without any help on my side, there's still a possibility that raYne MIGHT walk out of any given event with MY title. A slim chance... but a chance. That is why, until he decides to send the Coming Outsiders packing, raYne will be BARRED from the Middle of Nowhere! BUT... his little butt buddies will be allowed one last match, here, tonight, at Cyber Series. They'll be able to compete in the Trick or Treat or Terror match, in which all five sets of tag gold WILL be determined. And only if they go the distance and win the very top tag title, the 4-play straps, then they'll be able to keep their jobs. Otherwise... they'll be joining their pal raYne-Bow Bright on the OUTSIDE of this arena. Good luck boys... you're gonna need it.

Wes: Well, there ya have it sports fans! You -

Jack: BY THE WAY!

Wes: ... Yes, Mr. Hoff?

Jack: Speaking of the Trick or Treat or Terror Match... As previously reported by "Scalded Dawg" Boom Boom Quaker on his "Rest Hold" column, there will be a string of contests I've entitled the 'Survivor Island Series', running throughout the night. This series of contests will determine who will team with both John Semen and Orton Presley in the TTT match. Each contest will occur before one of tonight's huge matches, will be competed on between two teams of four, and both teams will be judged by their captains, Semen and Presley. After each contest, both team leaders will vote off one of the members of their team... until there is but one "Survivor" on either side. Each of the three contests has been themed after the upcoming Halloween holiday... as well as the big election. A bit of a combination of the two, if ya wheel. The first contest is up, right -

- ads -

Wes Rivers: - Now!

Rex Winters: Wow, real smooth transition there...

Wes: Hey, where do those darn ads come from anyway? I thought we'd have ridden those from pay-per-views after We Win Everything...

Rex: Yeah, you can keep dreaming. Mr. Hoff is willing to do anything to get an extra buck. Even if it means having Kraft Macaronie commercials during his pay-per-views...

Wes: At any rate, all ten men for the 'Survivor Island Series' are located on a nearby island.

Rex: ... Wait, we ARE in Oklahoma, right? WHAT nearby island? ... I mean, we are in Oklahoma right? Or did we "move" again, and I'm just unaware... I never can keep up with any of this shit...

Wes: Mike Stand is standing on the island, with team captains John Semen and Orton Presley, ready to announce the rules of the first contest. Take it away, Mike!

[The camera switches to... the backstage area of the Middle of Nowhere Stadium.]

Rex: Uhh...

(A large, tannish sheet covers the floor ... a couple of paper mache palm trees stand here and there ... a five foot wide, plastic kiddie pool lays beside the catering table, I guess to represent the "ocean". Oh, and Mike, John, and Orton are all wearing those tacky Hawaiin shirts with the bright colors and flowers. Yup...)

Rex: Wow. Seriously, Jack goes ALL out, doesn't he?

Wes: Well...

Rex: I mean, the catering tables even filled with pineapples! Well, pineapple kool-aid and pineapple cookies... but close enough.

Wes: Soo... you think he did a good job?

Rex: Seriously? When you said Mike was on an island I thought... well, you know what, forget it. I'm sure anyone who's dimwitted enough to watch this crap is also dumb enough to believe that the backstage cafeteria is Oahu...

Wes: Again, take it away Mike!

Mike: We're here, on the lovely island of Oahu!

Rex: Oh brother...

Mike: And I'm standing between the "Mark Twain Soldier" -

John Semen: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo... YO! ... Bee-yotch!

Mike: Yes, yes, of course, Mr. Semen... and his opponent, "The One Man Hunka Hunka Burnin' Dynasty", Orton Presley.

Presley: I ain't nothin' but a horn dog, screwin' people all the time! I ain't nothin' but a hound dog, poopin' in chicks bags all the time! Well, I ain't never got fired, and I ain't got no damn friends!

Mike: ... What?

Presley: Thank ya! Thank ya very much!

Mike: ... So, you two gentlemen are ready to vote off your respective team members, correct?

Semen: Nah.

Presley: Not really.

Mike: Good! Bring out the contestants!

[The double doors open, and John Semen's team enters ... The UndeadBaker , Goo the Adventurer , Triple S , and The Heart Attack Kid. The doors on the other side of the room open, and in comes Orton Presley's team ... "The Big Red-Nosed Monster" Klown , The World's Sexiest Chocolate Man , The Big Ho , and KYJ - Kris Y. Jeriko.]

Mike: Men, tonight, two of you will have the opportunity of teaming with the man to my left *camera gets a shot of Semen throwing up a few random 'gang signs'*, and the man to my right *camera gets a shot of Presley swiveling his hips, before combing back his hair*.

Triple S: And... that's supposed to be a GOOD thing?

Mike: ... Well, if you win the Trick or Treat or Terror match, you'll become the 4-play champion!

Triple S: Dude, I'm already the holder of the second most prestigous title in this company. Honestly. Do you expect for me to believe that a tag title means shit? It's like asking Marlon Brando to give a shit about a Nick Kid's Choice Award or somethin'!

John Semen: HEY! I was on the Scandinavian Nickelodeon Choice Awards a week ago! I won an award for best film for "The Canadian Marine". They let me sing the Canadian anthem! And then I got slimed.

Triple S: ... Need I say more?

Mike: Ok, how about this. If you compete tonight, I'll give you... *digs into pocket and pulls out some loose change* Uh, lemme see here... Uhm... 75 cents... half of a dollar bill... and a paperclip.

Triple S: Well... aw screw it, that's more than Jack Hoff pays us in a month. Deal.

Mike: Alrighty! As Mr. Hoff said, all three contests are based around both Halloween AND the election. And the first contest will give you a taste of what we mean by that. As you men can see, on top of the catering table is a plastic "witch's cauldron", filled with water, and -

UndeadBaker: Apppllleeesss! Mmmbwahahaha! The delicously EVIL apples of the undead, ready to be prepared in a nice caramel coveringgg, mmheheh!!!

Mike: Uhm... no.

UndeadBaker: REST... IN... YEEEAAASSSTTT!!!~!1 *drags thumb across throat, waggling his toungue, and rolling his eyes around*

Mike: ... Inside the cauldron is water, and -

KYJ: ASSCLOWN!

Klown: You talkin' tah me, punk?! *honks nose*

Mike: ... LOBSTERS! It's filled with lobsters! Sheesh...

Triple S: But what's that gotta do with the election?

Mike: Well... uh... Well, ya know, the debates have been really SNIPPY. Obama and McCain have PINCHED eachother vicously!

Triple S: In the ass?

"The World's Largest Transexual Athlete" The Big Ho: Weeeeeeeeeeeee-he-he-helllll.... well it's the Big Ho! I'm not a maaan... not yet a woman!

Mike: Just forget about the theme thing and listen to the rules, JIMMINY CRICKETS!

Jimminy Cricket: Hey, leave me outta this...

Mike: The rules are simple. All four members of both teams will try to use their face to pull out as many lobsters as possible within 3 minutes.

KYJ: ... Face? Don't you mean mouth, ya ASSCLOWN!

Mike: Uh... sure. Although, I'm sure their claws will latch ahold of other parts of your face as well...

KYJ: Claws? ... Aren't they already dead? How could they -

Mike: And so! ... The rules have been declared, it's time to get this show on the road! I'll flip a coin to see which team goes first for each of tonight's contests. Which one of you will call?

Semen: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo... YO! Not me. Bee-yotch.

Mike: Alright then, Orton -

Presley: Not me, a-huh, a-huh!

Mike: ... Forget it, to save time, let's just have both teams go at the same time! Annnd... GO!

[The UndeadBaker and Klown are first up, as the Dead Chef Cooking sticks his face into the cauldron... and immediately whips his head back, a lobster attached to his cheek. The Dead Chef yells in anguish.]

UndeadBaker: SUNNUVA!!! Mike! These things are alive!

Mike: Ha! So are YOU, if you can feel that! Mr. "Dead" Chef! More like Mr... ALIVE Chef! Booyah!

Rex: Haha! I love this guy's style!

Wes: Ugh...

[The UndeadBaker tries to remove the lobster from his cheek... He finally manages to get it loose its grip, but the pain is still there. 'Baker holds his palm against his cheek, wincing.]

Mike: Well, your disqualified.

'Baker: WHAT?!

Mike: The rules strictly state that a participant cannot manually remove a lobster. The lobster must manually remove ITSELF! Sorry, thems the breaks.

'Baker: Why you little!!!~!1!

[Mike Stand yipes and runs off, with The UndeadBaker giving chase... Klown reaches his face into the cauldron, and... pulls it back out, with a lobster attached to his "nose".]

Klown: Uhhh... ow. Yeah, uh... this hurts. ... Like...

Triple S: Oh it does NOT! That's a fake nose! That's CHEATING!

Klown: It is not! It hurts! It really does! I'm bein' honest here! ...

Triple S: What, do you expect me to believe that that lobster claw is really hurting your PLASTIC nose?! Jeez, what kinda moron do ya take me for?

Klown: A stupid one? A really, REALLY stupid one?

Triple S: ... Well... I'm NOT! ... Now, I'm gonna stick MY nose in there and show ya how it's really done!

KYJ: Heheh... you should be able to catch about twelve lobsters in one go with that ginormous thing!

Triple S: Hey, they don't call me Super Sized Shnozz for nothin'!

[SSS sticks his nose in... and pulls out THIRTEEN lobsters!]

SSS: Catch my drift?

KYJ: Christ...

Klown: THAT'S CHEATING!!!

SSS: What?! Hey, if using a plastic nose isn't cheating, why would having a NATURAL big nose be any worse?

Klown: Because...

KYJ: Because you had plastic surgery! Yeah, that's the ticket!

SSS: Seriously? You think I WANTED this thing? You think the babes dig a guy with a nose the size of the Statue of Liberty? Are you KIDDING?!

KYJ: Dammit...

[Mike is seen running in the background, followed by the UndeadBaker, who is now carrying a long rolling pin...]

'Baker: YOU WILL... BURRRN... INNN... THE OVEEENNN!!! At 350 degrees, on a four sided cookie sheet!!! MMM... BWAHAHAHA!!!

Mike: HELP ME!!!~!!1

Klown: BROTHER!!!

Mike: *stops dead in his tracks* Brother?

'Baker: *stops dead in HIS tracks* ... You weren't supposed to tell them about that! It's... a SECRET!

Klown: Yes, it's true! Our father was a dentist... Dr. Isaac Hayes Hankie-the-Christmas-Poo Yankem Esquire... and our mother was his patient.

Mike: So I take it she "liked his work", wink, wink. ;- )

'Baker: No. He raped her. And then killed her. And then raped her some more.

Mike: ... Oh... well... Atleast she got out of paying the bill! Heheh... ya know? Wink... Wink? ... ;- )

'Baker: ... YOU DIE NOW!

Mike: OH DEAR LORD IN HEAVEN!!!~!

[The UndeadBaker continues to chase after Mike, as Klown adjusts the wrist of his leather glove... before reaching into the cauldron... pulling out a lobster... and...]

[... chokeslamming it?]

Wes: CHOKESLAM FROM THE CIRCUS FROM HELL!!!

Rex: Say that seventeen times fast...

[Inexplicably, Klown chokeslams the lobster. He then slowly raises his hands into the air... before dropping them back down. Suddenly, a burst of flame shoots straight up from the cauldron!]

Rex: I guess Mr. Hoff used all of the month's salaries he WOULD have given to the workers, on cheesy pyro and special effects.

Wes: I'm more than certain that's what a good amount of our salaries will be going to in the future... that and pizza. Lots and lots of pizza.

[Klown then slowly walks off the scene, as the Big Ho steps up to the cauldron, reaches his face in... and pulls out a face full of lobsters! God, there's GOT to be around 20 or 30 of those things on his face...]

Wes: God, there's gotta be about 20 or 30 lobsters on the Big Ho's face!

Rex: Way tah go, Wes. Good job taking one sentence, changing the words around slightly, and "making it your own". You're a natural at this.

Wes: I do what I can.

Rex: What little that is...

[The Big Ho lifts a hand into the air, and screams!]

Wes: He's signaling for the chokeslam!

Rex: Uhm... I'm not so sure about that... I think he might just be screaming from the pain of having two dozen lobsters attached to his face...

Wes: ... Oh.

[Ho runs around in a circle, before falling to the floor, and rolling around.]

Wes: He's trying to put out the fire!

Rex: What, the fire that burns inside?! He's not on FIRE, ya buffoon! He's being attacked by LOBSTERS!

Wes: ... OHHH... yeah. Well... maybe he's just rolling around in pain?

Rex: Ya THINK?

Wes: *shrugs*

Rex: *slaps forehead* Damn fly!

[Mike Stand walks back into the picture, holding his chest, and breathing heavily.]

Mike: *panting* I... Phew! Hoo boy... I finally managed to escape the UndeadBaker! All I had to do was make fun of the spinach dip he served at the SmackRaw after party, and he ran off, weeping like a little baby!

Triple S: I think the Big Ho's dead.

Mike: Oh... well, he's disqualified then.

SSS: For what?

Mike: For being dead.

SSS: Ah...

< Suddenly, the screen was blinded by a magnificently bright light... and when the camera returned, Goo the Adventurer was standing tall, holding a lobster within his hands, lifting it high into the heavens like a mighty sword! And lo, he knew what he must do! Retrieve the treasure that would set his kingdom free... Retrieve the gold that many have sought, but none have obtained... The treasure known only as... The Belt! And - >

Mike: You're disqualified!

Goo: ... Huh? Oh, are... are you talking to me?

Mike: Yeah... you're out of the competition! You can't use your HANDS to grab the lobster, only your FACE!

Goo: But... but I MUST win! I must face the evil, vile wizard, known only as "Disgruntledorf"! And to do so, I must be victorious in this competition, so I may claim the 4-play BELT! I MUST -

Mike: You MUST take a seat, shut up, and wait for voting. You'll either be voted off, or continue to the next round. And personally, if I were John Semen, I'd vote your scrawny little ass off, first round.

Goo: BUT - !

Mike: TAKE. A. SEAT!!!

Goo: ... Hmph!

[Goo takes a seat, next to the half unconcious Big Ho... I wonder where the other disqualified contestant went...]

'Baker: MIKEEE... STANNND!!!

Mike: Oh shit...

'Baker: MOZZZZ... AH-RELLAAAA... CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE~!!!~!1

Mike: SAVE ME!!!

KYJ: Hm... that sounds like it could make for a nifty catchphrase... Save... me... Hmm...

[The UndeadBaker charges toward Mike, and just as Mike is about to turn and make haste, 'Baker levels him with a HARD clothesline, that sends Mike flipping two or three times mid-air...]

Wes: Holy SMOKES!

Rex: Where?! Aw man, I thought someone had some weed... we are surrounded by crackheads ya know...

Wes: Weed? I didn't know you smoked that stuff...

Rex: Hey, I need SOMETHING to get through this damn 'Bobbing for Lobsters' segment...

Wes: Here...

[With the camera still on the scene backstage, we hear sounds of Wes rustling through stuff underneath the desk... a moment passes...]

Rex: Aw hell yeah! I didn't know THAT was under there!

Wes: Ancient commentary secret... light 'er up, buddy boy...

Rex: Heheh... 'BUD'...

Wes: Oh dear lord, what have I done... now your lame jokes are going to be even MORE lame... if that's even possible.

[Uh... sounds of something being lit up... yeah, maybe this is a good time for - ]

- ads -

Rex: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... HAAA!~!1 MY HAND! GET IT?!

Wes: ... Rex, you didn't even tell a joke that time, you just started looking at your hand, and... oh... I get it. Hopefully the effects won't last... TOO long...

Rex: HAHAHAHA! LONG! GET IT! AS IN A DICK THAT'S LONG!

Wes: Dear LORD what have I done...

[Mike is now covered in bandages, and is on one crutch, his free hand holding his ever trusty microphone up to his mouth.]

Mike: Er... the UndeadBaker wanted one more shot at the lobster cauldron. So... here ya go.

['Baker walks toward the cauldron. When he passes by Mike, he gives "The Interviewer" a deadly look... 'Baker then walks over to the cauldron... and lowers to a knee, bowing his head... before whipping his head back, and raising an outstretched palm to the black cauldron. Immediately, the lights turn a dark shade of blue... and eery organ music is heard.]

Mike: Oh holy hell...

[The cauldron water begins to bubble... before... lobsters begin to lift up from the murky depths!]

Mike: Oh this is... this CAN'T be happening!

[The lobsters float toward the bowing 'Baker, who is now waggling his tounge and rolling his eyes once more. The lobsters slowly float down to the floor, and form a pentagram around the Dead Chef.]

Mike: This is CRAZY!

[Then, candles float down... instantly lighting upon resting down on the floor's surface... These are soon joined by platters of ribs... steaks... pork chops... mashed potatoes and gravy... loaves of fresh baked bread... cakes and pies... carrots, celery, cream corn... and finally... a fifteen scoop quadruple fudge sundae!]

Mike: This... this is... this is... THIS IS THE MOST APPETIZING THING I'VE EVER WITNESSED!!! Yum, yum, gimme SOME!!!

[Mike dives at the food, and begins rolling around in the heap of it all... as the UndeadBaker simply looks at him... with a bit of a grin on his face. He then rises up, as the lights return to normal. ... Mike is stuffing his face with the very same mess he lays down in... his mouth covered in fudge, barbecue sauce, ketchup, and every other sticky thing imaginable.]

Rex: Heheh...

Wes: Not THAT sticky thing...

Rex: Heh... You mind if I jack off?

Jack Hoff: Did somebody call me?

Rex: Heeeeyyyy, big man!

Wes: No, no, sorry boss, nobody called y-

Jack: Is Rex high?

Rex: Hi! HI JACK! *waves his hands about frantically*

Jack: ...

Wes: Sports fans, we'll be back, right after THESE -

- ads -

Mike: Mmmmm... pie...

[Suddenly, "The Samoan Superfly" Rocky Joe-Kishi-Maga walks onto the "island".]

Rocky: Did I hear somebody say......... pie?

Mike: MMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmm... piiie!

Rocky: Well let the Superfly tell you THIS... FINALLY... Rocky Joe-Kishi-Maga... has come BACK... to Oahu!!!

Rex: Ooooo, they're on an ISLAND?! NEAT-O!

Wes: Somebody... just kill me and get it over with.

Rex: If you commit suicide, you'll go to hell!

Wes: Oh now you're just speaking gibberish!

Rocky: IF YA SMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMell... what Rocky Joe-Kishi-Maga...

Rocky: ... is ...

Mike: ...

Wes: ...

Rex: ...

Jack: *now back in his office* ...

Rocky: ...

[Rocky Joe-Kishi-Maga drops the microphone, and... walks away.]

Rex: Man, I'm high, and even I know that was pointless...

[Mike finally gets up from the messy, slippery floor, and tries to clean himself off. He then lifts the microphone back up to his mouth.]

Mike: Alright... I believe 'Baker is ahead right now. Goo was dq'ed for using his hands, and the Big Ho was dq'ed for... being severely injured due to being vicously attacked by more than 20 lobsters. Triple S is probably in second, but really, I'm too lazy to check. Klown MIGHT be in third, but who cares, ya know?

Rex: Right on!

Wes: REX! You're not supposed to be encouraging people to be apathetic about the product!

Rex: Duuude, I'm stoned and listenin' tah Hendrix, man. Right on!

Wes: ...

Mike Stand: Anyway, it's the World's Sexiest Chocolate Man's turn! Come on up to the cauldron, big boy!

["Some Bodies Gonna Hit the Floor and Get It and Then Get Their Ass Kicked", by 36 Mafia Guys Drowning in a Pool plays, as The World's Sexiest Chocolate Man walks up to the cauldron... and picks up the cauldron. Before beginning to try and... well, I guess bend it... or something. ... ?]

Mike: Um... Chocolate...

WSCM: UNNNNGGGGHHHHH!!!

Mike: Chocolate...

WSCM: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Mike: CHOCOLATE!

*plop*

Mike: ... EWWW! Did you just...

WSCM: ... Ooopsie... I think I just shat my drawels! And this bed pan ain't bendin', dawg!

Mike: That's not a -

WSCM: AW DAMN, HERE IT COMES AGAIN!

[The World's Sexiest Chocolate Man drops the cauldron, and turns around... before beginning to sit down... and pulling down his SHORTS?!]

Mike: NO!!! NO, don't do it! That's not a bedpan, it's a -

*FRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP - PLOP - KERPLOP - SPLASH*

Mike: ... cauldron.

Triple S: Holy SHIT!

Rex: HAHAHAHAHA -

Wes: Of for love ah pete, will ya please go backstage until you've come off that high?

Rex: - HA! HAND! GET IT?! ... HAN -

- ads -

Wes: This has GOT to be the longest opening segment EVER... It could be its own show...

Mike: Well folks... the cauldron's no longer useable, and I think all the lobsters have died from the smell anyway...

*ring, ring*

Mike: Hey, I'm getting a call, wait a minute...

[Mike up the phone from a small, black table which I hadn't noticed previously...]

Mike: Yes... mmhm... yes... ok, I'll tell them. *hangs up the phone* Alright... John, Orton. That was the Chairman. He says we're running short on time, and we need to cut out the other two contest segments. And seeing as how the cauldron's just been shit in by a giant gorilla - ]

WSCM: RACIST!

Mike: What? Oh, no, no, see...

[Mike points at an actual gorilla, crapping in the cauldron.]

Mike: ... Gorilla.

WSCM: ... Oh. ... CRACKA!

Mike: Anyway, since the pot's no longer useable, KYJ and HAK wouldn't be able to complete THIS contest anyway. So, Jack has devised an innovative idea for both of you guys to pick a partner. John... Orton... Deal, or No Deal?

[John Semen and Orton Presley look down at the table, finding two buttons covered by glass boxes... two more things I hadn't noticed previously...]

Semen: Uh... Yo?

Presley: Orton has left the building!

[John Semen and Orton Presley... walk off. Leaving Mike looking around nervously...]

Mike: Er... Well. ... *claps hands together* I've got an idea! Say... TripS, 'Baker, HAK, KYJ, and Klown, since you guys weren't disqualified -

WSCM: HEY! I wasn't disqualfied either! What about me, chump?

Mike: Well... you WERE disqualified.

WSCM: Why?! And it BETTER be a GOOD reason, or I'll bend you like I bent that bed pan! ... Or... didn't bend it. Like I DIDN'T bend that bed pan! ... I'll bend you like I SHIT in that bed pan! ... Wait, that don't make no sense... I'll bend you like, uh...

Mike: That's why you were disqualified!

WSCM: For not bein' able to think of somethin' tah bend you like?

Mike: ... NO. For... FOR SHITTING IN THE DAMN BED PAN!

WSCM: Oh...

Mike: Jesus Jimminy Crickets!

Jimminy Cricket: I said leave me outta this!

Jesus: ME TOO! God damn!

Mike: Anyway, since Triple S, The UndeadBaker, The Heart Attack Kid, Kris Y. Jeriko, and Klown are still vieable options to be Orton and Semen's partners, this is what we're gonna do. I'm going to have 'Baker team with TripS and HAK, to take on "The Big Red-Nosed Monster" and KYJ... in a three on two handicap match!

Triple S: First of all... how will that help Orton and Semen choose a partner? And secondly, you can't make matches nimrod! That's my job! You may be 'Mike', but your last name's not 'Adamle'!

Mike: Actually, the guy who makes matches is named Jack Hoff. Don't know anything about this 'Adamle' you speak of...

SSS: ... Nevermind.

Mike: Anyway, I'm the General Manager of the 'Survivor Island Series', and as GM, conider this a 'Stand Original'!

SSS: ... You SURE you've never heard of Adamle?

Mike: Now, that match will happen... and it'll happen after these -

- ads -

Wes Rivers: Oh my, sports fans, what an exciting and action-packed match that was! I can't believe that team won!

Rex Winters: ... Huh? What match? ... Did I miss something?

Wes: The three on two handicap match, of course! And what a match it was, full of excitement and action! It sure was packed with exciting action! And did I mention how action-packed and exciting it was?

Rex: Only about a hundred or so times...

Wes: I've just received word from Mr. Hoff that despite John Semen choosing UndeadBaker for his partner, and Orton Presley choosing Klown... that after the following two matches... Presley will be teaming with KYJ, and Semen will be teaming with... oh my GOD!

Rex: What is it?! Did Mr. Hoff clean the jizz stains off that copy of Penthouse I gave him, and now he's going to give it back to me?! Oh please, oh please, oh please...

Wes: It will be D-LAX vs Team 2D vs The Party Boyz vs Nickey Mowse & Anti-Christ Cage vs Big Daddy Queer & The Bad Gay vs Orton Presley and KYJ vs John Semen AND...

Rex: ... SPIT IT OUT!

Wes: Tripppllleee S!!!

Rex: ... Oh. Wow. Like we didn't see THAT coming. The second and third most important champions. It's basic sports entertainment theory.

Wes: What is?

Rex: That the most powerful team in the company is always either two "bitter rivals who hate eachother's guts, but team up for some reason to end up winning the tag belts... only to lose them the next week to further their feud"... or, of course, two top singles title holders who barely ever compete in tag matches. Because who's more important? Two heavyweight title contenders, or two measly, peasly tag title contenders?

Wes: Well, when you consider they ARE going for tag gold...

Rex: And when was the last time tag gold was ever more than a prop?

Wes: Well...

Rex: I rest my case.

Wes: In any case, it's time for the big match between "Drunk Ass" Austin Stevens, and Jippy Jam the Japanese Jughead.

Rex: Yeah, who's already in the ring. I wonder why... *rolls eyes*.

Wes: I have received word that this match is now for the Unimportant Title, which was vacated when the Brown Ranger left Nowhere to seek a career in television. The UnFed wishes Brownie all the best.

Rex: Yeah... for me to POOP on!!! Bwaahaahahahahahahaha...

Wes: And with that, let's send it over to ring announcer, Rat Bore.

Rat Bore: You ask, you get! You vote, you send the big moneys! Everybody winnah! But only big man Hoff... he get all the moneys. ... A!!! B!!! C!!! You vote...

[The Not-The-Titan-Tron reveals a big letter 'C'. The crackheads boo for some reason. I dunno, maybe their outta crack.]

Rat Bore: "Austin Cone" Steve Stold, he wear the 'C' hat made of beer! Everybody gay! Named raYne. Now here Jippy, who loses soon a minute!

[Camera shot of Jippy Jam the Japanese Jughead, doing a very lame looking version of 'the crane' position... He falls on his ass. ... Yup.]

Rat Bore: And opponent!

[Sound of glass shattering... followed by "Beer for My Horses", by Toby Keith. The crackheads cheer! ... They must've found some crack.]

Rat Bore: He "Ass Drunk" Jack Hoff!!!

Wes: ...

Rex: Did he just call Austin Stevens by the Chairman's name?

Wes: Cripes... this company can NOT survive for more than a month... it just... can't.

[Austin Stevens stomps out from the back, wearing a black vest with the phrase "Stevens 2:15" scrawled across the back. He also wears a black beer hat, with a phrase across the front which reads... "Stevens 2:15". ... Yup.]

Wes: Stevens is stomping to the ring with a PURPOSE!

Rex: Yeah, to pick up a win so he can get the 75 cent pay-per-view bonus all the rest of the guys are in there fighting for tonight. 75 cents really means something in these troubled times. It can buy a man alot. Like... uh... a Tootsie Pop. ... Maybe. Or atleast the little white stick that the actual Tootsie Pop is attached to...

[Austin Stevens rolls into the ring under the bottom rope... As he stands, and faces his opponent... Jippy Jam displays a few of his "karate moves" ... ending with a horrid spinning kick, that nearly sends Jippy to his ass again.]

[Stevens stares at Jippy...]

[... raises both pinkie fingers up to Jippy's eyes ...]

[...before booting Jippy in the gut, and dropping him with the "Drunk Ass Drop". Jippy flies into the air, and spins about, as light as a piece of paper twisting and turning in the wind.]

Rex: Oh come ON, that's sooo unbelievable!

Wes: What is?

Rex: All those turns and revolutions from that lame as hell Drop! There's no WAY that move has that much impact!

Wes: Would you like to have Austin let you see for yourself?

Rex: ... I'll pass...

Wes: Heh... Now THAT'S funny.

Rex: Jerk...

[The bell finally sounds, just as Stevens goes for the pin... and the ref counts the one... two... and three! And the bell sounds again, this time for the end of the match...]

Rat Bore: Match winner and winner of match, as well now Unimportant Champion who not Champion that is Important, AUSTIN STEVE COLD STONE!!!

Rex: What in the HELL did he just say?

Wes: I believe he said that "Drunk Ass" won the match, as well as the Unimportant Title... but I'm not sure.

[Stevens picks his hat back up, removes the two cans of Sudweiser, and smashes them together, sending suds splattering across the mat... before Stevens gently places the cans back in the holsters on the hat, pushes the straws back into the openings of the cans, and places the hat back on his head. Before sipping... and leaving the ring.]

[...]

- ads -

["Red, White, and Blue" by Lynyrd Skynyrd plays, and the Patriotic Bigot himself, Redd W. Bloo marches out, American flag in towe...]

Wes: This is the man that issued the "Stars and Stripes Invitational", the very first of its kind! An open challenge, with the wnner receiving a cash prize! The challenge is open to anyone who is either not white, not Christian, not male, or not heterosexual.

Rex: Hell, three of those are a slice ah cake! Girls? No problem. Jews? Phff, are you kiddin'? And GAYS?! Of course... there's always that "not white" part. Black dudes are a natch at fighting. They do it all the time with the police! ... BWAHAHA! Rex, you so craaazay!

Wes: Redd is in the ring, and he has a microphone. This should be... prejudice in some way, shape, form, or fashion.

RWB: WELL YA WANNA KNOW SOMETHIN' MEAN GENE?! There's been alotta damn talk in the back, dudes... That is tah say, amongst all of those damn non-whites, non-Christians, non-dudes... and non-STRAIGHTS. The non-dudes are fightin' the non-straights over who gets tah sleep with the Reddinator. The non-whites are fightin' the non-Christians over who gets tah sleep with the Reddinator.

Wes: ...

Rex: I think the writer's starting to fall asleep at the keyboard... he's becoming even more unoriginal than usual!

RWB: And they're all fightin' over who gets tah face the Reddinator, right here, at the Cyber Series! BROTHER! Well, I'm really pumped up for a match, jack... but unfortunately, there seems to be one, itsy bitsy, teensy weensy little problem. There's noone here in the building that fits the requirements! Sucka T and R-Kwik aren't here, so there goes your men of color! And Anti-Christ Cage is missing in action, so forget about guys who haven't found the JESUS. Plus, raYne was barred from the damn building! So much for the Homo Hero! So, it's been nice seein all you... uh... crackheads... and stuffed zebras... mannequins and... Is that an Adam West cardboard cut out I see? ... Anyway, dudes, and brothers, and brothers of dudes. It's been nice, but -

[Suddenly, the loud beat of tribal drums is heard... right before RWB is attacked from behind by a GIANT, monstrous black woman... in what appears to be an Xena the Warrior Princess costume. Somebody's ready for Halloween...]

Wes: IT'S QUEEN KONG! Yes sports fans, Queen Kong, from the old NWA:TNA-RoH NorthSouthWestEastern Division!

Rex: That bitch is a brickhouse!

Wes: Not only that, but in addition to obviously meeting both the "non-white" AND "non-male" requirements of the challenge, she is ALSO a Satanic Lesbian!!! She's the "Total Package"!

Rex: I thought that was Lex Luger?

Wes: I was referring to her meeting all of the requirements for the "Stars and Stripes Invitational"...

Rex: Oh. Well, I knew you weren't talking about Luger. He's white AND male. Of course... he MAY be a Satanic Queer... he does like to put barely clothed men in a move he calls the "Torture Rack"... I'll have to check into that one.

Wes: I'm sure you will.

Rex: ... HEY!

Wes: Queen Kong is absolutely MURDERING RWB in there... she sends RWB into the ropes... he returns, and Kong picks up the patriot, before sending him crashing to the canvas with a horrific spinebuster! Kong then grabs RWB by the mask, tosses him between her legs, and... She hit it! She hit the Awesome-er Bomb!

Rex: Awesome-er? Is that even a word?

Wes: She goes for the pin, and picks up the one... the two... and the three!!! Queen Kong just defeated RWB in the very FIRST "Stars and Stripes Invitational"!!! Which means RWB must now pay Kong whatever cash prize he agreed to... I'm not sure how much that entails, but hey, when was the last time a commentator actually had to check his facts?

[RWB slowly makes it to his feet... and finds himself, face to face with Kong... putting out a hand, palm open and facing up... Looks like she's waiting for her winnings.]

Wes: I wonder just how much money Bloo planned to give the winner?

Rex: Well, since he SHOULDN'T have ever lost, I'm sure he never even worried about carrying cash with him...

[RWB scrounges around in his pockets... before handing Kong a one dollar bill.]

Rex: ... and now I'm POSITIVE he didn't really worry about carying cash. Though... if I were him, I'd wish I had...

[Kong looks down at the dollar bill... before looking back up at RWB. She suddenly grabs ahold of the throat of the Bastion of Americana...]

Rex: Don't do it Kong! Just because he made fun of your race, your sexuality, your religion, AND your gender... why do I have a feeling I'm not getting through to her...

[Kong hoists Bloo high into the air, before tossing him over the top rope with a gorilla press. RWB falls flat on the outside, and as he rolls around in pain, Kong lifts her beefy arms high into the air, as her music plays.]

Wes: Well folks, after these ads, we'll be giving you the match you've been waiting for! The main event of the night : Trick... or Treat... or TERROR!

Rex: Wait.... what about Mr. Hoff putting the Sports Entertainment title on the line in a triple cage match?

Wes: He has informed me that he hasn't been able to find a suitable opponent, so he's cancelled the match, and replaced it with the TTT match. And that's up, NEX-

Rex: But I wanna see JACK!

- ads -

[We return from ads, opening to the office of Jack Hoff. ... Wait, that's not Mr. Hoff! It's raYne, seated at Jack's desk! And standing behind him is The Bad Gay, and Big Daddy Queer... holding the 4-play titles? What the...]

raYne: Ladies and gentlemen... during the commercial break, Mr. Hoff walked to his limousine to answer a phone call. Why he didn't just answer his cell phone here in the office, I'll never know... But, when he stepped foot in the door... it 'SPLODED!!!

Big Daddy Queer: TOOOOOOOOOOOO Sweeeeeeeeeeeet! ... I mean Gay. Or Queer. ... Or something.

raYne: Heheh, actually, he just died of a massive heart attack.

Bad Gay: HAHAHA... huh?

raYne: Ok, ok, the truth is, Jackie boy walked outside the arena, because he DID indeed get a phone call, on his cell.

raYne: It was a prank call.

raYne: From me.

raYne: After asking him if his refrigerator was running, and subsequently telling him that "he better go catch it", the mook actually ran to catch the damn thing! The three of us... the f...W...o, snuck into this arena, and LOCKED THE DAMN DOOR! That idiot'll never find the back door... face it, he's either too dumb to figure out there is one, or too FAT to walk all the way around the building! So, here's the deal. I've changed all the locks on the doors. His keys no longer work, and... this is the best part... ALL of the security gaurds were closet HOMOSEXUALS!

raYne: To cut a long story short... I'm now the boss. Applesauce. So Jack, ol' bean, you've had a nice run... but your time is up. You've held down everyone but yourself ever since the company began a couple of months ago, and its become sickening. It's time that EVERYONE got a piece of the proverbial pie.

raYne: And things are about to change...

raYne: Jack-o, go ahead and take your "precious" S.E. title. It's totally fine by me. Because I've decided to eliminate the S.E. title from the record books... and replace it with an all new top title : THE Belt! And it will be on the line in our main event! Standing behind me are the Coming Outsiders, who I've went ahead and crowned as the 4-play champs, cuz let's face it : they deserve it! So ladies and gents, welcome to an all new UnFe-

Jack Hoff: YOU BASTARD!!!

[The camera pans around, to find Jack... dragging his refrigerator behind him.]

Jack: You son of a BITCH! YOU SUNNUVA... ARGH! Get out of my office.... YOU'RE FIRED!!! You AND the Ass Snatchers from Planet... ASS!

raYne: Hey man, chill... uh, why are you dragging your fridge?

Jack: Because, this stupid thing was trying to get out of my kitchen! AND HOMIE DON'T PLAY THAT!

raYne: ... Ok?

Jack: But when I returned, there was a literal ORGY of security gaurds outside! After I interrupted their little love fest, they tried to kick my rear end... but thanks to Redd W. Bloo coming out and kickin' all of their pansey asses, I'm still alive... and I'm STILL in charge, BITCH!

raYne: Oh come ON! That was a fool proof plan! And you're a fool! So what are the odds?!

Jack: I may be a fool, and I may BE full from all the crap I ate from this fridge on the way up here, but you're FULL OF CRAP if you think I'm stepping aside!!! There's no chance in HELL I'm allowing you to usurp me as the head of this promotion! I BUILT this promotion, and noone is going to take it away from me... not even YOU!!!~!1 So, why don't you go be the mayor of Sinister City or somethin', because buddy boy? YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!!!

[Jack quickly jerks a hidden lever back on his desk, which releases a trap door... sending raYne into oblivion. Queer and Gay try to attack the Chairman, but from out of nowhere, Redd W. Bloo strikes both with a double "Old Glory" clothesline! The two Out of the Closet Siders stumble backward... before falling deep into the hole of oblivion, joining their leader. Redd W. Bloo stares down into the trapdoor... as Jack speaks to the camera.]

Jack: Let me introduce all you slapnuts to my NEW personal body gaurd, Redd W. Bloo! Sure, he may ah lost to a chick... a satanic, lesbian chick... but the fact remains that when Val Halla was nowhere to be seen, this man saved me from a flock of gender bendin' security FAGS! Redd is American to the BONE, and from now on, he'll be protecting my precious little bones from harm. raYne is gone forever, and it's all thanks to Bloo over here!

Jack: But ya know... that guy had ONE good idea before he was sent to hell, aka Sinister City. He said the UnFed needs change. And even though this is only the company's fourth show, I believe it DOES need some shakin' up. So, I've decided to take his idea of merging all 30 belts and use it to catapult this promotion into the top of the heap! Next week, on our FIFTH show, Royal Royal, The UnFed will celebrate with the very first EVER... Royal Royal! It will determine the champions... all four of them! Yes, on my journey to track down this fridge and bring it back home, I came to the realization of a lifetime.

Jack: Thirty belts is... a little too much. ... Just a tad.

Jack: So, it is with that in mind, that I have constructed four new divisions, with one single title representing each. The Extreme Division, aka the Jobberweight Division, heheh... represented by the Applecore 24/7 Title. The Tag Team Division, represented by the 4-play Titles. The Rising to Mid-Card Status and then sorta just Staying There Division, represented by The Only Secondary Title That Matters. And of course, the Heavyweight Division, represented by the Sports Entertainment title...

[Jack lifts his shirt up to reveal the S.E. title... which appears to be wrapped around his waist thanks to heavy usage of duct tape...]

Jack: *smiling brightly* Which, as you can see, I am STILL in possesion of, thanks for asking. *Jack thankfully puts his shirt back down* But, I will be putting my title on the line... but any man who wishes to claim this prize will have to outlast every other guy on the roster! The rules go like this ; The match will begin with an elimination 4-way match for the 4-play tag titles, with the last surviving team, whether it be one or both members, picking up the belts. Then, whomever remains from this first part of the match, will be the first one or two men to compete in the SECOND part of the match. In this part, two men will enter the ring every five minutes. The only way to eliminate someone is by tossing them over the top rope. Counting the men to be eliminated in the tag team opening, the 20th man eliminated will win the Applecore Title... the 30th will take the Secondary Title... and the winner? Well, it's GONNA be me, and I WILL retain my title. That you can bank on.

Jack: Bitches.

Jack: You wanna say anything, Reddy?

Redd: OHHHHHHHHHH YEAH, DIG IT! Snap into a Slick Dick!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Whatcha gonna do, when Hoff-a-mania... runs wild... on... YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~!!!1

Jack: Oh yeah. I'm the man.

- ads -

[We return, one last time, to Wes and Rex.]

Rex: YES! I knew all along Jack wouldn't leave us! He's our SAVIOR!

Wes: Well sports fans, that's all the time we have for ya today. This is Wes Rivers, for Rex Winters saying -

[Suddenly, Rocky Joe-Kishi-Maga steps into the picture. He lifts a microphone to his mouth and says - ]

Rocky: - COOKIN'.

[ - before arching an eyebrow.]

[Then he leaves.]

Wes: ... What was that all about?

Rex: Well, earlier in the show, Rocky said "IF YA SMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMell... what Rocky Joe-Kishi-Maga... is ..."

Wes: ...

Rex: And then he just walked away. And I think what he just said was the end of that line.

Wes: ... Oh.

Rex: ...

[... Yup.]

Rat Bore: SEXY TIME!!!

- ads -

Rat Bore: ... NOT!

- ads -