![World Sports Entertainment : To iNSANITY... & Beyond! [get the wrestling OUT!]](http://i4.photobucket.com/albums/y127/shanomacbry/7312847a-6aad-4bcc-b1f7-ca83b78c33fc_zpsyhuncysr.png "World Sports Entertainment : To iNSANITY... & Beyond! [get the wrestling OUT!]")
Post by THE Mac Bry v2 on May 19, 2010 4:48:16 GMT -6
[Scene: The Hell Hole Arena... Nowhere, Oklahoma.]
[It is the night of WSE's debut on the Disney Channel... and the second episode of Nitro. WSE's first event of the new year... WSE's second year of existence... which actually began back in September, but really, who's keeping track...]
[Commentators, Reeve Gordon and Axl VanHalen, are sitting at the desk, in the empty arena. And no it's not empty because nobody paid for a ticket (although, let's face it, nobody probably did... now, if the FANS were paid, we MIGHT get two or three to show up...) . No, it's about an hour two before Jack Hoff's huge five hour spectacular kicks off, and the Disney Corporation has made sure that EVERYONE is prepared... because they don't want people fucking up on their dime. They don't want a repeat of something like that time the Jonas Brothers revealed their real ages... 40 year old FREAKS~!!!]
Axl: Duuude... these scripts are BOGUS! I can't believe the Hoffster agreed to this gnarly totally UNtubular load ah trippy tripe!
Reeve: Axl, make sure you don't flub this for us. I don't want to go back to selling used toothbrushes... the sales surprisingly didn't roll in as often as I'd hoped...
Axl: Well, I want to talk to that fat cat Chairman of ours! Even if I DO go through with this... which I will, cuz I am SO not ending up on the street, offering up blow jobs for quarters... again... But even if I DO... I am SO letting that fat-tard, Jack Hoff, know what I think of his script! ... I think it isn't extremely good, that's what I think!
Reeve: That'll show him...
[Suddenly, lightning crackles from off camera, and what seems to be the sounds of a phone booth arriving on the ground are heard (don't ask me how I know from just the sounds...). Footsteps are heard stepping out from within...]
Reeve: Who the... *gasp*
Axl: DUUUUUUUDE! RADICAL!
Reeve: Is... is it really you?!
? : Boys... the band's back together.
Axl & Reeve: WYLD STALYNS... 4 LYFE!!! *air guitars*
===============
THE CHANGE... IS HERE.
===============
[And we're live (on tape) from the Hell Hole! Explosions! Loud music! Drunken people in the stands throwing up every which way! It's a good ol' Oklahoma Fireworks Display! Nope, it's NITRO 2 : The Reckoninininining!!! Disney... I hope you can DIG IT...]
Speakers: SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~!!!
Wes Rivers: Hello sports fans, and welcome to the second edition of Nitro! It only took, what, eight months?
Rex Winters: I thought we're OUT of this hell? Why were we dragged back in? Please answer me?
Wes: Because apparently, Axl and Reeve were called away from the booth for a "business meeting" ... I cannot imagine WHAT that could mean...
Rex: Lucky fucking bastards is what that means... wish I could be called away to a "business meeting" right about now... hell, ANY meeting!!! Just when I think I'm out, they PULL ME BACK IN!!!
[The stage is engulfed in towers of flaming pyro, as 'Sucka T' makes his non-awaited return to WSE. Yeah, I don't remember the muh' fucker either... Sucka tromps down to the ring, slides in, and grabs a microphone...]
Sucka: Playa, don't hate the Game... hate Daddy's Billion Dollah Princess!!!
Fans: ...
Sucka: And if you can't DIG THAT... then I's gots six words fah yuz............................... SAVE THE DRAMA... FO' YO' LAMAAAAA!!! Biz-nitch! ... Make that seven.
[SUDDENLY...]
[The lights begin to flash black and white, and "Back in Black" by the legendary AC/DC hits... and out come Reeve and Axl, only now wearing matching 'mWo' shirts. Hm... mWo? Doesn't ring a banner... I mean BELL! ]
Wes: What are they DOING?!
Rex: I know, right?! Actually coming back to this dump... on PURPOSE?! Maybe they accidentally got this place mistaken for the bathroom... only logical explanation...
[Axl and Reeve arch their arms, and point to the entrance in the old "OutSiders" style... and out struts a man by the name of... aw fuck, come on folks, if you don't know who this guy is by now, then seriously, you must not actually be reading this. ... You... ARE reading this, right? I put alot of hard work into... I mean, the writer put ALOT of hard work into this! That was a close one...]
Wes: Oh... my... GOD! It's him!
Rex: Seriously, I have no fuckin' clue who that guy is... His hair's a damned mess though! He needs an afro pick or somethin. :134:
Wes: It's THE Mac!!! THE MAC, REX, THE MAC!
Rex: ... Sooo... he's not just a run of the mill Mac? He's THE absolute Mac? Damn... I feel honored to be in his prescence. But I STILL don't know who the FUCK he is. And I'm still questioning if turning down that suicide doctor was a good idea...
[Mac grabs a microphone, and begins to speak.]
MB: LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLadies and GENTLEMEN, boys and girls, children... of all ages. Allow me to introduce myself... I AM... THE Mac Bry. And after buying both Jack Hoff AND Eric Russo-Kennedy McHeyman's shares in this company, I AM now... the new SOLE owner of WSE! Folks, what you're looking at now is the NEW regime of this... the new -
Axl & Reeve: AND IMPROVED!!!
MB: - World Sports Entertainment! And as of this very second... all the titles are vacated!
Axl: Both of 'em!
MB: And tonight, we WILL declare the new title holders! And how you may ask? Simple... a tournament for the Xtrmkor Title... and a Royal Royale for the World Sports Entertainment Title! The winners of both matches WILL defend their newly aquired gold at the first WSE paper-view of 2010... Kissy Face Snuggle Bunny Day!
Rex: What in the FUCK kinda name for a WRESTLING event is that?!
MB: This isn't WRESTLING, buddy boy...
Reeve: It's SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!
Axl: Yeah, get it right!
Rex: Ugh...
Sucka [from the ring]: Hey dawg, you interrupted mah damn promo! You BEST git tah steppin', biz-nitch!
Reeve: FOO'!!!
Sucka: ... Huh?
MB: You heard him, Sucka! Reeve wants a piece of your ass!
Sucka: He can HAVE a piece ah mah black ass! I got plenty more where that came from! Cuz I's black! And... well, I gotta big ol' ass! Squeezy squeezy!
MB: He wants it, you're willing to give it... dammit, we've got a match! Reeve Gordon, Sucka T... WSE's first EVER "Match of Ten Thousand Pillows"! And that's the bottom line, cuz THE Mac... has... SPOKAAANNN!!!
Wes: Well sports fans, you've heard our brand new Chairman! As his first official act, he's stripped both Ultimo MADDEN and Redd W. Bloo of their gold, and is putting the straps on the line in a tournament and the 2010 Royal Royale. And to add to that, he's now made the first match-up for the Xtrmkor Tourney... the returning Sucka T, vs Mac's mWo cohort, Reeve Gordon!
Rex: I have to say... I could not care LESS about everything you just said. You got fifteen bucks, cuz I'm thinkin' about calling a cab...
Wes: And we'll have all of this EXCITING action, after these ads for Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus, and of course, Hannah Montana!
Rex: Yip-fuckin'-ee...
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[We return, backstage at the Hell Hole, where Tad "The Tool" Griswold, WSE's resident roving reporter, is awaiting the arrival of the "HollyWood Highlight", "The Samon Movie Machine", HollyRock. Suddenly -]
Wes: BLOCKBUSTER!!! HollyRock just hit the modified rock bottom on Tad for no apparent reason, but obviously he's a face!
Rex: ... Obviously.
HollyRock: *grabs the microphone* "FINALLY... Disney has made a movie that even the most hardcore wrestling fanatic can salivate over! The Rock Solid Truth is, if you like family friendly entertainment... and pie... then you'll LOVE HollyRock's greatest film yet, produced by Disney, and marketed at children in a corporate sea of mediocrity! IF YA WAAATCH... HollyRock's NEW MOVIE, Three-Legged Race to Wisconsin! Available now at BlockBlusters ACROSS AMERICA!!!"
[HollyRock performs THE most electrifyin' move in e-Sports Entertainment, which is of course raising his eyebrow and looking at the camera.]
Wes: ELECTRIFYIN'!!!
Rex: Yup.
Wes: Come on Rex, show a LITTLE more enthusiasm atleast!
Rex: Uh... Yup!
Wes: ... Better.
[As 'Rock heads off, the "Rated G Stupid Star", Nickey Mowse, walks onto the scene... staring down at the fallen Griswold. He shakes his head, and whispers to himself...]
Mowse: WSE must clean up its act... for the children.
Howard Fecal: The following contest is the first ever "Match of Ten Thousand Pillows"!!!
Rex: He says that as if it's a good thing...
Wes: Welcome back to WSE Nitro, sports fans! Sucka T is already in the ring, and Reeve is now climbing in. As -
Good ol' Ben Joss: Folks, this one oughta be one catch-em-as-you-can-catch, mama-said-knock-you-down-drag-out, hell-fahr-raisin', tuna-bakin', slap-yer-commie-soap BAH GAWD BAH GAWD RATTLESNAKE~!!! match.
Rex / Wes: ...
Fecal: First, standing in the corner to my right, and now residing in Funky Like A Monkey, Texas...
Rex: I guess Harlem was too "hood" for widdle ol' Sucka T.
Wes: He's a legit gangstah, Rex! In fact, he refers to everyone as "dawg"! ... So... so there!
Fecal: ... SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA T!
Wes: Sucka is standing atop the turnbuckle, raising his fists and pumping up the crowd...
Rex: He's gonna need a MIGHTY large pump...
[Sucka continues to raise his fists in the air... when suddenly, from behind, Reeve slams a throw pillow over the back of T's big black ass.]
Wes: What a cheap shot!
Rex: And man... I gotta tell ya. You just DON'T mess with a black man's ass. I may hate Sucka... but I feel sorry for poor Reeve.
Wes: The rules of this match are simple, sports fans. The ring has been surrounded by pillows of every variety, and over each corner post hangs a pillowcase. Inside three of the four pillowcases are three seperate weapons, while inside the fourth pillowcase is a golden ticket. The first man to snatch-
Rex: Heheh.
Wes: - the ticket, will advance to the next round of the tournament.
Rex: Great... wake me when it's over.
Wes: For those actually interested in the match... Reeve is simply taking it to Sucka early on here, thanks to that sneak attack. Reeve has already brought in a few throw pillows, travel pillows, neck pillows, even some sofa cushions. Reeve grabs a pillow, reels back, and swings the pillow straight into the head of Sucka, with the force of a mighty hurricane...
Rex: A drunken Hurricane? Because I hear those are dangerous this season.
Wes: ... and it nearly takes off Sucka's head! Sucka is left sprawled out on the canvas, and Reeve is heading to a corner, to perhaps introduce one of the weapons to the match, or perhaps find the golden ticket...
Rex: What in the HELL is... OH MY GOD!!!
Wes: Am I seeing this right, or... is that...
BJ: As God as my witness, that dildo is gonna break Sucka T in half!!!
Rex: DAMNIT!! I can't believe I missed Hot Lesbian Fighting Championship for THIS!!!
Wes: Reeve Gordon has pulled a STRAP-ON DILDO from one of the pillowcases!
Rex: Trust me, that can be used as a weapon. Those things hurt.
Wes: ... And you know this because... ?
Rex: ... Er...
BJ: BAH GAWD!
Wes: My point, exactly... Reeve grabs the dildo in his... hands. Egh... With Sucka lying on his stomach, rear up in the air, Reeve lifts the phallic device high into the air... and...
BJ: BAH GAWD, HOLY MOTHER LOVIN' PANCAKE EATIN' JIMMY JACK JESUS ABOVE, SUCKA T'S ASS HAS JUST BEEN BROKEN IN HALF!!!!!~1
Rex: Oh holy hell...
Wes: Yes sports fans, Reeve just STUFFED that dildo straight into the rear of Sucka T! And Sucka shoots straight up off of the mat in pain! Sucka runs... right into the corner post! And he's out like a light!
Rex: This is the most god awful display I have EVER witnessed... and I watched an episode of 'That's So Raven'... Not good.
Wes: Reeve is moving toward another corner, and another possible weapon... or possibly the golden ticket. But wait a minute! Sucka has got a BEANBAG CHAIR!
BJ: This could do it, folks! I can tell ya right now, that beanbag chair ain't made out ah candy!
Rex: ... What?
Wes: Candy, Rex... just nod your head 'yes', and pretend he makes sense.
Rex: ...
Wes: Sucka is rushing toward Reeve with the beanbag chair... he raises it over his head, and takes a swing... but Reeve hits a drop-toe-hold!!! Sucka drops forward, and he slams face first into the bean-filled chair! With his opponent on the mat, Reeve heads up top, and brings down another pillowcase... he reaches in... and pulls out...
Rex: What is that... Is that a framed picture of Axl? ... Half-naked... Eww... I need to go wash my eyes out... Or maybe gouge them out...
Wes: It's Reeve's partner in the ComingOutsiders... Wait... I think I may have just figured out where they got that name...
Rex: Hey! Axl and Reeve are NOT GAY! They're just... heterosexually challenged...
BJ: AXL SHOT! AXL SHOT! BAH GAWD, AXL SHOT!
Wes: Indeed, Reeve just slammed that framed picture of Axl over the head of Sucka. The picture of Reeve's boyfriend -
Rex: HEY!
Wes: - is left wrapped around Sucka's head.... just as Reeve SPEARS Sucka, back-first, into the corner, before slamming a few shoulder shots into the Harlem GlobeTrotter's gut.
Rex: Sucka T's a Harlem Globetrotter? Since when?
Wes: No, it's just... his former hometown... Screw it, let's just stick to calling him Sucka.
Rex: Fine with me.
Wes: Reeve towers over Sucka... sending straight fists, one after the other, into the skull of the man from Funky like a Monkey, Texas. Reeve looks up, and finds a third pillowcase looming overhead... he pulls it down, reaches in, and secures... what in the hell is that?
Rex: It looks like some kinda... magic spell book?
Wes: Wow... Well, irregardless, Reeve reads through the book, until he comes upon something... "The Show" reads from the tome...
Reeve: Ninth Wonder-us... Walt-manicus... Celeb-box-inucus... Female-penis-iticus!!!
Rex: ... What kinda fucked up magic words are - WHAT THE-?!?!
BJ: Bah Gawd, folks, that woman is a HOSS!!!
Wes: Ladies and Gentlemen... Sucka T has just transformed into Joanie Laurer... this is just...
Rex: Now... I've seen everything. Poor Sucka... first rammed up the ass by a dildo, then slammed over the skull by a picture of a half-naked man... and now turned into a woman. A very MANLY woman... but still a woman.
Wes: Chyna/Sucka/Whatever IT is, begins to look at 'her' hands... and smiles.
Chyna: CHYNA SMASH!!!
Reeve: Uh... oh. I think I made a boo boo. I was looking for the spell to turn him into Torrie Wilson... musta got lost somewhere... VERY, very lost... Shit.
['Chyna' grabs Reeve, before hoisting him above 'her' head, into a gorrila press slam position... and drops the poor guy flat on his face. "The 9th Wonder of the World" then turns 'her' attention to Mac, who is still outside the ring, anxiously anticipating his friend's hopeful win... Chyna/Nikki storms over to the side of the ring near Mac, and reaches out to grab Mac... Mac looks a bit shocked by the massive frame before him...]
Rex: I would too... that THING'S a BEAST!
Wes: Oh come now, Rex, Joanie's not that bad.
Rex: Would you do her?
Wes: FUCK no...
Rex: Case closed. But wait! While Sucka, Chyna, Joanie, WHATEVER is distracted with Mac... Reeve is headed toward the final pillowcase!
Wes: 'Chyna' pulls Mac up OFF the floor, into the ring, and goes for a punch, but Mac blocks it, and twists 'Chyna's' fist around, applying pressure, almost into a bit of a submission hold! Mac is actually countering that behemoth! ... Well, for all of five seconds. Mac goes for a kick to the gut of Chyna/Sucka while grabbing onto her/his fist... but the "9th Wonder" grabs Mac's leg! Chyna/Sucka then pulls in Mac... and rips into him with a simply vicous clothesline, sending him colliding with the canvas. Chyna/Sucka then picks up THE Mac, tosses him between her/his legs, picks him up... and this COULD be a huuuge powerbomb! We might need Jack Hoff to come back and take the reigns after all! Mac might be DONE! ... But Reeve just pulled down the final pillowcase, and the golden ticket with it!
Rex: He's got the golden ticket, he's got the golden tickeeettt!!! Haha, gotta love some Wonka...
Reeve: Hand-birthicus... Saggin'-puppy-cus!!!
Wes: OH MY GOD!!! After snatching -
Rex: Heheh!
Wes: - the ticket, Reeve picked the spell book back up... and Chyna/Sucka just transformed into MAE YOUNG/Sucka!!! And with that, Mac falls right on top of the now frail Sucka... squashing him under THE Mac's weight!
Mae/Sucka: I've fallen... and I can't get up!!! ... SUCKAAA!!! *cough, hack, weeze*
Rex: Eww... one nasty looking woman just turned into an even nastier looking woman... this match... lemme tell ya, this ended up even worse than I expected.
Wes: You can say that again...
Rex: This ended up even worse than -
Wes: REX!
Rex: Well...
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[We return to the ring, where Mac holds the microphone...]
Mac: I've decided to make the next tournament match a "Pick Your Own Lumberjacks" match. And it will feature my second in command, Axl... Van... Halen!
Wes: We're being joined, once more, by the mWo's lead commentator, Good ol' Ben Joss.
Rex: Ben, could you tell everyone at home your initials?
Ben: Well, bah gawd folks, it's Good ol' BJ!
Wes: I don't see what this has to do -
Rex: BJ!!! As in, I'd like our Chairman's girlfriend, Krystal Dawn, to give me a big ol' sloppy BJ!
Krystal Dawn: I can hear you, Rex! I'm sitting RIGHT over here at ringside, about two feet away from you... remember?
Rex: Sorry, I was too busy looking down your shirt!
BJ: Puppies!!!
Rex: Wrong rip-off, Ben. But you're not kiddin'... Why don't we forget about the match and spend the next twenty minutes watching Krys strip!
Krys: Or we could watch Mac, Axl and Reeve take turns kicking your ass?
Rex: ... Go right ahead with the introduction, Mr. Bry...
MB: FIRST, already in the ring to my left... he is one half of the Coming Outsiders, and is being accompanied by his lumberjacks; myself, Reeve Gordon, my gorgeous babe Krystal Dawn, and Good ol' BJ... it's AXL!
Rex: ... Mac's sure Ben Joss is a good choice for a lumberjack? I mean, shouldn't lumberjacks be able to walk an inch without passing out from exhaustion?
MB: And his opponent, ALSO already in the ring... Johnnnn SEMEN!!!
["Basik Ekonomix" plays on the speakers, as the fans in the Hell Hole are coming alive... well, atleast the pre-pubescent female contingent. Semen stands tall in the ring, flashing various random hand gestures.]
Wes: Listen to that crowd roar!
Rex: Oh yeah, more like 'squeel'... buncha friggin' teenage girls. Why don't they squeel like that when I come to the desk?
Wes: Maybe because they're not into the whole 'perverted, middle-aged man' thing, I dunno.
Rex: I am NOT middle-aged! I'll have you know I'm... I'm 21! In fact... I just turned 21 last Monday! ... And just in case any women around my age, around as in 19, 18... 17 with parents' consent... would like to chat, my AIM screen-name is 'rexisnotmiddleageadandisseriouslybetterlookingthanheappearsontvjustaskhim@aol.com'. Boy has THAT sn come in handy over the past five years...
Wes: You're one desperate little man, Rex...
BJ: Folks, we gots you one helluva whipper-snapper fer all yall right'chere too-night! Too-night, right'chere, in this here ver-ah ring, we're-ah gonna be seein' a dad gum 12 man Classix Survivor : China : Series Elimee-nation match-up contest of wrasslin' skill! "The Totally Packaged" John Loogie, along with that der Five Disciples of Christ, is gonna be takin' on the one and only "CONE STOLD! CONE STOLD! BAH GAWD CONE STOLD!" Axl, along with his team pardners, Da Sissified Bitch, Mac "Scawlded Dawg" Banndito, Mr. Reeve Gordon... Reeve Gordon, an' ah course, "Done Got Smacked Like a Bitch" Smackerbitch!!! All that, plus HELLFAHR AND BRIMSTONE LIGHT!!!~1, right after these hahr commercialized adver-ee-tisements of break-ocitude!
Wes / Rex: ...
Wes: Did you make out a word he just said, Rex?
Rex: Not a one...
Semen: YO, YO, YO, YO, YO... YO! Lemme speak on dis...
Mistah Axl Van Halen, Reevie boy, Mac and the bunch...
Y'allz about tah make Semen lose his damn lunch!
All y'all, walkin' 'round, thinkin' y'all the best,
Walkin' 'Round the lockeroom like ya have a mothah-fuckin' 'S' on ya chest
Just cuz you mWo, you think yo' ass is fah life...
But you dead-ah then Ryan O'Neal's woulda been wife!
The fact of the mattah, without a shadow of a doubt,
Without a question in yo' mind, yo' pussy asses the WSE could do without!
And that's not to say it's worth a damn it's own self, but face facts, jackass
Next to a punk ass bitch like Mac, a fat ass like Jack Hoff's first class!
Since you got to the buildin' this mornin', y'all sayin' to anyone that'd lend an ear,
That they sucked, and you rocked, and you'd guzzle down a beer.
But as time rolled by, Nitro drew close-ah, and we realized you muh-fuckas couldn't hack this,
It was more obvious than Krystal Dawn's fake tits that y'all would even make a guy named Shane slit his own wrists!
So, ya fat sacks ah shit, I hope you have ya bags packed
Cuz by the time this show's ov-ah, your dumb asses is gettin' jacked!
You can huff and you can puff.
Ain't no way you can blow dis company down.
In case you didn't notice, dis hurr's WORLD Sports Entertainment...
Not MAC'S WORLD Sports Entertainment... so you can step up to the window and collect ya payment.
Cuz the Semen's handin' out the checks tonight, five dollah fist drops for every mWo bastard in sight,
Nobody hits harder than the Chain Gang of Love Soldier... nobody runs, jumps, leaps faster, blastin' through job-bahs like kryptonite,
And THE Mac can kiss THE Ass of every last fan in the stands 'fer he git blast full a dynamite.
Mac... yo' days ah numb-ahd. You just don't know it yet.
But as soon as you stepped through that door... each and every WSE member placed a bet.
Took you an HOUR... and you've already pissed off every man in the back.
Course, lookin' at THE Zine, seems yo' record's still on track.
Face it, powder puff... you hated everywhere you go. WSE be no different.
The Zine's where you started your demise...
... WSE be where you finish it.
A change IS comin'... it's on the horizon as close as I can touch.
But as for you, ya chick, ya buddies... heh, well... WSE and its fans just don't give... a...
Fans: FUCK~!!!
Wes: Well. ... Mac is talking to the ref... and now Mac's getting on the microphone.
Mac: Change of plans. BJ, commentary duties, as it should be. Krystal... referee duties, as you've always proven to be an asset in the past.
Rex: Asset? He's got THAT right.
She sure fills out that referee's shirt out nice, if you catch my drift.
Wes: Yeah, I think I do.
Rex: She can ring MY bell, if you know what I mean!
Wes: Well, she's not the timekeeper, but I know what you mean...
Rex: She could introduce my "entrance" any day!
Wes: ... WOULD YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE DAMN MATCH?!
Rex: Well sorry... But don't hold it against me! ... Hold HER against me!
Wes: YOU'RE DESPICABLE!!!~!
Mac: Reeve, special enforcer... and as for me... well...
[Mac suddenly pounces on Semen, before grabbing the microphone, crushing John's throat down with his fist.]
Mac: Consider yourself priviledged, Semen... you've just entered yourself into the first handicap match of WSE's new regime. Now choke on THAT... slapnuts.
Wes: This is a damn sham!
Rex: Ha! This is what I'm talkin' about! I am SOOO happy we got rid of Hoff... Mac is THE Man!!!
Wes: *sigh* This is horrible...
Rex: Wes, this is the only time this show HASN'T been horrible! Mac is the best thing that's happened to this fed in... well, EVER!
Wes: Mac and Axl are beating down Semen... when Semen rolls out of the ring. Semen walks over to Reeve... right fist to the jaw!
Rex: Hey, that was uncalled for!
Wes: Semen is just taking out mWo members left and right, before they get to HIM. Axl and Mac roll outside, and head for Semen... but Semen sends a forearm to the face of Mac, sending him crashing down to the floor. John then smacks Axl across the face with a left fist, and Axl stumbles back a few steps, turns around, and stops in front of Krystal Dawn, the two of them conversing...
Rex: This is no time for "conversing" Axl, kick the wigger's wiggin' ass!
[Axl continues to chat with Krys, when John walks toward Axl's turned back... right before Axe quickly runs behind Krystal, as Semen stops dead in his tracks.]
Axl: WHAT?! You're going to hit a woman, huh?! Is THAT how the game's played?! Hitting a defenseless woman?! SHAME!!!
Mac: Hey now! You can't use my girl as a shield!
Axl: But...
Krys: Yeah, tell him sweetie!
Axl: But Mac... don't you want me to win?!
Mac: Oh... yeah, that's right... sorry Krys, but you're gonna have to take one for the team on this one!
Krys: !!!!!!!
Mac: Sorry hun!
Wes: John thinks for a second... before pulling out a wad of cash.
Krys: ... What's that for?
Semen: You let me beat that dipshit's ass, I'll give you this. Go buy yourself somethin' pretty.
Krys: Oooo! You got it, dude!
Rex: What the... THE HELL?! Krystal just took the money and ran!
Mac: KRYSTAL! Get your ass back here before... uh... before I... hold my breath!
Axl: Oh, he'll do it too, I've seen him!
Mac: Krys... Krystal?! ... FUCK!
Wes: Well, it appears as if the ref has LEFT the building!
Mac: Dammit... looks like we'll have to go with plan b.
[Mac rips off his mWo shirt... revealing a ref shirt.]
Rex: Ah HA! BRILLIANT!
Wes: Oh brother...
Mac: Reeve, take my place! It's now you and Axl vs Semen!
Reeve: Ai yai, mine capitan!
Wes: This can't BE!
Rex: But it is! Reeve and Axl are pounding away on John Semen, and Mac is ready to count the pinfall as soon as he humanly can! And it's absolutely PERFECT!
Wes: Axl just snapmared Semen over his shoulder, and now he's putting on a dragon sleeper.
Rex: If these two were in the ring with Semen, I bet it wouldn't be too long before the bell was rung and John picked up the #1 Contendership.
Wes: But as it stands, they're on the outside, and falls DON'T count out there!
Mac: Oh yes they do!
Wes: I stand corrected...
Rex: YES! Pin that wigger ass, Reeve! Axl! Do your buddy proud!
Wes: Reeve now has a chair, and Axl a lead pipe. Reeve lifts the chair overhead, but Semen quickly picks Reeve's leg, dropping Reeve down, face first onto the steel! And now Semen's locked on the Shut The Fuck Up, the modified STFU! Semen holds Reeve in that devestating submission... Axl is speeding toward the Chain Gang of Love Soldier with the pipe, but Semen quickly releases the hold, and easily back body drops Axl up and over the barricade, into a fan who was holding a drink... the drink spilling all over Axl!
Fan: HEY! I was drinking that! You're gonna pay, ya damn jobber!
Rex: Hey! That dick is beating up Axl!
Wes: That "dick" happens to be a paying customer.
Rex: You mean as in he was paid to be here?
Wes: ... Yes.
[The fan tosses Axl back over the barricade.]
Wes: Semen now has Reeve in a sharpshooter... he might just tap...
BJ: DRUNK ASS! DRUNK ASS! BAH GAWD, DRUNK ASS!
Rex: What are you on about - Hey! BJ's right... for once. WSE former Stupid Star, "Drunk Ass" Austin Stevens just came in and hit the Drunk Ass Drop on both Reeve AND Axl! That drunken BASTARD!
Wes: It looks like the hatred WSE's loyalists have for Mac and the mWo is REAL! And it's so real that "Drunk Ass" HAD to return, just to give those two a piece of his mind!
Mac: You creep! You can't do that! Do you know who those men are?! They're my hand-PICKED opponents for John Semen! And another thing -
[Austin Stevens is now standing right before Mac, staring him directly in the eyes.]
MB: Er... uhm... as... uh, as I was saying... yeah...
Drunk Ass: You talkin' tah me, boy? Huh? WHAT?! I said you talkin' tah ol' Drunk Ass?! Am I holdin' four fingers in front ah my eyes, huh?!
MB: Um... you're not holding ANY fingers in front of your eyes...
Drunk Ass: Oh... my bad. Ol' Drunk Ass is... well, drunk off his ass, and he cain't see so good... he thinks WHAT?! I said he thinks he hears a ringin' but that's probably just the damn WHAT?! Just the damn buzz... Friggin' beer... I'll Drunk Ass Drop that beer, it wants tah fight ol' Drunk Ass, I'mma tell ya what!
MB: ... Ok.
BJ: DRUNK ASS DROP TO MB!!!
MB: Hey, he did no such thing!
BJ: Sorry, instinct...
Drunk Ass: Mac, I had enough ah you runnin' yer lil' ol' milee mouthed mouth about WSE and how much it sucks, WHAT?! I said how much it sucks! It sucks, but not THAT damn much! So, what I'mma do, is challenge you to a match! *hic* Yup, that sounds like a good idea right about now... when I'm drunk...
MB: Well... as much as I'd love to do that, and believe me... I wouldn't... I think you'd be better suited to enter this tournament! So... after Axl and Reeve finish up kicking Semen's rear, it'll be you, versus the Ultimate Fighting Chickenshit, Gruel Renshaw! How's that sound? ... Stevens? ... Austin Stevens?
[Mac looks down... to find Drunk Ass passed out at THE Mac's feet.]
MB: Welp... looking forward to THAT match...
Wes: John Semen has rolled Axl back into the ring, and he goes for the pin, this should do it.
Mac: 1................................................ 2......................
[Semen stands up, and shoves Mac.]
Semen: What, can you not count to three?!
MB: Well, actually, to tell ya the truth...
Wes: OH MY GOD! Axl just rolled Jim up from behind! Oh, and NOW Mac can count just FINE!
Rex: 1...2... DAMN!
BJ: OH BAH GAWD!!!~! As Gawd as my witness, the Axe man ALMOST cameth!
Rex: Well... he almost WON, if that's what you mean... that certain phrase sort of invokes improper imagery...
Wes: I'm sure if he was pinning Reeve, he'd have come without hesitation...
Rex: SHUT UP!
Wes:
Rex: Asshole...
Wes: Semen kicks out, but Axl picks him up... whips him into the ropes... and on the return, he lifts him up in a flapjack, and WOW! Reeve comes out of nowhere, following up on the move in some sort of Dudley-esque Deathdrop-style move of some sort!
Rex: Oh come now, Mike, I think everyone knows what that is! It's uh... the Team 3D Finisher!
Wes: I think that'll work for the copyright hounds... Reeve and Axl slap fives... and BOTH of them pin Semen! And Mac counts the FASTEST pinfall I've ever seen... Crap.
BJ: TUNA!!!!!
Wes: Yes Ben, tuna, that pretty much sums it all up. Reeve starts pounding away fists to the mush of Semen after the match... Dammit, is this REALLY neccessary?
Rex: Yes! And very much so!
[Reeve and Axl finally stomp Semen out of the ring... before Mac smiles complacently to himself... and speaks into a microphone.]
Mac: Axl... Reeve... let's do this thing!
Wes: Mac signals for the bell... which is rung. Reeve and Axl circle one another...
Rex: Oh, I wish they could just BOTH have the damn belt. But I read the script, so I'm not putting all my eggs in THAT basket...
Wes: Reeve nears Axl... Axl nears Reeve... and Axl... Axl just poked Reeve with his forefinger. ... And Reeve FALLS?!
Rex: ... YES! It's the Revenge of the Fingerpoke of Doom : This Time it's Personal!
Wes: Axl goes for the pin, and Reeve is... Reeve's listening to an iPod. This is the most LUDICROUS match I have EVER witnessed...
Rex: Even more ludicrous than the past... what, 39 ridiculously ridiculous WSE matches?
Wes: Even moreso.
Mac: 1, 2, 3... Your winner, and advancing to the next round of the Xtrmkor tournament - AXL~!!!
Wes: Now I'M hating this show...
Rex: And ironically? I'm lovin' it!!!
Wes: Sports fans... we'll be back.
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[Disney's Zack and Cody are backstage...
... lying in a pool of their own blood!]
Wes: What on EARTH?!
Rex: Who would harm Dylan and Cole?! They're about the only actors worth a shit on this stinkin' channel, and somebody has to go and MASSACRE 'EM?! Is there no JUSTICE!!!
Wes: Well sports fans, while we try and sort that out, let's send it to the ring, where we're ready for our next tournament match... Gruel Renshaw, who's already in the ring, versus THIS man...
Rex: Guess who's gonna win... go 'head, guess. The guy that's NOT already in the ring.
[The sounds of glass shattering can be heard, before Godsmack's "Whiskey Hangover" hits... and out stomps 'Drunk Ass' Austin Stevens, the hero to millions of WSE fanatics!]
Rex: I WISH we had millions... even HUNDREDS of fans... then I'd actually have a reason to stick around next to your ass, Wes...
Wes: Irregardless, Stevens is stomping to the ring, Gruel obviously shaking in his boots... Stevens rolls into the ring...
DRUNK ASS DROP!
Ref: 1... 2... 3!
Wes: And that's it!
Rex: Told ya so... Drunk Ass has a certain way with his matches. A certain way of ending every one of them in about five seconds or less...
Wes: Sports fans, we're gonna take another look at EVERY detail of that match!
[drunk ass drop, 1, 2, 3]
Wes: And now, in slow motion!
[drrrruuuunnnnkkkkkk aaaaasssss drrrooooppppp, ooooonnnneeee, twwwoooo, threeeeeeee]
Wes: And now in fast motion!
[drunkassdroponetwothree]
Wes: And now in Portugese!
Rex: WILL YOU STOP IT!!! Geez, and they call YOU the level-headed one?
Wes: Just trying to pad out that match... needs all it can get. Moving right along -
[Suddenly, "It's a Small World Land" by the Goof Troop hits, and a pre-recorded "N-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-W-S-E!" chant fills through the speakers... as "The Rated G Stupid Star" mosies out from behind the curtains.]
Wes: Wait a minute, what's that guy doing out here?
Rex: I dunno, but he's not with the mWo, so my attention span just dropped back to zilch...
Wes: Nickey Mowse was, for those that don't know, the OFFICIAL spokesman for Disney's "DisneyWorldLand" amusement park, located in CaliFlorida. DisneyWorldLand WAS meant to be the new home of WSE, but... well, we sorta burnt the place down.
Rex: I told Jack Hoff not to cook a 500 ton mass of lard ontop of the Epcot Center 2.0, but did he listen? Nooo... good RIDDANCE to him, is what I say! Long live the Mac Regime!
Wes: Anyway, Disney has graciously allowed us to stay on with the Channel... in return for promoting the hell out of Nickey. Nickey who is, now that DisneyWorldLand is no more, the star of a new reality based program they've got going ; Life Behind the Ears : The Story of One of Those Losers Wearing the Mickey Mouse Costumes at DisneyWorld that Gets Beat Up all the Time By Kids .
Rex: Aren't they so kind. Letting us stay on this channel I hate if we keep around the costumed dipshit I hate. PERFECT...
Wes: Nickey's in the ring, and he apparently has something to say...
Nickey: First, one of this company's workers is injured. That... I can live with. The Disney Corporation can live with it. Everything's honkey dorey, peachy keen, fun-tastic. BUT... somebody MESSED with the WRONG set of TWINS! Nobody lays a finger on the Sprouse twins and gets away with it! WSE has lived in its own crapulence for too long. ... But that's fine. What the Disney Corporation WILL NOT STAND BY and watch, is when violence... sex... and especially Sex AND Violence are perpetrated in a company it's affiliated with! Crappy products... we've come to adjust to the normality of that. We've had to... it's all we produce any more. ... But we will NOT let the SACRED 'G' Rating go ANY higher than PG!!! WWE can let their filth be graded with the EVIL '13'... but not US! The Disney Corporation is genuine! The Disney Corporation is good, and righteous, and pure! The Disney Corporation is -
? : The Disney-ah Corporation is-ah buncha pasta fazooli!!!
[The audience POPS! Can you believe that?! ... No? Damn. Well, anyway, Major Mario comes out, in his red and blue fatigues, and smiles that mustachioed grin of his.]
Major Mario: Nickey-ah! Why-ah you make-ah Mario angry, fuh, eh?! You won't-ah like the Major when-ah he angry!!!
Nickey Mowse: Mario, Nintendo's just as much a family-friendly company as Disney, why are you interfering on these people's behalf! They DON'T know what's best for themselves, it's obvious! Why do you think they elected George W. Bush as PRESIDENT! A SECOND TIME?! It's obvious they're incapable of making decisions themselves! Especially Florida...
Mario: You-ah wanna know the difference between Nintendo and Disney? It's-ah simple. Nintendo is STILL producing something now that Disney USED to know-ah about... a lil' sumpin' I like to refer to as ENTERTAINMENT! Nintendo knows that, to truly offer entertainment, ya can't restrict-ah your product-ah! Ya can't focus on ONE demographic-ah! You think Disney would evah put out a Resident Evil movie? I don't give a koopa's shell WHAT you think, Nickey muh boy, cuz the truth is... Disney's lost its curve. It's fallen intah the same rut that companies like WWE, shows like SNL, and PEOPLE like YOU have! You've all forgotten what is to just have FUN. And more importantly, to make somethin' fun! And to make somethin' fun, ya gotta do more than just TALK about it... ya gotta ACT on it, ya pepperoni-brained goomba biter!
Mac *from the Not-The-Titan-Tron* : Firstly... from now on, this is the iMAC !!! The Not-The-Titan-Tron is sooo 2009! This is a new decade Narrator, get with the program!
[Raza frackin'...]
Mac: Anyhell, MARIO! You want 'action'? You got it! Right now, it's you and Nickey... in a STREETFIGHT!
Wes: Mac has struck again!
Rex: And he's turning it up a notch! Reeve's in the next round of the tournament, Axl, Drunk Ass... and now it'll either be Major Mario or Nickey Mowse! And my money's on the Mowse!
Wes: Maybe because your money's contractually OBLIGATED to be "on the Mowse"... thanks to Disney?
Rex: ... Maybe.
Wes: The ref signals for the bell, and this one's underway. And they waste no time, as Mario and Mowse are vicously tearing into one another with fists of fury. Mario sends one more fist toward the skull of Mowse, who grabs the fist, twisting it behind the back of Mowse, applying a hammerlock! But Mario reaches his free arm up behind him, hooks Mowse's head... and snaps off a quick stunner!
Rex: Dammit Nickey, get back in this one! And by the way, my comments on this match are paid for by Disney. Disney - We're Gonna Make You Smile. Whether You Like It Or Not.
Wes: Jeez... good ol' Walt, always going for the hard sell... Anyway, Mowse is sent reeling back, before tumbling through the ropes and crashing to the outside. Mario drops to the mat and rolls to the outside, sending a few stomps to the side and head of Mowse. After taking a bit of abuse, Mowse manages to take hold of Mario's ankle, trip him to the ground, and float over into a headlock on the Mushroom Kingdom Menace.
Rex: My boy Mowse has trapped Mario in a Subcon-sized headlock.
Wes: I don't think Mario would appreciate that comment...
Rex: But Wart would.
Wes: Mowse begins to grind his knuckles into the forehead of Mario while still applying the headlock... Wait, Mario's reaching up and... YES! He's trying to remove the ears!
Rex: HE BETTER NOT! You don't mess with that man's mouse ears!
Wes: Mowse elbows Mario to prevent the ears from being removed, and let's go of the head lock. Mowse takes a few steps away, while Mario makes it to his feet. Before Mario can turn around, Mowse locks on a reverse waistlock, and is about to lift Mario up for a german suplex, when Mario switches behind Mowse... and pulls off a german suplex of his own! And he follows this up by rolling right through, and snaps off another, with a release! It's the Warp-Pipe-Plex!!!
Rex: Dammit all to the minus level!
Wes: Mowse has been dropped on the back of his head, and I'm afraid he may have a broken frickin' neck!
Rex: I don't think Kurt would appreciate that comment!!!
Wes: Cobain?
Rex: ... No.
Wes: Mario grabs Mowse by the collar of his black shirt, and pulls Nickey to his feet, before ramming his back into the corner post. He then hits a snap fisherman suplex, which sends Mowse crashing into the barricade. But just as Mario reaches a vertical base, Mowse is right back up, and clotheslines Mario, taking him off his feet. Mowse rolls Mario back into the ring, and goes for a pin, and picks up a 2 count only. Mowse sends a few forearm shots to the side of Mario's head. Mowse climbs up the corner post... he seems to be going for a moonsault... OH MY GOD! Mario just came to his senses and hit a dropkick, sending Mowse hurtling to the outside and smacking his face on our desk!
Rex: What are you doin' not winning! Start winning! You don't win matches by... uh... not winning! So go in there and... WIN, DAMN YOU, WIN! ... Disney better make this worth it...
Wes: I don't think he can hear you, Rex. He's too worried about the massive headache he has right about now.
Rex: Oh, mind your own damn business, Wes...
Wes: Touchy, are we Well, Mowse slowly clamors back into the ring, but doesn't have the strength to stand, lying on his back and breathing heavily. Mario lifts Mowse from the canvas, before bouncing off one set of ropes, heading for Mowse... but somehow, Mowse finds the power to snap off a quick belly to belly, bringing Mario down hard to the mat. Both men are left lying... Now they're starting to slowly reach their feet... Mowse and Mario begin to circle eachother... Mowse goes in for the tieup, but Mario easily shoves the "Rated G Stupid Star" off and into the corner. Mario storms forward and leaps into the air, but just as he's about to make impact, Mowse rolls out of the way, and Mario collides with the top turnbuckle. Mario spins around sharply after that violent collision, and slumps against the turnbuckle... Mowse rams a shoulder into the big guy's gut... and follows it up with another, and another. Mowse heads up top and begins driving his fists into Mario's face... but Mario manages to toss Mowse off like a package of sliced cheese!
Rex: Man, this is turning out to be an EASY match of the night contender... though, that's not saying much, sadly...
Wes: More than likely. And WHOA! Mario nearly just took Mowse's head clear off with a vile clothesline to the skull, flipping Mowse in mid-air! Mario bounces off one set of ropes, the opposite set of ropes, leaps into the air, and comes crashing down with a massive splash, knocking the air right out of poor Mowse... Rex, "your boy"'s in trouble!
Rex: Give him a bit ah time, won't ya?! Geez, you act like he's laying motionless in the ring!
Wes: He IS laying motionless in the ring!
Rex: Oh... well, he's screwed then.
Wes: And it looks as if it's about to become even worse for the mouse eared one... Mario just went outside and grabbed a steel chair!
Rex: CRAP! He's doomed... the guy's f'n DOOMED I tells ya!
[Mowse slowly makes it to a vertical base, turns around, and gets clobbered with a chair right to the mush by the Plumber Extraordinaire.]
Rex: Dammit to HELL, Mowse's lying on the canvas, and Mario's nearing victory! ALL IS LOST! DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGEEERRR!!!
Mac *from the iMAC* : Hold on, hold the phone! Uh.... This is now a... One Guy Has His Arms Tied Behind His Back Match! ... And standing on one foot! And toss a blindfold in there why dont'cha! Yeah, A One Guy Has His Arms Tied Behind His Back, Standing on One Foot, and BLINDFOLDED Match! So break out the rope and blindfold, ya jackass referee!
Rex: YAHOO!
Wes: In the words of Joey Styles : Oh-my-GOD, Rex, do you seriously believe this is a level playing field?
Rex: ... No? Does it matter?
Wes: I guess not... Either way, the iMAC screen shuts off, as Mario stands on one foot, with both of his arms tied behind his back, and his vision disabled by the blindfold. He couldn't possibly stand a chance now, and Mac must be smiling from ear to ear back in his cushy office!
Rex: NOW we'll determine a TRUE winner!
Wes: ... Are you kidding?
Rex: Hell no! Disney doesn't pay me to kid... and they don't pay me much for what they DO pay me for, either... ... BUT I'M NOT COMPLAINING! ... God, I'm nervous right about now...
Wes: There's no way Major Mario's getting past Nickey Mowse now! This whole damn tournament is HORRENDOUS! It's handicapping half the roster so that Mac's buddies and compatriots can make it into the next round!
Rex: Hey, this is an E-FED... we wouldn't have it any other way.
Wes: And of course, Mowse grabs the steel chair, and... OH MY GAWD! Mario's bleeding on the mat from his nose! This is unbelievable! Dammit, something MUST be done! I thought that bastard Mowse was supposed to be AGAINST violence!
Rex: This is JUST and RIGHT violence for a CAUSE! Or atleast that's what one of the Disney Corporation's producers is yelling into my ear piece...
Wes: Mowse goes for the cover, and this one is more than academic... one, two, three, give me a friggin' BREAK!
Rex: HA! Things are finally lookin' up, Wes! They're FINALLY lookin' up! Change has TRULY arrived in World Sports Entertainment!
Wes: And I'm not so sure I like it...
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Wes: Sports fans, we're back here in the Hell Hole, here in Nowhere, Oklahoma!
Rex: Unfortunately.
Wes: Reeve Gordon is already in the ring, with his leader, THE Mac Bry, standing outside by the apron.
Rex: All hail THE Mac!
Wes: Jeez, you grow attached to our new Chairmen pretty damn quickly... First Jack Hoff, then Benjamin Tyrell Mason-Morgan, then... Hoff again... now Mac. What's your secret to ass kissing, huh Rex?
Rex: 5 years in Ass Kissing University. It helps tremendously with this career...
Wes: "Whiskey Hangover" plays, and 'Drunk Ass' storms down the ramp... and he's already looking for the Drop... but Reeve shoves Stevens away, and he's rolled to the outside!
Rex: He's catching his breath.
Wes: He's being a chicken shit, that's what he's doing! I'm seriously starting to have it up to HERE with these mWo ass clowns!
Rex: Just accept it, Wes, the hostile takeover has come to fruition! The change... is HERE!
Wes: Either way, Stevens is chasing after Reeve... He ALMOST catches him, but Reeve rolls BACK into the ring... Stevens follows, and... dammit, Reeve has rolled out AGAIN!
Rex: Ha! Brilliant strategy!
Wes: You mean rolling in and out of the ring? Damn Rex, you've got a good point there, I hardly see how ANYONE could think of that.
Rex: Oh can it... bitch.
Wes: Reeve continues to walk... but wait, it's Stevens! Wait... Stevens is... Stevens is in the ring? ... Stevens is both IN the ring and OUTSIDE the ring at the same time! How in the HELL is that possible?!
Rex: Stevens is cheating! He can't be in two places at once, so he's OBVIOUSLY CHEATING!
Wes: The Stevens outside the ring hits the Drop on the already stunned Reeve, and then rolls Reeve into the ring... outside-the-ring-Stevens pulls at the top of his head and... it's a bald cap! And he's pulling off the fake moustache... ... IT'S JOHN SEMEN!!! HOLY HELL! The mWo's scheme is unfoiling before our very eyes!
Rex: FUCK... And now inside the ring, the REAL Stevens is going to town on Reeve! He grabs Reeve by the hair... he raises the double thumbs up... and snaps off the "Drunk Ass Drop"! Say it isn't so! This CAN'T BE IT!
Wes: And... and it's not! Reeve has ACTUALLY kicked out of the Drop! That's gotta be the first time that's EVER happened in the one year history of World Sports Entertainment!
Rex: See! I knew Reeve wasn't like all those others that have fallen to the Drop! He's different! He's mWo! I KNEW he wouldn't be giving up so easily!
Wes: That he isn't. Reeve slides out of the ring to regroup... he actually IS catching his breath this time. Stevens stands mid-ring... and he's checking his inviso-watch.
Rex: His WHAT?!
Wes: His inviso-watch.
Rex: His WHAT?!
Wes: His invisible watch.
Rex: His WHAT?!
Wes: His... dammit Rex, stop that!
Rex: Heehee.
Wes: Stevens immediately rolls out of the ring, and gets in Reeve's face, shoving him up against the fan barricade... Reeve scoffs at this, and bounces back with a forearm shot... but this only pisses off the Arkansas Garter Snake. Stevens comes back with a clothesline attempt, which Reeve ducks underneath and - WAM! Superkick to the back of the head! Austin stumbles forward, slumping against the barricade. Reeve grasps Stevens in his hooks... before planting him with the massive chokeslam! He then leaps into the air and comes crashing back down over Stevens' throat with a big leg drop! Reeve goes for the pin... but unlike a couple of the other matches tonight, pinfalls and submissions only count INSIDE the ring!
Mac: [from the iMAC] Actually... I've decided to instate those rules as the NORM. From now on, unless otherwise stated, there will be no dq's, no count outs, and falls count ANYWHERE in every WSE match! And that's the bottom line... cuz I HAVE SPOKAAANNN!!!~!
Wes: I can't believe that!
Rex: Oh, you can't believe shit! BELIEVE IT, WES! WSE is now HARDCORE!
Wes: Irregardless, Stevens was actually able to kick out of all that! Reeve is coming at Stevens unlike anyone before, but yet Drunk Ass still fights through!
Rex: I bet BBQ Sauce Billy Whats-his-face is sooo happy...
Good ol' BJ: I AM!
Rex: Dammit, thought he was gone...
Good ol' BJ: I AM!
Rex: ...
Wes: Reeve is still trying his damndest to beat Austin to a pulp. Reeve grabs Stevens by the throat with both hands, and lifts him into the air for a double-handed chokeslam... but WOW, Stevens just brought Reeve crashing down with a modified Codebreaker! They're now both lying on the ground... this match might actually tie with Mario/Mowse as match of the show...
Rex: WSE couldn't ACTUALLY be seeing an increase in actual... you know... WRESTLING... could it?
Wes: ...
Rex: Nahhh.
Wes: Parish the thought.
Rex: Double axe handle!!!
Wes: Yes sports fans, Stevens, somehow, someway, felt Reeve coming, and turned around, knocking Reeve off his feet, with an axe handle smash so venomous you could literally FEEL Reeve's pain!
Rex: Just like Bill Clinton!
Wes: Reeve falls to the floor, and Stevens goes for the cover... but gets only a two. Stevens rains stomps down upon Reeve's chest and face, before pulling "The Show" up, grabbing him by the arms in a full nelson... and the Snake hits a picture perfect Full Nelson Slam! And finishes off with a HUGE double, pointed-elbow drop! Stevens goes for the pin...
Ref: 1...2... ... 2... ......... 2... ... 17?
Rex: ... That ref is defective.
Wes: Stevens has just been pissed off due to the referee's slow... or perhaps just stupid... count, and the Garter Snake has ripped the ref from off the floor and is backing him up toward the post... Reeve sneaks up behind and... LOW BLOW! Now that's not right!
Rex: Well what about Stevens belittling the ref?!
Wes: He's a REBEL! Which means he's a face, so he can break the rules if he wants to, so N'YAH!
Rex: Hmph...
Wes: Reeve goes for a pin on Stevens, who's clutching his Snake...
Rex: Heheh... innuendo.
Wes: Reeve gets the two count. He then reaches underneath the ring and grabs a chair...
Rex: MAN there's been alot of 'chairs' tonight... steel chairs, Chairmen... Sonny and Chair.
Wes: That last one... not your best material.
Rex: Ya think? Huh... well, I think I've been hitting them out of the park all night... one foul should go unnoticed, right?
Wes: Just like everything ELSE you've ever done.
Rex: Grr...
Wes: Reeve drops the chair beside the prone Stevens... before pulling a table from out beneath the ring! Reeve slides the table into the ring, and rolls Stevens in afterward. He then grabs the chair and heads inside... Reeve is unloading on Austin Stevens!!!
Rex: This man is simply ripping Stevens apart! I'm SO glad the mWo has arrived, there's never been a band of guys that could put Stevens in his place like these men have tonight!
Wes: But John Semen is still standing ringside, keeping a look out for any possible interference by the likes of Axl or Mac. Meanwhile, Reeve raises the chair above himself and is about to drive the killing blow into Stevens' already sore back... but wait a minute! Axl has run down the ramp and into the ring, past Semen... Semen's up on the apron, yelling for Axl to get out... Axl is... he's standing in front of Reeve, asking for him to drop the chair?! What's going on here?
Rex: Axl puts out his hands, trying to calm down Reeve... what the hell does he need to "calm down" for, he's about to put away Stevens!
Wes: Wait... Axl backs up toward the ring ropes... and he quickly turns around and socks Semen! John falls back-first onto the apron, and Axl rolls Semen into the ring... before lifting him up... and DROPPING him back down with his patented 'Evil-Lution' spinning cross powerbomb, akin to a spinning variation of the 'Razor's Edge'!
Rex: YES! Now it's 2 on 1, and baby, me likey those odds!
Wes: Of course you do... With Semen disposed of, Reeve and Axl are entirely free to do whatever they want, as has been the case all night since Mac took control of this e-promotion... The Coming Outsiders have certainly left their mark on this event.
Rex: Axe and Reeve raise up Stevens... and DROP him with the 3D variant, which I'm being told... repeatedly... is called the "True Believer Drop", or 'TBD'.
Wes: The ComingOutsiders hit the TBD, and Stevens is on a one way trip into a deep, deep coma... Axl rolls out of the ring, leaving Reeve to finish the job. Reeve is loading Stevens up for his finishing maneuvre, the "Finale'", a modifed vertebreaker...
Rex: As always kiddies, modified in NAME alone...
Wes: But Stevens leans into it, and actually flips Reeve into position for his OWN vertebreaker!!!
Rex: What's he call that, the "DUI"? Because something tells me that would be VERY fitting, and I'm not just talkin' 'bout Stevens...
Wes: Reeve is dangling and waggling about to break free... but Stevens HITS IT! And Reeve's neck is damn near snapped in half!
Rex: Poor Tygress.
Wes: Huh?
Rex: Nothin'...
Wes: Stevens goes for the pin... but AGAIN, it's just a two. Stevens backs up a bit, and Reeve slowly reaches a standing position... Stevens rushes in, and Reeve and Stevens are now trading lefts and rights... Stevens sends Reeve into the ropes... Reeve goes for a Diamond Cutter on the return, but Austin turns it around into a backslide pin! And Stevens picks up the one... the two... and the thre-NO! This match is STILL alive!
Rex: And I can NOT Believe I'm saying this... but I'm actually happy about that. ... God, hell must have frozen over...
Wes: Reeve stands, but as soon as he does, Stevens soars through the sky... pouncing upon the "Show" with a Lou Thesz press, driving the knuckles into the skull of Gordon.
Rex: Stevens is going off on Reeve like... like... like a rabid monkey or something!
Wes: Rabid monkey or no, Stevens is up... he pulls Reeve to his feet, and whips him into the corner... before heading toward the opposite side... Stevens runs toward Reeve, and drives a BIG boot into Reeve's head, with the sound of leather sole meeting flesh reverberating across the arena. He comes out of the corner, with a side headlock on Reeve, and hits a running bulldog.
Rex: Stevens lifts up Reeve... I'm STILL backing Reeve, even if Austin IS putting on a good display here. ... The fact that Reeve's leader signs my paychecks now has NOTHING to do with that decision...
Wes: Riiight.
Rex: -_-
Wes: Austin is delievering the rights and lefts to the mush of the man they call Reeve, who is struggling to grab the ropes. Reeve finally manages to throw his arms around the bottom rope, and the ref breaks up the barrage of fists. Stevens climbs the corner post... I'm not so certain if this is a wise decision on the part of the Garter Snake...
Rex: But it's a wise decision as far as I'M concerned! Cuz I want the sorry bastard to lose! ... BADLY! GO REEVE!
Wes: Reeve stands up, and Stevens soars through the air, going for a flying clothesline... but Reeve manages to snatch -
Rex: HAHAHA! GOD I love that word...
Wes: - Austin from the air, and drive the man down with a bit of an arm bar drop... floating over into a cross face!
Rex: Next thing ya know he'll be going after little kids with pillows.
Wes: REX!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rex: Hey, that was a reference to the 10,000 Pillows Match earlier, not... oh fuck it. I ain't ashamed.
Wes: That's nothing new... Stevens is reaching for the rope, but Reeve is shoving it away with his boot. Stevens lands a thumb to Reeve's eye, and manages to make it back up... Reeve holds his eyes, and, not being able to see anything, stumbles right into a -
BJ: DRUNK ASS DROP! DRUNK ASS DROP! DRUNK ASS DROP, BAH GAWD!
Wes: No... I was going to say dropkick.
BJ: ... Oh.
Rex: Hold yer damn horses, Ben, we'll cue you when we're ready for your fat ass...
Good ol' Ben Joss: GIT 'R' DUNNN!
Wes: ...
Rex: Hey, you think 'The Writer' might be referencing someone when he uses the name 'Ben'?
Wes: No, why would he?
Rex: Well, there's only a certain lineage of people that hold the name 'Ben'! It's a VERY cherished name!
Wes: ... No it's not. Ben Stiller ring any bells?
Rex: ... Oh. Well there goes that theory...
Wes: Anyway, Stevens collapsed right after nailing the dropkick, so he can't follow up with a cover. Reeve is ALREADY climbing to his feet, with Stevens barely moving.
Rex: Reeve heads over to the fallen drunkard and reaches down... but Drunk Ass rolls him up! He was playing possum all along!
Wes: The ref counts the two, but no three. Drunky stands up and gives the ref an evil look, but decides not to bother with him, and leaves his focus on the mWo-ite, who he whips into the ropes. Once Reeve returns, Drunky leapfrogs over... and pulls off a sunset flip pin, which gets only a two. Drunk Ass pulls Reeve to a vertical base, before hitting a quick snap suplex, and floating over for the pin, which earns him another two count. Reeve is putting up just as much a fight as Austin, and definitely isn't going to go down like all the others Stevens has been stacked up against.
Rex: And that's why I think Austin has a tough, uphill battle ahead of him still.
Wes: He very well may...
Rex: Stevens grabs Reeve by his hair, and pulls him up, but just as he does, Reeve slaps Stevens across the chest vicously with a vile knife-edge chop! Reeve backs up a few steps... and runs in toward Stevens, gore-ing him to the mat. The two roll to the outside, trading fists the entire way... Wait, someone's coming through the audience... it's Krystal Dawn!
Wes: She's finally back in the Hell Hole after taking that pay out from Semen... and she's bought some skull ear-rings.
Rex: Diamond-ey. Krystal is setting up the table that Reeve slid in a little while ago. Krys rests the table against the top turnbuckle, and grabs the chair... before tossing it outside to Reeve, who grabs it and brings it smashing down over the skull of Stevens! Stevens falls backward, leaning against the apron. Reeve drops the chair and rolls Drunky into the ring... Krystal lifts Drunk Ass and and holds him in front of the table... Reeve heads to the opposite corner... before-
*CRUNCH*
Rex: GORE! GORE! GORRRE!!! OH HELL YEAH! ... to quote some bald Texan.
Wes: Austin has just been driven through the table... Reeve goes for pin...
Rex: He gets the one, two... fourteen... eleventy-five? ... THREE!
Wes: You just SHOUTED three... the ref didn't count it!
Rex: Well hell, that retarded ref is NEVER going to get there...
Wes: And he doesn't, atleast not this time, as Stevens kicks out just in the nick of time!
Rex: In the nick of time?! The ref coulda counted to 100 by now! Literally! I actually counted it to myself, in my head, and he SERIOUSLY coulda gotten to one hundred, if the guy actually knew HOW to!
Wes: No matter what, Reeve is beginning to fume...
Rex: So am I! ... Again!
Wes: Reeve lifts Stevens, and tries to load him up for the 'Finale' once again... but Stevens spins "The Show" around, going for the Drunk Ass Drop... but Reeve pushes Stevens away... the two stare eachother down, and the audience is ACTUALLY cheering!
Rex: Now THAT is a fuckin' first! I honestly never thought I'd hear that at a WSE show... it's so... foreign. I think I might actually be enjoying a WSE show for once. ... Now I KNOW hell's frozen over... because it's cold as FUCK in here!
Wes: Yes sports fans, the Hell Hole is a popsicle, and Austin Stevens vs Reeve Gordon is ELECTRIC! This may just be the greatest moment in WSE history! I can only say this, sports fans -
|ads|
Wes: And Austin Stevens has done it! Austin Stevens has advanced to the tournament final!
Rex: The fuck... GODDAMIT!!! DAMN IT TO FUCKING HELL! We were SO fucking close to actually having a GOOD match and the FUCKING |ads| had to ruin it! DAMN YOU |ads|! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!! And dammit it more, because my man lost!!! I call shenanigans!!!!!!!!!!~!
Wes: Well, for those who missed it, here's a replay of the final moments of that SPECTACULAR bout, caught after the momentous stare down between those two gladiators!
Rex: Thank goodness, maybe -
|ads|
Rex: FUCK!!!
Howard Fecal: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is the second semi-final match in the Xtrmkor Trnmint...
Rex: Now THERE's a name for a tourney...
Fecal: ... and will determine the opponent to "Drunk Ass", Austin Stevens in the FINALS... where we will declare a new, undisputed Xtrmkor champion!
Rex: Well, my attention span is about to flatline, once again...
Fecal: First, introducing, already in the ring, the special guest ref for this match... David Arquette!
Rex: Annnd... there it goes.
Fecal: And the first participant, also already in the ring... WSE's Official Ambassador to DisneyWorld... Nickey Mowse!
Rex: And my interest has just mandatorily been piqued again, as decreed by the Disney Corporation!
Wes: Wow... you're all kinds of a sell-out, aren't you Rex?
Rex: ... Yes.
Fecal: And introducing his opponent...he hails from RIGHT HERE, in Nowhere, Oklahoma!
Fans: Booo!
Rex: Hey! Who boo's the hometown kid?! Isn't that supposed to be an INSTANT pop generator, even for jobbers?!
Wes: Rex, face it... the only "kids" from Nowhere in WSE are the mWo. So, let's weigh this shall we... guys that just so happen to be born in the same area of the map as you... or do they just call these guys the complete and total assholes they are? ... I choose the latter.
Rex: Well ANYWAY... Axl strolls down, wearing the now WORLD FAMOUS mWo hot pink and white!
Wes: I really don't think -
Rex: WORLD FAMOUS!!!
Wes: ... How rude.
Howard Fecal: And finally, it's time for the OTHER special referee, everybody's FAVORITE next door neighbor... please give it up... for Steven... Q... URRRKKKLLLEEE!!!~!
[Almost as soon as these words leave Fecal's mouth, "Ride of the Valkyries" begins to play... before the sound of a record scratching is heard, and the music is replaced by the sounds of War's "LowRider". Urkle comes through the curtains... driving, of course, a lowrider.]
Rex: ... Seriously, what the FUCK?
Urkle [screaming throughout the arena]: DID I DO THAAAATTT!!!
Wes: ... Now even I'm dumbfounded.
Rex: Aren't you always?
Wes: That's what she said!
Rex: ...
[Urkle stops the vehicle, and begins to kick in the hydraulics. The car's back wheels begin to bounce up and down off the floor a few times... each time, the bounce becoming higher and higher... until - ]
Rex: HOLY -
*CRASH!*
Rex: Holy HELL! ... YES! Urkle just sent that low-low flying over and ontop of Arquette! Now BOTH of the worst plagues upon mankind are DEAD! THERE IS A GOD, AND HIS NAME IS MAC BRY!
Wes: What the hell does he have to do with this?
Rex: ... He brought Urkle and Arquette here!
Wes: And you think he INTENDED for Urkle to kill them both?
Rex: ... Of COURSE! Because he's a GENIUS!
Wes: Yes. A genius that wishes to be sued until he bleeds.
Rex: ... Yeah! It's the american dream! If you will!
Wes: Ugh...
Rex: So... you sure Urkle and Arquette are dead?
Wes: ... Uh... Yup. ... Probably.
Rex: 2 Sweet.
Mac [iMAC screen] : You're damn RIGHT I'm a genius! And damn fine looking as well!
Rex: It's our glorious leader! Hail THE Ma-
Mac: Cram it!
Rex: Yes sir!
Mac: Now... at first, I was pretty sure I would be forced to push Mowse on in this match, even against my own man... but then, I get word from a Disney higher-up... that since I already let their nut job win the FIRST match... this one can be as big a fuckin' squash as I want. They let me know that, although they are the company "Where Magic Happens"... they're not miracle workers. Mowse... you're not going to make it far in this company without following a few simple rules. And rule numero uno? DON'T CROSS THE BOSS. And as soon as Hoff left... and I entered? A new boss stepped into town. And I'm gonna make DAMN sure that some rat that fucks with MY talent... talent like Major Mario... is gonna pay... and they're gonna pay till they're buried six feet deep.
Mac: Mowse... say hello to Uncle Walt for me.
Wes: He didn't just...
Mac: Oh yes... I most certainly did.
Mac: And furthermore... I have decided... that Axl will have a substitution for this contest!
Wes: A SUBSTITUTION?! Mac is bending the rules every which way but Sunday!
Mac: Sunday is not a direction!
Wes: ... Alrighty then.
Mac: And Axl's substitution will be...
[Suddenly, "Mucha Lucha" by Chicos De Barrio hits, and everybody's LEAST favorite "luchadore" walks out... the fat, white-skinned-but-supposedly-Mexican, McGreasy's cravin', high-not-so-much-flyin', wheelin' dealin', kiss stealin' son of a BITCH... Mr. E!]
Rex: Oh CRAP! And what could have been a jawesomely rad Axl match has turned into... a Mr. E match. Great... just what we needed after bailing on the Stevens/Gordon finish...
Wes: Well, look at the bright side.
Rex: ... Which is?
Wes: Gimme a sec... Ok, no, sorry, there isn't one...
Rex: 2010 is so gonna suck.
Mac: And the NEW special ref... since both Urkle and Arquette are dead... Axl!
Rex: YES! Alright, THE Mac just hooked me again! Dammit, this guy knows just how to rub a guy the RIGHT way!
Mac: Try telling that to Ty...
Rex: Bo?
Mac: Nevermind... I'm outtie.
Wes: Nickey Mowse is ready for a fight!
Rex: E better get the job done, that's all I can say.
Wes: Come on, Axl's the damn REF! If E wins here, then AXL's the one who goes on to the tournament finals! You REALLY don't see the conclusion of this match?
Rex: ... Totally perplexed!
Wes: Oy vey...
Rex: E climbs into the ring, and I think that's the first time I've seen a 'luchadore' get into the ring by climbing over the top rope...
Wes: Mowse doesn't stand a chance, here! Not only is E a powerful StupidStar... albeit the fact he has a beer gut that reminds one of a pregnant pig... , but the ref is in his back pocket! Hell, the "ref" is in this ENTIRELY for himself!
Rex: Mowse is standing on one side of the ring, E on the other, and Referee Axl stands between the both of them. And as Mowse walks up to E, pounding a fist against his own chest in a show of pride, E simply shoves Mowse away like he was a child! HA! Chump...
Wes: And Axl is just enjoying every damn bit of this display, isn't he?
Rex: Of course! After this match, it's him vs Austin Stevens, and that Xtrmkor title is coming home to THE Mac's World Order!!!
Wes: Irregardless, Axl has just signalled for the bell, and as soon as it sounds, E rushes toward Mowse with what looks to be a simply massive clothesline... but Mowse ducks under... he springboards off the ropes, and as E turns around, Nickey goes for a cross-body...
Rex: Thank GOD, E. catches the little monkey!
Wes: I thought you liked Mowse?
Rex: Ooooo, let's WEIGHT THIS shall?! The guy that signs my PAY CHECK, or a faceless corporation that keeps the show on a channel that sucks seven sorts of sea weed? Hmmm... I CHOOSE THE LATTER!!!~!
Wes: Aww, sit on it... Anyhell, E hits a Fallaway Slam... almost killing Mowse in the process... E seriously doesn't know how to work.
Rex: Says YOU, Mr. Commentary Person... Guy!
Wes: Now it looks like E's going for... The Three Amigos?
Rex: That's his move!
Wes: No it's not!
Rex: That's not his move!
Wes: E then kicks Mowse in the gut, doubling the poor dummy over.
Rex: E tosses Mowse between his knees, picks him up, and plants him into the canvas with a massive powerbomb!
Wes: Sloppy...
Rex: BUT EFFECTIVE! Grr...
Wes: Just as E picks up Mowse, "The Rated G StupidStar" hits a very nice enziguri, sending E tumbling backwards... and out through the ropes, slamming hard to the outside! E might already be out of it, as winded as he ALREADY is!
Rex: I wouldn't lead my horses before they've hatched!
Wes: ... Jigga-wha'?
Rex: Mowse bounces off the set of ropes farthest from E's position out on the floor... Mowse comes running toward E's side, springboards off the top rope with a shooting star press, but E manages to catch him over his shoulder, he turns around and... Snake eyes on the apron! Mowse's head rattles hard against the side of the ring... E rolls Mowse back in under the bottom rope, and climbs onto the apron. Mowse finally stands up, turns around... wait... E seems to be trying to leap onto the top rope...
Wes: What the hell is he doing?
Rex: Isn't it... obvious? ... He's going for his signature West Coast Pop! ... Duh!
Wes: Oh, silly me... E uses all his agility to jump onto the top rope, but as he does, he tangles up with the top rope, trips, and falls to the mat. ... Tell me again why he tried that?
Rex: Wes, don't you DARE quesion the mWo's grand plans! E knew what he was doing! He's trying to throw Mowse off, that's all. Trying to... give him a false sense of security... I hope...
Wes: Mowse rolls E over, goes for the pin... but E tosses Mowse off, sending him all the way over Ref Axl, and rolling across the canvas to the other side of the ring. Mowse hooks E by his mouse ears, pulls him to a vertical base, whips him across the ring, and on his way back, E brings Mowse down lying over the middle rope with a drop-toe-hold. E lifts a finger into the air... what is he going for now?
Rex: His move! The move that's going to put Mowse away for good! The C19...H2802.
Wes: ... What in the hell is THAT?
Rex: The chemical formula for testosterone.
Wes: ... Wow. ... Anyway, E runs toward Mowse, still draped over the middle rope... He goes to swing through - ... I said, he goes to swing through - ... Well, he TRIES to swing through the ropes anyway... All he really seems to be doing is running toward the ropes, stopping, and then throwing a fit and kicking at the ropes and pulling on them like a rabid chiauaua. Why doesn't he understand the fact that he's NOT a luchadore? He's a friggin' fat sack a shit is what the devil he is! The only way he's getting through those ropes is if he... welp, there ya go...
Rex: Dammit, the big bull-headed oaf just fell through the damn ropes! And now Mowse has gotten back up and he's heading up top! SON-OF-A-BITCH, he just hit the 780 Flip With a Cherry on Top! E's shaking violently from the impact... Dammit, Reeve, or Mac, or Krystal, or SOMEbody's gotta do SOMETHING!!!
[Referee Axl begins a count out!]
Wes: Hey, I thought Mac said no count outs from now on?!
Rex: He implicitly stated "unless noted OTHERWISE"!
Wes: ... Where was it noted this match adhered the count out rule?
Rex: ... It's inherent!
Wes: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?!
[Both men on the outside try to struggle and get up... Mowse is first to his feet... but Axl hits the baseball slide to Mowse's face, sending him clattering backward against the Icelandic Announce Table.]
Rex: We have an ICELANDIC Announce Table?
[Axl motions for Mr. E to hurry up and get inside...]
Wes: This is horrendous! This CAN'T be allowed in a WRESTLING match!
Rex: Again... not wrestling, E-Sports Entertainment! How many times MUST we go over this...
Wes: Axl's gotten to the damndable eight... the nine... Mr. E is IN and god DAMN IT Axl counts the ten and signals for the bell! That dick is raising Mr. E's hand!
Mr. E: Do I get my donut now?
Axl: Just smile and wave at the people, we'll talk after the show!
Wes: This is just... DAMMIT! That wretched mWo doesn't deserve to EXIST!
Rex: Yes it DOES! And afters the ads, they're proving WHY! It'll be Drunk Ass... vs AXL, with the Xtrmkor title on the LINE!
Wes: And you need to stop ending every sentence with a word in all CAPS~!!!
Rex: YOU DIE NOW~!!!1a
Wes: And here's some -
|ads|
Howard Fecal: LLLLLLLLLLLLadies and GENTLEMEN... the following contest is scheduled for one fall... and is for the Xtrmkor 24/7 TITLE!!!
Wes Rivers: Welcome back sports fans, and boy howdy do we have a double main event for YOU!
Rex Winters: I sure as hell hope so...
Fecal: Introducing first, hailing from Hicksville, Arkansas... he IS the Arkansas Garter Snake, the Cryogenic Cousin Fucker, and the former TWO-TIME, TWO-TIME Xtrmkor Champion... "Drunk Ass" ... Austin ... STEVEEENNNSSS~!!!1a
[Glass shatters, "Whiskey Hangover" hits, and out comes the Hillbilly Cyborg himself, the WSE Original, Austin Stevens!]
Rex: Stevens is going DOWN, you can bet your ass on that! The mWo SHALL PREVAIL~!!!
Wes: Never count a good hick out, Rexxy.
Rex: Don't you EVER call me that again. >:^(
Wes: Austin is stomping down the ramp, the fans here at the Hell Hole patting him on the back and cheering him on for this war against the mWo. And Rex, you gotta admit, the mWo has proven tonight, that when you mess with one... you get them ALL.
Rex: All for one, two for a dollar as they say.
Wes: They say that?
Rex: ... Maybe? But HEY! What's that sound!
Wes: Ugh... normally, I'd love this song, but...
Rex: It's "Back in Black", and you know what THAT means.
[The lights flash black and white, AC/DC blares over the speakers, and static fills the iMAC screen, as the fans' cheers turn into rauceous jeers... THE Mac mosies out, followed by "The Show", Reeve Gordon, and they stop, turn around, and motion for their buddy to make his entrance... Suddenly, the lights change to wild, multiple hues, and Guns 'N' Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle" hits... as Axl VanHalen leaps through the curtains, in tattered jeans, no shirt, showing off his toned, chiseled abs, glistening with sweat... He wears a hot pink scarf around his neck, studded straps around his wrists, a spiked collar around his throat, his hair long, flowing, and luxurious... No shoes, and a pair of high-dollar, VERY expensive ray-ban sunglasses. That are hot pink. ...]
Rex: The Coming Outsiders are NOT GAY!!!
Wes: Never said they were...
Rex: You were thinking it!
Wes: ... Anyway sports fans, Axl is strutting down to the ring -
Rex: NOT gay!
Wes: Of course not... and Axl gingerly gets into the ring.
Rex: >:^(
Wes: Oh calm down, Rex... "The Axe Man" plays a bit of air guitar and -
BJ: DRUNK ASS DROP! DRUNK ASS DROP! BAH GAWD -
*BANG!*
Rex: Bulls eye!
Wes: Thank you REX! That was needed.
Rex: No problemo.
BJ: Buh... buh... barbee cue... ... saushhh *gasp, choke, croak*
Rex: Unfortunately, Axl HAS already been laid out by the Drop... this couldn't POSSIBLY be it... could it???
Wes: Drunk Ass gets the one... the two... but NOT the three!
Rex: YES!
Wes: But wait a DAMN minute! Now Reeve and Mac are climbing into the ring... and Mac's shoved the ref out of the ring, grabbing the man's shirt right from off his back... and now Mac's obviously instated himself as the referee!
Rex: Even BETTER! How does Mac ALWAYS make the right decisions.
Wes: Ugh... Reeve and Mac both grab Stevens by an arm, leaving him prone for multiple shots to the chest from Axl's right fist. Reeve and Mac toss Stevens to the ground... wait a minute, it's... it's Goo the Adventurer, the 16 year old Warrior!!! He's another member of WSE that's stuck through since the birth a year ago. Goo is charging down the ramp, carrying a chair! Goo roars into the ring, swinging wildly, as Axl, Reeve, and Mac scatter like roaches! Goo rolls out of the ring to give chase, but as soon as he does, he receives an instantaneous clothesline from Mac's girlfriend, Krystal Dawn! DAMMIT!
Rex: No matter WHAT, there will ALWAYS be an mWo member there to protect the others!
Wes: And that's what both scares me, AND pisses me off SO much about these people! It's bad enough their leader has taken over the company, now they can pretty much do whatever it is they want to, at whatever time they wish to do it!
Rex: Kill the bastard! Keep him from helping that drunken idiot! Goo can NOT interfere in this match!
Wes: Oh, but the mWo have every RIGHT, don't they?!
Rex: Of course. They're in charge, and you're just large... ya FATTY!
Wes: Hey, I am not fat! I'm actually quite bony...
Rex: You just keep thinking that, tub-a-fun.
Wes: ... You really think I'm fat?
Rex: HAHA! You're so gullible.
Wes: ... You're a jerk, ya know that Rex?
Rex: THE mWo is tearing Goo apart, Krystal's even using Goo's own chair against him. This is great! Wait a minute, Stevens is stirring back inside the ring... Reeve slides into the ring, and tries for a flying forearm shot... but Stevens ducks under... the "Show" turns around and traps Stevens in a headlock! The most dreaded submission hold in the history of the game! Choke him out, Reeve!
Wes: Well, I dunno about "most dreaded"... but it's most certainly working at this point in time. Stevens is becoming limp... Reeve throws Austin to the canvas, and Axl slides in... a cover, and Mac counts the fall as fast as possible, of course... but Stevens STILL manages to get the shoulder up! As soon as Austin is back up, Axl's right there with a running shoulder tackle... which connects, knocking Austin Stevens for a loop. The Hicksville native stumbles out of the ring through the top and middle ropes and crashes to the floor outside...
Rex: Stevens slowly stirs... he pants a bit, crouched on all fours... he looks like a -
Boom Boom Quaker: SCALDED DAWG!!!
Rex: Oh dear GOD no!!! Ya get rid ah one of 'em... Next we'll be having "Good Ol'" Slobbert Knockovich banging on the arena door...
BBQ: Y'all wanna sample o' my bran' new, tantalizin', "Mouse Droppin's and Cat HairBall Barbee-Cue-Shaush"?! It's ONLY one hun'erd 'n' seven'y five dollars!!!
Rex: ... SECURITY~!!!
[Two big, burly men begin to drag BBQ away from the desk...]
BBQ: SALES ARE LIMITED, SO BUY YERS TOOO-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY~!!!1a2
Rex: Oh brother...
Wes: Drunky finally stands... turns around... Spinning Arm Drag! Axl just sent Stevens flying with that maneuvre! But he kicks right back up... Mac runs toward Stevens... who leapfrogs over the oncoming Chairman!
Rex: DAMMIT! Was hoping Mac would unleash the MAC ATTACK!
Wes: What's that?
Rex: I dunno, just sounded like a catchy name for a finisher.
Wes: Sounds... generic.
Rex: Well, catchy as in "easy to come up with when you really don't give a flyin' fuck"
Wes: Stevens leaps over THE Boss, Mac spins around quickly and lowers to the canvas... crouching... waiting to strike with his patented DKO.
Rex: DKO?
Wes: The D stands for DICK! As in, Mac is one giant -
Rex: ALRIGHT! Ass breath...
Wes: Stevens turns around and Mac goes for the move... but Austin drops Mac backward with a back suplex... and now REEVE is coming for the Garter Snake!
Rex: See, what did I tell ya? TEAM WORK!
Wes: Yeah, or as I like to refer to it as, a totally unfair, unscrupulous 4 on 1 beat down. Yeah, that about pegs it, don'tcha think?
Rex: Raza-frackin'... Reeve goes for a clothesline, but Stevens leaps into the air... he grabs Reeve by the head, and drops him CRASHING down with a spike ddt!!! This is NOT looking good...
Wes: That's if your one of the mWo's so-called "True Believers"... or, just a suck up to the Chairman.
Rex: Awww, put a cork in it! Stevens heads up top with Reeve sprawled out across the arena floor... Stevens raises the two thumbs up... and flies OFF! What a DUMB ASS! Stevens is no high flyer!
Wes: Oh? But the flying elbow CONNECTS!!! How bout THEM apples, REXXY-BOY!
Rex: I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!
Wes: Heheh... Stevens is now coming back for Axl, who he SHOULD be having a one-on-one match with, but because of the damn mWo has to worry about an attack from every corner... but here comes John Semen! And Goo the Adventurer has finally returned to his senses! And here comes the "l33t hAXor", Viruz, another WSE Original!
Rex: Dammit, the cavalry's arrived... this is unfair!
Wes: ... Wait, so actually EVENING the odds is unfair to you?!
Rex: Well, it damn sure isn't sports entertainy! These matches are always supposed to end up in group beat-downs! That's how the nWo rolled, it's how the mWo rolls NOW!
Wes: Semen is in with a chain wrapped around his fist, Goo's got the chair, Viruz wields his trusty laptop, and Stevens is leading the charge with balled up hands of fury, ready to commence with the beat down!
Rex: But the mWo is playing it SMART... on the outside of the ring, smartly huddled around eachother, discussing strategery!
Wes: Strategery?
Rex: It's a word! Look it up!
Wes: You've been reading Wiktionary again... haven't you?
Rex: ... Yes.
Wes: Semen isn't going to wait, and is bringing the chain with him outside, as the mWo pounces... but Goo and Vi follow John out, and now Axl is coming IN! With the two teams of three duking it out on the outside, Stevens and Axl are FINALLY alone on the inside!
Rex: And Axl's found a black baseball bat while on the outside! YES! Axl is absolutely taking it to Stevens with that bat, and shows no sign of letting up!
Wes: Stevens falls to all fours, and Axl sends shot after shot to Austin's sides... VanHalen is causing Stevens to roll around in pain from every blow. Axl raises the bat high into the air, and brings it down full force... but Austin somehow manages to reach out and clutch the bat as it comes speeding toward his head! Austin uses the bat to pull himself up to his feet... and with Stevens grabbing one end of the bat, Axl still gripping the other, Stevens pulls Axl in... and BLASTS him with a clothesline, sending the Hair Metal enthusiast spinning in the air before crashing down to the mat.
Rex: Stevens backs up a bit, and crouches down, waving for the fallen Axl to stand. Axl slowly gets up, using the rope for assistance... He gets up and turns toward Austin -
*CRUNCH*
Rex: God DAMMIT!
Wes: HA! Simply BRUTAL bat shot to Axl, exploding the damn thing into bits and pieces of wood! The ring is a sea of splinters, and I'm lovin' it!
Rex: Ha, yeah, REEAALL good one... McDonald's Man! >:^(
Wes: Austin drops the broken bat handle, before running toward the ropes... He comes off, runs toward Axl, and leaps into the air, and drops the double pointed-elbow drop square to the heart of that evil, evil little man! Axl shakes violently from the impact, and rolls out under the bottom rope, splatting against the outside pavement.
Rex: Hold on! It's... it's Redd W. Bloo? Dammit, another WSE Original! The bastard's probably going to make things even WORSE for the mWo!
Wes: Well, I've gotta tell you, they absolutely deserve it after everything they've done tonight! Redd, wearing the red white and blue attire he's become known for here, walks slowly down the ramp... As those following WSE know, Redd won the Xtrmkor title at the "Great American BackLash at the Beach", back in October, but has been stripped tonight by our new Chairman, THE Mac Bry. So that adds even MORE fuel to Redd's lending to the WSE Original's cause!
Rex: This is idiot BETTER do what's best for him, and stay the HELL away from the ring, before...
[Redd rolls into the ring, and just as Drunk Ass is about to load Axl up for the killing blow, Bloo pats Drunky on the shoulder and whispers something in his ear...]
Wes: I think... yes! He wants to hit the Old Glory on that bastard, Axl! The POWERFUL clothesline from hell!
Rex: Meh! MEH I SAY!
Wes: Drunky obliges, and Redd backs up a bit, with the dazed and confused Axl stumbling around as if he doesn't even know where the hell he is...
Rex: ... YES!!! THANK... YOU!
Wes: Oh HELL! What did he just do that for?!
Rex: I told you, Wes, this is e-sports entertainment! There's ALWAYS a swerve in the mix!
Wes: GODDAMIT! Redd W. Bloo has spun around and leveled Drunk Ass with the Old Glory clothesline! This is the blackest day in WSE history, sports fans!
Rex: Hey, just like you told me Wes, calm down! You're gonna give yourself a coronary!!!
Wes: But Austin almost had this WON, it was more than obvious, and now Redd W. Bloo has turned his back on this company's one year legacy, to... what, does this mean he's actually JOINED the mWo?!
Rex: I suuure HOPE so!
Wes: *smacks forehead* This is just NOT right...
Rex: And folks, it's ACADEMIC... Axl goes for the pinfall, Redd taunts the fans, and Mac counts... one, two, and buddy boy, that's a thre-
...
Rex: DAMMIT!!!
Wes: YES!!! Austin Stevens has kicked out at the VERY last second! But Axl immediately mounts the Snake and begins driving his right and left fists into Austin's mush.
Rex: It's STILL just a matter of time... I can FEEL it...
Wes: Axl continues to crush Austin's face under his knuckles, before finally sending one last fist to the face... which Stevens blocks with his hands!
Rex: Hands? Why not his HEAD! Woulda been a much softer body part...
Wes: Ya know, you're a regular laugh riot, Rexxy...
Rex: Glad SOMEONE besides me has realized this.
Wes: With the punch blocked, Austin returns the series of rights with a right of his own, directly to Axl's nose. Axl holds his nose... as a tiny drop of blood begins to trickle down.
Rex: I'm tellin' ya, I've got a FEELING Axl is gonna win this one, and take that strap come hell or high water. And I'm NEVER wrong!
Wes: Never?
Rex: Yup.
Wes: What about that time you said you could drink forty screwdrivers in a row, without vomiting?
Rex: Uh... can't remember. What happened?
Wes: You vomited.
Rex: Ohhh, yeah! Now I remember! And it was on you! And it was a nice new suit you had just bought with the only pay check you had gotten all year! And you were never able to remove the stain! And you were forced to toss the suit in the garbage! And it was the greatest mean, nasty, downright despicable thing I've ever done to you and laughed about it afterward EVER!
Wes: Well, anyway -
Rex: EVER~!1!
Wes: ... ANYWAY. Axl grabs ahold of his nose, as Stevens shoves the mWo-ite off. Axl stands to his feet, and takes a few steps back... Axl finally lets go of his nose... just as Austin comes in with a yakuza kick, to the nose, which sends Axl reeling backward. Axl's back slams into the turnbuckle post, and the Metal God drops to his ass, his nose now a bloody mess. Austin follows in, and begins laying in the boots... boot, boot, boot, BOOT... two thumbs up... and one more boot for good measure!
Rex: Aw, yeah, kick, kick, punch, is that ALL that redneck buffoon knows how to do?!
Wes: Axl drops to the side, holding his head in his hands. Stevens leaps onto the turnbuckle and lifts the double thumbs up, as the fans roar their approval!
Rex: Aw go home ya assholes!
Wes: Rex, if they go home, then they'll want their money back, and you want get paid for tonight's work.
Rex: THEY got paid! And I didn't get one red cent off this "night's work".
Wes: Oh... well, sucks to be you then. Cuz I just saved a buncha money by switching to GEICO!
Rex: Awww... I got nothin'.
Wes: With Austin on the turnbuckle, posing for the WSE Humanoidz, Axl reaches up and grabs onto the ropes beneath Stevens, using the leverage to pull himself up... Axl eventually gets to a crouched position, and grabs onto Austin's foot, but Stevens shoves Axl off with his boot... Axl stands, and Austin leaps from the turnbuckle... But this time, instead of landing the arial move, Axl brings Drunk Ass down with an inverted atomic drop!
Rex: Mac and Bloo are whispering to eachother now... Axl shoves Drunky... Mac trips Stevens, and Bloo lands an elbow drop to Austin's heart! "Drunk Ass" Austin Stevens' days are all but numbered!
Wes: Honestly, this match has gone back and forth... thanks to interference, but it's STILL been a great effort by both Austin AND Axl.
Rex: Mostly by Axl though.
Wes: Axl goes for the pin, and try as he might, Mac canNOT slap his hand to the mat fast enough for Austin to be fast counted out!
Rex: The five men and woman on the outside are STILL brawling, but are now beginning to disperse into the audience!
Wes: And it seems as if this is giving Mac an idea... Axl begins to put the boots to Austin, stomping him out of the ring... Axl follows, reaches under the ring, and pulls out... a kendo stick!
Rex: Or is it a singapore cane? Or maybe it's a Shinai? Who knows.
Wes: Axl walks over to the prone body of Stevens, holding the stick in his right hand. Axl uses his left hand to pull Austin up by the back of his neck... before bringing the kendo stick down across Steven' naked back!
Rex: Now THIS is a thing of beauty! Austin drops to a knee, SCREAMING in agony... gorgeous.
Wes: Axl follows up the first shot with another, sending Stevens to the ground. Axl wallops the Arkansas Garter Snake with shot after shot, before twirling the stick a little, and hopping around like a pro boxer... perhaps Sugar GAY Leonard!
Rex: Hey, leave the jokes to ME, Wes! And one last time... Reeve and Axl are NOT GAY! Ya mashugana...
Wes: Axl motions for Austin to stand back up... Axl could be looking to return the wicked bat shot he felt earlier at the hands of Stevens... Stevens finally makes it up, and turns around... Axl goes to swing the kendo stick, and...
Rex: DAMMIT! Viruz just yoinked the kendo stick from Axl's grip! And he just snapped the damn thing in two over his knee! He tosses the pieces aside, and now Goo and Semen are coming up at his sides... this is just... ARGH!
Wes: Axl backs out, and climbs over the fan barricade, into a mass of people who could very well want Axl and the rest of the mWo out of the company even more than the Originals do! Axl stares at one fan, and actually flips the guy off! Axl has got some nerve...
Rex: Meh, the guy got PAID to be here... I say he can either act as part of "the cast", or get the "F" out!!!
Wes: Ugh... Axl reels back a hand, as if he's going to slap the fan... When from out of nowhere, Stevens grabs the hand and spins Axl around! Stevens boots Axl in the gut, and DRUNK ASS DROP!
Rex: DAMMIT!
Wes: But Austin ISN'T going for the pin... he lifts Axl up, and hooks him by the arms... And now Stevens is screaming for the fan that Axl flipped off earlier to take a swing of his own!
Rex: HEY! That fan did NOT get paid to get involved with the action!
Wes: Weren't you JUST saying he should be a part of "the cast"?
Rex: That's ... That's NOT what I meant! I...
Wes: Irregardless, the fan obliges Drunky, as he gives Axl the very backhand slap that Axl threatened to dish out earlier on. Axl's head snaps to the right from the hit, Axl coughing up blood, as his previously busted open nose begins to pour out even more. Drunk Ass tosses Axl to the ground. Austin asks the same fan for his steel chair, and the fan once again obliges... Stevens lifts the chair above his head, before bringing it back down, crushing Axl's ribs. Stevens then props the chair open, and sets it over Axl's head... Drunk Ass sets down, and checks his inviso-watch, smiling to the fans!
Rex: That FUCKING inviso-watch!!!
Wes: Drunky looks to have gotten an idea... He stands back up, and walks up the bleachers where the fans are seated... The Snake turns around, and steadies himself... takes off in a sprint down the flight of bleachers, before trying to leap over the rail near Axl!!! My GOD what is he going for?! Austin has taken off in a leap of faith... but he just crashed and burned! He looked to land on Axl with the pointed-elbow drop, targeting the chair on top of Axl's prone skull, right above that concrete floor... but as soon as Austin went air borne, Axl nipped up in one fluid motion, grabbing the chair, and flinging it at Steven' head! The chair smacked Austin right in the face, sending him spiraling down... and landing stomach first on the steel rail!
Rex: Goddam that had to hurt! Jesus Christ I hope he's ok...
Wes: Wow, you're actually worried about someone besides yourself for once?
Rex: Well, of COURSE! I don't want the poor guy to DIE! Just because he's an inbred, cousin marrying, gap toothed, hillbilly, alligator wrestling, tobacco spitting, larry the cable guy loving -
Wes: Alright Rex, we get the point...
Rex: - backwoods, under educated, bottom of the food chain, roadkill eating, chicken fucking, lynyrd skynyrd listening, mullet wearing, country music playing... did I mention cousin marrying?
Wes: ENOUGH, REX! Sheesh... Annnyway, Axl is slowly crawling through the fans... he climbs over the steel barricade, back to ringside. Axl slides into the ring, and is lying on the canvas, gasping for breath. Stevens seems to be knocked out in the audience... after a few moments time, though, he begins to stir. He eventually pulls himself back up, thanks to the steel rail. Austin uses it to walk back toward the barricade... and as he walks, the fans pat him on the back. Quite a contrast to Axl's reception from the fans...
Rex: Oh... staple your mouth shut.
Wes: I most certainly will not!
Rex: *mubles something to self*
Wes: What was that?!
Rex: ANYWAY, Stevens finally makes it down to the barricade... he crawls across... and as he makes it over the steel fan guard, he flops down onto the concrete, clutching his stomach.
Wes: A few fans reach down and pat Austin on the arm, willing him on into the ring. Stevens pulls himself together, sucks it up, and stands up... he walks toward the ring, still grabbing at his gut. Stevens rolls into the ring under the bottom rope, but just as he does, Axl jumps into the air, and comes down with a huge splash, instantly knocking out every ounce of breath Stevens managed to suck in. Axl quickly goes for the pin, and Mac counts it even more quickly... but again, ONLY a two count!
Rex: Dammit, my feeling BETTER be right... Or I'll show it what's what!
Wes: *rolls eyes* Axl reaches down to pick up Austin... but gets speared instead! Stevens gores Axl from a crouching position, sending both men stumbling to the outside! On the outside, Axl and Austin roll around, trading fists... Stevens removes himself from the mWo-ite, and grabs the ring bell... As Axl slowly stands back up, Stevens goes to take a swing with the bell... but Axl ducks underneath. Stevens turns around, right into a Wild Side-kick! ... Which is AVOIDED! Austin Stevens rolls under the kick, before using his own leg to sidesweep Axl, sending him crashing to the floor, backfirst. Stevens grabs Axl by the hair, drags him over to our table, and... He's just draped Axl over the top of our desk!
Drunk Ass: Hey, Wes.
Wes: Hiya!
Rex: ... How about me?
Drunk Ass: Shut up.
Rex: Yes sir.
Drunk Ass: Now, ol' Drunk Ass, WHAT?!, I said Drunk Ass wants you, Wes, tah take yer dad gum chair an' just wind back and blow this number one, grade a, ah-hun'erd percent piece ah dookie flavored ASS cream intah next Monday, so's I can beat the holy livin' Jesus Dubbya Christ outta this milli-vanilli mouthed bastard NEXT week as well! Ya got me?
Wes: Whatever you say, Mr. Stevens!
Drunk Ass: NEH-EH! Dun' call a friend "mister"!
Wes: Oh... Austin?
Drunk Ass: NEH-EH~!!! Y'all can call me "MASTER Stevens", Jeeves!
Wes: ... Huh?
Drunk Ass: Oh, whoops! Ol' Drunk Ass is still as drunk as a skunk in a funk, and he STILL cain't see so good. He thought you was his butler!
Rex: ... You've got a butler?
Drunk Ass: I do?! WHAT?! I asked, I do?! That's pretty damn cool, I'mma tell ya what! An' DAT'S the bottom of the ninth... cuz muh momma say... it BE that way... SOMETIIIIME!
Wes / Rex : ...
Drunk Ass: Now, take that chair and blast this here sum-bitchin' jack-ass!
Wes: Did I ever tell you you were my favorite Stupid Star?
Rex: What about Goo? And Semen? And Viruz?
Wes: Uhhh... ok, make that a tie for my favorite Stupid Star! ... But it's a STRONG one fourth!
Drunk Ass: Just take the damn swing.
Wes: You don't have to ask ME twice!
Stevens: I already did.
Wes: Er... nevermind.
[Wes stands up, grabs his chair, and walks over to Axl, still slumped against the desk, being held down by Stevens. Wes pounds the steel upon the concrete... rears back... and SMASHES the chair into Axl's face. He does so with so much force that it causes Axl's mouth and nose to spew forth blood like lava from the mouth of an active volcano. Axl falls to his knees, his face a crimson kaleidescope of blood... Wes high fives Austin, before returning his chair to its spot behind the desk. Wes sits back down, and pulls his headset back on.]
Wes: WHOOHOO!!! Sports fans, I GOTTA tell ya... THAT was fun! Did you see Axl's face explode?! It was like a friggin' palmegranate in the hands of Arnold Shwarzenpheffer!!! It was GREAT!
Rex: Dammit Wes, why'dya have to be SUCH an ass kisser?! >:^(
Wes: Ha. Hello Pot, meet Mr. Kettle.
Rex: You SUCK!
Wes: Stevens slaps Axl across the face, sending blood flying... Austin hooks Axl in a front chancery... Stevens knees Axl in the gut, while he's still held in the front chancery. Stevens then raises Axl over head in vertical suplex position... before dropping Axl forward, with a sit-out move, which appears to be a variation of the Michinoku Driver.
Wes: He calls that the "Drunk Ass Driver of ASS WHOOP"!
Rex: ... Are you sure he calls it that?
Wes: Hey, he just got through letting me smack the taste out of Axl's mouth. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I name one or two of his moves. Or three...
Rex: Next, you'll probably be asking to be his manager.
Wes: Hey, the guy NEEDS a manager like me! Especially if he's willing to give me fifty percent of his earnings... ;^)
Rex: Ugh! Axl is desperately trying to stop the blood gushing from his nose and mouth... His face is no longer the handsome mug it was entering into this war. The cement pavement beside his face is covered in a pool of the red stuff. And dammit... my feeling is sadly starting to slip far, far away into the night.
Wes: Good! The mWo DOES need to slip far, far away!
Rex: Wait a minute... back toward the ring, it seems as if Mac is pulling out a table! And Bloo is helping him with it! The two of them bring the table over to our desk and set it up, with Reeve and Krystal following them, taking it to Stevens before he can intervene with Mac and Redd's table preperation... Mac then heads back to the ring, with Reeve, Krys, and the newly risen Axl stomping away on Stevens. Bloo fights with both Goo and Semen, and Viruz is a bloody mess over by the spot where the big brawl went down... Mac pulls out another table, and pulls it back over here... propping it up, with the legs of one end standing atop the first table, and the other set of legs standing atop our desk! Whatever Mac is looking to do, I hope it cripples Stevens once and for all! And I hope he can't get a prescription for Vicodin!!! Damn... hippie.
Wes: ... Hippie?
Rex: Oh yeah, I WENT there!
Wes: ... Alrighty then. Mac takes a ladder from near the entry way, props it up beside this mass of tables... and now he's beggining to drag Stevens toward the collection of wooden furniture... but Stevens fights it! Mac hits a snap ddt to the Snake, before pointing down to Austin, and then slowly dragging his thumb across his throat, signaling the oncoming demise of the WSE Original. Mac quickly hops up onto the middle rung of the ladder, before beginning his ascension, rung by rung... Stevens makes his way to his feet... to the ladder... and finally, to where Mac rests, and the two begin to trade rights and lefts...
Mac: Hey yo, I'll give you this right handed rookie card for your limited edition leftie!
Stevens: ... What right handed rookie card?
Mac: This'n... right... CH'ERE!
Wes: Mac does a crotch chop, before hooking his arms around Austin's head. He tries to lift Austin backward for the superplex through the tables... but Stevens is sending the rights to the gut... and...
*CRUNCH*
Rex: DAG NABBIT~!!!1a
Wes: Mac has just been sent fifteen feet through the air, and through THREE tables, including our announce desk!
Rex: DAMMIT!
Wes: You're upset about Austin getting the upperhand again?
Rex: No! That dick smashed Mac through our desk, and now my beer's all over the damn floor! I'll never get that beer back!
Wes: Judging from the looks of your beer belly, I'm sure you've had one too many as it is...
Rex: Aw, you wouldn't know. Your idea of a hard drink is a glass of water with no ice!
Wes: I'll have you know I don't use ice in ANY of my drinks!
Fans: HE'S HARDCORE! HE'S HARDCORE!
Rex: These fans remind me of TNA fans. Those iMPACT Zone wankers could watch Samoa Joe picking his nose in the middle of the ring and start chanting "THIS IS AWESOME!!!". It's pathetic, if you ask me.
Wes: Which I'm not. And on that note, Mac is laying near unconciousness right at our feet, with Stevens just now making it back up. It seems as if Axl, Reeve, Krys, and Bloo are whispering about the very same thing Bloo and Mac were talking about a while back...
Rex: It better be a GOOD idea because so far, nothing they've tried has kept this redneck BASTARD down...
Wes: Stevens makes it toward the four... Krystal and Bloo beg off, and after eyeing Stevens angrily, Reeve does as well... Stevens stares down Axl... Axl smiles...
[Reeve begins to sneak up from behind Stevens...]
Rex: YAHOO! BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HIM, REEVE! Beating up people from behind FOR THE WIN!!!
Austin: Hey, thanks for tipping me off, Rexxy! Ol' Drunk Ass thanks ya kindly!
Rex: ... Oh shit.
Wes: Drunk Ass swings around and boots Reeve in the gut, doubling him over... Austin loads up Reeve, and serves one more Drunk Ass Drop for the mWo!!!
Rex: Son of a BITCH! Me and my big friggin' mouth! This is... Dammit, that's it! I've gotta do something, or else that rat bastard is going to ACTUALLY win this tournament, the title, and defeat the mWo! And dammit... I just can't let that happen.
Wes: Oh Scotty, come on now! You know you're just jealous Stevens let me in on the action and the mWo's ignored you like that chick you asked out in catering!
Rex *shouting while walking toward Stevens* : NOT LISTENING!!!
Wes: Rex has dropped his headset, and he's heading toward the Austin... but Stevens senses it, spins around... and DRUNK ASS DROP!!! A wicked one at that! Rex instantly falls to the paved floor... Wow, I don't think he's going to be moving for a while after that... This is horrible!
[You're actually worried about Rex?]
Wes: Oh heck no, Narrator, it's not that. This means I'll probably be joined by some crummy, third string commentator like -
Good ol' Slobbert Knockovich: BAH GAWD BAH GAWD BAH GAWD BAH -
*gun shot*
[Wes shoves a hand gun back into his pocket.]
Wes: Three down, and that completes the set. Thank GOD... and it appears we're being joined now by the Chairman's girlfriend, Krystal Dawn. Good evening, Krys.
Krys: Good evening, Wessy-poo! Do you like my skull earrings?
Wes: Yes, they're quite lovely.
Krys: They match my tattoo. It's on my clit!
Wes: ... Ahem. At any rate, Stevens has taken out Mac, he's taken out Reeve, hell, he's even taken out my broadcast partner Rex!
Krys: Rex rhymes with SEX! Yum, yum, gimme some!
Wes: ... You're a very, very odd, but cute woman.
Krys: Thankies.
Wes: *sigh* Anyhow, Axl and Bloo are whispering, once more, and I think they're ready to throw the plan into action... Stevens is now headed for the both of them, with his sights set primarily on his opponent, the man he MUST defeat in order to reclaim his Xtrmkor title for a third time. Axl has headed through the curtains... wonder where he's going... Bloo boots Stevens in the stomach, and drags him by the neck toward the curtain! The Red, White, and Blue Warrior and the Hair Metal Hero could be taking the Cybernetic Hick anywhere in the building! It seems as though we've got a camera in the back. Let's see where the brawling trio are headed...
[The camera switches to the back, where Axl and Bloo are slamming Austin's face into every last piece of furniture and equipment they can come across. Finally, Axl tosses Stevens toward a door, with Stevens colliding like a semi-truck into a convertible... Bloo cracks his knuckles, and follows them out...]
Wes: What an impact! Stevens smashes into the door, and as soon as he does, the door comes unhinged, with Austin Stevens rolling across the pavement, to the outside. A referee is following Axl and Bloo, as Mac, the former ref, is being attended to by EMTs, along with Reeve, and my partner. I can safely say I'm not sorry for either Reeve or especially Mac... but Rex is a good guy. He's just a bit... lost.
Krys: People say that about me ALLL the time! I just tell them to go away! But do they listen? Nooo... friggin' voices in my head... think they own the place...
Wes: ... Stevens now lays on the ground outside the Hell Hole Arena! Axl sprints toward the prone body of Viruz, while Bloo follows, smiling smugly. As Axl comes within a couple feet of the fallen Garter Snake, he takes to the air, before crashing down with a massive splash! Stevens shakes violently, and Axl begins pounding his right fist over and over into the face of Austin. If Axl keeps this attack up, Stevens may soon be as busted up as Axl is!
Krys: Have you ever seen pink elephants, Wessy?
Wes: No, and I don't intend to start now...
Krys: They're cutie pies. But they have funny voices... they speak with a thick German accent. Funny, cute, German, pink elephants.
Wes: ... Oh... kay. Axl finally seems to have had enough of pounding Austin's face in, and stands up from his fallen brother. Axl grabs Stevens by the hair, lifting him up, before irish whipping him into a ladder stood up against the side of the arena... But Stevens manages to leap in mid-run, hopping onto one of the ladder's rungs! Stevens climbs a bit more... He's climbing all the way to top of the arena entrance! Axl stares up at his foe... a man he's battled a good half hour with it seems, just a bit over that in fact... before looking over at his Yellow VolksWagon Beetle of Evil, parked right by the entrance... Axl pulls the driver's side door open, pulls his key from his pocket, and turns on the ignition... Axl grabs a CD from within the vehicle, and inserts it into the player... Axl presses play.
"Welcome to the jungle,
We got fun 'n' games.
We got everything you want,
Honey we know the names.
We are the people that can find...
Whatever you may need.
If you got the money, honey,
We got your disease...
In the jungle,
Welcome to the jungle...
Watch it bring you to your shun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh knees, knees...
I wanna watch you bleed!"
Krys: Oooo! Me likey this song! It's by Gum and Rollers!
Wes: ... Close enough. After Axl turns the song up to full blast, he heads for the ladder... Axl begins climbing, rung by rung, till he reaches the top. Axl makes his way atop the building entrance, and as soon as he does, before he can even stand, Stevens begins putting the boots to him. But eventually, Axl finds a way to get up... Axl shoves Austin away, but Austin comes right back. The two men begin to duke it out with punches, back and forth... Stevens sends a right hook Axl's way, which causes the Glam Rockin' Guitar God to teeter close to falling from the entrance... The Yellow VW Beetle looming far below.
Krys: Oooo... shiny car!
Wes: You know, you make FAR more intelligent conversation than Rex, my dear.
Krys: Thankies.
Wes: Not a problem. Stevens comes hurtling toward Axl... leaps into the air... LOU THESZ PRESS... OH MY GYAAAD~!!!1a2
[Drunk Ass rushed towards Axl, sprung into the air, hit the press, and sent the two of them SOARING through the air... with Axl flailing his arms and legs about, they came closer... and closer to the VW Beetle. And finally, they SMASHED through the car windshield, sending glass to fly, and Axl's blood to spill in buckets... but more than odd, Bloo is STILL smiling?]
Wes: Axl is a bloody wreck, Stevens isn't much better, and Axl's windshield is KAPUT... Stevens, entirely out of breath, struggles to even drape an arm across the chest of Axl... He just BARELY manages to place a hand atop Axl... the ref slaps his hand against the car's hood...
One...
Two...
Krys: Chippermunkey!!!
Wes: ...
Ref: Three!
Wes: HE DID IT! "Drunk Ass" ACTUALLY did it! After a HUGE battle, Drunk Ass pulled out everything he could, and he got him the Xtrmkor championship! Sports fans, I gotta say -
[Suddenly, Redd W. rips Drunk Ass from the car wreckage... and goozles him for a chokeslam... staring him dead in the eyes.]
Redd: When you're Xtmkor... you're Xtreme... twenty four, seven. That's what that little belt of yours MEANS... on the line, no matter where you are, no matter what you're doing... or just got finished doing.
Redd: And when you're mWo? You're mWo...
*CHOKESLAM!*
Redd: ... 4 Eva'.
Wes: I can't friggin' believe this! Redd goes for the pin cover... and gets the one, two, three! This is un-bee-LIEVABLE! After all that trouble, all the torment, all the blood, sweat and tears... all the hell Stevens went through for that gold, and with ONE move, it's all taken away from him! This is... this is...
Krys: TUNA~!!!1a
Wes: ...
[Nitro returns to the ring, where standing in the center of the circled square, is not Howard Fecal, but former WSE ring announcer guy 'Rat Bore'.]
Rat: Hi there ho there many peoples in audience of that which is to being Entertaining World of Sports Which is not Wrestling!
Fans: ...
Rat: For many ages, my people have saying ; You no get this! You no get this, damn german! And with that much, enjoy this the show match, you bitch cake chicken fuckers!
Wes Rivers: Hello sports fans, and welcome BACK to Nitro... where my colleague has returned after getting knocked the FUCK out!
Rex Winters: Oh, wow, thank you for the concern... bastard.
Wes: Yes, that's right sports fans, WSE Nitro! And this is its season premiere, only on the Disney Channel! The second episode of Nitro, the FIRST event of 2010... and this IS WSE's second year of existence!
Rex: Why must the torture endure! Just... just shoot me. Please. Get it over with...
Wes: Well, we've made it to our main event. I still can't believe the TRAGEDY that took place right before the break. The mWo found a way, somehow, to STILL grab that gold for itself... even if it came in the form of a supposed "patriot". Let me say this, Mr. Bloo. You may love your country, but if you loved your company? Then you'd KNOW you're making a deal with the devil.
Rex: Oh come ON! Mac is here, Jack is GONE! Get with the program, or get gone, biz-nitch!
Wes: I dunno Rex... Jack Hoff may not have seen his last days here in World Sports Entertainment just yet...
Rat Bore: Following being first EVER of Royal Royales in here which is World's Strongest Entertainment! Is being main events of evenings! 40 mans! 40 womens! 40 items of inanimate! Only some of each! Time for guy who fucked as can be to make entry way!
Wes: Rat's got it right, Rex. Whomever drew first has got his work more than cut out for him.
Rex: And I care because... ?
Wes: ... And awaaay we GO!
["I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred plays, and out comes D-Jobberation X's "HeadAche Kid" Ron Mitchells. He has a balding head of brown hair, wears a D-Jobberation X tee, a goofy, hot pink and lime green cowboy hat, and hot pink and lime green D-JX pants.]
Rat: Him first being ; HEAD ACHE KID!
["I'm Too Sexy" continues to play, and Ron Mitchells struts down the ramp, tagging the hands of a few people. ... Who'm I kidding, nobody's giving this guy the time of day. Poor bastard... Anyway, he gets in the ring, and Rat continues.]
Rat: And opponent of his! Him be Calgary, Alberta, Canadian! Him be Crippled! Him be Rabid! Him be Prove Me Wrong! Champion of Former WCW... 27 time Heavy World Champion Weight... 1 time Royal Rumbles winner... CHRIS.............................................. BENOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!~!!~!1a2b L
Rex: Damn that's a major over use of letters and punctuation!
Rat: That's my bacon!
Rex: ... The fuck?
["Whatever" by Our Lady Peace hits, and out he comes... you know who.]
Wes: Yes sports fans, it's the man once believed to be dead! "Once", as in until just before this ring introduction! It's Chris Benoyt! ... I mean Chris BENOIT! Damn Rat Bore...
Rex: We are SO going to hell...
Wes: Whadya mean?
Rex: Nothing...
Wes: Benoit is wearing the legendary "4 Real" spandex tights, and is popping his neck to the left and right as he was always known to do. Plus, he's in a wheelchair and foaming at the mouth.
Rex: Yeah, minor details... Is this seriously happening? This... this makes me feel icky.
Wes: Icky or not, Benoit is ready to RUMBLE!
Rex: Even though he can't get into the ring because... well, the guy's in a goddam wheelchair. Can somebody help him in PLEASE?! I seriously don't want to spend the rest of my night watching a murderer get into a wrestling ring on a wheelchair while he's foaming at the mouth...
Wes: While we're waiting for someone to get their lazy ass over there and assist this guy, and hopefully not to another suicide... This is the third EVER Royal Royale here in WSE. The first being held at the end of 2008, the second at the start of 2009, and now, the 2010 edition. The rules are simple ; 40 different entrants, ranging from men, to women, to, as has been mentioned, inanimate objects... there will be two initial participants, and every 3 minutes a new competitor will step into the fray. At the end of the approximately 2 hour match, there will be a sole survivor, and that survivor WILL become the NEW World Sports Entertainment CHAMPION!
Rex: Yup... simple. Just like all the other WSE matches that require an instruction manual to understand... Just call us TNA 2.0.
Wes: Well, Benoit is finally in the ring, and... there's the bell! And Benoit is off and chasing Mitchells around the ring with that wheelchair!
Rex: ... THIS IS RETARDED!
Wes: Mitchells... Mitchells just eliminated HIMSELF! He just could not stand being chased around by that wheelchair!
Rex: *smashing his face against the desk* KILL... ME... NOW...
Wes: Benoit is raising his fists to the heavens above!
Rex: Which is the closest he'll ever find himself to that place...
Wes: The buzzer has sounded and it's time for another entrant...
Speakers: STAND BACK... A DAN is comin' through!
Wes: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S DAN! IT'S DAN! HOLY SHIT, IT'S DAN!
Rex: Who the FUCK is 'Dan'?
Wes: SUPER Dan! He's... well, he's SUPER! He's Super Heroic, that's what he is!
Rex: How is he "super heroic"?
Wes: He once saved a cat from a tree!
Rex: ... Wow.
Wes: SuperDan flies down the ramp! SuperDan slides under the bottom rope! SuperDan -
Rex: "SuperDan" is now running from Chris Benoit in that fucking wheelchair. Does this match even have a point?
Wes: To crown the NEW WSE Champ!
Rex: Why can't we just do it the old fashioned way and draw a name from a hat? ... Screw it.
Wes: SuperDan... DAMMIT!
Rex: Ha! He flew, Wes! Right over the top rope, and that wheelchair's chased off yet another potential "winner". This match just gets worse and worse, honestly...
10...
9...
8...
Wes: Well, we're counting down to another entrant.
Rex: The only way this match could save itself is if someone WORTHY entered into it...
7...
6...
5...
Rex: Someone strong... smart... and quick as a whip... and dammit, I think I know just the man for the job!
4... 3... 2...
...1!!!
[The buzzer sounds, and in comes...]
Wes: REX?! Dammit Rex, you can't make it in that ring, you'll get torn apart! You've ALREADY had your ass laid out by "Drunk Ass", and now you want to be killed as well?!
Rex: By this cripple? Seriously? *looks at Benoit* Ha! Chris, you've REALLY let yourself go, lemme tell ya. Ya look like f'n Old Yeller with that froth at your lips! C'mon, just TRY and chase me, I DARE ya!
Benoit: PROVE ME WRONG!!!
Rex: Is that all you ever say? You're like a broken frickin' record... you know what, speaking of "broken", how about I break your neck? Or your arm? How about I just break that ugly FACE of yours! Benoit... you're dead. And I'm gonna prove... me... RIGHT!
[Rex magically pulls out a dumb bell... and a rope. He ties the rope 'round the dumb bell, before smiling deviously at Benoit.]
Rex: Second time's the charm.
Wes: Don't do it Rex! He's not worth it! And besides, we'll probably get our asses sued by everyone within a seven thousand mile radius!!! Crap, and I was planning on entering as "Wes Guerrero". So much for that idea...
[Rex wraps the loose end of the rope around Benoit's throat, as "The Crippler" tries desperately to break free. Rex then lugs the dumb bell over to the ropes... and heaves it over, sending the dumb bell, the rope, AND Benoit all over the top rope!]
Rat Bore: Him is eliminate, Benoit with first name of Chris! Everybody happy!
Wes: You can say that again, we were about to get Nitro kicked off the air on its debut here on Disney... Haven't we already done about twelve million things this Channel dissaproves of?
Rex: Hell if I know.
Wes: Oh, Rex? You're back at the desk!
Rex: Yeppers. I just HAD to ditch that murderous bastard myself. Plus... I really just got tired of seeing people running around from a fuckin' wheelchair. After I tossed that idiot, I went ahead and eliminated myself. I don't need the World Title to prove I'm da bomb... everybody knows THAT already.
Wes: Well sports fans, after the break, we'll -
- ads -
Wes: And we're back!
Rex: Just like WWE... RIGHT in the middle of the action. Well... talking. Jeez, one thing about Mac, he does NOT wait around to get a few bills paid...
Wes: ANYWAY... during the break, the ring filled with entrants # 5 - 20.
Rex: Wait a damn minute... that break was only like four or five minutes long... wouldn't it take like, an hour to -
Wes: AHEM! The list reads off like a who's not of professional amateur fake-ass e-sports entertainment wrasslin' STUPID STARS!
#5 : The Rock
#6 : Stone Cold Stick Awesome
#7 : "Hollywood" Hulk Glue Gun
#8 : "Nature Toy" Tick Flair
#9 : Scott Ball
#10 : Kevin 'Stache
#11 : 6-Pack
#12 : Jeff Arbyz
#13 : THE Fryin' Kendrick
#14 : Mr. Christmas Tree... Christmas Tree
#15 : Mick Doiley
#16 : String
#17 : "The Pasty Boy" Saggy Knobb
#18 : Taz
#19 : Val Penis
and
#20 : "Macho Chair" Wheelie Savage
Rex: Ok... that just looks like a bunch of random junk to me. And that one is just the frickin' wheelchair with HeadAche Kid's dorky cowboy hat tacked on. >:^(
Wes: No, no, Rex, they're obviously LEGENDS!
Rex: Wes, it's a rock, a stick, a glue gun, a "The Tick" action figure, a ball, a fake mustache, a six pack of beer, an empty "Arby's" bag, a frying pan, a CRAPPY looking Christmas tree, a doiley, a piece of string, a broken door knob, a Taz looney tunes plushie, a... dildo. ... the less said about that, the better... and of course, the FUCKING wheelchair. Please don't tell me we have to watch that gathering of garbage day leftovers for THREE MINUTES! >:^(
Wes: Nyope, because we've just passed the 3 minute mark, and you know what THAT means!
Rex: ... Somebody's coming out?
Wes: Literally!
Rex: ... Huh?
Wes: It's time for our first ACTUAL WSE entrant!
["Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" hits, and out comes... raYne! Another WSE Original we haven't seen in a while! "The Storm" arrives in the flashiest of hot pink attire, his hair wild and multi-colored, and his nails painted a bright ice blue. His lips are glossed, and his eyebrows are plucked...]
Wes: It's raYne!
Rex: Oh dear lord no... I HATE this guy! Please tell me someone good like Redd W. Bloo or maybe even a returning Val Halla is coming out next to beat the shit out of this moron?!
Wes: Sorry Rex, but not for another two or three pages of the script...
Rex: Dammit...
Wes: Yes sports fans, the openly homosexual "Storm" of World Sports Entertainment is BACK! He rushes down to the ring, and slides in under the bottom rope... and... he stops. raYne, take it to those icons of this sport! Show them what you've got! Show the WORLD!
Rex: ... THEY'RE INANIMATE OBJECTS! Are you DENSE man?!
Wes: Rex, stop it with the breaking kay fabe! Oy vey!
Rex: ... You've GOT to be kidding me?! Anyone can see that this is... wait, what in the hell? raYne is laying down?! ... And now he's draping Hulk Glue Gun over himself?! ... YES!!! You go girl! Get yourself eliminated! There truly IS a god!
Wes: The ref is stunned by this... and quite frankly, so am I.
[And then... "Iron Man" played over the speakers. And the Earth stood still.]
Wes: OH GOD NO!!! It can't be!
Rex: ... Shit. Maybe this isn't as good as I had hoped... If that bastard is involved, then...
[Vince Russo walks solemnly down the aisle, stopping at the edge of the ring, bellowing into a microphone.]
Russo: GOD DAMMIT! Referee, count the fuckin' fall! That basta'd Hulkst'a wants his belt, then fuckin' give it tah him! But Glue Gun, lemme tell ya this, and I hope ya old geez'a ass is listenin' : That belt can be the Hulk Glue Gun memorial belt as far as I'm concerned, cuz as for WSE, your ass is HISTORY!!! Ya damn... GLUE GUN! Think you OWN the place! With ya nozzle that dispenses adhesive substances!
[The referee looks at Russo as if he's mentally handicapped.]
Rex: The referee's mentally handicapped?
[RUSSO!]
Rex: Ohhh...
[But, the ref does as he's told, and counts the one, two, three. Even though this is an over-the-top-rope elimination match. Jesus christ...]
Rat Bore: raYne him be eliminate! I guess!
Rex: This is a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MATCH! Damn it to hell!
Wes: And we're down to the Final 35!
Rex: You mean we got rid of a whole FIVE already?! AWESOME! SRSLY! I'm so NOT being sarcastic! Fuck it, I'm clawing my eyes out... somebody hand me "Stone Cold" Stick Awesome...
Rat Bore: Now for being entry way numero number 22... Vincent Kennedy Russo!
Rex: ... I hate this match so much I hate myself. And trust me, that takes ALOT... I'm so loveable.
Wes: Russo is apparently shocked by this development, not expecting to be involved with this contest in THIS form. Russo looks around himself... before pouncing on The Rock! Russo is dismanteling Rocky single-handedly! It's unbelievable!
Rex: Yes... yes it is, actually. It's unbelievable, how, JUST when you think this fed couldn't get any worse... it does. BRAV-FUCKIN'-O!!!
Wes: Russo lifts the rock up, and drops it down upon Hollywood Glue Gun!
Russo: DAMN YOU GLUE GUN! Damn... you... straight... to... HELL~!!!1a
Wes: Russo has broken the Hulkster!
Rex: ... This is just plain obnoxious. I'm about to flip the channel...
Wes: You can't Rex, you're here. Live. You're not watching it on tv.
Rex: Oh FUCK... I'm in HELL!!!
Wes: Russo gathers up the bits of the glue gun, and chucks them over the top rope. Glue Gun has been eliminated! He then tosses The Rock over... and there goes another elimination!
Rex: Whoopie-dee-goddam-doo... We're nowhere near the end, so I'm totally unenthralled. This is about as action-packed as a battle royal on Smackdown... especially the one where Khali won. God that sucked... but somehow, some way this tops the sheer sucktitude of Khali's battle royal victory. And that, my friends, is saying something...
Wes: Russo is staring down Mick Doiley!
Rex: The dude's "staring down" a table covering. ... How much does that speak for the man's IQ? I mean, seriously?
Wes: Doiley is awaiting Russo to make the first move...
Rex: Because obviously "Mick" can't make it...
Wes: Russo drops an elbow on Doiley! And it connects!
Rex: ... GODDAM IT! That's it, Wes, you can do this shit with Narrator, or you can do it yourself, but I'm out of here...
Wes: But Rex!
[Sorry Wes... he's gone.]
Wes: Well... crap. ... Wait! I've got an idea! Narrator, call back Rex!
Rex: Hey.
Wes: ... That was quick.
[I'm MAGIC!]
Rex: So... what is it?
Wes: This is a HARDCORE Royal Royale! And there's 18 entrants left!
Rex: Wait, so you're telling me those are streetfight weapons?
Wes: ... Yup!
Rex: I thought you said, like, that's "Stone Cold Stick Awesome"...
Wes: It's a stick, Rex, a stick! Nothing more, nothing less!
Rex: ... and I thought you said THAT was "Mick Doiley" ...
Wes: A table cloth, Rex, nothing more, nothing less!
Rex: And how about "Val Penis"?
Wes: A dildo, Rex, nothing more, nothing less!
Rex: Ok... fine. So who are the first participants in this "Hardcore" Royal Royale?
Wes: Well, the first is Vince Russo.
Rex: Oh brother...
Wes: And the second will be out here after these -
- ads -
Wes: And welcome back sports fans! WSE StupidStar, Jack Bull, the Southern Fried Country Boy, is standing mid-ring, fists balled up and ready to lay it down on Russo!
Rex: And THANKFULLY, Russo just fled from the ring! We're finally down to seventeen!
Wes: Just in time for the buzzer!!!
Speakers: The End is near. War Hammer... I COMMAND YOU~!!!1a
Rex: THANK GOD!!! VAL HALLA'S HERE! A star that's actually worth a damn! And it's not even me!
Wes: Well, another WSE Original has returned! And with his history with Jack Hoff you know he couldn't turn on the loyalists!
Rex: Wes... Redd W. was Jack's right hand man just the same as Val... and you know what Redd's done tonight.
Wes: Oh... well, Val is a man of tradition and loyalty. I'm more than certain that the mWo has an ENEMY in Val Halla!
["The End of the World" by Dio hits, and a pre-recorded "Val Hal-La!" chant plays... gold lights shine about, and the God of War, Val Halla, marches out from the curtains, hoisting his trusty War Hammer.]
Wes: Val takes that hammer wherever he goes. A sledge, decorated at the end of the handle with one black feather, one white.
Rex: He's AWESOME!
Wes: He's also your crush.
Rex: Hey! He is NOT my "crush"! Just because I hold the record for most posters of another man taped across my walls... and perhaps a shrine or two... does NOT mean I'm gay for the guy! He's a WSE ICON!!~!
Wes: Well... we've really only existed for a year, so calling him an "icon" is... well, a bit of a stretch, dont'cha think?
Rex: Dude, a year in an e-fed? Is like 7 YEARS for... well, TNA.
Wes: ANYWAY... Val stomps into the ring, and as Bull goes for a fist to the mush, Val catches it... and -
Rex: BIG BOOT! Bull just got sent head over heels from that simply MONSTROUS big boot! And now my man Val is grabbing the stick for this "hardcore" Royale... he lifts it up... before cracking it across Bull's side!
Wes: Jack Bull is writhing in pain! The much smaller man in Bull is taking a beating here!
Rex: He reminds me of Jamie Noble.
Wes: You mean in physique and his southern personality?
Rex: Nope. In the fact that, after Val Halla gets done with him, Bull may be out of a job. Just call Val the Norse Sheamus.
Wes: Well, irregardless, Val is really taking it to poor Bull... but the buzzer has just sounded! We're about to see another entrant!
Speakers: It's-a me... a-MARIO~!!!
Rex: Oh NO!
Wes: I sense back-up arriving for Jack!
Rex: It's that damn do-gooder, Major Mario! He needs to keep his nose out of this!
Wes: Well... he IS in the match, Rex...
Rex: Oh... well, still, that's not the point! He needs to go after Jeff Arbyz or something!
Wes: That's an empty Arby's bag!
Rex: WHATEVER!
Wes: Major Mario stampedes down the ramp, slides into the ring, and begins to blast away on Val Halla with those Mushroom Kingdom sized rights! Val is being backed up into a corner... Mario backs up to the other side of the ring... before hitting a VICOUS splash, colliding with Val! And Val is left sprawled out, center of the ring.
10...
9...
8...
Wes: The big screen is counting down the seconds until the next entrant... uh... enters!
7...
6...
5...
Rex: I just hope it's not someone worse than Russo or raYne... or another inanimate object...
4... 3... 2...
... 1!
Speakers: EL TACO! UNO BURRITO! DEL GRANNNDDDEEE'~!!!
["Low Rider" by War hits, and the "Fat Ass Luchador", Mr. E, walks through the curtains... and already has to catch his breath!]
Wes: ASTOUNDING!
Rex: Well, while fatty catches his breath, Val Halla and Major Mario are going back and forth inside the ring...
Wes: Mario swings a left, but Val ducks under, turns around, and drops Mario with a reverse ddt! Val bounds off the ropes, leaps into the air, and drops down upon Mario with a forceful body splash! He brought down all his weight with that one! Val then grabs onto Mario's hair, and tries to chuck him over the top... but Mario clings to the ropes. Mario elbows Val in the gut, before tossing Val over the top himself! But Val hangs on! Val rolls back into the ring under the bottom rope... he picks Mario's legs, climbs onto him, and starts pounding away with rights and lefts aplenty!
Rex: Finally, we're getting a little bit of action here! And Mr. E is still far, far from the ring, so hopefully the good stuff will keep on coming!
Wes: Val irish whips... or is that Norse Whips?... Mario into the ropes... the Plumbing Punisher springs off, comes toward Val Halla .... SPINEBUSTER! Spine on the pine!
Rex: Yes!
Wes: Mr. E is on the apron!
Rex: No!
Wes: Val whips Mario into Mr. E. ... and E is sent flying through the air, crashing into the fan barricade!
Rex: Yahoo! Man, I hope that counts as an elimination...
Referee: I'll allow it!
Rex: HELL YES!
Wes: And Mario and Val Halla are back to fighting one another. Val raises Mario above his head, in a gorilla press... before dropping Mario down, face first, over the top turnbuckle! Mario is stumbling... Val captures him, and locks on one of his finishers, the "End is Near"! A bearhug with all the force of the mighty Zeus! Val lifts Mario up... and SLAMS him with a simply massive spinebuster! ... But... Major Mario pops right back up!
Rex: Has he just gotten a 1-up or WHAT?!
Wes: Mario turns around, and hooks Val up for the Warp-Pipe Plex!!! One German Suplex... he rolls through... and there's the second, with a release! AND VAL IS SENT OVER THE TOP! He... is... OUTTA THERE!
Rex: FUCK!
Wes: But Jack Bull just came up from behind Mario... and he dumped HIM over the top rope!
Rex: I totally forgot about him...
Wes: And so did Major Mario! Mario's gone, and that leaves Bull alone in the ring momentarily.
Rex: Besides the buncha "hardcore" junk...
10 ... 9 ... 8 ...
Wes: Sports fans, we'll be back right after these -
- ads -
Wes: And we're back! Inside the ring is Jack Bull, Jippy Jam the Japanese Jughead, "The Extrateresstrial Sk8er Boi" Zorlax Firling, The Brown Power Ranger, "The Darkly Black Emo Dude" Kruzifix, "The l33t hAX0r" Viruz, "The All-Around All-Star Athlete" Luscious Melancholy Nasdaq Oxford Porterhouse, and the 16 year old warrior, Goo the Adventurer!
Rex: Wow... that's alotta guys. All in like... six minutes. Talk about heading into rush mode...
Wes: Goo rushes into Zorlax, who lifts Goo up into the air... Goo leaps over Zorlax, and winds up smacking Jippy in the face with a missile dropkick! Jippy flies over the top rope... but hangs on! Jippy soars back into the ring, sunset flipping over Viruz, rolling this into a sharpshooter... but Viruz ends up turning this somehow into his patented "Viruz Skan" dragonsleeper! He's trying to weaken Jippy up to toss him over the top rope!
Rex: Or, he coulda just forgot you can only win the match by tossing your opponents over the top rope. All these guys are about as dumb as a bag of snails!
Wes: But don't let THEM hear you say that!
Rex: Oh ho ho... I won't.
Wes: LMNOP goes for a superkick to Kruzifix, but Kruz ducks under... and LMNOP slams his foot into the face of the Brown Ranger! And Brownie is sent flying over the top rope! Both feet touch the floor, and the Ranger is GONE!
Rex: Holy smokes! We're ACTUALLY down to 13 entrants! It's a damn miracle!
Wes: Zorlax just drove the wheel chair across the ring, and into the abdomen of Jippy Jam! Jippy collapses onto the chair, and Zorlax dumps Jippy AND the chair out and over the top rope!
Rex: 12!!! 12 entrants, vlah ha ha!
Wes: Zorlax then goes for a flying forearm to Kruzifix, but the bigger man ducks down a bit, and proceeds to backbody drop Zorlax up and over the top to the outside! Kruz turns around and smiles down at the fallen Firling, admiring his handiwork... but the emo monster receives a DILDO to the back!
Rex: Viruz just slapped Kruzifix in the back with a dildo! ... I can NOT believe I just said that...
Wes: And the dildo didn't do any good, unfortunately for Vi...
Rex: Come on, he honestly thought that was gonna work? I mean, I know the guy's dumb, but he must be even dumber than I thought!!!
Wes: Kruz spins around, hooks his meaty claws around Vi's throat... lifts him up, and tosses him abruptly over his shoulder, and over the top rope! Viruz HAS been eliminated!!
Rex: Kruz is going ballistic on the other three men left in the ring! Chokeslam to Jack Bull! Powerbomb to Goo the Adventurer! DDT to Luscious Melancholony uh... whatever the hell that guy's name is!
Wes: Kruzifix lifts up Jack Bull... and he's going for the Crown of Thorns, a modified tombstone!
Rex: Sing-a-long with me, now - "Modified" in name alone!
Wes: And he hits it! Bull is out like a light. Kruz pulls Bull over to the ropes, and topples him over... and Bull is the next one off the list!
Rex: We needed this Kruzifix guy a while back! He's swattin' 'em like flies! We wouldn't have had to go through all this if Kruz was entrant #1! He's my pick to go all... the... WAY!
Wes: Kruzifix is stalking Goo and LMNOP... they're both cowering away from the larger man... we could be ready to add another two notches on the chalk board...
[Suddenly, "Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down hits, and WSE's resident super hero, SuperGuyManDudePerson, flies down the ramp, sliding in under the bottom rope, and... he flies through the air with a cross-body block!]
Wes: Supes just collided with Kruzifix, sending them BOTH over the top rope and to the outside!
Rex: Now how dumb was THAT?! What kinda dipshit eliminates himself just to eliminate someone else?!
Wes: A SUPER dipshit!
Rex: ... Ah.
Wes: Goo tosses the ball at LMNOP's head... which bounces off. ... LMNOP is MAD!
Rex: And I'm mad this isn't over yet...
Wes: LMNOP grabs the frying pan, and tosses THAT at Goo! And... that hurts just a bit more than the plastic ball!
Rex: Ya THINK?!
Wes: Goo falls to his knees, and LMNOP runs in with a flying dropkick to the mush... Goo drops flat on his face, and LMNOP grabs ahold of the string... before wrapping this around Goo's neck and beginning to choke him out!
Rex: Goo is thrashing about wildly, but it's of no use! Goo finally manages to grab the door knob, which he uses to swing backward, connecting with LMNOP's head! Luscious stumbles backward... Goo bounces off the ropes, leaps up, and snaps off a lightning quick hurricanrana!
Wes: LMNOP is dazed and confused! And now Goo's grabbing the 6-pack!
Rex: I guess HE wants to be dazed and confused now? And he's only SIXTEEN! For shame...
Wes: Goo shakes up the pack... before spraying all six cans all over the prone body of LMNOP! Luscious is bathing in suds!
10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4...
Wes: There's only five more entrants left in this contest! Who could they be?!
3... 2...
Rex We're about to find out one of them right now...
... 1!!!
Speakers: N-I-C... K-E-Y... M-O-W-S-E!!!
["It's a Small World Land" by the Goof Troop hits, and out comes everybody's favorite "Rated G Stupid Star", Nickey Mowse! He has buck-teeth, long, brown hair... He wears a hat which is black with mickey mouse-like ears... big, yellow gloves... red shorts with yellow buttons... He wears a plain, black t-shirt... and big, floppy, yellow bowling shoes. He is, indeed, the crappiest looking mickey mouse imposter in HISTORY!]
Wes: Now there's an achievement to write home about...
Rex: Hey, he may look crummy for a mickey mouse, but he's not too shabby for a jobber. Which is... well, what he pretty much amounts to, when Disney doesn't force us to throw him a bone...
Wes: Hey! I told you once and I'll tell you a hundred times, don't break kay fabe dash gummit!
Rex: ... Me no speaky english!
Wes: That won't work! ... Not a second time, anyway...
Rex:
[Mowse slides into the ring...]
Wes: Right fist to LMNOP, left fist to Goo, and they've both been sent crumbling to the canvas!
Rex: Nickey picks up the Christmas tree... and he brings it crashing down over LMNOP and Goo!!! Not as if that's really going to hurt... but who'm I to nit pick.
Wes: Isn't that all you ever do?
Rex: >:^(
Wes: Mowse crouches down in a corner... and as soon as LMNOP stands, Mowse goes for the spear... but LMNOP dives out of the way! And Mowse spears Goo!!! And they BOTH are sent over the top rope... to the OUTSIDE!!!
Rat Bore: Eliminate they is Goo Man Chew and he of Mowse!
Wes: We're down to the Final Five!
Rex: HALLE-FRICKIN'-LUJAH~!!!
Wes: LMNOP is left, inside the ring, grabbing at his stomach, as he's had a sore time in there.
["Back in Black" hits... and the lights go black and white]
Rex: And it looks like he's about to have an even MORE sore time! Bwahahaha! The boss is HERE!
Wes: Oh right, suck up to him, eh Rex?
Rex: Well, I figure, Jack Hoff is gone, Mac Bry is now writing the checks... may as well cater to the guy that actually matters, right?
Wes: But it's not just THE Mac that's coming out... it's Reeve, Axl, and Mac's chick, Krystal Dawn! What do the mWo have to do with this? I mean, I understand that, with this match determining the champion, they have a bit of vested interest in it... But they couldn't possibly have anything on their mind other than disrupting things! One of the next four entrants MUST be Redd W. Bloo, or another mWo turncoat, that's the only way I see it!
Rex: They're getting into the ring... and Mac is whispering something to the ref? And now the ref is telling Rat something...
Rat Bore: Entrant way numero numbers of 37, 38, 39 AND 40... they be m... W... ooo!!! Great job!
Wes: Wait a damn minute! You're telling me not just one, not just two, not just three, but ALL FOUR members of the mWo are now in this?! LMNOP does not stand a CHANCE!
Rex: This is GREAT!
Wes: How is this "great"?! This isn't right! Mac can't do this!
Rex: Hello Wes, you DO remember what show you're at, correct? This is the main event of WSE Nitro, right? And Mac is the new Chairman of WSE! So he can do any damn thing he pleases!
Wes: Argghh... I cannot believe this! Sports fans, will ANYone be able to stand a chance against the combined force of the mWo?!
Rex: I don't think so, and I LOVE it!
Wes: LMNOP charges at Mac... but Reeve and Axl hit the double clothesline just as Luscious comes close. Axl and Reeve are laying in the boots... Reeve grabs up LMNOP and sends him into the ropes... but LMNOP hooks himself on. Axl goes to deliever a blow, but LMNOP ducks under and drops Axl to the outside! .... but Axl remains on the apron, DAMMIT! Axl hooks LMNOP by the arms, still standing on the apron... and Reeve begins throwing a few gut punches. Axl shoves Luscious, before stepping back inside...
Rex: Step inside, walk this way... you and me babe, HEY HEY!
Wes: Reeve slings LMNOP into the ropes once again... and the Coming Outsiders hit the double flap jack! Mac is prepping to send LMNOP over the top... and Krystal is just kinda... off in her own little world...
Rex: Damn she's cute...
Wes: She's your Chairman's GIRLFRIEND!!!
Rex: I know... think he'd share?! Heheh.
Wes: You really ARE despicable! Ugh... anyhell, Reeve tries to irish whip Luscious Melancholy Nasdaq Oxford Porterhouse into the ropes... but LMNOP reverses the irish whip at the very last second!
Rex: HOLY HELL! How in the WORLD is Lameboy Mashed-puhtaters Nonsense Somethin' or 'Nother doing this?!
Wes: Well, for one, his name isn't -
Rex: YES!!!
Wes: Awww... crap.
Rex: All FOUR members of the mWo just QUADRUPLE dropkicked LMNOP right... on... OUTTA THERE! Suck on THAT, bee-yotch! YES to the MAX!!!
Wes: Now come ON! This... this CAN'T be legal!!!
Mac: I'll allow it!
Wes: AGH!!! This is ludicrous!
Chris Bridges: Nope, that'd be me.
Wes: Who the hell are you?
Chris Bridges: Ludacris. And I'm sooo hood!
Wes: ...
Rex: Mac is motioning toward the ref, and Rat... and... and the ref is raising Mac's hand! ... AND Krystal's! And now he's raising BOTH of the Coming Outsiders hands! HAHA! I... I THINK I know what just happened!
Wes: You have to absolutely gotta be kidding me...
Rat Bore: Winner of match, and NEW World Sports -
[Mac whispers into Rat's ear...]
Rat Bore: Ooo, excuuuse ME! Rat just have has been informified... that new THE BELT champ-wan... not that other, crappy name, but mWo THE BELT Champ-wan!!! ... is ... THE mWo!!!
Wes: God DAMMIT all to HELL! And now that bastard turncoat, Redd W. Bloo, is running down here like he's the torch bearer at the Olympics, holding that STOLEN Xtrmkor title... and he's joining these sacrilegous BLASPHEMERS in their vile, evil little celebration! They're EVIL! All evil, I tells ya!
Rex: Haha, HA! And I am lov-ing-IT! Baby, this is the greatest goddam night in WSE history! Scratch that, WSE / mWo history!
Wes: Yes, and it helps that it's the first night of WSE / mWo history... things can ONLY get better from here... impossible to get any worse, that's for damn sure...
Mac: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I TOLD you we'd do it... and now, at the END of the night... we have. We've taken over. Both titles... We've shown just how much the so-called "WSE Originals" suck when compared to TRUE talent... and furthermore -
[SUDDENLY... the lights cut out.]
"Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie hits... and the lights return... with Mac layed out in the middle of the squared circle, surrounded by a pool of his own blood! Bloo, Reeve, Axl and Krys are all bound and gagged in the four corners of the ring...]
Rex: Holy SHIT! It's... It's...
Wes: It's the UnderBaker! We haven't seen him in months! ... Well, I mean, even months before we were actually gone... for months.
Rex: The Chef of Death has returned! Crimeny... I love the mWo and all... but this dude is DEADLY!
Wes: Admit it... they're roast duck.
Rex: SHADDAP!
['Baker is clad in a black, flowing trenchcoat, and black chef's hat... He wears a pair of black pants with purple fork and spoon stitched on the sides, forming crosses... He slides his thumb across his throat, signaling for the demise of THE Mac. 'Baker lifts up Mac, brings him up in powerbomb position... before bringing him careening down, over the top rope, with the "Last Meal" jacknife, all the way to the outside floor!]
Wes: THE mWo may be "THE Champion" of THE Belt, but with one swift motion, the 'Baker has catapulted himself into their worst nightmares!
Rex: The Chef of Death is back, and like it or not, I have to admit he's prepped to dismantle the mWo... But I KNOW they're already formulating a plan!
Wes: Sure. Mac is nearly DEAD outside, and his girl, buddies, and hand chosen Xtrmkor champ can hardly even breath INside! Yeah, they have a plan alright... and it involves lots, and LOTS of ice.
['Baker lowers to one knee, and extends a hand to the sky, holding a loave of bread... as "Eat It" by 'Weird' Al Yankovic plays over the speaker system. UnderBaker rises up, and grabs a microphone, the music continuing to play, with the arena engulfed in a funky black light effect...]
UnderBaker: Mac... as well as the rest of the mWo... you have tempted the fates one time too many. The Temple of Buttered Toast declares... that on the second Sunday, of the second month, of the tenth year, of the third millenium... that a Savior of Sacred Muffins WILL bring down that which is wicked... in the eyes of the almighty Wheat. Mac Bry... Axl, Reeve... Krystal... mWo. As sure as I am John Semen, Austin Stevens, Viruz, Goo, and many others are prepared for the task at hand... I am even more prepared to take care of you wretched souls alone. A Saint Valentine's Massacre is on the horizon... and I will make certain... that, without a shadow of a doubt... the four of you WILL...
Rest...
...in...
YEEEAAASSSTTT!!!!
[As the UnderBaker rolls his eyes into the back of his skull, "Eat It" rises in volume, and the WSE faithful raise their fists to "The Chef of Death", with 'Eat It' playing it the background.]
Wes: Sports fans, what can I tell you, but, ORDER KISSY FACE SNUGGLE BUNNY DAY!
Rex: Jeez... that name still makes me feel kinda... tingly. I dunno if I'm in love with the new direction WSE's headed... or I just need to head to the back and find my Valentine's edition of PentHouse... LESBIAN CUPIDS, FTW!!!~!
Wes: The WSE vs mWo war has truly begun, sports fans. For Rex Winters, this is Wes Rivers saying, thank you for tuning into this debut on the Disney Channel. I hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.
Rex: Some parts may have sucked as much as they ever have in the past year... but I really think I might start sticking around with you every week here at ringside. ... Are pigs flying above my head, or WHAT?!
Wes: Sports fans... goodnight.
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RWB: See ya guys! And remember, say your vitamins, drink your prayers, and do your homework! It's the AMERICAN WAY!
[Redd W. is seen, Xtrmkor title over his shoulder, waving goodbye to his mWo cohorts, who are heading off in their seperate vehicles... Krys and Mac on their mWo Chopper, and the Coming Outsiders in the VW Beetle of Evil... with Redd heading into his red, white and blue Ford pick-up truck. Redd smiles through his stars and striped mask, jingling his keys and patting the strap he holds so preciously...]
? : So... you warmin' muh belt, WHAT?!, I said yer warmin' muh belt fer me, eh?
RWB: ... Dammit.
[Bloo turns, and of course, standing right there with two cans of beer in hand, is "Drunk Ass" Austin Stevens...]
RWB: Drunk Ass, let's get one thing perfectly straight here. I've got absolutely NOTHING against you... all that out there? It was strictly business. I'm sure you can understand that?
Drunk Ass: Ya see... [Stevens closes in, tapping the two cans together in his hands] ... that's where yer wrong, cupcake. Ol' Drunk Ass... he takes things personal. Everything. Ya wanna know why?
RWB: Not real-
Drunk Ass: I'mma tell ya why any damn way, so I dunno why yer flappin' yer damn lips... See, Drunk Ass... he's Drunk of his Ass. It's on all the t-shirts, it's on all the lil' ol' action figures... [Stevens is very close now to Redd] Am I breathin' down yer neck, WHAT?!, I said... am I breathin' down yer neck?
RWB: I-
Drunk Ass: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF I'M BREATHIN DOWN YER NECK!
RWB: ... Wrong rip-off, bub.
Drunk Ass: See, Drunk Ass likes to ramble incoherently. He likes to go off-topic, he LIKES... to make not a gat dam lick a sense. ... But there's always a point, WHAT?! Says... there's always a point. Even the most homeless bum in all ah homeless bum-dom makes a point once in his life... whether someone's there to see it be made... that's the 'it' factor. Either IT happens... or it don't. ...
I'm here to make gat dam sure it does.
RWB: ... You're... REALLY close right about now... and I think you need a tic tac...
Drunk Ass: Ah course... [steps off a bit] Course ol' Drunk Ass needs a tic tac, don't we all?
RWB: ... Yes?
Drunk Ass: Tell ya what, good ol' Redd Dubbya... how 'bout you and ol' Drunk Ass share a brewskie?
RWB: What?
Drunk Ass: A BREWSKIE! Damn, are yer ears hard ah hearin', why ya gotta go 'round askin' what fer... Now... you take this here can... and I take... THIS one... and we clink our lil' ol' cans together, and we makes ourselves a lil' ol' toast... how's that sound?
RWB: Well, I've really got to get go-
Drunk Ass: Alrighty then, let's git 'r' dunn! [hands Redd the can... who begrudgingly accepts] Now, lemme see, usually Drunk Ass carries around with him a laundry list just for these per-tick-yoo-ler occasions... Hm... alrighty, I gots me an i-deer. We'll toast...
To togetherness.
RWB: ... Oh... kay? To... togetherness.
*clink*
[Drunk Ass is about to crack his open... when he looks over at Redd opening his.]
Drunk Ass: Hey... one other thing.
RWB: Yeah? [cracks it open]
Drunk Ass: That there 24/7 title... it... IS twenty four... seven, ain't it?
RWB: [chugs down a huge gulp...] *beeeelcccchhh* Yip.
Drunk Ass: Hm... good tah know.
BBQ: DRUNK ASS DROP! DRUNK ASS DROP! BAH GAWD ALMIGHTY, DRUNK ASS DROP!
[Austin, of course, hits the Drop, and sees his good pal, Boom Boom Quaker, just so happening to be in the area... bottle of "saush" in hand.]
Drunk: Hey, good ol' BBQ! How ya doin' buddy?
BBQ: Aw, same ol' same ol'...
Drunk: You mind doin' ol' Drunk Ass a favor?
BBQ: Any ol' thing, you name it.
Drunk: Count this here pinfall?
BBQ: Shee-oot, anythin' fer muh ol' pal, good ol' DRUNK ASS, DRUNK ASS, BAH GAWD DRUNK ASS! Let's gitt 'r' dunnnn~!
[Drunk Ass goes for the pin... and gets the one... two... three.]
BBQ: As GAWD as muh witness, we gots ourselves a bran' new champeen o' Xtreem!!!~! GOOD GAWD!!!
Drunk Ass: Hey, one last thing... can I borrow that there bottle ah shaush?
BBQ: No problemo! Plenty more where that came from *wink*
Drunk Ass: Thank ya kindly...
[Drunk Ass procures the sauce, and as BBQ makes his exit, Drunk Ass stoops down in front of Redd... smiling... in his left hand, a bottle of barbecue sauce, his other... a beer. Austin Stevens swigs down the entire contents of the can in one drink... crushes it... and chucks it... before looking down at the bbq sauce bottle... Drunk Ass smiles while he speaks.]
Drunk Ass: Redd, Redd, Redd... what are we ever gunna do with you? ... [Drunk Ass quickly looks up at Redd... the smile vanished without a trace]
You guys... you can run. Krystal, she can run...
Reeve can... Axl can... you can...
Mac Bry can.
But ain't a god DAMN one of you... can hide.
You even try tah hide?
One of us WILL find you.
It'll be Goo, that lil' whipper snapper of a kid... he'll chop every last damn one of y'all just tah save his village from some god awful King Disgrunteldorf.
It'll be Viruz, used tah be picked on in school, used tah called a geek, a dork, WHAT? ... A spaz. He'll show them milli vanilli mouthed bastages just who the "spaz" is...
It'll be John Semen. The people, they cain't get enough ah the guy. He may suck in that ring... but dammit, if ol' Drunk Ass didn't admit to a lil' crappy wrasslin' here and there, you know I'd be a lier. An' I ain't no dad gum liar, boy.
... It'll be me. Or it'll be any damn man, OR woman, that hopes, for just one day, to take any one ah y'all, and get a moment in that circled square with yuz...
Cuz not a damn one of us like ya. There ain't a damn thing TO like 'bout ya. See... ya just sap the fun outta every last thing ya touch...
It's like the Midas Touch... only in reverse. Or... opposite. Or... whatever, Drunk Ass is tryin'ah make a point here, so don't confuse me. Already Drunk as it is...
You want a war, WHAT?! I said you want a WAR?
...
You got yer damn war.
[Drunk Ass settles the bottle of bbq sauce down right at the head of Redd W. ... before picking up the Xtrmkor title, and slinging it over his own shoulder.]
Drunk Ass: This bottle's on me...
The next one?
Next one's on you...
Bottem's up.
: : and now, by popular demand, a replay of THE most requested ad in the past one year of WSE's existence... : :
|ad -
[The camera opens to a kitchen, where former WSE commentator, Good ol' Boom Boom Quaker, aka BBQ, is standing behind a counter, holding a bottle of barbecue sauce... Black cowboy hat resting proudly upon his head.]
BBQ: Hello there folks, this here's yer good ol' pal, Good ol' Boom Boom Quaker, an' yer watchin' The Weather Channel! You must REALLY suck! Yall know I likes me some good ol fashioned bar-bee-cue, an' I was able to pick up this here brand new bottle ah bbq saush from the local market. It's made ah gen-yoo-wine ally-gator spit, an' a hunderd percent all natural bat dung! Yall just mosey on down tah yer Wal-Mart superstore an' ya pick yerself up a bottle ah Mac Bry Industries Spit and Shit BBQ Saush! It's deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee grossest thing yall will ever eat, mmm-hmmm! Git r' dunn.
[BBQ looks at the bottle of BBQ sauce... before opening it, and chugging it like beer. ... He then slams the bottle down, and wipes his mouth clean of bat feces.]
BBQ: *belch* Ahh... good shit. Literally.
- end ad|
[It is the night of WSE's debut on the Disney Channel... and the second episode of Nitro. WSE's first event of the new year... WSE's second year of existence... which actually began back in September, but really, who's keeping track...]
[Commentators, Reeve Gordon and Axl VanHalen, are sitting at the desk, in the empty arena. And no it's not empty because nobody paid for a ticket (although, let's face it, nobody probably did... now, if the FANS were paid, we MIGHT get two or three to show up...) . No, it's about an hour two before Jack Hoff's huge five hour spectacular kicks off, and the Disney Corporation has made sure that EVERYONE is prepared... because they don't want people fucking up on their dime. They don't want a repeat of something like that time the Jonas Brothers revealed their real ages... 40 year old FREAKS~!!!]
Axl: Duuude... these scripts are BOGUS! I can't believe the Hoffster agreed to this gnarly totally UNtubular load ah trippy tripe!
Reeve: Axl, make sure you don't flub this for us. I don't want to go back to selling used toothbrushes... the sales surprisingly didn't roll in as often as I'd hoped...
Axl: Well, I want to talk to that fat cat Chairman of ours! Even if I DO go through with this... which I will, cuz I am SO not ending up on the street, offering up blow jobs for quarters... again... But even if I DO... I am SO letting that fat-tard, Jack Hoff, know what I think of his script! ... I think it isn't extremely good, that's what I think!
Reeve: That'll show him...
[Suddenly, lightning crackles from off camera, and what seems to be the sounds of a phone booth arriving on the ground are heard (don't ask me how I know from just the sounds...). Footsteps are heard stepping out from within...]
Reeve: Who the... *gasp*
Axl: DUUUUUUUDE! RADICAL!
Reeve: Is... is it really you?!
? : Boys... the band's back together.
Axl & Reeve: WYLD STALYNS... 4 LYFE!!! *air guitars*
===============
THE CHANGE... IS HERE.
===============
[And we're live (on tape) from the Hell Hole! Explosions! Loud music! Drunken people in the stands throwing up every which way! It's a good ol' Oklahoma Fireworks Display! Nope, it's NITRO 2 : The Reckoninininining!!! Disney... I hope you can DIG IT...]
Speakers: SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~!!!
Wes Rivers: Hello sports fans, and welcome to the second edition of Nitro! It only took, what, eight months?
Rex Winters: I thought we're OUT of this hell? Why were we dragged back in? Please answer me?
Wes: Because apparently, Axl and Reeve were called away from the booth for a "business meeting" ... I cannot imagine WHAT that could mean...
Rex: Lucky fucking bastards is what that means... wish I could be called away to a "business meeting" right about now... hell, ANY meeting!!! Just when I think I'm out, they PULL ME BACK IN!!!
[The stage is engulfed in towers of flaming pyro, as 'Sucka T' makes his non-awaited return to WSE. Yeah, I don't remember the muh' fucker either... Sucka tromps down to the ring, slides in, and grabs a microphone...]
Sucka: Playa, don't hate the Game... hate Daddy's Billion Dollah Princess!!!
Fans: ...
Sucka: And if you can't DIG THAT... then I's gots six words fah yuz............................... SAVE THE DRAMA... FO' YO' LAMAAAAA!!! Biz-nitch! ... Make that seven.
[SUDDENLY...]
[The lights begin to flash black and white, and "Back in Black" by the legendary AC/DC hits... and out come Reeve and Axl, only now wearing matching 'mWo' shirts. Hm... mWo? Doesn't ring a banner... I mean BELL! ]
Wes: What are they DOING?!
Rex: I know, right?! Actually coming back to this dump... on PURPOSE?! Maybe they accidentally got this place mistaken for the bathroom... only logical explanation...
[Axl and Reeve arch their arms, and point to the entrance in the old "OutSiders" style... and out struts a man by the name of... aw fuck, come on folks, if you don't know who this guy is by now, then seriously, you must not actually be reading this. ... You... ARE reading this, right? I put alot of hard work into... I mean, the writer put ALOT of hard work into this! That was a close one...]
Wes: Oh... my... GOD! It's him!
Rex: Seriously, I have no fuckin' clue who that guy is... His hair's a damned mess though! He needs an afro pick or somethin. :134:
Wes: It's THE Mac!!! THE MAC, REX, THE MAC!
Rex: ... Sooo... he's not just a run of the mill Mac? He's THE absolute Mac? Damn... I feel honored to be in his prescence. But I STILL don't know who the FUCK he is. And I'm still questioning if turning down that suicide doctor was a good idea...
[Mac grabs a microphone, and begins to speak.]
MB: LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLadies and GENTLEMEN, boys and girls, children... of all ages. Allow me to introduce myself... I AM... THE Mac Bry. And after buying both Jack Hoff AND Eric Russo-Kennedy McHeyman's shares in this company, I AM now... the new SOLE owner of WSE! Folks, what you're looking at now is the NEW regime of this... the new -
Axl & Reeve: AND IMPROVED!!!
MB: - World Sports Entertainment! And as of this very second... all the titles are vacated!
Axl: Both of 'em!
MB: And tonight, we WILL declare the new title holders! And how you may ask? Simple... a tournament for the Xtrmkor Title... and a Royal Royale for the World Sports Entertainment Title! The winners of both matches WILL defend their newly aquired gold at the first WSE paper-view of 2010... Kissy Face Snuggle Bunny Day!
Rex: What in the FUCK kinda name for a WRESTLING event is that?!
MB: This isn't WRESTLING, buddy boy...
Reeve: It's SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!
Axl: Yeah, get it right!
Rex: Ugh...
Sucka [from the ring]: Hey dawg, you interrupted mah damn promo! You BEST git tah steppin', biz-nitch!
Reeve: FOO'!!!
Sucka: ... Huh?
MB: You heard him, Sucka! Reeve wants a piece of your ass!
Sucka: He can HAVE a piece ah mah black ass! I got plenty more where that came from! Cuz I's black! And... well, I gotta big ol' ass! Squeezy squeezy!
MB: He wants it, you're willing to give it... dammit, we've got a match! Reeve Gordon, Sucka T... WSE's first EVER "Match of Ten Thousand Pillows"! And that's the bottom line, cuz THE Mac... has... SPOKAAANNN!!!
Wes: Well sports fans, you've heard our brand new Chairman! As his first official act, he's stripped both Ultimo MADDEN and Redd W. Bloo of their gold, and is putting the straps on the line in a tournament and the 2010 Royal Royale. And to add to that, he's now made the first match-up for the Xtrmkor Tourney... the returning Sucka T, vs Mac's mWo cohort, Reeve Gordon!
Rex: I have to say... I could not care LESS about everything you just said. You got fifteen bucks, cuz I'm thinkin' about calling a cab...
Wes: And we'll have all of this EXCITING action, after these ads for Hannah Montana, Miley Cyrus, and of course, Hannah Montana!
Rex: Yip-fuckin'-ee...
|ads|
[We return, backstage at the Hell Hole, where Tad "The Tool" Griswold, WSE's resident roving reporter, is awaiting the arrival of the "HollyWood Highlight", "The Samon Movie Machine", HollyRock. Suddenly -]
Wes: BLOCKBUSTER!!! HollyRock just hit the modified rock bottom on Tad for no apparent reason, but obviously he's a face!
Rex: ... Obviously.
HollyRock: *grabs the microphone* "FINALLY... Disney has made a movie that even the most hardcore wrestling fanatic can salivate over! The Rock Solid Truth is, if you like family friendly entertainment... and pie... then you'll LOVE HollyRock's greatest film yet, produced by Disney, and marketed at children in a corporate sea of mediocrity! IF YA WAAATCH... HollyRock's NEW MOVIE, Three-Legged Race to Wisconsin! Available now at BlockBlusters ACROSS AMERICA!!!"
[HollyRock performs THE most electrifyin' move in e-Sports Entertainment, which is of course raising his eyebrow and looking at the camera.]
Wes: ELECTRIFYIN'!!!
Rex: Yup.
Wes: Come on Rex, show a LITTLE more enthusiasm atleast!
Rex: Uh... Yup!
Wes: ... Better.
[As 'Rock heads off, the "Rated G Stupid Star", Nickey Mowse, walks onto the scene... staring down at the fallen Griswold. He shakes his head, and whispers to himself...]
Mowse: WSE must clean up its act... for the children.
===============
SAVE ME FROM THESE YAKS, TONY!!!
===============
SAVE ME FROM THESE YAKS, TONY!!!
===============
Howard Fecal: The following contest is the first ever "Match of Ten Thousand Pillows"!!!
Rex: He says that as if it's a good thing...
Wes: Welcome back to WSE Nitro, sports fans! Sucka T is already in the ring, and Reeve is now climbing in. As -
Good ol' Ben Joss: Folks, this one oughta be one catch-em-as-you-can-catch, mama-said-knock-you-down-drag-out, hell-fahr-raisin', tuna-bakin', slap-yer-commie-soap BAH GAWD BAH GAWD RATTLESNAKE~!!! match.
Rex / Wes: ...
Fecal: First, standing in the corner to my right, and now residing in Funky Like A Monkey, Texas...
Rex: I guess Harlem was too "hood" for widdle ol' Sucka T.
Wes: He's a legit gangstah, Rex! In fact, he refers to everyone as "dawg"! ... So... so there!
Fecal: ... SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA T!
Wes: Sucka is standing atop the turnbuckle, raising his fists and pumping up the crowd...
Rex: He's gonna need a MIGHTY large pump...
[Sucka continues to raise his fists in the air... when suddenly, from behind, Reeve slams a throw pillow over the back of T's big black ass.]
Wes: What a cheap shot!
Rex: And man... I gotta tell ya. You just DON'T mess with a black man's ass. I may hate Sucka... but I feel sorry for poor Reeve.
Wes: The rules of this match are simple, sports fans. The ring has been surrounded by pillows of every variety, and over each corner post hangs a pillowcase. Inside three of the four pillowcases are three seperate weapons, while inside the fourth pillowcase is a golden ticket. The first man to snatch-
Rex: Heheh.
Wes: - the ticket, will advance to the next round of the tournament.
Rex: Great... wake me when it's over.
Wes: For those actually interested in the match... Reeve is simply taking it to Sucka early on here, thanks to that sneak attack. Reeve has already brought in a few throw pillows, travel pillows, neck pillows, even some sofa cushions. Reeve grabs a pillow, reels back, and swings the pillow straight into the head of Sucka, with the force of a mighty hurricane...
Rex: A drunken Hurricane? Because I hear those are dangerous this season.
Wes: ... and it nearly takes off Sucka's head! Sucka is left sprawled out on the canvas, and Reeve is heading to a corner, to perhaps introduce one of the weapons to the match, or perhaps find the golden ticket...
Rex: What in the HELL is... OH MY GOD!!!
Wes: Am I seeing this right, or... is that...
BJ: As God as my witness, that dildo is gonna break Sucka T in half!!!
Rex: DAMNIT!! I can't believe I missed Hot Lesbian Fighting Championship for THIS!!!
Wes: Reeve Gordon has pulled a STRAP-ON DILDO from one of the pillowcases!
Rex: Trust me, that can be used as a weapon. Those things hurt.
Wes: ... And you know this because... ?
Rex: ... Er...
BJ: BAH GAWD!
Wes: My point, exactly... Reeve grabs the dildo in his... hands. Egh... With Sucka lying on his stomach, rear up in the air, Reeve lifts the phallic device high into the air... and...
BJ: BAH GAWD, HOLY MOTHER LOVIN' PANCAKE EATIN' JIMMY JACK JESUS ABOVE, SUCKA T'S ASS HAS JUST BEEN BROKEN IN HALF!!!!!~1
Rex: Oh holy hell...
Wes: Yes sports fans, Reeve just STUFFED that dildo straight into the rear of Sucka T! And Sucka shoots straight up off of the mat in pain! Sucka runs... right into the corner post! And he's out like a light!
Rex: This is the most god awful display I have EVER witnessed... and I watched an episode of 'That's So Raven'... Not good.
Wes: Reeve is moving toward another corner, and another possible weapon... or possibly the golden ticket. But wait a minute! Sucka has got a BEANBAG CHAIR!
BJ: This could do it, folks! I can tell ya right now, that beanbag chair ain't made out ah candy!
Rex: ... What?
Wes: Candy, Rex... just nod your head 'yes', and pretend he makes sense.
Rex: ...
Wes: Sucka is rushing toward Reeve with the beanbag chair... he raises it over his head, and takes a swing... but Reeve hits a drop-toe-hold!!! Sucka drops forward, and he slams face first into the bean-filled chair! With his opponent on the mat, Reeve heads up top, and brings down another pillowcase... he reaches in... and pulls out...
Rex: What is that... Is that a framed picture of Axl? ... Half-naked... Eww... I need to go wash my eyes out... Or maybe gouge them out...
Wes: It's Reeve's partner in the ComingOutsiders... Wait... I think I may have just figured out where they got that name...
Rex: Hey! Axl and Reeve are NOT GAY! They're just... heterosexually challenged...
BJ: AXL SHOT! AXL SHOT! BAH GAWD, AXL SHOT!
Wes: Indeed, Reeve just slammed that framed picture of Axl over the head of Sucka. The picture of Reeve's boyfriend -
Rex: HEY!
Wes: - is left wrapped around Sucka's head.... just as Reeve SPEARS Sucka, back-first, into the corner, before slamming a few shoulder shots into the Harlem GlobeTrotter's gut.
Rex: Sucka T's a Harlem Globetrotter? Since when?
Wes: No, it's just... his former hometown... Screw it, let's just stick to calling him Sucka.
Rex: Fine with me.
Wes: Reeve towers over Sucka... sending straight fists, one after the other, into the skull of the man from Funky like a Monkey, Texas. Reeve looks up, and finds a third pillowcase looming overhead... he pulls it down, reaches in, and secures... what in the hell is that?
Rex: It looks like some kinda... magic spell book?
Wes: Wow... Well, irregardless, Reeve reads through the book, until he comes upon something... "The Show" reads from the tome...
Reeve: Ninth Wonder-us... Walt-manicus... Celeb-box-inucus... Female-penis-iticus!!!
Rex: ... What kinda fucked up magic words are - WHAT THE-?!?!
BJ: Bah Gawd, folks, that woman is a HOSS!!!
Wes: Ladies and Gentlemen... Sucka T has just transformed into Joanie Laurer... this is just...
Rex: Now... I've seen everything. Poor Sucka... first rammed up the ass by a dildo, then slammed over the skull by a picture of a half-naked man... and now turned into a woman. A very MANLY woman... but still a woman.
Wes: Chyna/Sucka/Whatever IT is, begins to look at 'her' hands... and smiles.
Chyna: CHYNA SMASH!!!
Reeve: Uh... oh. I think I made a boo boo. I was looking for the spell to turn him into Torrie Wilson... musta got lost somewhere... VERY, very lost... Shit.
['Chyna' grabs Reeve, before hoisting him above 'her' head, into a gorrila press slam position... and drops the poor guy flat on his face. "The 9th Wonder of the World" then turns 'her' attention to Mac, who is still outside the ring, anxiously anticipating his friend's hopeful win... Chyna/Nikki storms over to the side of the ring near Mac, and reaches out to grab Mac... Mac looks a bit shocked by the massive frame before him...]
Rex: I would too... that THING'S a BEAST!
Wes: Oh come now, Rex, Joanie's not that bad.
Rex: Would you do her?
Wes: FUCK no...
Rex: Case closed. But wait! While Sucka, Chyna, Joanie, WHATEVER is distracted with Mac... Reeve is headed toward the final pillowcase!
Wes: 'Chyna' pulls Mac up OFF the floor, into the ring, and goes for a punch, but Mac blocks it, and twists 'Chyna's' fist around, applying pressure, almost into a bit of a submission hold! Mac is actually countering that behemoth! ... Well, for all of five seconds. Mac goes for a kick to the gut of Chyna/Sucka while grabbing onto her/his fist... but the "9th Wonder" grabs Mac's leg! Chyna/Sucka then pulls in Mac... and rips into him with a simply vicous clothesline, sending him colliding with the canvas. Chyna/Sucka then picks up THE Mac, tosses him between her/his legs, picks him up... and this COULD be a huuuge powerbomb! We might need Jack Hoff to come back and take the reigns after all! Mac might be DONE! ... But Reeve just pulled down the final pillowcase, and the golden ticket with it!
Rex: He's got the golden ticket, he's got the golden tickeeettt!!! Haha, gotta love some Wonka...
Reeve: Hand-birthicus... Saggin'-puppy-cus!!!
Wes: OH MY GOD!!! After snatching -
Rex: Heheh!
Wes: - the ticket, Reeve picked the spell book back up... and Chyna/Sucka just transformed into MAE YOUNG/Sucka!!! And with that, Mac falls right on top of the now frail Sucka... squashing him under THE Mac's weight!
Mae/Sucka: I've fallen... and I can't get up!!! ... SUCKAAA!!! *cough, hack, weeze*
Rex: Eww... one nasty looking woman just turned into an even nastier looking woman... this match... lemme tell ya, this ended up even worse than I expected.
Wes: You can say that again...
Rex: This ended up even worse than -
Wes: REX!
Rex: Well...
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===============
So... You Think You're UnTouchable?
===============
So... You Think You're UnTouchable?
===============
[We return to the ring, where Mac holds the microphone...]
Mac: I've decided to make the next tournament match a "Pick Your Own Lumberjacks" match. And it will feature my second in command, Axl... Van... Halen!
Wes: We're being joined, once more, by the mWo's lead commentator, Good ol' Ben Joss.
Rex: Ben, could you tell everyone at home your initials?
Ben: Well, bah gawd folks, it's Good ol' BJ!
Wes: I don't see what this has to do -
Rex: BJ!!! As in, I'd like our Chairman's girlfriend, Krystal Dawn, to give me a big ol' sloppy BJ!
Krystal Dawn: I can hear you, Rex! I'm sitting RIGHT over here at ringside, about two feet away from you... remember?
Rex: Sorry, I was too busy looking down your shirt!
BJ: Puppies!!!
Rex: Wrong rip-off, Ben. But you're not kiddin'... Why don't we forget about the match and spend the next twenty minutes watching Krys strip!
Krys: Or we could watch Mac, Axl and Reeve take turns kicking your ass?
Rex: ... Go right ahead with the introduction, Mr. Bry...
MB: FIRST, already in the ring to my left... he is one half of the Coming Outsiders, and is being accompanied by his lumberjacks; myself, Reeve Gordon, my gorgeous babe Krystal Dawn, and Good ol' BJ... it's AXL!
Rex: ... Mac's sure Ben Joss is a good choice for a lumberjack? I mean, shouldn't lumberjacks be able to walk an inch without passing out from exhaustion?
MB: And his opponent, ALSO already in the ring... Johnnnn SEMEN!!!
["Basik Ekonomix" plays on the speakers, as the fans in the Hell Hole are coming alive... well, atleast the pre-pubescent female contingent. Semen stands tall in the ring, flashing various random hand gestures.]
Wes: Listen to that crowd roar!
Rex: Oh yeah, more like 'squeel'... buncha friggin' teenage girls. Why don't they squeel like that when I come to the desk?
Wes: Maybe because they're not into the whole 'perverted, middle-aged man' thing, I dunno.
Rex: I am NOT middle-aged! I'll have you know I'm... I'm 21! In fact... I just turned 21 last Monday! ... And just in case any women around my age, around as in 19, 18... 17 with parents' consent... would like to chat, my AIM screen-name is 'rexisnotmiddleageadandisseriouslybetterlookingthanheappearsontvjustaskhim@aol.com'. Boy has THAT sn come in handy over the past five years...
Wes: You're one desperate little man, Rex...
BJ: Folks, we gots you one helluva whipper-snapper fer all yall right'chere too-night! Too-night, right'chere, in this here ver-ah ring, we're-ah gonna be seein' a dad gum 12 man Classix Survivor : China : Series Elimee-nation match-up contest of wrasslin' skill! "The Totally Packaged" John Loogie, along with that der Five Disciples of Christ, is gonna be takin' on the one and only "CONE STOLD! CONE STOLD! BAH GAWD CONE STOLD!" Axl, along with his team pardners, Da Sissified Bitch, Mac "Scawlded Dawg" Banndito, Mr. Reeve Gordon... Reeve Gordon, an' ah course, "Done Got Smacked Like a Bitch" Smackerbitch!!! All that, plus HELLFAHR AND BRIMSTONE LIGHT!!!~1, right after these hahr commercialized adver-ee-tisements of break-ocitude!
Wes / Rex: ...
Wes: Did you make out a word he just said, Rex?
Rex: Not a one...
Semen: YO, YO, YO, YO, YO... YO! Lemme speak on dis...
Mistah Axl Van Halen, Reevie boy, Mac and the bunch...
Y'allz about tah make Semen lose his damn lunch!
All y'all, walkin' 'round, thinkin' y'all the best,
Walkin' 'Round the lockeroom like ya have a mothah-fuckin' 'S' on ya chest
Just cuz you mWo, you think yo' ass is fah life...
But you dead-ah then Ryan O'Neal's woulda been wife!
The fact of the mattah, without a shadow of a doubt,
Without a question in yo' mind, yo' pussy asses the WSE could do without!
And that's not to say it's worth a damn it's own self, but face facts, jackass
Next to a punk ass bitch like Mac, a fat ass like Jack Hoff's first class!
Since you got to the buildin' this mornin', y'all sayin' to anyone that'd lend an ear,
That they sucked, and you rocked, and you'd guzzle down a beer.
But as time rolled by, Nitro drew close-ah, and we realized you muh-fuckas couldn't hack this,
It was more obvious than Krystal Dawn's fake tits that y'all would even make a guy named Shane slit his own wrists!
So, ya fat sacks ah shit, I hope you have ya bags packed
Cuz by the time this show's ov-ah, your dumb asses is gettin' jacked!
You can huff and you can puff.
Ain't no way you can blow dis company down.
In case you didn't notice, dis hurr's WORLD Sports Entertainment...
Not MAC'S WORLD Sports Entertainment... so you can step up to the window and collect ya payment.
Cuz the Semen's handin' out the checks tonight, five dollah fist drops for every mWo bastard in sight,
Nobody hits harder than the Chain Gang of Love Soldier... nobody runs, jumps, leaps faster, blastin' through job-bahs like kryptonite,
And THE Mac can kiss THE Ass of every last fan in the stands 'fer he git blast full a dynamite.
Mac... yo' days ah numb-ahd. You just don't know it yet.
But as soon as you stepped through that door... each and every WSE member placed a bet.
Took you an HOUR... and you've already pissed off every man in the back.
Course, lookin' at THE Zine, seems yo' record's still on track.
Face it, powder puff... you hated everywhere you go. WSE be no different.
The Zine's where you started your demise...
... WSE be where you finish it.
A change IS comin'... it's on the horizon as close as I can touch.
But as for you, ya chick, ya buddies... heh, well... WSE and its fans just don't give... a...
Fans: FUCK~!!!
Wes: Well. ... Mac is talking to the ref... and now Mac's getting on the microphone.
Mac: Change of plans. BJ, commentary duties, as it should be. Krystal... referee duties, as you've always proven to be an asset in the past.
Rex: Asset? He's got THAT right.
She sure fills out that referee's shirt out nice, if you catch my drift.Wes: Yeah, I think I do.
Rex: She can ring MY bell, if you know what I mean!
Wes: Well, she's not the timekeeper, but I know what you mean...
Rex: She could introduce my "entrance" any day!
Wes: ... WOULD YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THE DAMN MATCH?!
Rex: Well sorry... But don't hold it against me! ... Hold HER against me!
Wes: YOU'RE DESPICABLE!!!~!
Mac: Reeve, special enforcer... and as for me... well...
[Mac suddenly pounces on Semen, before grabbing the microphone, crushing John's throat down with his fist.]
Mac: Consider yourself priviledged, Semen... you've just entered yourself into the first handicap match of WSE's new regime. Now choke on THAT... slapnuts.
Wes: This is a damn sham!
Rex: Ha! This is what I'm talkin' about! I am SOOO happy we got rid of Hoff... Mac is THE Man!!!
Wes: *sigh* This is horrible...
Rex: Wes, this is the only time this show HASN'T been horrible! Mac is the best thing that's happened to this fed in... well, EVER!
Wes: Mac and Axl are beating down Semen... when Semen rolls out of the ring. Semen walks over to Reeve... right fist to the jaw!
Rex: Hey, that was uncalled for!
Wes: Semen is just taking out mWo members left and right, before they get to HIM. Axl and Mac roll outside, and head for Semen... but Semen sends a forearm to the face of Mac, sending him crashing down to the floor. John then smacks Axl across the face with a left fist, and Axl stumbles back a few steps, turns around, and stops in front of Krystal Dawn, the two of them conversing...
Rex: This is no time for "conversing" Axl, kick the wigger's wiggin' ass!
[Axl continues to chat with Krys, when John walks toward Axl's turned back... right before Axe quickly runs behind Krystal, as Semen stops dead in his tracks.]
Axl: WHAT?! You're going to hit a woman, huh?! Is THAT how the game's played?! Hitting a defenseless woman?! SHAME!!!
Mac: Hey now! You can't use my girl as a shield!
Axl: But...
Krys: Yeah, tell him sweetie!
Axl: But Mac... don't you want me to win?!
Mac: Oh... yeah, that's right... sorry Krys, but you're gonna have to take one for the team on this one!
Krys: !!!!!!!
Mac: Sorry hun!
Wes: John thinks for a second... before pulling out a wad of cash.
Krys: ... What's that for?
Semen: You let me beat that dipshit's ass, I'll give you this. Go buy yourself somethin' pretty.
Krys: Oooo! You got it, dude!
Rex: What the... THE HELL?! Krystal just took the money and ran!
Mac: KRYSTAL! Get your ass back here before... uh... before I... hold my breath!
Axl: Oh, he'll do it too, I've seen him!
Mac: Krys... Krystal?! ... FUCK!
Wes: Well, it appears as if the ref has LEFT the building!
Mac: Dammit... looks like we'll have to go with plan b.
[Mac rips off his mWo shirt... revealing a ref shirt.]
Rex: Ah HA! BRILLIANT!
Wes: Oh brother...
Mac: Reeve, take my place! It's now you and Axl vs Semen!
Reeve: Ai yai, mine capitan!
Wes: This can't BE!
Rex: But it is! Reeve and Axl are pounding away on John Semen, and Mac is ready to count the pinfall as soon as he humanly can! And it's absolutely PERFECT!
Wes: Axl just snapmared Semen over his shoulder, and now he's putting on a dragon sleeper.
Rex: If these two were in the ring with Semen, I bet it wouldn't be too long before the bell was rung and John picked up the #1 Contendership.
Wes: But as it stands, they're on the outside, and falls DON'T count out there!
Mac: Oh yes they do!
Wes: I stand corrected...
Rex: YES! Pin that wigger ass, Reeve! Axl! Do your buddy proud!
Wes: Reeve now has a chair, and Axl a lead pipe. Reeve lifts the chair overhead, but Semen quickly picks Reeve's leg, dropping Reeve down, face first onto the steel! And now Semen's locked on the Shut The Fuck Up, the modified STFU! Semen holds Reeve in that devestating submission... Axl is speeding toward the Chain Gang of Love Soldier with the pipe, but Semen quickly releases the hold, and easily back body drops Axl up and over the barricade, into a fan who was holding a drink... the drink spilling all over Axl!
Fan: HEY! I was drinking that! You're gonna pay, ya damn jobber!
Rex: Hey! That dick is beating up Axl!
Wes: That "dick" happens to be a paying customer.
Rex: You mean as in he was paid to be here?
Wes: ... Yes.
[The fan tosses Axl back over the barricade.]
Wes: Semen now has Reeve in a sharpshooter... he might just tap...
BJ: DRUNK ASS! DRUNK ASS! BAH GAWD, DRUNK ASS!
Rex: What are you on about - Hey! BJ's right... for once. WSE former Stupid Star, "Drunk Ass" Austin Stevens just came in and hit the Drunk Ass Drop on both Reeve AND Axl! That drunken BASTARD!
Wes: It looks like the hatred WSE's loyalists have for Mac and the mWo is REAL! And it's so real that "Drunk Ass" HAD to return, just to give those two a piece of his mind!
Mac: You creep! You can't do that! Do you know who those men are?! They're my hand-PICKED opponents for John Semen! And another thing -
[Austin Stevens is now standing right before Mac, staring him directly in the eyes.]
MB: Er... uhm... as... uh, as I was saying... yeah...
Drunk Ass: You talkin' tah me, boy? Huh? WHAT?! I said you talkin' tah ol' Drunk Ass?! Am I holdin' four fingers in front ah my eyes, huh?!
MB: Um... you're not holding ANY fingers in front of your eyes...
Drunk Ass: Oh... my bad. Ol' Drunk Ass is... well, drunk off his ass, and he cain't see so good... he thinks WHAT?! I said he thinks he hears a ringin' but that's probably just the damn WHAT?! Just the damn buzz... Friggin' beer... I'll Drunk Ass Drop that beer, it wants tah fight ol' Drunk Ass, I'mma tell ya what!
MB: ... Ok.
BJ: DRUNK ASS DROP TO MB!!!
MB: Hey, he did no such thing!
BJ: Sorry, instinct...
Drunk Ass: Mac, I had enough ah you runnin' yer lil' ol' milee mouthed mouth about WSE and how much it sucks, WHAT?! I said how much it sucks! It sucks, but not THAT damn much! So, what I'mma do, is challenge you to a match! *hic* Yup, that sounds like a good idea right about now... when I'm drunk...
MB: Well... as much as I'd love to do that, and believe me... I wouldn't... I think you'd be better suited to enter this tournament! So... after Axl and Reeve finish up kicking Semen's rear, it'll be you, versus the Ultimate Fighting Chickenshit, Gruel Renshaw! How's that sound? ... Stevens? ... Austin Stevens?
[Mac looks down... to find Drunk Ass passed out at THE Mac's feet.]
MB: Welp... looking forward to THAT match...
Wes: John Semen has rolled Axl back into the ring, and he goes for the pin, this should do it.
Mac: 1................................................ 2......................
[Semen stands up, and shoves Mac.]
Semen: What, can you not count to three?!
MB: Well, actually, to tell ya the truth...
Wes: OH MY GOD! Axl just rolled Jim up from behind! Oh, and NOW Mac can count just FINE!
Rex: 1...2... DAMN!
BJ: OH BAH GAWD!!!~! As Gawd as my witness, the Axe man ALMOST cameth!
Rex: Well... he almost WON, if that's what you mean... that certain phrase sort of invokes improper imagery...
Wes: I'm sure if he was pinning Reeve, he'd have come without hesitation...
Rex: SHUT UP!
Wes:
Rex: Asshole...
Wes: Semen kicks out, but Axl picks him up... whips him into the ropes... and on the return, he lifts him up in a flapjack, and WOW! Reeve comes out of nowhere, following up on the move in some sort of Dudley-esque Deathdrop-style move of some sort!
Rex: Oh come now, Mike, I think everyone knows what that is! It's uh... the Team 3D Finisher!
Wes: I think that'll work for the copyright hounds... Reeve and Axl slap fives... and BOTH of them pin Semen! And Mac counts the FASTEST pinfall I've ever seen... Crap.
BJ: TUNA!!!!!
Wes: Yes Ben, tuna, that pretty much sums it all up. Reeve starts pounding away fists to the mush of Semen after the match... Dammit, is this REALLY neccessary?
Rex: Yes! And very much so!
[Reeve and Axl finally stomp Semen out of the ring... before Mac smiles complacently to himself... and speaks into a microphone.]
Mac: Axl... Reeve... let's do this thing!
Wes: Mac signals for the bell... which is rung. Reeve and Axl circle one another...
Rex: Oh, I wish they could just BOTH have the damn belt. But I read the script, so I'm not putting all my eggs in THAT basket...
Wes: Reeve nears Axl... Axl nears Reeve... and Axl... Axl just poked Reeve with his forefinger. ... And Reeve FALLS?!
Rex: ... YES! It's the Revenge of the Fingerpoke of Doom : This Time it's Personal!
Wes: Axl goes for the pin, and Reeve is... Reeve's listening to an iPod. This is the most LUDICROUS match I have EVER witnessed...
Rex: Even more ludicrous than the past... what, 39 ridiculously ridiculous WSE matches?
Wes: Even moreso.
Mac: 1, 2, 3... Your winner, and advancing to the next round of the Xtrmkor tournament - AXL~!!!
Wes: Now I'M hating this show...
Rex: And ironically? I'm lovin' it!!!
Wes: Sports fans... we'll be back.
===============
N-I-C... See ya real soon...
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N-I-C... See ya real soon...
===============
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[Disney's Zack and Cody are backstage...
... lying in a pool of their own blood!]
Wes: What on EARTH?!
Rex: Who would harm Dylan and Cole?! They're about the only actors worth a shit on this stinkin' channel, and somebody has to go and MASSACRE 'EM?! Is there no JUSTICE!!!
Wes: Well sports fans, while we try and sort that out, let's send it to the ring, where we're ready for our next tournament match... Gruel Renshaw, who's already in the ring, versus THIS man...
Rex: Guess who's gonna win... go 'head, guess. The guy that's NOT already in the ring.
[The sounds of glass shattering can be heard, before Godsmack's "Whiskey Hangover" hits... and out stomps 'Drunk Ass' Austin Stevens, the hero to millions of WSE fanatics!]
Rex: I WISH we had millions... even HUNDREDS of fans... then I'd actually have a reason to stick around next to your ass, Wes...
Wes: Irregardless, Stevens is stomping to the ring, Gruel obviously shaking in his boots... Stevens rolls into the ring...
DRUNK ASS DROP!
Ref: 1... 2... 3!
Wes: And that's it!
Rex: Told ya so... Drunk Ass has a certain way with his matches. A certain way of ending every one of them in about five seconds or less...
Wes: Sports fans, we're gonna take another look at EVERY detail of that match!
[drunk ass drop, 1, 2, 3]
Wes: And now, in slow motion!
[drrrruuuunnnnkkkkkk aaaaasssss drrrooooppppp, ooooonnnneeee, twwwoooo, threeeeeeee]
Wes: And now in fast motion!
[drunkassdroponetwothree]
Wes: And now in Portugese!
Rex: WILL YOU STOP IT!!! Geez, and they call YOU the level-headed one?
Wes: Just trying to pad out that match... needs all it can get. Moving right along -
[Suddenly, "It's a Small World Land" by the Goof Troop hits, and a pre-recorded "N-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-W-S-E!" chant fills through the speakers... as "The Rated G Stupid Star" mosies out from behind the curtains.]
Wes: Wait a minute, what's that guy doing out here?
Rex: I dunno, but he's not with the mWo, so my attention span just dropped back to zilch...
Wes: Nickey Mowse was, for those that don't know, the OFFICIAL spokesman for Disney's "DisneyWorldLand" amusement park, located in CaliFlorida. DisneyWorldLand WAS meant to be the new home of WSE, but... well, we sorta burnt the place down.
Rex: I told Jack Hoff not to cook a 500 ton mass of lard ontop of the Epcot Center 2.0, but did he listen? Nooo... good RIDDANCE to him, is what I say! Long live the Mac Regime!
Wes: Anyway, Disney has graciously allowed us to stay on with the Channel... in return for promoting the hell out of Nickey. Nickey who is, now that DisneyWorldLand is no more, the star of a new reality based program they've got going ; Life Behind the Ears : The Story of One of Those Losers Wearing the Mickey Mouse Costumes at DisneyWorld that Gets Beat Up all the Time By Kids .
Rex: Aren't they so kind. Letting us stay on this channel I hate if we keep around the costumed dipshit I hate. PERFECT...
Wes: Nickey's in the ring, and he apparently has something to say...
Nickey: First, one of this company's workers is injured. That... I can live with. The Disney Corporation can live with it. Everything's honkey dorey, peachy keen, fun-tastic. BUT... somebody MESSED with the WRONG set of TWINS! Nobody lays a finger on the Sprouse twins and gets away with it! WSE has lived in its own crapulence for too long. ... But that's fine. What the Disney Corporation WILL NOT STAND BY and watch, is when violence... sex... and especially Sex AND Violence are perpetrated in a company it's affiliated with! Crappy products... we've come to adjust to the normality of that. We've had to... it's all we produce any more. ... But we will NOT let the SACRED 'G' Rating go ANY higher than PG!!! WWE can let their filth be graded with the EVIL '13'... but not US! The Disney Corporation is genuine! The Disney Corporation is good, and righteous, and pure! The Disney Corporation is -
? : The Disney-ah Corporation is-ah buncha pasta fazooli!!!
[The audience POPS! Can you believe that?! ... No? Damn. Well, anyway, Major Mario comes out, in his red and blue fatigues, and smiles that mustachioed grin of his.]
Major Mario: Nickey-ah! Why-ah you make-ah Mario angry, fuh, eh?! You won't-ah like the Major when-ah he angry!!!
Nickey Mowse: Mario, Nintendo's just as much a family-friendly company as Disney, why are you interfering on these people's behalf! They DON'T know what's best for themselves, it's obvious! Why do you think they elected George W. Bush as PRESIDENT! A SECOND TIME?! It's obvious they're incapable of making decisions themselves! Especially Florida...
Mario: You-ah wanna know the difference between Nintendo and Disney? It's-ah simple. Nintendo is STILL producing something now that Disney USED to know-ah about... a lil' sumpin' I like to refer to as ENTERTAINMENT! Nintendo knows that, to truly offer entertainment, ya can't restrict-ah your product-ah! Ya can't focus on ONE demographic-ah! You think Disney would evah put out a Resident Evil movie? I don't give a koopa's shell WHAT you think, Nickey muh boy, cuz the truth is... Disney's lost its curve. It's fallen intah the same rut that companies like WWE, shows like SNL, and PEOPLE like YOU have! You've all forgotten what is to just have FUN. And more importantly, to make somethin' fun! And to make somethin' fun, ya gotta do more than just TALK about it... ya gotta ACT on it, ya pepperoni-brained goomba biter!
Mac *from the Not-The-Titan-Tron* : Firstly... from now on, this is the iMAC !!! The Not-The-Titan-Tron is sooo 2009! This is a new decade Narrator, get with the program!
[Raza frackin'...]
Mac: Anyhell, MARIO! You want 'action'? You got it! Right now, it's you and Nickey... in a STREETFIGHT!
Wes: Mac has struck again!
Rex: And he's turning it up a notch! Reeve's in the next round of the tournament, Axl, Drunk Ass... and now it'll either be Major Mario or Nickey Mowse! And my money's on the Mowse!
Wes: Maybe because your money's contractually OBLIGATED to be "on the Mowse"... thanks to Disney?
Rex: ... Maybe.
Wes: The ref signals for the bell, and this one's underway. And they waste no time, as Mario and Mowse are vicously tearing into one another with fists of fury. Mario sends one more fist toward the skull of Mowse, who grabs the fist, twisting it behind the back of Mowse, applying a hammerlock! But Mario reaches his free arm up behind him, hooks Mowse's head... and snaps off a quick stunner!
Rex: Dammit Nickey, get back in this one! And by the way, my comments on this match are paid for by Disney. Disney - We're Gonna Make You Smile. Whether You Like It Or Not.
Wes: Jeez... good ol' Walt, always going for the hard sell... Anyway, Mowse is sent reeling back, before tumbling through the ropes and crashing to the outside. Mario drops to the mat and rolls to the outside, sending a few stomps to the side and head of Mowse. After taking a bit of abuse, Mowse manages to take hold of Mario's ankle, trip him to the ground, and float over into a headlock on the Mushroom Kingdom Menace.
Rex: My boy Mowse has trapped Mario in a Subcon-sized headlock.
Wes: I don't think Mario would appreciate that comment...
Rex: But Wart would.
Wes: Mowse begins to grind his knuckles into the forehead of Mario while still applying the headlock... Wait, Mario's reaching up and... YES! He's trying to remove the ears!
Rex: HE BETTER NOT! You don't mess with that man's mouse ears!
Wes: Mowse elbows Mario to prevent the ears from being removed, and let's go of the head lock. Mowse takes a few steps away, while Mario makes it to his feet. Before Mario can turn around, Mowse locks on a reverse waistlock, and is about to lift Mario up for a german suplex, when Mario switches behind Mowse... and pulls off a german suplex of his own! And he follows this up by rolling right through, and snaps off another, with a release! It's the Warp-Pipe-Plex!!!
Rex: Dammit all to the minus level!
Wes: Mowse has been dropped on the back of his head, and I'm afraid he may have a broken frickin' neck!
Rex: I don't think Kurt would appreciate that comment!!!
Wes: Cobain?
Rex: ... No.
Wes: Mario grabs Mowse by the collar of his black shirt, and pulls Nickey to his feet, before ramming his back into the corner post. He then hits a snap fisherman suplex, which sends Mowse crashing into the barricade. But just as Mario reaches a vertical base, Mowse is right back up, and clotheslines Mario, taking him off his feet. Mowse rolls Mario back into the ring, and goes for a pin, and picks up a 2 count only. Mowse sends a few forearm shots to the side of Mario's head. Mowse climbs up the corner post... he seems to be going for a moonsault... OH MY GOD! Mario just came to his senses and hit a dropkick, sending Mowse hurtling to the outside and smacking his face on our desk!
Rex: What are you doin' not winning! Start winning! You don't win matches by... uh... not winning! So go in there and... WIN, DAMN YOU, WIN! ... Disney better make this worth it...
Wes: I don't think he can hear you, Rex. He's too worried about the massive headache he has right about now.
Rex: Oh, mind your own damn business, Wes...
Wes: Touchy, are we
Well, Mowse slowly clamors back into the ring, but doesn't have the strength to stand, lying on his back and breathing heavily. Mario lifts Mowse from the canvas, before bouncing off one set of ropes, heading for Mowse... but somehow, Mowse finds the power to snap off a quick belly to belly, bringing Mario down hard to the mat. Both men are left lying... Now they're starting to slowly reach their feet... Mowse and Mario begin to circle eachother... Mowse goes in for the tieup, but Mario easily shoves the "Rated G Stupid Star" off and into the corner. Mario storms forward and leaps into the air, but just as he's about to make impact, Mowse rolls out of the way, and Mario collides with the top turnbuckle. Mario spins around sharply after that violent collision, and slumps against the turnbuckle... Mowse rams a shoulder into the big guy's gut... and follows it up with another, and another. Mowse heads up top and begins driving his fists into Mario's face... but Mario manages to toss Mowse off like a package of sliced cheese!Rex: Man, this is turning out to be an EASY match of the night contender... though, that's not saying much, sadly...
Wes: More than likely. And WHOA! Mario nearly just took Mowse's head clear off with a vile clothesline to the skull, flipping Mowse in mid-air! Mario bounces off one set of ropes, the opposite set of ropes, leaps into the air, and comes crashing down with a massive splash, knocking the air right out of poor Mowse... Rex, "your boy"'s in trouble!
Rex: Give him a bit ah time, won't ya?! Geez, you act like he's laying motionless in the ring!
Wes: He IS laying motionless in the ring!
Rex: Oh... well, he's screwed then.
Wes: And it looks as if it's about to become even worse for the mouse eared one... Mario just went outside and grabbed a steel chair!
Rex: CRAP! He's doomed... the guy's f'n DOOMED I tells ya!
[Mowse slowly makes it to a vertical base, turns around, and gets clobbered with a chair right to the mush by the Plumber Extraordinaire.]
Rex: Dammit to HELL, Mowse's lying on the canvas, and Mario's nearing victory! ALL IS LOST! DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGEEERRR!!!
Mac *from the iMAC* : Hold on, hold the phone! Uh.... This is now a... One Guy Has His Arms Tied Behind His Back Match! ... And standing on one foot! And toss a blindfold in there why dont'cha! Yeah, A One Guy Has His Arms Tied Behind His Back, Standing on One Foot, and BLINDFOLDED Match! So break out the rope and blindfold, ya jackass referee!
Rex: YAHOO!
Wes: In the words of Joey Styles : Oh-my-GOD, Rex, do you seriously believe this is a level playing field?
Rex: ... No? Does it matter?
Wes: I guess not... Either way, the iMAC screen shuts off, as Mario stands on one foot, with both of his arms tied behind his back, and his vision disabled by the blindfold. He couldn't possibly stand a chance now, and Mac must be smiling from ear to ear back in his cushy office!
Rex: NOW we'll determine a TRUE winner!
Wes: ... Are you kidding?
Rex: Hell no! Disney doesn't pay me to kid... and they don't pay me much for what they DO pay me for, either... ... BUT I'M NOT COMPLAINING! ... God, I'm nervous right about now...
Wes: There's no way Major Mario's getting past Nickey Mowse now! This whole damn tournament is HORRENDOUS! It's handicapping half the roster so that Mac's buddies and compatriots can make it into the next round!
Rex: Hey, this is an E-FED... we wouldn't have it any other way.
Wes: And of course, Mowse grabs the steel chair, and... OH MY GAWD! Mario's bleeding on the mat from his nose! This is unbelievable! Dammit, something MUST be done! I thought that bastard Mowse was supposed to be AGAINST violence!
Rex: This is JUST and RIGHT violence for a CAUSE! Or atleast that's what one of the Disney Corporation's producers is yelling into my ear piece...
Wes: Mowse goes for the cover, and this one is more than academic... one, two, three, give me a friggin' BREAK!
Rex: HA! Things are finally lookin' up, Wes! They're FINALLY lookin' up! Change has TRULY arrived in World Sports Entertainment!
Wes: And I'm not so sure I like it...
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Drunk Ass 20:12 says, Helms didn't do nothin' ol' Austin Stevens wouldn't do!
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Drunk Ass 20:12 says, Helms didn't do nothin' ol' Austin Stevens wouldn't do!
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Wes: Sports fans, we're back here in the Hell Hole, here in Nowhere, Oklahoma!
Rex: Unfortunately.
Wes: Reeve Gordon is already in the ring, with his leader, THE Mac Bry, standing outside by the apron.
Rex: All hail THE Mac!
Wes: Jeez, you grow attached to our new Chairmen pretty damn quickly... First Jack Hoff, then Benjamin Tyrell Mason-Morgan, then... Hoff again... now Mac. What's your secret to ass kissing, huh Rex?
Rex: 5 years in Ass Kissing University. It helps tremendously with this career...
Wes: "Whiskey Hangover" plays, and 'Drunk Ass' storms down the ramp... and he's already looking for the Drop... but Reeve shoves Stevens away, and he's rolled to the outside!
Rex: He's catching his breath.
Wes: He's being a chicken shit, that's what he's doing! I'm seriously starting to have it up to HERE with these mWo ass clowns!
Rex: Just accept it, Wes, the hostile takeover has come to fruition! The change... is HERE!
Wes: Either way, Stevens is chasing after Reeve... He ALMOST catches him, but Reeve rolls BACK into the ring... Stevens follows, and... dammit, Reeve has rolled out AGAIN!
Rex: Ha! Brilliant strategy!
Wes: You mean rolling in and out of the ring? Damn Rex, you've got a good point there, I hardly see how ANYONE could think of that.
Rex: Oh can it... bitch.
Wes: Reeve continues to walk... but wait, it's Stevens! Wait... Stevens is... Stevens is in the ring? ... Stevens is both IN the ring and OUTSIDE the ring at the same time! How in the HELL is that possible?!
Rex: Stevens is cheating! He can't be in two places at once, so he's OBVIOUSLY CHEATING!
Wes: The Stevens outside the ring hits the Drop on the already stunned Reeve, and then rolls Reeve into the ring... outside-the-ring-Stevens pulls at the top of his head and... it's a bald cap! And he's pulling off the fake moustache... ... IT'S JOHN SEMEN!!! HOLY HELL! The mWo's scheme is unfoiling before our very eyes!
Rex: FUCK... And now inside the ring, the REAL Stevens is going to town on Reeve! He grabs Reeve by the hair... he raises the double thumbs up... and snaps off the "Drunk Ass Drop"! Say it isn't so! This CAN'T BE IT!
Wes: And... and it's not! Reeve has ACTUALLY kicked out of the Drop! That's gotta be the first time that's EVER happened in the one year history of World Sports Entertainment!
Rex: See! I knew Reeve wasn't like all those others that have fallen to the Drop! He's different! He's mWo! I KNEW he wouldn't be giving up so easily!
Wes: That he isn't. Reeve slides out of the ring to regroup... he actually IS catching his breath this time. Stevens stands mid-ring... and he's checking his inviso-watch.
Rex: His WHAT?!
Wes: His inviso-watch.
Rex: His WHAT?!
Wes: His invisible watch.
Rex: His WHAT?!
Wes: His... dammit Rex, stop that!
Rex: Heehee.
Wes: Stevens immediately rolls out of the ring, and gets in Reeve's face, shoving him up against the fan barricade... Reeve scoffs at this, and bounces back with a forearm shot... but this only pisses off the Arkansas Garter Snake. Stevens comes back with a clothesline attempt, which Reeve ducks underneath and - WAM! Superkick to the back of the head! Austin stumbles forward, slumping against the barricade. Reeve grasps Stevens in his hooks... before planting him with the massive chokeslam! He then leaps into the air and comes crashing back down over Stevens' throat with a big leg drop! Reeve goes for the pin... but unlike a couple of the other matches tonight, pinfalls and submissions only count INSIDE the ring!
Mac: [from the iMAC] Actually... I've decided to instate those rules as the NORM. From now on, unless otherwise stated, there will be no dq's, no count outs, and falls count ANYWHERE in every WSE match! And that's the bottom line... cuz I HAVE SPOKAAANNN!!!~!
Wes: I can't believe that!
Rex: Oh, you can't believe shit! BELIEVE IT, WES! WSE is now HARDCORE!
Wes: Irregardless, Stevens was actually able to kick out of all that! Reeve is coming at Stevens unlike anyone before, but yet Drunk Ass still fights through!
Rex: I bet BBQ Sauce Billy Whats-his-face is sooo happy...
Good ol' BJ: I AM!
Rex: Dammit, thought he was gone...
Good ol' BJ: I AM!
Rex: ...
Wes: Reeve is still trying his damndest to beat Austin to a pulp. Reeve grabs Stevens by the throat with both hands, and lifts him into the air for a double-handed chokeslam... but WOW, Stevens just brought Reeve crashing down with a modified Codebreaker! They're now both lying on the ground... this match might actually tie with Mario/Mowse as match of the show...
Rex: WSE couldn't ACTUALLY be seeing an increase in actual... you know... WRESTLING... could it?
Wes: ...
Rex: Nahhh.
Wes: Parish the thought.
Rex: Double axe handle!!!
Wes: Yes sports fans, Stevens, somehow, someway, felt Reeve coming, and turned around, knocking Reeve off his feet, with an axe handle smash so venomous you could literally FEEL Reeve's pain!
Rex: Just like Bill Clinton!
Wes: Reeve falls to the floor, and Stevens goes for the cover... but gets only a two. Stevens rains stomps down upon Reeve's chest and face, before pulling "The Show" up, grabbing him by the arms in a full nelson... and the Snake hits a picture perfect Full Nelson Slam! And finishes off with a HUGE double, pointed-elbow drop! Stevens goes for the pin...
Ref: 1...2... ... 2... ......... 2... ... 17?
Rex: ... That ref is defective.
Wes: Stevens has just been pissed off due to the referee's slow... or perhaps just stupid... count, and the Garter Snake has ripped the ref from off the floor and is backing him up toward the post... Reeve sneaks up behind and... LOW BLOW! Now that's not right!
Rex: Well what about Stevens belittling the ref?!
Wes: He's a REBEL! Which means he's a face, so he can break the rules if he wants to, so N'YAH!
Rex: Hmph...
Wes: Reeve goes for a pin on Stevens, who's clutching his Snake...
Rex: Heheh... innuendo.
Wes: Reeve gets the two count. He then reaches underneath the ring and grabs a chair...
Rex: MAN there's been alot of 'chairs' tonight... steel chairs, Chairmen... Sonny and Chair.
Wes: That last one... not your best material.
Rex: Ya think? Huh... well, I think I've been hitting them out of the park all night... one foul should go unnoticed, right?
Wes: Just like everything ELSE you've ever done.
Rex: Grr...
Wes: Reeve drops the chair beside the prone Stevens... before pulling a table from out beneath the ring! Reeve slides the table into the ring, and rolls Stevens in afterward. He then grabs the chair and heads inside... Reeve is unloading on Austin Stevens!!!
Rex: This man is simply ripping Stevens apart! I'm SO glad the mWo has arrived, there's never been a band of guys that could put Stevens in his place like these men have tonight!
Wes: But John Semen is still standing ringside, keeping a look out for any possible interference by the likes of Axl or Mac. Meanwhile, Reeve raises the chair above himself and is about to drive the killing blow into Stevens' already sore back... but wait a minute! Axl has run down the ramp and into the ring, past Semen... Semen's up on the apron, yelling for Axl to get out... Axl is... he's standing in front of Reeve, asking for him to drop the chair?! What's going on here?
Rex: Axl puts out his hands, trying to calm down Reeve... what the hell does he need to "calm down" for, he's about to put away Stevens!
Wes: Wait... Axl backs up toward the ring ropes... and he quickly turns around and socks Semen! John falls back-first onto the apron, and Axl rolls Semen into the ring... before lifting him up... and DROPPING him back down with his patented 'Evil-Lution' spinning cross powerbomb, akin to a spinning variation of the 'Razor's Edge'!
Rex: YES! Now it's 2 on 1, and baby, me likey those odds!
Wes: Of course you do... With Semen disposed of, Reeve and Axl are entirely free to do whatever they want, as has been the case all night since Mac took control of this e-promotion... The Coming Outsiders have certainly left their mark on this event.
Rex: Axe and Reeve raise up Stevens... and DROP him with the 3D variant, which I'm being told... repeatedly... is called the "True Believer Drop", or 'TBD'.
Wes: The ComingOutsiders hit the TBD, and Stevens is on a one way trip into a deep, deep coma... Axl rolls out of the ring, leaving Reeve to finish the job. Reeve is loading Stevens up for his finishing maneuvre, the "Finale'", a modifed vertebreaker...
Rex: As always kiddies, modified in NAME alone...
Wes: But Stevens leans into it, and actually flips Reeve into position for his OWN vertebreaker!!!
Rex: What's he call that, the "DUI"? Because something tells me that would be VERY fitting, and I'm not just talkin' 'bout Stevens...
Wes: Reeve is dangling and waggling about to break free... but Stevens HITS IT! And Reeve's neck is damn near snapped in half!
Rex: Poor Tygress.
Wes: Huh?
Rex: Nothin'...
Wes: Stevens goes for the pin... but AGAIN, it's just a two. Stevens backs up a bit, and Reeve slowly reaches a standing position... Stevens rushes in, and Reeve and Stevens are now trading lefts and rights... Stevens sends Reeve into the ropes... Reeve goes for a Diamond Cutter on the return, but Austin turns it around into a backslide pin! And Stevens picks up the one... the two... and the thre-NO! This match is STILL alive!
Rex: And I can NOT Believe I'm saying this... but I'm actually happy about that.
... God, hell must have frozen over...Wes: Reeve stands, but as soon as he does, Stevens soars through the sky... pouncing upon the "Show" with a Lou Thesz press, driving the knuckles into the skull of Gordon.
Rex: Stevens is going off on Reeve like... like... like a rabid monkey or something!
Wes: Rabid monkey or no, Stevens is up... he pulls Reeve to his feet, and whips him into the corner... before heading toward the opposite side... Stevens runs toward Reeve, and drives a BIG boot into Reeve's head, with the sound of leather sole meeting flesh reverberating across the arena. He comes out of the corner, with a side headlock on Reeve, and hits a running bulldog.
Rex: Stevens lifts up Reeve... I'm STILL backing Reeve, even if Austin IS putting on a good display here. ... The fact that Reeve's leader signs my paychecks now has NOTHING to do with that decision...
Wes: Riiight.
Rex: -_-
Wes: Austin is delievering the rights and lefts to the mush of the man they call Reeve, who is struggling to grab the ropes. Reeve finally manages to throw his arms around the bottom rope, and the ref breaks up the barrage of fists. Stevens climbs the corner post... I'm not so certain if this is a wise decision on the part of the Garter Snake...
Rex: But it's a wise decision as far as I'M concerned! Cuz I want the sorry bastard to lose! ... BADLY! GO REEVE!
Wes: Reeve stands up, and Stevens soars through the air, going for a flying clothesline... but Reeve manages to snatch -
Rex: HAHAHA! GOD I love that word...
Wes: - Austin from the air, and drive the man down with a bit of an arm bar drop... floating over into a cross face!
Rex: Next thing ya know he'll be going after little kids with pillows.
Wes: REX!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rex: Hey, that was a reference to the 10,000 Pillows Match earlier, not... oh fuck it. I ain't ashamed.
Wes: That's nothing new... Stevens is reaching for the rope, but Reeve is shoving it away with his boot. Stevens lands a thumb to Reeve's eye, and manages to make it back up... Reeve holds his eyes, and, not being able to see anything, stumbles right into a -
BJ: DRUNK ASS DROP! DRUNK ASS DROP! DRUNK ASS DROP, BAH GAWD!
Wes: No... I was going to say dropkick.
BJ: ... Oh.
Rex: Hold yer damn horses, Ben, we'll cue you when we're ready for your fat ass...
Good ol' Ben Joss: GIT 'R' DUNNN!
Wes: ...
Rex: Hey, you think 'The Writer' might be referencing someone when he uses the name 'Ben'?
Wes: No, why would he?
Rex: Well, there's only a certain lineage of people that hold the name 'Ben'! It's a VERY cherished name!
Wes: ... No it's not. Ben Stiller ring any bells?
Rex: ... Oh. Well there goes that theory...
Wes: Anyway, Stevens collapsed right after nailing the dropkick, so he can't follow up with a cover. Reeve is ALREADY climbing to his feet, with Stevens barely moving.
Rex: Reeve heads over to the fallen drunkard and reaches down... but Drunk Ass rolls him up! He was playing possum all along!
Wes: The ref counts the two, but no three. Drunky stands up and gives the ref an evil look, but decides not to bother with him, and leaves his focus on the mWo-ite, who he whips into the ropes. Once Reeve returns, Drunky leapfrogs over... and pulls off a sunset flip pin, which gets only a two. Drunk Ass pulls Reeve to a vertical base, before hitting a quick snap suplex, and floating over for the pin, which earns him another two count. Reeve is putting up just as much a fight as Austin, and definitely isn't going to go down like all the others Stevens has been stacked up against.
Rex: And that's why I think Austin has a tough, uphill battle ahead of him still.
Wes: He very well may...
Rex: Stevens grabs Reeve by his hair, and pulls him up, but just as he does, Reeve slaps Stevens across the chest vicously with a vile knife-edge chop! Reeve backs up a few steps... and runs in toward Stevens, gore-ing him to the mat. The two roll to the outside, trading fists the entire way... Wait, someone's coming through the audience... it's Krystal Dawn!
Wes: She's finally back in the Hell Hole after taking that pay out from Semen... and she's bought some skull ear-rings.
Rex: Diamond-ey.
Krystal is setting up the table that Reeve slid in a little while ago. Krys rests the table against the top turnbuckle, and grabs the chair... before tossing it outside to Reeve, who grabs it and brings it smashing down over the skull of Stevens! Stevens falls backward, leaning against the apron. Reeve drops the chair and rolls Drunky into the ring... Krystal lifts Drunk Ass and and holds him in front of the table... Reeve heads to the opposite corner... before-*CRUNCH*
Rex: GORE! GORE! GORRRE!!! OH HELL YEAH! ... to quote some bald Texan.
Wes: Austin has just been driven through the table... Reeve goes for pin...
Rex: He gets the one, two... fourteen... eleventy-five? ... THREE!
Wes: You just SHOUTED three... the ref didn't count it!
Rex: Well hell, that retarded ref is NEVER going to get there...
Wes: And he doesn't, atleast not this time, as Stevens kicks out just in the nick of time!
Rex: In the nick of time?! The ref coulda counted to 100 by now! Literally! I actually counted it to myself, in my head, and he SERIOUSLY coulda gotten to one hundred, if the guy actually knew HOW to!
Wes: No matter what, Reeve is beginning to fume...
Rex: So am I! ... Again!
Wes: Reeve lifts Stevens, and tries to load him up for the 'Finale' once again... but Stevens spins "The Show" around, going for the Drunk Ass Drop... but Reeve pushes Stevens away... the two stare eachother down, and the audience is ACTUALLY cheering!
Rex: Now THAT is a fuckin' first! I honestly never thought I'd hear that at a WSE show... it's so... foreign. I think I might actually be enjoying a WSE show for once.
... Now I KNOW hell's frozen over... because it's cold as FUCK in here!Wes: Yes sports fans, the Hell Hole is a popsicle, and Austin Stevens vs Reeve Gordon is ELECTRIC! This may just be the greatest moment in WSE history! I can only say this, sports fans -
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Wes: And Austin Stevens has done it! Austin Stevens has advanced to the tournament final!
Rex: The fuck... GODDAMIT!!! DAMN IT TO FUCKING HELL! We were SO fucking close to actually having a GOOD match and the FUCKING |ads| had to ruin it! DAMN YOU |ads|! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!! And dammit it more, because my man lost!!! I call shenanigans!!!!!!!!!!~!
Wes: Well, for those who missed it, here's a replay of the final moments of that SPECTACULAR bout, caught after the momentous stare down between those two gladiators!
Rex: Thank goodness, maybe -
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Rex: FUCK!!!
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Welcome to the Jungle...
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Welcome to the Jungle...
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Howard Fecal: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is the second semi-final match in the Xtrmkor Trnmint...
Rex: Now THERE's a name for a tourney...
Fecal: ... and will determine the opponent to "Drunk Ass", Austin Stevens in the FINALS... where we will declare a new, undisputed Xtrmkor champion!
Rex: Well, my attention span is about to flatline, once again...
Fecal: First, introducing, already in the ring, the special guest ref for this match... David Arquette!
Rex: Annnd... there it goes.
Fecal: And the first participant, also already in the ring... WSE's Official Ambassador to DisneyWorld... Nickey Mowse!
Rex: And my interest has just mandatorily been piqued again, as decreed by the Disney Corporation!
Wes: Wow... you're all kinds of a sell-out, aren't you Rex?
Rex: ... Yes.
Fecal: And introducing his opponent...he hails from RIGHT HERE, in Nowhere, Oklahoma!
Fans: Booo!
Rex: Hey! Who boo's the hometown kid?! Isn't that supposed to be an INSTANT pop generator, even for jobbers?!
Wes: Rex, face it... the only "kids" from Nowhere in WSE are the mWo. So, let's weigh this shall we... guys that just so happen to be born in the same area of the map as you... or do they just call these guys the complete and total assholes they are? ... I choose the latter.
Rex: Well ANYWAY... Axl strolls down, wearing the now WORLD FAMOUS mWo hot pink and white!
Wes: I really don't think -
Rex: WORLD FAMOUS!!!
Wes: ... How rude.
Howard Fecal: And finally, it's time for the OTHER special referee, everybody's FAVORITE next door neighbor... please give it up... for Steven... Q... URRRKKKLLLEEE!!!~!
[Almost as soon as these words leave Fecal's mouth, "Ride of the Valkyries" begins to play... before the sound of a record scratching is heard, and the music is replaced by the sounds of War's "LowRider". Urkle comes through the curtains... driving, of course, a lowrider.]
Rex: ... Seriously, what the FUCK?
Urkle [screaming throughout the arena]: DID I DO THAAAATTT!!!
Wes: ... Now even I'm dumbfounded.
Rex: Aren't you always?
Wes: That's what she said!
Rex: ...
[Urkle stops the vehicle, and begins to kick in the hydraulics. The car's back wheels begin to bounce up and down off the floor a few times... each time, the bounce becoming higher and higher... until - ]
Rex: HOLY -
*CRASH!*
Rex: Holy HELL! ... YES! Urkle just sent that low-low flying over and ontop of Arquette! Now BOTH of the worst plagues upon mankind are DEAD! THERE IS A GOD, AND HIS NAME IS MAC BRY!
Wes: What the hell does he have to do with this?
Rex: ... He brought Urkle and Arquette here!
Wes: And you think he INTENDED for Urkle to kill them both?
Rex: ... Of COURSE! Because he's a GENIUS!
Wes: Yes. A genius that wishes to be sued until he bleeds.
Rex: ... Yeah! It's the american dream! If you will!
Wes: Ugh...
Rex: So... you sure Urkle and Arquette are dead?
Wes: ... Uh... Yup. ... Probably.
Rex: 2 Sweet.
Mac [iMAC screen] : You're damn RIGHT I'm a genius! And damn fine looking as well!
Rex: It's our glorious leader! Hail THE Ma-
Mac: Cram it!
Rex: Yes sir!
Mac: Now... at first, I was pretty sure I would be forced to push Mowse on in this match, even against my own man... but then, I get word from a Disney higher-up... that since I already let their nut job win the FIRST match... this one can be as big a fuckin' squash as I want. They let me know that, although they are the company "Where Magic Happens"... they're not miracle workers. Mowse... you're not going to make it far in this company without following a few simple rules. And rule numero uno? DON'T CROSS THE BOSS. And as soon as Hoff left... and I entered? A new boss stepped into town. And I'm gonna make DAMN sure that some rat that fucks with MY talent... talent like Major Mario... is gonna pay... and they're gonna pay till they're buried six feet deep.
Mac: Mowse... say hello to Uncle Walt for me.
Wes: He didn't just...
Mac: Oh yes... I most certainly did.
Mac: And furthermore... I have decided... that Axl will have a substitution for this contest!
Wes: A SUBSTITUTION?! Mac is bending the rules every which way but Sunday!
Mac: Sunday is not a direction!
Wes: ... Alrighty then.
Mac: And Axl's substitution will be...
[Suddenly, "Mucha Lucha" by Chicos De Barrio hits, and everybody's LEAST favorite "luchadore" walks out... the fat, white-skinned-but-supposedly-Mexican, McGreasy's cravin', high-not-so-much-flyin', wheelin' dealin', kiss stealin' son of a BITCH... Mr. E!]
Rex: Oh CRAP! And what could have been a jawesomely rad Axl match has turned into... a Mr. E match. Great... just what we needed after bailing on the Stevens/Gordon finish...
Wes: Well, look at the bright side.
Rex: ... Which is?
Wes: Gimme a sec... Ok, no, sorry, there isn't one...
Rex: 2010 is so gonna suck.
Mac: And the NEW special ref... since both Urkle and Arquette are dead... Axl!
Rex: YES! Alright, THE Mac just hooked me again! Dammit, this guy knows just how to rub a guy the RIGHT way!
Mac: Try telling that to Ty...
Rex: Bo?
Mac: Nevermind... I'm outtie.
Wes: Nickey Mowse is ready for a fight!
Rex: E better get the job done, that's all I can say.
Wes: Come on, Axl's the damn REF! If E wins here, then AXL's the one who goes on to the tournament finals! You REALLY don't see the conclusion of this match?
Rex: ... Totally perplexed!
Wes: Oy vey...
Rex: E climbs into the ring, and I think that's the first time I've seen a 'luchadore' get into the ring by climbing over the top rope...
Wes: Mowse doesn't stand a chance, here! Not only is E a powerful StupidStar... albeit the fact he has a beer gut that reminds one of a pregnant pig... , but the ref is in his back pocket! Hell, the "ref" is in this ENTIRELY for himself!
Rex: Mowse is standing on one side of the ring, E on the other, and Referee Axl stands between the both of them. And as Mowse walks up to E, pounding a fist against his own chest in a show of pride, E simply shoves Mowse away like he was a child! HA! Chump...
Wes: And Axl is just enjoying every damn bit of this display, isn't he?
Rex: Of course! After this match, it's him vs Austin Stevens, and that Xtrmkor title is coming home to THE Mac's World Order!!!
Wes: Irregardless, Axl has just signalled for the bell, and as soon as it sounds, E rushes toward Mowse with what looks to be a simply massive clothesline... but Mowse ducks under... he springboards off the ropes, and as E turns around, Nickey goes for a cross-body...
Rex: Thank GOD, E. catches the little monkey!
Wes: I thought you liked Mowse?
Rex: Ooooo, let's WEIGHT THIS shall?! The guy that signs my PAY CHECK, or a faceless corporation that keeps the show on a channel that sucks seven sorts of sea weed? Hmmm... I CHOOSE THE LATTER!!!~!
Wes: Aww, sit on it... Anyhell, E hits a Fallaway Slam... almost killing Mowse in the process... E seriously doesn't know how to work.
Rex: Says YOU, Mr. Commentary Person... Guy!
Wes: Now it looks like E's going for... The Three Amigos?
Rex: That's his move!
Wes: No it's not!
Rex: That's not his move!
Wes: E then kicks Mowse in the gut, doubling the poor dummy over.
Rex: E tosses Mowse between his knees, picks him up, and plants him into the canvas with a massive powerbomb!
Wes: Sloppy...
Rex: BUT EFFECTIVE! Grr...
Wes: Just as E picks up Mowse, "The Rated G StupidStar" hits a very nice enziguri, sending E tumbling backwards... and out through the ropes, slamming hard to the outside! E might already be out of it, as winded as he ALREADY is!
Rex: I wouldn't lead my horses before they've hatched!
Wes: ... Jigga-wha'?
Rex: Mowse bounces off the set of ropes farthest from E's position out on the floor... Mowse comes running toward E's side, springboards off the top rope with a shooting star press, but E manages to catch him over his shoulder, he turns around and... Snake eyes on the apron! Mowse's head rattles hard against the side of the ring... E rolls Mowse back in under the bottom rope, and climbs onto the apron. Mowse finally stands up, turns around... wait... E seems to be trying to leap onto the top rope...
Wes: What the hell is he doing?
Rex: Isn't it... obvious? ... He's going for his signature West Coast Pop! ... Duh!
Wes: Oh, silly me... E uses all his agility to jump onto the top rope, but as he does, he tangles up with the top rope, trips, and falls to the mat. ... Tell me again why he tried that?
Rex: Wes, don't you DARE quesion the mWo's grand plans! E knew what he was doing! He's trying to throw Mowse off, that's all. Trying to... give him a false sense of security... I hope...
Wes: Mowse rolls E over, goes for the pin... but E tosses Mowse off, sending him all the way over Ref Axl, and rolling across the canvas to the other side of the ring. Mowse hooks E by his mouse ears, pulls him to a vertical base, whips him across the ring, and on his way back, E brings Mowse down lying over the middle rope with a drop-toe-hold. E lifts a finger into the air... what is he going for now?
Rex: His move! The move that's going to put Mowse away for good! The C19...H2802.
Wes: ... What in the hell is THAT?
Rex: The chemical formula for testosterone.
Wes: ... Wow. ... Anyway, E runs toward Mowse, still draped over the middle rope... He goes to swing through - ... I said, he goes to swing through - ... Well, he TRIES to swing through the ropes anyway... All he really seems to be doing is running toward the ropes, stopping, and then throwing a fit and kicking at the ropes and pulling on them like a rabid chiauaua. Why doesn't he understand the fact that he's NOT a luchadore? He's a friggin' fat sack a shit is what the devil he is! The only way he's getting through those ropes is if he... welp, there ya go...
Rex: Dammit, the big bull-headed oaf just fell through the damn ropes! And now Mowse has gotten back up and he's heading up top! SON-OF-A-BITCH, he just hit the 780 Flip With a Cherry on Top! E's shaking violently from the impact... Dammit, Reeve, or Mac, or Krystal, or SOMEbody's gotta do SOMETHING!!!
[Referee Axl begins a count out!]
Wes: Hey, I thought Mac said no count outs from now on?!
Rex: He implicitly stated "unless noted OTHERWISE"!
Wes: ... Where was it noted this match adhered the count out rule?
Rex: ... It's inherent!
Wes: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?!
[Both men on the outside try to struggle and get up... Mowse is first to his feet... but Axl hits the baseball slide to Mowse's face, sending him clattering backward against the Icelandic Announce Table.]
Rex: We have an ICELANDIC Announce Table?
[Axl motions for Mr. E to hurry up and get inside...]
Wes: This is horrendous! This CAN'T be allowed in a WRESTLING match!
Rex: Again... not wrestling, E-Sports Entertainment! How many times MUST we go over this...
Wes: Axl's gotten to the damndable eight... the nine... Mr. E is IN and god DAMN IT Axl counts the ten and signals for the bell! That dick is raising Mr. E's hand!
Mr. E: Do I get my donut now?
Axl: Just smile and wave at the people, we'll talk after the show!
Wes: This is just... DAMMIT! That wretched mWo doesn't deserve to EXIST!
Rex: Yes it DOES! And afters the ads, they're proving WHY! It'll be Drunk Ass... vs AXL, with the Xtrmkor title on the LINE!
Wes: And you need to stop ending every sentence with a word in all CAPS~!!!
Rex: YOU DIE NOW~!!!1a
Wes: And here's some -
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Gimme a FUCK YEAH!
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Gimme a FUCK YEAH!
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Howard Fecal: LLLLLLLLLLLLadies and GENTLEMEN... the following contest is scheduled for one fall... and is for the Xtrmkor 24/7 TITLE!!!
Wes Rivers: Welcome back sports fans, and boy howdy do we have a double main event for YOU!
Rex Winters: I sure as hell hope so...
Fecal: Introducing first, hailing from Hicksville, Arkansas... he IS the Arkansas Garter Snake, the Cryogenic Cousin Fucker, and the former TWO-TIME, TWO-TIME Xtrmkor Champion... "Drunk Ass" ... Austin ... STEVEEENNNSSS~!!!1a
[Glass shatters, "Whiskey Hangover" hits, and out comes the Hillbilly Cyborg himself, the WSE Original, Austin Stevens!]
Rex: Stevens is going DOWN, you can bet your ass on that! The mWo SHALL PREVAIL~!!!
Wes: Never count a good hick out, Rexxy.
Rex: Don't you EVER call me that again. >:^(
Wes: Austin is stomping down the ramp, the fans here at the Hell Hole patting him on the back and cheering him on for this war against the mWo. And Rex, you gotta admit, the mWo has proven tonight, that when you mess with one... you get them ALL.
Rex: All for one, two for a dollar as they say.
Wes: They say that?
Rex: ... Maybe? But HEY! What's that sound!
Wes: Ugh... normally, I'd love this song, but...
Rex: It's "Back in Black", and you know what THAT means.
[The lights flash black and white, AC/DC blares over the speakers, and static fills the iMAC screen, as the fans' cheers turn into rauceous jeers... THE Mac mosies out, followed by "The Show", Reeve Gordon, and they stop, turn around, and motion for their buddy to make his entrance... Suddenly, the lights change to wild, multiple hues, and Guns 'N' Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle" hits... as Axl VanHalen leaps through the curtains, in tattered jeans, no shirt, showing off his toned, chiseled abs, glistening with sweat... He wears a hot pink scarf around his neck, studded straps around his wrists, a spiked collar around his throat, his hair long, flowing, and luxurious... No shoes, and a pair of high-dollar, VERY expensive ray-ban sunglasses. That are hot pink. ...]
Rex: The Coming Outsiders are NOT GAY!!!
Wes: Never said they were...
Rex: You were thinking it!
Wes: ... Anyway sports fans, Axl is strutting down to the ring -
Rex: NOT gay!
Wes: Of course not... and Axl gingerly gets into the ring.
Rex: >:^(
Wes: Oh calm down, Rex... "The Axe Man" plays a bit of air guitar and -
BJ: DRUNK ASS DROP! DRUNK ASS DROP! BAH GAWD -
*BANG!*
Rex: Bulls eye!
Wes: Thank you REX! That was needed.
Rex: No problemo.
BJ: Buh... buh... barbee cue... ... saushhh *gasp, choke, croak*
Rex: Unfortunately, Axl HAS already been laid out by the Drop... this couldn't POSSIBLY be it... could it???
Wes: Drunk Ass gets the one... the two... but NOT the three!
Rex: YES!
Wes: But wait a DAMN minute! Now Reeve and Mac are climbing into the ring... and Mac's shoved the ref out of the ring, grabbing the man's shirt right from off his back... and now Mac's obviously instated himself as the referee!
Rex: Even BETTER! How does Mac ALWAYS make the right decisions.
Wes: Ugh... Reeve and Mac both grab Stevens by an arm, leaving him prone for multiple shots to the chest from Axl's right fist. Reeve and Mac toss Stevens to the ground... wait a minute, it's... it's Goo the Adventurer, the 16 year old Warrior!!! He's another member of WSE that's stuck through since the birth a year ago. Goo is charging down the ramp, carrying a chair! Goo roars into the ring, swinging wildly, as Axl, Reeve, and Mac scatter like roaches! Goo rolls out of the ring to give chase, but as soon as he does, he receives an instantaneous clothesline from Mac's girlfriend, Krystal Dawn! DAMMIT!
Rex: No matter WHAT, there will ALWAYS be an mWo member there to protect the others!
Wes: And that's what both scares me, AND pisses me off SO much about these people! It's bad enough their leader has taken over the company, now they can pretty much do whatever it is they want to, at whatever time they wish to do it!
Rex: Kill the bastard! Keep him from helping that drunken idiot! Goo can NOT interfere in this match!
Wes: Oh, but the mWo have every RIGHT, don't they?!
Rex: Of course. They're in charge, and you're just large... ya FATTY!
Wes: Hey, I am not fat! I'm actually quite bony...
Rex: You just keep thinking that, tub-a-fun.
Wes: ... You really think I'm fat?
Rex: HAHA! You're so gullible.
Wes: ... You're a jerk, ya know that Rex?
Rex: THE mWo is tearing Goo apart, Krystal's even using Goo's own chair against him. This is great! Wait a minute, Stevens is stirring back inside the ring... Reeve slides into the ring, and tries for a flying forearm shot... but Stevens ducks under... the "Show" turns around and traps Stevens in a headlock! The most dreaded submission hold in the history of the game! Choke him out, Reeve!
Wes: Well, I dunno about "most dreaded"... but it's most certainly working at this point in time. Stevens is becoming limp... Reeve throws Austin to the canvas, and Axl slides in... a cover, and Mac counts the fall as fast as possible, of course... but Stevens STILL manages to get the shoulder up! As soon as Austin is back up, Axl's right there with a running shoulder tackle... which connects, knocking Austin Stevens for a loop. The Hicksville native stumbles out of the ring through the top and middle ropes and crashes to the floor outside...
Rex: Stevens slowly stirs... he pants a bit, crouched on all fours... he looks like a -
Boom Boom Quaker: SCALDED DAWG!!!
Rex: Oh dear GOD no!!! Ya get rid ah one of 'em... Next we'll be having "Good Ol'" Slobbert Knockovich banging on the arena door...
BBQ: Y'all wanna sample o' my bran' new, tantalizin', "Mouse Droppin's and Cat HairBall Barbee-Cue-Shaush"?! It's ONLY one hun'erd 'n' seven'y five dollars!!!
Rex: ... SECURITY~!!!
[Two big, burly men begin to drag BBQ away from the desk...]
BBQ: SALES ARE LIMITED, SO BUY YERS TOOO-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY~!!!1a2
Rex: Oh brother...
Wes: Drunky finally stands... turns around... Spinning Arm Drag! Axl just sent Stevens flying with that maneuvre! But he kicks right back up... Mac runs toward Stevens... who leapfrogs over the oncoming Chairman!
Rex: DAMMIT! Was hoping Mac would unleash the MAC ATTACK!
Wes: What's that?
Rex: I dunno, just sounded like a catchy name for a finisher.
Wes: Sounds... generic.
Rex: Well, catchy as in "easy to come up with when you really don't give a flyin' fuck"
Wes: Stevens leaps over THE Boss, Mac spins around quickly and lowers to the canvas... crouching... waiting to strike with his patented DKO.
Rex: DKO?
Wes: The D stands for DICK! As in, Mac is one giant -
Rex: ALRIGHT! Ass breath...
Wes: Stevens turns around and Mac goes for the move... but Austin drops Mac backward with a back suplex... and now REEVE is coming for the Garter Snake!
Rex: See, what did I tell ya? TEAM WORK!
Wes: Yeah, or as I like to refer to it as, a totally unfair, unscrupulous 4 on 1 beat down. Yeah, that about pegs it, don'tcha think?
Rex: Raza-frackin'... Reeve goes for a clothesline, but Stevens leaps into the air... he grabs Reeve by the head, and drops him CRASHING down with a spike ddt!!! This is NOT looking good...
Wes: That's if your one of the mWo's so-called "True Believers"... or, just a suck up to the Chairman.
Rex: Awww, put a cork in it! Stevens heads up top with Reeve sprawled out across the arena floor... Stevens raises the two thumbs up... and flies OFF! What a DUMB ASS! Stevens is no high flyer!
Wes: Oh? But the flying elbow CONNECTS!!! How bout THEM apples, REXXY-BOY!
Rex: I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!
Wes: Heheh... Stevens is now coming back for Axl, who he SHOULD be having a one-on-one match with, but because of the damn mWo has to worry about an attack from every corner... but here comes John Semen! And Goo the Adventurer has finally returned to his senses! And here comes the "l33t hAXor", Viruz, another WSE Original!
Rex: Dammit, the cavalry's arrived... this is unfair!
Wes: ... Wait, so actually EVENING the odds is unfair to you?!
Rex: Well, it damn sure isn't sports entertainy! These matches are always supposed to end up in group beat-downs! That's how the nWo rolled, it's how the mWo rolls NOW!
Wes: Semen is in with a chain wrapped around his fist, Goo's got the chair, Viruz wields his trusty laptop, and Stevens is leading the charge with balled up hands of fury, ready to commence with the beat down!
Rex: But the mWo is playing it SMART... on the outside of the ring, smartly huddled around eachother, discussing strategery!
Wes: Strategery?
Rex: It's a word! Look it up!
Wes: You've been reading Wiktionary again... haven't you?
Rex: ... Yes.
Wes: Semen isn't going to wait, and is bringing the chain with him outside, as the mWo pounces... but Goo and Vi follow John out, and now Axl is coming IN! With the two teams of three duking it out on the outside, Stevens and Axl are FINALLY alone on the inside!
Rex: And Axl's found a black baseball bat while on the outside! YES! Axl is absolutely taking it to Stevens with that bat, and shows no sign of letting up!
Wes: Stevens falls to all fours, and Axl sends shot after shot to Austin's sides... VanHalen is causing Stevens to roll around in pain from every blow. Axl raises the bat high into the air, and brings it down full force... but Austin somehow manages to reach out and clutch the bat as it comes speeding toward his head! Austin uses the bat to pull himself up to his feet... and with Stevens grabbing one end of the bat, Axl still gripping the other, Stevens pulls Axl in... and BLASTS him with a clothesline, sending the Hair Metal enthusiast spinning in the air before crashing down to the mat.
Rex: Stevens backs up a bit, and crouches down, waving for the fallen Axl to stand. Axl slowly gets up, using the rope for assistance... He gets up and turns toward Austin -
*CRUNCH*
Rex: God DAMMIT!
Wes: HA! Simply BRUTAL bat shot to Axl, exploding the damn thing into bits and pieces of wood! The ring is a sea of splinters, and I'm lovin' it!
Rex: Ha, yeah, REEAALL good one... McDonald's Man! >:^(
Wes: Austin drops the broken bat handle, before running toward the ropes... He comes off, runs toward Axl, and leaps into the air, and drops the double pointed-elbow drop square to the heart of that evil, evil little man! Axl shakes violently from the impact, and rolls out under the bottom rope, splatting against the outside pavement.
Rex: Hold on! It's... it's Redd W. Bloo? Dammit, another WSE Original! The bastard's probably going to make things even WORSE for the mWo!
Wes: Well, I've gotta tell you, they absolutely deserve it after everything they've done tonight! Redd, wearing the red white and blue attire he's become known for here, walks slowly down the ramp... As those following WSE know, Redd won the Xtrmkor title at the "Great American BackLash at the Beach", back in October, but has been stripped tonight by our new Chairman, THE Mac Bry. So that adds even MORE fuel to Redd's lending to the WSE Original's cause!
Rex: This is idiot BETTER do what's best for him, and stay the HELL away from the ring, before...
[Redd rolls into the ring, and just as Drunk Ass is about to load Axl up for the killing blow, Bloo pats Drunky on the shoulder and whispers something in his ear...]
Wes: I think... yes! He wants to hit the Old Glory on that bastard, Axl! The POWERFUL clothesline from hell!
Rex: Meh! MEH I SAY!
Wes: Drunky obliges, and Redd backs up a bit, with the dazed and confused Axl stumbling around as if he doesn't even know where the hell he is...
Rex: ... YES!!! THANK... YOU!
Wes: Oh HELL! What did he just do that for?!
Rex: I told you, Wes, this is e-sports entertainment! There's ALWAYS a swerve in the mix!
Wes: GODDAMIT! Redd W. Bloo has spun around and leveled Drunk Ass with the Old Glory clothesline! This is the blackest day in WSE history, sports fans!
Rex: Hey, just like you told me Wes, calm down! You're gonna give yourself a coronary!!!
Wes: But Austin almost had this WON, it was more than obvious, and now Redd W. Bloo has turned his back on this company's one year legacy, to... what, does this mean he's actually JOINED the mWo?!
Rex: I suuure HOPE so!
Wes: *smacks forehead* This is just NOT right...
Rex: And folks, it's ACADEMIC... Axl goes for the pinfall, Redd taunts the fans, and Mac counts... one, two, and buddy boy, that's a thre-
...
Rex: DAMMIT!!!
Wes: YES!!! Austin Stevens has kicked out at the VERY last second! But Axl immediately mounts the Snake and begins driving his right and left fists into Austin's mush.
Rex: It's STILL just a matter of time... I can FEEL it...
Wes: Axl continues to crush Austin's face under his knuckles, before finally sending one last fist to the face... which Stevens blocks with his hands!
Rex: Hands? Why not his HEAD! Woulda been a much softer body part...
Wes: Ya know, you're a regular laugh riot, Rexxy...
Rex: Glad SOMEONE besides me has realized this.
Wes: With the punch blocked, Austin returns the series of rights with a right of his own, directly to Axl's nose. Axl holds his nose... as a tiny drop of blood begins to trickle down.
Rex: I'm tellin' ya, I've got a FEELING Axl is gonna win this one, and take that strap come hell or high water. And I'm NEVER wrong!
Wes: Never?
Rex: Yup.
Wes: What about that time you said you could drink forty screwdrivers in a row, without vomiting?
Rex: Uh... can't remember. What happened?
Wes: You vomited.
Rex: Ohhh, yeah! Now I remember! And it was on you! And it was a nice new suit you had just bought with the only pay check you had gotten all year! And you were never able to remove the stain! And you were forced to toss the suit in the garbage! And it was the greatest mean, nasty, downright despicable thing I've ever done to you and laughed about it afterward EVER!
Wes: Well, anyway -
Rex: EVER~!1!
Wes: ... ANYWAY. Axl grabs ahold of his nose, as Stevens shoves the mWo-ite off. Axl stands to his feet, and takes a few steps back... Axl finally lets go of his nose... just as Austin comes in with a yakuza kick, to the nose, which sends Axl reeling backward. Axl's back slams into the turnbuckle post, and the Metal God drops to his ass, his nose now a bloody mess. Austin follows in, and begins laying in the boots... boot, boot, boot, BOOT... two thumbs up... and one more boot for good measure!
Rex: Aw, yeah, kick, kick, punch, is that ALL that redneck buffoon knows how to do?!
Wes: Axl drops to the side, holding his head in his hands. Stevens leaps onto the turnbuckle and lifts the double thumbs up, as the fans roar their approval!
Rex: Aw go home ya assholes!
Wes: Rex, if they go home, then they'll want their money back, and you want get paid for tonight's work.
Rex: THEY got paid! And I didn't get one red cent off this "night's work".
Wes: Oh... well, sucks to be you then. Cuz I just saved a buncha money by switching to GEICO!
Rex: Awww... I got nothin'.
Wes: With Austin on the turnbuckle, posing for the WSE Humanoidz, Axl reaches up and grabs onto the ropes beneath Stevens, using the leverage to pull himself up... Axl eventually gets to a crouched position, and grabs onto Austin's foot, but Stevens shoves Axl off with his boot... Axl stands, and Austin leaps from the turnbuckle... But this time, instead of landing the arial move, Axl brings Drunk Ass down with an inverted atomic drop!
Rex: Mac and Bloo are whispering to eachother now... Axl shoves Drunky... Mac trips Stevens, and Bloo lands an elbow drop to Austin's heart! "Drunk Ass" Austin Stevens' days are all but numbered!
Wes: Honestly, this match has gone back and forth... thanks to interference, but it's STILL been a great effort by both Austin AND Axl.
Rex: Mostly by Axl though.
Wes: Axl goes for the pin, and try as he might, Mac canNOT slap his hand to the mat fast enough for Austin to be fast counted out!
Rex: The five men and woman on the outside are STILL brawling, but are now beginning to disperse into the audience!
Wes: And it seems as if this is giving Mac an idea... Axl begins to put the boots to Austin, stomping him out of the ring... Axl follows, reaches under the ring, and pulls out... a kendo stick!
Rex: Or is it a singapore cane? Or maybe it's a Shinai? Who knows.
Wes: Axl walks over to the prone body of Stevens, holding the stick in his right hand. Axl uses his left hand to pull Austin up by the back of his neck... before bringing the kendo stick down across Steven' naked back!
Rex: Now THIS is a thing of beauty! Austin drops to a knee, SCREAMING in agony... gorgeous.
Wes: Axl follows up the first shot with another, sending Stevens to the ground. Axl wallops the Arkansas Garter Snake with shot after shot, before twirling the stick a little, and hopping around like a pro boxer... perhaps Sugar GAY Leonard!
Rex: Hey, leave the jokes to ME, Wes! And one last time... Reeve and Axl are NOT GAY! Ya mashugana...
Wes: Axl motions for Austin to stand back up... Axl could be looking to return the wicked bat shot he felt earlier at the hands of Stevens... Stevens finally makes it up, and turns around... Axl goes to swing the kendo stick, and...
Rex: DAMMIT! Viruz just yoinked the kendo stick from Axl's grip! And he just snapped the damn thing in two over his knee! He tosses the pieces aside, and now Goo and Semen are coming up at his sides... this is just... ARGH!
Wes: Axl backs out, and climbs over the fan barricade, into a mass of people who could very well want Axl and the rest of the mWo out of the company even more than the Originals do! Axl stares at one fan, and actually flips the guy off! Axl has got some nerve...
Rex: Meh, the guy got PAID to be here... I say he can either act as part of "the cast", or get the "F" out!!!
Wes: Ugh... Axl reels back a hand, as if he's going to slap the fan... When from out of nowhere, Stevens grabs the hand and spins Axl around! Stevens boots Axl in the gut, and DRUNK ASS DROP!
Rex: DAMMIT!
Wes: But Austin ISN'T going for the pin... he lifts Axl up, and hooks him by the arms... And now Stevens is screaming for the fan that Axl flipped off earlier to take a swing of his own!
Rex: HEY! That fan did NOT get paid to get involved with the action!
Wes: Weren't you JUST saying he should be a part of "the cast"?
Rex: That's ... That's NOT what I meant! I...
Wes: Irregardless, the fan obliges Drunky, as he gives Axl the very backhand slap that Axl threatened to dish out earlier on. Axl's head snaps to the right from the hit, Axl coughing up blood, as his previously busted open nose begins to pour out even more. Drunk Ass tosses Axl to the ground. Austin asks the same fan for his steel chair, and the fan once again obliges... Stevens lifts the chair above his head, before bringing it back down, crushing Axl's ribs. Stevens then props the chair open, and sets it over Axl's head... Drunk Ass sets down, and checks his inviso-watch, smiling to the fans!
Rex: That FUCKING inviso-watch!!!
Wes: Drunky looks to have gotten an idea... He stands back up, and walks up the bleachers where the fans are seated... The Snake turns around, and steadies himself... takes off in a sprint down the flight of bleachers, before trying to leap over the rail near Axl!!! My GOD what is he going for?! Austin has taken off in a leap of faith... but he just crashed and burned! He looked to land on Axl with the pointed-elbow drop, targeting the chair on top of Axl's prone skull, right above that concrete floor... but as soon as Austin went air borne, Axl nipped up in one fluid motion, grabbing the chair, and flinging it at Steven' head! The chair smacked Austin right in the face, sending him spiraling down... and landing stomach first on the steel rail!
Rex: Goddam that had to hurt! Jesus Christ I hope he's ok...
Wes: Wow, you're actually worried about someone besides yourself for once?
Rex: Well, of COURSE! I don't want the poor guy to DIE! Just because he's an inbred, cousin marrying, gap toothed, hillbilly, alligator wrestling, tobacco spitting, larry the cable guy loving -
Wes: Alright Rex, we get the point...
Rex: - backwoods, under educated, bottom of the food chain, roadkill eating, chicken fucking, lynyrd skynyrd listening, mullet wearing, country music playing... did I mention cousin marrying?
Wes: ENOUGH, REX! Sheesh... Annnyway, Axl is slowly crawling through the fans... he climbs over the steel barricade, back to ringside. Axl slides into the ring, and is lying on the canvas, gasping for breath. Stevens seems to be knocked out in the audience... after a few moments time, though, he begins to stir. He eventually pulls himself back up, thanks to the steel rail. Austin uses it to walk back toward the barricade... and as he walks, the fans pat him on the back. Quite a contrast to Axl's reception from the fans...
Rex: Oh... staple your mouth shut.
Wes: I most certainly will not!
Rex: *mubles something to self*
Wes: What was that?!
Rex: ANYWAY, Stevens finally makes it down to the barricade... he crawls across... and as he makes it over the steel fan guard, he flops down onto the concrete, clutching his stomach.
Wes: A few fans reach down and pat Austin on the arm, willing him on into the ring. Stevens pulls himself together, sucks it up, and stands up... he walks toward the ring, still grabbing at his gut. Stevens rolls into the ring under the bottom rope, but just as he does, Axl jumps into the air, and comes down with a huge splash, instantly knocking out every ounce of breath Stevens managed to suck in. Axl quickly goes for the pin, and Mac counts it even more quickly... but again, ONLY a two count!
Rex: Dammit, my feeling BETTER be right... Or I'll show it what's what!
Wes: *rolls eyes* Axl reaches down to pick up Austin... but gets speared instead! Stevens gores Axl from a crouching position, sending both men stumbling to the outside! On the outside, Axl and Austin roll around, trading fists... Stevens removes himself from the mWo-ite, and grabs the ring bell... As Axl slowly stands back up, Stevens goes to take a swing with the bell... but Axl ducks underneath. Stevens turns around, right into a Wild Side-kick! ... Which is AVOIDED! Austin Stevens rolls under the kick, before using his own leg to sidesweep Axl, sending him crashing to the floor, backfirst. Stevens grabs Axl by the hair, drags him over to our table, and... He's just draped Axl over the top of our desk!
Drunk Ass: Hey, Wes.
Wes: Hiya!
Rex: ... How about me?
Drunk Ass: Shut up.
Rex: Yes sir.
Drunk Ass: Now, ol' Drunk Ass, WHAT?!, I said Drunk Ass wants you, Wes, tah take yer dad gum chair an' just wind back and blow this number one, grade a, ah-hun'erd percent piece ah dookie flavored ASS cream intah next Monday, so's I can beat the holy livin' Jesus Dubbya Christ outta this milli-vanilli mouthed bastard NEXT week as well! Ya got me?
Wes: Whatever you say, Mr. Stevens!
Drunk Ass: NEH-EH! Dun' call a friend "mister"!
Wes: Oh... Austin?
Drunk Ass: NEH-EH~!!! Y'all can call me "MASTER Stevens", Jeeves!
Wes: ... Huh?
Drunk Ass: Oh, whoops! Ol' Drunk Ass is still as drunk as a skunk in a funk, and he STILL cain't see so good. He thought you was his butler!
Rex: ... You've got a butler?
Drunk Ass: I do?! WHAT?! I asked, I do?! That's pretty damn cool, I'mma tell ya what! An' DAT'S the bottom of the ninth... cuz muh momma say... it BE that way... SOMETIIIIME!
Wes / Rex : ...
Drunk Ass: Now, take that chair and blast this here sum-bitchin' jack-ass!
Wes: Did I ever tell you you were my favorite Stupid Star?
Rex: What about Goo? And Semen? And Viruz?
Wes: Uhhh... ok, make that a tie for my favorite Stupid Star! ... But it's a STRONG one fourth!
Drunk Ass: Just take the damn swing.
Wes: You don't have to ask ME twice!
Stevens: I already did.
Wes: Er... nevermind.
[Wes stands up, grabs his chair, and walks over to Axl, still slumped against the desk, being held down by Stevens. Wes pounds the steel upon the concrete... rears back... and SMASHES the chair into Axl's face. He does so with so much force that it causes Axl's mouth and nose to spew forth blood like lava from the mouth of an active volcano. Axl falls to his knees, his face a crimson kaleidescope of blood... Wes high fives Austin, before returning his chair to its spot behind the desk. Wes sits back down, and pulls his headset back on.]
Wes: WHOOHOO!!! Sports fans, I GOTTA tell ya... THAT was fun! Did you see Axl's face explode?! It was like a friggin' palmegranate in the hands of Arnold Shwarzenpheffer!!! It was GREAT!
Rex: Dammit Wes, why'dya have to be SUCH an ass kisser?! >:^(
Wes: Ha. Hello Pot, meet Mr. Kettle.
Rex: You SUCK!
Wes: Stevens slaps Axl across the face, sending blood flying... Austin hooks Axl in a front chancery... Stevens knees Axl in the gut, while he's still held in the front chancery. Stevens then raises Axl over head in vertical suplex position... before dropping Axl forward, with a sit-out move, which appears to be a variation of the Michinoku Driver.
Wes: He calls that the "Drunk Ass Driver of ASS WHOOP"!
Rex: ... Are you sure he calls it that?
Wes: Hey, he just got through letting me smack the taste out of Axl's mouth. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I name one or two of his moves. Or three...
Rex: Next, you'll probably be asking to be his manager.
Wes: Hey, the guy NEEDS a manager like me! Especially if he's willing to give me fifty percent of his earnings... ;^)
Rex: Ugh! Axl is desperately trying to stop the blood gushing from his nose and mouth... His face is no longer the handsome mug it was entering into this war. The cement pavement beside his face is covered in a pool of the red stuff. And dammit... my feeling is sadly starting to slip far, far away into the night.
Wes: Good! The mWo DOES need to slip far, far away!
Rex: Wait a minute... back toward the ring, it seems as if Mac is pulling out a table! And Bloo is helping him with it! The two of them bring the table over to our desk and set it up, with Reeve and Krystal following them, taking it to Stevens before he can intervene with Mac and Redd's table preperation... Mac then heads back to the ring, with Reeve, Krys, and the newly risen Axl stomping away on Stevens. Bloo fights with both Goo and Semen, and Viruz is a bloody mess over by the spot where the big brawl went down... Mac pulls out another table, and pulls it back over here... propping it up, with the legs of one end standing atop the first table, and the other set of legs standing atop our desk! Whatever Mac is looking to do, I hope it cripples Stevens once and for all! And I hope he can't get a prescription for Vicodin!!! Damn... hippie.
Wes: ... Hippie?
Rex: Oh yeah, I WENT there!
Wes: ... Alrighty then. Mac takes a ladder from near the entry way, props it up beside this mass of tables... and now he's beggining to drag Stevens toward the collection of wooden furniture... but Stevens fights it! Mac hits a snap ddt to the Snake, before pointing down to Austin, and then slowly dragging his thumb across his throat, signaling the oncoming demise of the WSE Original. Mac quickly hops up onto the middle rung of the ladder, before beginning his ascension, rung by rung... Stevens makes his way to his feet... to the ladder... and finally, to where Mac rests, and the two begin to trade rights and lefts...
Mac: Hey yo, I'll give you this right handed rookie card for your limited edition leftie!
Stevens: ... What right handed rookie card?
Mac: This'n... right... CH'ERE!
Wes: Mac does a crotch chop, before hooking his arms around Austin's head. He tries to lift Austin backward for the superplex through the tables... but Stevens is sending the rights to the gut... and...
*CRUNCH*
Rex: DAG NABBIT~!!!1a
Wes: Mac has just been sent fifteen feet through the air, and through THREE tables, including our announce desk!
Rex: DAMMIT!
Wes: You're upset about Austin getting the upperhand again?
Rex: No! That dick smashed Mac through our desk, and now my beer's all over the damn floor! I'll never get that beer back!
Wes: Judging from the looks of your beer belly, I'm sure you've had one too many as it is...
Rex: Aw, you wouldn't know. Your idea of a hard drink is a glass of water with no ice!
Wes: I'll have you know I don't use ice in ANY of my drinks!
Fans: HE'S HARDCORE! HE'S HARDCORE!
Rex: These fans remind me of TNA fans. Those iMPACT Zone wankers could watch Samoa Joe picking his nose in the middle of the ring and start chanting "THIS IS AWESOME!!!". It's pathetic, if you ask me.
Wes: Which I'm not. And on that note, Mac is laying near unconciousness right at our feet, with Stevens just now making it back up. It seems as if Axl, Reeve, Krys, and Bloo are whispering about the very same thing Bloo and Mac were talking about a while back...
Rex: It better be a GOOD idea because so far, nothing they've tried has kept this redneck BASTARD down...
Wes: Stevens makes it toward the four... Krystal and Bloo beg off, and after eyeing Stevens angrily, Reeve does as well... Stevens stares down Axl... Axl smiles...
[Reeve begins to sneak up from behind Stevens...]
Rex: YAHOO! BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HIM, REEVE! Beating up people from behind FOR THE WIN!!!
Austin: Hey, thanks for tipping me off, Rexxy! Ol' Drunk Ass thanks ya kindly!
Rex: ... Oh shit.
Wes: Drunk Ass swings around and boots Reeve in the gut, doubling him over... Austin loads up Reeve, and serves one more Drunk Ass Drop for the mWo!!!
Rex: Son of a BITCH! Me and my big friggin' mouth! This is... Dammit, that's it! I've gotta do something, or else that rat bastard is going to ACTUALLY win this tournament, the title, and defeat the mWo! And dammit... I just can't let that happen.
Wes: Oh Scotty, come on now! You know you're just jealous Stevens let me in on the action and the mWo's ignored you like that chick you asked out in catering!
Rex *shouting while walking toward Stevens* : NOT LISTENING!!!
Wes: Rex has dropped his headset, and he's heading toward the Austin... but Stevens senses it, spins around... and DRUNK ASS DROP!!! A wicked one at that! Rex instantly falls to the paved floor... Wow, I don't think he's going to be moving for a while after that... This is horrible!
[You're actually worried about Rex?]
Wes: Oh heck no, Narrator, it's not that. This means I'll probably be joined by some crummy, third string commentator like -
Good ol' Slobbert Knockovich: BAH GAWD BAH GAWD BAH GAWD BAH -
*gun shot*
[Wes shoves a hand gun back into his pocket.]
Wes: Three down, and that completes the set. Thank GOD... and it appears we're being joined now by the Chairman's girlfriend, Krystal Dawn. Good evening, Krys.
Krys: Good evening, Wessy-poo! Do you like my skull earrings?
Wes: Yes, they're quite lovely.
Krys: They match my tattoo. It's on my clit!
Wes: ... Ahem. At any rate, Stevens has taken out Mac, he's taken out Reeve, hell, he's even taken out my broadcast partner Rex!
Krys: Rex rhymes with SEX! Yum, yum, gimme some!
Wes: ... You're a very, very odd, but cute woman.
Krys: Thankies.
Wes: *sigh* Anyhow, Axl and Bloo are whispering, once more, and I think they're ready to throw the plan into action... Stevens is now headed for the both of them, with his sights set primarily on his opponent, the man he MUST defeat in order to reclaim his Xtrmkor title for a third time. Axl has headed through the curtains... wonder where he's going... Bloo boots Stevens in the stomach, and drags him by the neck toward the curtain! The Red, White, and Blue Warrior and the Hair Metal Hero could be taking the Cybernetic Hick anywhere in the building! It seems as though we've got a camera in the back. Let's see where the brawling trio are headed...
[The camera switches to the back, where Axl and Bloo are slamming Austin's face into every last piece of furniture and equipment they can come across. Finally, Axl tosses Stevens toward a door, with Stevens colliding like a semi-truck into a convertible... Bloo cracks his knuckles, and follows them out...]
Wes: What an impact! Stevens smashes into the door, and as soon as he does, the door comes unhinged, with Austin Stevens rolling across the pavement, to the outside. A referee is following Axl and Bloo, as Mac, the former ref, is being attended to by EMTs, along with Reeve, and my partner. I can safely say I'm not sorry for either Reeve or especially Mac... but Rex is a good guy. He's just a bit... lost.
Krys: People say that about me ALLL the time! I just tell them to go away! But do they listen? Nooo... friggin' voices in my head... think they own the place...
Wes: ... Stevens now lays on the ground outside the Hell Hole Arena! Axl sprints toward the prone body of Viruz, while Bloo follows, smiling smugly. As Axl comes within a couple feet of the fallen Garter Snake, he takes to the air, before crashing down with a massive splash! Stevens shakes violently, and Axl begins pounding his right fist over and over into the face of Austin. If Axl keeps this attack up, Stevens may soon be as busted up as Axl is!
Krys: Have you ever seen pink elephants, Wessy?
Wes: No, and I don't intend to start now...
Krys: They're cutie pies.
But they have funny voices... they speak with a thick German accent. Funny, cute, German, pink elephants.Wes: ... Oh... kay. Axl finally seems to have had enough of pounding Austin's face in, and stands up from his fallen brother. Axl grabs Stevens by the hair, lifting him up, before irish whipping him into a ladder stood up against the side of the arena... But Stevens manages to leap in mid-run, hopping onto one of the ladder's rungs! Stevens climbs a bit more... He's climbing all the way to top of the arena entrance! Axl stares up at his foe... a man he's battled a good half hour with it seems, just a bit over that in fact... before looking over at his Yellow VolksWagon Beetle of Evil, parked right by the entrance... Axl pulls the driver's side door open, pulls his key from his pocket, and turns on the ignition... Axl grabs a CD from within the vehicle, and inserts it into the player... Axl presses play.
"Welcome to the jungle,
We got fun 'n' games.
We got everything you want,
Honey we know the names.
We are the people that can find...
Whatever you may need.
If you got the money, honey,
We got your disease...
In the jungle,
Welcome to the jungle...
Watch it bring you to your shun-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh knees, knees...
I wanna watch you bleed!"
Krys: Oooo! Me likey this song! It's by Gum and Rollers!
Wes: ... Close enough. After Axl turns the song up to full blast, he heads for the ladder... Axl begins climbing, rung by rung, till he reaches the top. Axl makes his way atop the building entrance, and as soon as he does, before he can even stand, Stevens begins putting the boots to him. But eventually, Axl finds a way to get up... Axl shoves Austin away, but Austin comes right back. The two men begin to duke it out with punches, back and forth... Stevens sends a right hook Axl's way, which causes the Glam Rockin' Guitar God to teeter close to falling from the entrance... The Yellow VW Beetle looming far below.
Krys: Oooo... shiny car!
Wes: You know, you make FAR more intelligent conversation than Rex, my dear.
Krys: Thankies.
Wes: Not a problem. Stevens comes hurtling toward Axl... leaps into the air... LOU THESZ PRESS... OH MY GYAAAD~!!!1a2
[Drunk Ass rushed towards Axl, sprung into the air, hit the press, and sent the two of them SOARING through the air... with Axl flailing his arms and legs about, they came closer... and closer to the VW Beetle. And finally, they SMASHED through the car windshield, sending glass to fly, and Axl's blood to spill in buckets... but more than odd, Bloo is STILL smiling?]
Wes: Axl is a bloody wreck, Stevens isn't much better, and Axl's windshield is KAPUT... Stevens, entirely out of breath, struggles to even drape an arm across the chest of Axl... He just BARELY manages to place a hand atop Axl... the ref slaps his hand against the car's hood...
One...
Two...
Krys: Chippermunkey!!!
Wes: ...
Ref: Three!
Wes: HE DID IT! "Drunk Ass" ACTUALLY did it! After a HUGE battle, Drunk Ass pulled out everything he could, and he got him the Xtrmkor championship! Sports fans, I gotta say -
[Suddenly, Redd W. rips Drunk Ass from the car wreckage... and goozles him for a chokeslam... staring him dead in the eyes.]
Redd: When you're Xtmkor... you're Xtreme... twenty four, seven. That's what that little belt of yours MEANS... on the line, no matter where you are, no matter what you're doing... or just got finished doing.
Redd: And when you're mWo? You're mWo...
*CHOKESLAM!*
Redd: ... 4 Eva'.
Wes: I can't friggin' believe this! Redd goes for the pin cover... and gets the one, two, three! This is un-bee-LIEVABLE! After all that trouble, all the torment, all the blood, sweat and tears... all the hell Stevens went through for that gold, and with ONE move, it's all taken away from him! This is... this is...
Krys: TUNA~!!!1a
Wes: ...
===============
mac-mac-mac...
===============
mac-mac-mac...
===============
[Nitro returns to the ring, where standing in the center of the circled square, is not Howard Fecal, but former WSE ring announcer guy 'Rat Bore'.]
Rat: Hi there ho there many peoples in audience of that which is to being Entertaining World of Sports Which is not Wrestling!
Fans: ...
Rat: For many ages, my people have saying ; You no get this! You no get this, damn german! And with that much, enjoy this the show match, you bitch cake chicken fuckers!
Wes Rivers: Hello sports fans, and welcome BACK to Nitro... where my colleague has returned after getting knocked the FUCK out!
Rex Winters: Oh, wow, thank you for the concern... bastard.
Wes: Yes, that's right sports fans, WSE Nitro! And this is its season premiere, only on the Disney Channel! The second episode of Nitro, the FIRST event of 2010... and this IS WSE's second year of existence!
Rex: Why must the torture endure! Just... just shoot me. Please. Get it over with...
Wes: Well, we've made it to our main event. I still can't believe the TRAGEDY that took place right before the break. The mWo found a way, somehow, to STILL grab that gold for itself... even if it came in the form of a supposed "patriot". Let me say this, Mr. Bloo. You may love your country, but if you loved your company? Then you'd KNOW you're making a deal with the devil.
Rex: Oh come ON! Mac is here, Jack is GONE! Get with the program, or get gone, biz-nitch!
Wes: I dunno Rex... Jack Hoff may not have seen his last days here in World Sports Entertainment just yet...
Rat Bore: Following being first EVER of Royal Royales in here which is World's Strongest Entertainment! Is being main events of evenings! 40 mans! 40 womens! 40 items of inanimate! Only some of each! Time for guy who fucked as can be to make entry way!
Wes: Rat's got it right, Rex. Whomever drew first has got his work more than cut out for him.
Rex: And I care because... ?
Wes: ... And awaaay we GO!
["I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred plays, and out comes D-Jobberation X's "HeadAche Kid" Ron Mitchells. He has a balding head of brown hair, wears a D-Jobberation X tee, a goofy, hot pink and lime green cowboy hat, and hot pink and lime green D-JX pants.]
Rat: Him first being ; HEAD ACHE KID!
["I'm Too Sexy" continues to play, and Ron Mitchells struts down the ramp, tagging the hands of a few people. ... Who'm I kidding, nobody's giving this guy the time of day. Poor bastard... Anyway, he gets in the ring, and Rat continues.]
Rat: And opponent of his! Him be Calgary, Alberta, Canadian! Him be Crippled! Him be Rabid! Him be Prove Me Wrong! Champion of Former WCW... 27 time Heavy World Champion Weight... 1 time Royal Rumbles winner... CHRIS.............................................. BENOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!~!!~!1a2b L
Rex: Damn that's a major over use of letters and punctuation!
Rat: That's my bacon!
Rex: ... The fuck?
["Whatever" by Our Lady Peace hits, and out he comes... you know who.]
Wes: Yes sports fans, it's the man once believed to be dead! "Once", as in until just before this ring introduction! It's Chris Benoyt! ... I mean Chris BENOIT! Damn Rat Bore...
Rex: We are SO going to hell...
Wes: Whadya mean?
Rex: Nothing...
Wes: Benoit is wearing the legendary "4 Real" spandex tights, and is popping his neck to the left and right as he was always known to do. Plus, he's in a wheelchair and foaming at the mouth.
Rex: Yeah, minor details... Is this seriously happening? This... this makes me feel icky.
Wes: Icky or not, Benoit is ready to RUMBLE!
Rex: Even though he can't get into the ring because... well, the guy's in a goddam wheelchair. Can somebody help him in PLEASE?! I seriously don't want to spend the rest of my night watching a murderer get into a wrestling ring on a wheelchair while he's foaming at the mouth...
Wes: While we're waiting for someone to get their lazy ass over there and assist this guy, and hopefully not to another suicide... This is the third EVER Royal Royale here in WSE. The first being held at the end of 2008, the second at the start of 2009, and now, the 2010 edition. The rules are simple ; 40 different entrants, ranging from men, to women, to, as has been mentioned, inanimate objects... there will be two initial participants, and every 3 minutes a new competitor will step into the fray. At the end of the approximately 2 hour match, there will be a sole survivor, and that survivor WILL become the NEW World Sports Entertainment CHAMPION!
Rex: Yup... simple. Just like all the other WSE matches that require an instruction manual to understand... Just call us TNA 2.0.
Wes: Well, Benoit is finally in the ring, and... there's the bell! And Benoit is off and chasing Mitchells around the ring with that wheelchair!
Rex: ... THIS IS RETARDED!
Wes: Mitchells... Mitchells just eliminated HIMSELF! He just could not stand being chased around by that wheelchair!
Rex: *smashing his face against the desk* KILL... ME... NOW...
Wes: Benoit is raising his fists to the heavens above!
Rex: Which is the closest he'll ever find himself to that place...
Wes: The buzzer has sounded and it's time for another entrant...
Speakers: STAND BACK... A DAN is comin' through!
Wes: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT'S DAN! IT'S DAN! HOLY SHIT, IT'S DAN!
Rex: Who the FUCK is 'Dan'?
Wes: SUPER Dan! He's... well, he's SUPER! He's Super Heroic, that's what he is!
Rex: How is he "super heroic"?
Wes: He once saved a cat from a tree!
Rex: ... Wow.
Wes: SuperDan flies down the ramp! SuperDan slides under the bottom rope! SuperDan -
Rex: "SuperDan" is now running from Chris Benoit in that fucking wheelchair. Does this match even have a point?
Wes: To crown the NEW WSE Champ!
Rex: Why can't we just do it the old fashioned way and draw a name from a hat? ... Screw it.
Wes: SuperDan... DAMMIT!
Rex: Ha! He flew, Wes! Right over the top rope, and that wheelchair's chased off yet another potential "winner". This match just gets worse and worse, honestly...
10...
9...
8...
Wes: Well, we're counting down to another entrant.
Rex: The only way this match could save itself is if someone WORTHY entered into it...
7...
6...
5...
Rex: Someone strong... smart... and quick as a whip... and dammit, I think I know just the man for the job!
4... 3... 2...
...1!!!
[The buzzer sounds, and in comes...]
Wes: REX?! Dammit Rex, you can't make it in that ring, you'll get torn apart! You've ALREADY had your ass laid out by "Drunk Ass", and now you want to be killed as well?!
Rex: By this cripple? Seriously? *looks at Benoit* Ha! Chris, you've REALLY let yourself go, lemme tell ya. Ya look like f'n Old Yeller with that froth at your lips! C'mon, just TRY and chase me, I DARE ya!
Benoit: PROVE ME WRONG!!!
Rex: Is that all you ever say? You're like a broken frickin' record... you know what, speaking of "broken", how about I break your neck? Or your arm? How about I just break that ugly FACE of yours! Benoit... you're dead. And I'm gonna prove... me... RIGHT!
[Rex magically pulls out a dumb bell... and a rope. He ties the rope 'round the dumb bell, before smiling deviously at Benoit.]
Rex: Second time's the charm.
Wes: Don't do it Rex! He's not worth it! And besides, we'll probably get our asses sued by everyone within a seven thousand mile radius!!! Crap, and I was planning on entering as "Wes Guerrero". So much for that idea...
[Rex wraps the loose end of the rope around Benoit's throat, as "The Crippler" tries desperately to break free. Rex then lugs the dumb bell over to the ropes... and heaves it over, sending the dumb bell, the rope, AND Benoit all over the top rope!]
Rat Bore: Him is eliminate, Benoit with first name of Chris! Everybody happy!
Wes: You can say that again, we were about to get Nitro kicked off the air on its debut here on Disney... Haven't we already done about twelve million things this Channel dissaproves of?
Rex: Hell if I know.
Wes: Oh, Rex? You're back at the desk!
Rex: Yeppers. I just HAD to ditch that murderous bastard myself. Plus... I really just got tired of seeing people running around from a fuckin' wheelchair. After I tossed that idiot, I went ahead and eliminated myself. I don't need the World Title to prove I'm da bomb... everybody knows THAT already.
Wes: Well sports fans, after the break, we'll -
- ads -
Wes: And we're back!
Rex: Just like WWE... RIGHT in the middle of the action. Well... talking. Jeez, one thing about Mac, he does NOT wait around to get a few bills paid...
Wes: ANYWAY... during the break, the ring filled with entrants # 5 - 20.
Rex: Wait a damn minute... that break was only like four or five minutes long... wouldn't it take like, an hour to -
Wes: AHEM! The list reads off like a who's not of professional amateur fake-ass e-sports entertainment wrasslin' STUPID STARS!
#5 : The Rock
#6 : Stone Cold Stick Awesome
#7 : "Hollywood" Hulk Glue Gun
#8 : "Nature Toy" Tick Flair
#9 : Scott Ball
#10 : Kevin 'Stache
#11 : 6-Pack
#12 : Jeff Arbyz
#13 : THE Fryin' Kendrick
#14 : Mr. Christmas Tree... Christmas Tree
#15 : Mick Doiley
#16 : String
#17 : "The Pasty Boy" Saggy Knobb
#18 : Taz
#19 : Val Penis
and
#20 : "Macho Chair" Wheelie Savage
Rex: Ok... that just looks like a bunch of random junk to me. And that one is just the frickin' wheelchair with HeadAche Kid's dorky cowboy hat tacked on. >:^(
Wes: No, no, Rex, they're obviously LEGENDS!
Rex: Wes, it's a rock, a stick, a glue gun, a "The Tick" action figure, a ball, a fake mustache, a six pack of beer, an empty "Arby's" bag, a frying pan, a CRAPPY looking Christmas tree, a doiley, a piece of string, a broken door knob, a Taz looney tunes plushie, a... dildo. ... the less said about that, the better... and of course, the FUCKING wheelchair. Please don't tell me we have to watch that gathering of garbage day leftovers for THREE MINUTES! >:^(
Wes: Nyope, because we've just passed the 3 minute mark, and you know what THAT means!
Rex: ... Somebody's coming out?
Wes: Literally!
Rex: ... Huh?
Wes: It's time for our first ACTUAL WSE entrant!
["Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" hits, and out comes... raYne! Another WSE Original we haven't seen in a while! "The Storm" arrives in the flashiest of hot pink attire, his hair wild and multi-colored, and his nails painted a bright ice blue. His lips are glossed, and his eyebrows are plucked...]
Wes: It's raYne!
Rex: Oh dear lord no... I HATE this guy! Please tell me someone good like Redd W. Bloo or maybe even a returning Val Halla is coming out next to beat the shit out of this moron?!
Wes: Sorry Rex, but not for another two or three pages of the script...
Rex: Dammit...
Wes: Yes sports fans, the openly homosexual "Storm" of World Sports Entertainment is BACK! He rushes down to the ring, and slides in under the bottom rope... and... he stops. raYne, take it to those icons of this sport! Show them what you've got! Show the WORLD!
Rex: ... THEY'RE INANIMATE OBJECTS! Are you DENSE man?!
Wes: Rex, stop it with the breaking kay fabe! Oy vey!
Rex: ... You've GOT to be kidding me?! Anyone can see that this is... wait, what in the hell? raYne is laying down?! ... And now he's draping Hulk Glue Gun over himself?! ... YES!!! You go girl! Get yourself eliminated! There truly IS a god!
Wes: The ref is stunned by this... and quite frankly, so am I.
[And then... "Iron Man" played over the speakers. And the Earth stood still.]
Wes: OH GOD NO!!! It can't be!
Rex: ... Shit. Maybe this isn't as good as I had hoped... If that bastard is involved, then...
[Vince Russo walks solemnly down the aisle, stopping at the edge of the ring, bellowing into a microphone.]
Russo: GOD DAMMIT! Referee, count the fuckin' fall! That basta'd Hulkst'a wants his belt, then fuckin' give it tah him! But Glue Gun, lemme tell ya this, and I hope ya old geez'a ass is listenin' : That belt can be the Hulk Glue Gun memorial belt as far as I'm concerned, cuz as for WSE, your ass is HISTORY!!! Ya damn... GLUE GUN! Think you OWN the place! With ya nozzle that dispenses adhesive substances!
[The referee looks at Russo as if he's mentally handicapped.]
Rex: The referee's mentally handicapped?
[RUSSO!]
Rex: Ohhh...
[But, the ref does as he's told, and counts the one, two, three. Even though this is an over-the-top-rope elimination match. Jesus christ...]
Rat Bore: raYne him be eliminate! I guess!
Rex: This is a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE MATCH! Damn it to hell!
Wes: And we're down to the Final 35!
Rex: You mean we got rid of a whole FIVE already?! AWESOME! SRSLY! I'm so NOT being sarcastic! Fuck it, I'm clawing my eyes out... somebody hand me "Stone Cold" Stick Awesome...
Rat Bore: Now for being entry way numero number 22... Vincent Kennedy Russo!
Rex: ... I hate this match so much I hate myself. And trust me, that takes ALOT... I'm so loveable.
Wes: Russo is apparently shocked by this development, not expecting to be involved with this contest in THIS form. Russo looks around himself... before pouncing on The Rock! Russo is dismanteling Rocky single-handedly! It's unbelievable!
Rex: Yes... yes it is, actually. It's unbelievable, how, JUST when you think this fed couldn't get any worse... it does. BRAV-FUCKIN'-O!!!
Wes: Russo lifts the rock up, and drops it down upon Hollywood Glue Gun!
Russo: DAMN YOU GLUE GUN! Damn... you... straight... to... HELL~!!!1a
Wes: Russo has broken the Hulkster!
Rex: ... This is just plain obnoxious. I'm about to flip the channel...
Wes: You can't Rex, you're here. Live. You're not watching it on tv.
Rex: Oh FUCK... I'm in HELL!!!
Wes: Russo gathers up the bits of the glue gun, and chucks them over the top rope. Glue Gun has been eliminated! He then tosses The Rock over... and there goes another elimination!
Rex: Whoopie-dee-goddam-doo... We're nowhere near the end, so I'm totally unenthralled. This is about as action-packed as a battle royal on Smackdown... especially the one where Khali won. God that sucked... but somehow, some way this tops the sheer sucktitude of Khali's battle royal victory. And that, my friends, is saying something...
Wes: Russo is staring down Mick Doiley!
Rex: The dude's "staring down" a table covering. ... How much does that speak for the man's IQ? I mean, seriously?
Wes: Doiley is awaiting Russo to make the first move...
Rex: Because obviously "Mick" can't make it...
Wes: Russo drops an elbow on Doiley! And it connects!
Rex: ... GODDAM IT! That's it, Wes, you can do this shit with Narrator, or you can do it yourself, but I'm out of here...
Wes: But Rex!
[Sorry Wes... he's gone.]
Wes: Well... crap. ... Wait! I've got an idea! Narrator, call back Rex!
Rex: Hey.
Wes: ... That was quick.
[I'm MAGIC!]
Rex: So... what is it?
Wes: This is a HARDCORE Royal Royale! And there's 18 entrants left!
Rex: Wait, so you're telling me those are streetfight weapons?
Wes: ... Yup!
Rex: I thought you said, like, that's "Stone Cold Stick Awesome"...
Wes: It's a stick, Rex, a stick! Nothing more, nothing less!
Rex: ... and I thought you said THAT was "Mick Doiley" ...
Wes: A table cloth, Rex, nothing more, nothing less!
Rex: And how about "Val Penis"?
Wes: A dildo, Rex, nothing more, nothing less!
Rex: Ok... fine. So who are the first participants in this "Hardcore" Royal Royale?
Wes: Well, the first is Vince Russo.
Rex: Oh brother...
Wes: And the second will be out here after these -
- ads -
Wes: And welcome back sports fans! WSE StupidStar, Jack Bull, the Southern Fried Country Boy, is standing mid-ring, fists balled up and ready to lay it down on Russo!
Rex: And THANKFULLY, Russo just fled from the ring! We're finally down to seventeen!
Wes: Just in time for the buzzer!!!
Speakers: The End is near. War Hammer... I COMMAND YOU~!!!1a
Rex: THANK GOD!!! VAL HALLA'S HERE! A star that's actually worth a damn! And it's not even me!
Wes: Well, another WSE Original has returned! And with his history with Jack Hoff you know he couldn't turn on the loyalists!
Rex: Wes... Redd W. was Jack's right hand man just the same as Val... and you know what Redd's done tonight.
Wes: Oh... well, Val is a man of tradition and loyalty. I'm more than certain that the mWo has an ENEMY in Val Halla!
["The End of the World" by Dio hits, and a pre-recorded "Val Hal-La!" chant plays... gold lights shine about, and the God of War, Val Halla, marches out from the curtains, hoisting his trusty War Hammer.]
Wes: Val takes that hammer wherever he goes. A sledge, decorated at the end of the handle with one black feather, one white.
Rex: He's AWESOME!
Wes: He's also your crush.
Rex: Hey! He is NOT my "crush"! Just because I hold the record for most posters of another man taped across my walls... and perhaps a shrine or two... does NOT mean I'm gay for the guy! He's a WSE ICON!!~!
Wes: Well... we've really only existed for a year, so calling him an "icon" is... well, a bit of a stretch, dont'cha think?
Rex: Dude, a year in an e-fed? Is like 7 YEARS for... well, TNA.
Wes: ANYWAY... Val stomps into the ring, and as Bull goes for a fist to the mush, Val catches it... and -
Rex: BIG BOOT! Bull just got sent head over heels from that simply MONSTROUS big boot! And now my man Val is grabbing the stick for this "hardcore" Royale... he lifts it up... before cracking it across Bull's side!
Wes: Jack Bull is writhing in pain! The much smaller man in Bull is taking a beating here!
Rex: He reminds me of Jamie Noble.
Wes: You mean in physique and his southern personality?
Rex: Nope. In the fact that, after Val Halla gets done with him, Bull may be out of a job. Just call Val the Norse Sheamus.
Wes: Well, irregardless, Val is really taking it to poor Bull... but the buzzer has just sounded! We're about to see another entrant!
Speakers: It's-a me... a-MARIO~!!!
Rex: Oh NO!
Wes: I sense back-up arriving for Jack!
Rex: It's that damn do-gooder, Major Mario! He needs to keep his nose out of this!
Wes: Well... he IS in the match, Rex...
Rex: Oh... well, still, that's not the point! He needs to go after Jeff Arbyz or something!
Wes: That's an empty Arby's bag!
Rex: WHATEVER!
Wes: Major Mario stampedes down the ramp, slides into the ring, and begins to blast away on Val Halla with those Mushroom Kingdom sized rights! Val is being backed up into a corner... Mario backs up to the other side of the ring... before hitting a VICOUS splash, colliding with Val! And Val is left sprawled out, center of the ring.
10...
9...
8...
Wes: The big screen is counting down the seconds until the next entrant... uh... enters!
7...
6...
5...
Rex: I just hope it's not someone worse than Russo or raYne... or another inanimate object...
4... 3... 2...
... 1!
Speakers: EL TACO! UNO BURRITO! DEL GRANNNDDDEEE'~!!!
["Low Rider" by War hits, and the "Fat Ass Luchador", Mr. E, walks through the curtains... and already has to catch his breath!]
Wes: ASTOUNDING!
Rex: Well, while fatty catches his breath, Val Halla and Major Mario are going back and forth inside the ring...
Wes: Mario swings a left, but Val ducks under, turns around, and drops Mario with a reverse ddt! Val bounds off the ropes, leaps into the air, and drops down upon Mario with a forceful body splash! He brought down all his weight with that one! Val then grabs onto Mario's hair, and tries to chuck him over the top... but Mario clings to the ropes. Mario elbows Val in the gut, before tossing Val over the top himself! But Val hangs on! Val rolls back into the ring under the bottom rope... he picks Mario's legs, climbs onto him, and starts pounding away with rights and lefts aplenty!
Rex: Finally, we're getting a little bit of action here! And Mr. E is still far, far from the ring, so hopefully the good stuff will keep on coming!
Wes: Val irish whips... or is that Norse Whips?... Mario into the ropes... the Plumbing Punisher springs off, comes toward Val Halla .... SPINEBUSTER! Spine on the pine!
Rex: Yes!
Wes: Mr. E is on the apron!
Rex: No!
Wes: Val whips Mario into Mr. E. ... and E is sent flying through the air, crashing into the fan barricade!
Rex: Yahoo! Man, I hope that counts as an elimination...
Referee: I'll allow it!
Rex: HELL YES!
Wes: And Mario and Val Halla are back to fighting one another. Val raises Mario above his head, in a gorilla press... before dropping Mario down, face first, over the top turnbuckle! Mario is stumbling... Val captures him, and locks on one of his finishers, the "End is Near"! A bearhug with all the force of the mighty Zeus! Val lifts Mario up... and SLAMS him with a simply massive spinebuster! ... But... Major Mario pops right back up!
Rex: Has he just gotten a 1-up or WHAT?!
Wes: Mario turns around, and hooks Val up for the Warp-Pipe Plex!!! One German Suplex... he rolls through... and there's the second, with a release! AND VAL IS SENT OVER THE TOP! He... is... OUTTA THERE!
Rex: FUCK!
Wes: But Jack Bull just came up from behind Mario... and he dumped HIM over the top rope!
Rex: I totally forgot about him...
Wes: And so did Major Mario! Mario's gone, and that leaves Bull alone in the ring momentarily.
Rex: Besides the buncha "hardcore" junk...
10 ... 9 ... 8 ...
Wes: Sports fans, we'll be back right after these -
- ads -
Wes: And we're back! Inside the ring is Jack Bull, Jippy Jam the Japanese Jughead, "The Extrateresstrial Sk8er Boi" Zorlax Firling, The Brown Power Ranger, "The Darkly Black Emo Dude" Kruzifix, "The l33t hAX0r" Viruz, "The All-Around All-Star Athlete" Luscious Melancholy Nasdaq Oxford Porterhouse, and the 16 year old warrior, Goo the Adventurer!
Rex: Wow... that's alotta guys. All in like... six minutes. Talk about heading into rush mode...
Wes: Goo rushes into Zorlax, who lifts Goo up into the air... Goo leaps over Zorlax, and winds up smacking Jippy in the face with a missile dropkick! Jippy flies over the top rope... but hangs on! Jippy soars back into the ring, sunset flipping over Viruz, rolling this into a sharpshooter... but Viruz ends up turning this somehow into his patented "Viruz Skan" dragonsleeper! He's trying to weaken Jippy up to toss him over the top rope!
Rex: Or, he coulda just forgot you can only win the match by tossing your opponents over the top rope. All these guys are about as dumb as a bag of snails!
Wes: But don't let THEM hear you say that!
Rex: Oh ho ho... I won't.
Wes: LMNOP goes for a superkick to Kruzifix, but Kruz ducks under... and LMNOP slams his foot into the face of the Brown Ranger! And Brownie is sent flying over the top rope! Both feet touch the floor, and the Ranger is GONE!
Rex: Holy smokes! We're ACTUALLY down to 13 entrants! It's a damn miracle!
Wes: Zorlax just drove the wheel chair across the ring, and into the abdomen of Jippy Jam! Jippy collapses onto the chair, and Zorlax dumps Jippy AND the chair out and over the top rope!
Rex: 12!!! 12 entrants, vlah ha ha!
Wes: Zorlax then goes for a flying forearm to Kruzifix, but the bigger man ducks down a bit, and proceeds to backbody drop Zorlax up and over the top to the outside! Kruz turns around and smiles down at the fallen Firling, admiring his handiwork... but the emo monster receives a DILDO to the back!
Rex: Viruz just slapped Kruzifix in the back with a dildo! ... I can NOT believe I just said that...
Wes: And the dildo didn't do any good, unfortunately for Vi...
Rex: Come on, he honestly thought that was gonna work? I mean, I know the guy's dumb, but he must be even dumber than I thought!!!
Wes: Kruz spins around, hooks his meaty claws around Vi's throat... lifts him up, and tosses him abruptly over his shoulder, and over the top rope! Viruz HAS been eliminated!!
Rex: Kruz is going ballistic on the other three men left in the ring! Chokeslam to Jack Bull! Powerbomb to Goo the Adventurer! DDT to Luscious Melancholony uh... whatever the hell that guy's name is!
Wes: Kruzifix lifts up Jack Bull... and he's going for the Crown of Thorns, a modified tombstone!
Rex: Sing-a-long with me, now - "Modified" in name alone!
Wes: And he hits it! Bull is out like a light. Kruz pulls Bull over to the ropes, and topples him over... and Bull is the next one off the list!
Rex: We needed this Kruzifix guy a while back! He's swattin' 'em like flies! We wouldn't have had to go through all this if Kruz was entrant #1! He's my pick to go all... the... WAY!
Wes: Kruzifix is stalking Goo and LMNOP... they're both cowering away from the larger man... we could be ready to add another two notches on the chalk board...
[Suddenly, "Kryptonite" by 3 Doors Down hits, and WSE's resident super hero, SuperGuyManDudePerson, flies down the ramp, sliding in under the bottom rope, and... he flies through the air with a cross-body block!]
Wes: Supes just collided with Kruzifix, sending them BOTH over the top rope and to the outside!
Rex: Now how dumb was THAT?! What kinda dipshit eliminates himself just to eliminate someone else?!
Wes: A SUPER dipshit!
Rex: ... Ah.
Wes: Goo tosses the ball at LMNOP's head... which bounces off. ... LMNOP is MAD!
Rex: And I'm mad this isn't over yet...
Wes: LMNOP grabs the frying pan, and tosses THAT at Goo! And... that hurts just a bit more than the plastic ball!
Rex: Ya THINK?!
Wes: Goo falls to his knees, and LMNOP runs in with a flying dropkick to the mush... Goo drops flat on his face, and LMNOP grabs ahold of the string... before wrapping this around Goo's neck and beginning to choke him out!
Rex: Goo is thrashing about wildly, but it's of no use! Goo finally manages to grab the door knob, which he uses to swing backward, connecting with LMNOP's head! Luscious stumbles backward... Goo bounces off the ropes, leaps up, and snaps off a lightning quick hurricanrana!
Wes: LMNOP is dazed and confused! And now Goo's grabbing the 6-pack!
Rex: I guess HE wants to be dazed and confused now? And he's only SIXTEEN! For shame...
Wes: Goo shakes up the pack... before spraying all six cans all over the prone body of LMNOP! Luscious is bathing in suds!
10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4...
Wes: There's only five more entrants left in this contest! Who could they be?!
3... 2...
Rex We're about to find out one of them right now...
... 1!!!
Speakers: N-I-C... K-E-Y... M-O-W-S-E!!!
["It's a Small World Land" by the Goof Troop hits, and out comes everybody's favorite "Rated G Stupid Star", Nickey Mowse! He has buck-teeth, long, brown hair... He wears a hat which is black with mickey mouse-like ears... big, yellow gloves... red shorts with yellow buttons... He wears a plain, black t-shirt... and big, floppy, yellow bowling shoes. He is, indeed, the crappiest looking mickey mouse imposter in HISTORY!]
Wes: Now there's an achievement to write home about...
Rex: Hey, he may look crummy for a mickey mouse, but he's not too shabby for a jobber. Which is... well, what he pretty much amounts to, when Disney doesn't force us to throw him a bone...
Wes: Hey! I told you once and I'll tell you a hundred times, don't break kay fabe dash gummit!
Rex: ... Me no speaky english!
Wes: That won't work! ... Not a second time, anyway...
Rex:
[Mowse slides into the ring...]
Wes: Right fist to LMNOP, left fist to Goo, and they've both been sent crumbling to the canvas!
Rex: Nickey picks up the Christmas tree... and he brings it crashing down over LMNOP and Goo!!! Not as if that's really going to hurt... but who'm I to nit pick.
Wes: Isn't that all you ever do?
Rex: >:^(
Wes: Mowse crouches down in a corner... and as soon as LMNOP stands, Mowse goes for the spear... but LMNOP dives out of the way! And Mowse spears Goo!!! And they BOTH are sent over the top rope... to the OUTSIDE!!!
Rat Bore: Eliminate they is Goo Man Chew and he of Mowse!
Wes: We're down to the Final Five!
Rex: HALLE-FRICKIN'-LUJAH~!!!
Wes: LMNOP is left, inside the ring, grabbing at his stomach, as he's had a sore time in there.
["Back in Black" hits... and the lights go black and white]
Rex: And it looks like he's about to have an even MORE sore time! Bwahahaha! The boss is HERE!
Wes: Oh right, suck up to him, eh Rex?
Rex: Well, I figure, Jack Hoff is gone, Mac Bry is now writing the checks... may as well cater to the guy that actually matters, right?
Wes: But it's not just THE Mac that's coming out... it's Reeve, Axl, and Mac's chick, Krystal Dawn! What do the mWo have to do with this? I mean, I understand that, with this match determining the champion, they have a bit of vested interest in it... But they couldn't possibly have anything on their mind other than disrupting things! One of the next four entrants MUST be Redd W. Bloo, or another mWo turncoat, that's the only way I see it!
Rex: They're getting into the ring... and Mac is whispering something to the ref? And now the ref is telling Rat something...
Rat Bore: Entrant way numero numbers of 37, 38, 39 AND 40... they be m... W... ooo!!! Great job!
Wes: Wait a damn minute! You're telling me not just one, not just two, not just three, but ALL FOUR members of the mWo are now in this?! LMNOP does not stand a CHANCE!
Rex: This is GREAT!
Wes: How is this "great"?! This isn't right! Mac can't do this!
Rex: Hello Wes, you DO remember what show you're at, correct? This is the main event of WSE Nitro, right? And Mac is the new Chairman of WSE! So he can do any damn thing he pleases!
Wes: Argghh... I cannot believe this! Sports fans, will ANYone be able to stand a chance against the combined force of the mWo?!
Rex: I don't think so, and I LOVE it!
Wes: LMNOP charges at Mac... but Reeve and Axl hit the double clothesline just as Luscious comes close. Axl and Reeve are laying in the boots... Reeve grabs up LMNOP and sends him into the ropes... but LMNOP hooks himself on. Axl goes to deliever a blow, but LMNOP ducks under and drops Axl to the outside! .... but Axl remains on the apron, DAMMIT! Axl hooks LMNOP by the arms, still standing on the apron... and Reeve begins throwing a few gut punches. Axl shoves Luscious, before stepping back inside...
Rex: Step inside, walk this way... you and me babe, HEY HEY!
Wes: Reeve slings LMNOP into the ropes once again... and the Coming Outsiders hit the double flap jack! Mac is prepping to send LMNOP over the top... and Krystal is just kinda... off in her own little world...
Rex: Damn she's cute...
Wes: She's your Chairman's GIRLFRIEND!!!
Rex: I know... think he'd share?! Heheh.
Wes: You really ARE despicable! Ugh... anyhell, Reeve tries to irish whip Luscious Melancholy Nasdaq Oxford Porterhouse into the ropes... but LMNOP reverses the irish whip at the very last second!
Rex: HOLY HELL! How in the WORLD is Lameboy Mashed-puhtaters Nonsense Somethin' or 'Nother doing this?!
Wes: Well, for one, his name isn't -
Rex: YES!!!
Wes: Awww... crap.
Rex: All FOUR members of the mWo just QUADRUPLE dropkicked LMNOP right... on... OUTTA THERE! Suck on THAT, bee-yotch! YES to the MAX!!!
Wes: Now come ON! This... this CAN'T be legal!!!
Mac: I'll allow it!
Wes: AGH!!! This is ludicrous!
Chris Bridges: Nope, that'd be me.
Wes: Who the hell are you?
Chris Bridges: Ludacris. And I'm sooo hood!
Wes: ...
Rex: Mac is motioning toward the ref, and Rat... and... and the ref is raising Mac's hand! ... AND Krystal's! And now he's raising BOTH of the Coming Outsiders hands! HAHA! I... I THINK I know what just happened!
Wes: You have to absolutely gotta be kidding me...
Rat Bore: Winner of match, and NEW World Sports -
[Mac whispers into Rat's ear...]
Rat Bore: Ooo, excuuuse ME! Rat just have has been informified... that new THE BELT champ-wan... not that other, crappy name, but mWo THE BELT Champ-wan!!! ... is ... THE mWo!!!
Wes: God DAMMIT all to HELL! And now that bastard turncoat, Redd W. Bloo, is running down here like he's the torch bearer at the Olympics, holding that STOLEN Xtrmkor title... and he's joining these sacrilegous BLASPHEMERS in their vile, evil little celebration! They're EVIL! All evil, I tells ya!
Rex: Haha, HA! And I am lov-ing-IT! Baby, this is the greatest goddam night in WSE history! Scratch that, WSE / mWo history!
Wes: Yes, and it helps that it's the first night of WSE / mWo history... things can ONLY get better from here... impossible to get any worse, that's for damn sure...
Mac: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I TOLD you we'd do it... and now, at the END of the night... we have. We've taken over. Both titles... We've shown just how much the so-called "WSE Originals" suck when compared to TRUE talent... and furthermore -
[SUDDENLY... the lights cut out.]
"Living Dead Girl" by Rob Zombie hits... and the lights return... with Mac layed out in the middle of the squared circle, surrounded by a pool of his own blood! Bloo, Reeve, Axl and Krys are all bound and gagged in the four corners of the ring...]
Rex: Holy SHIT! It's... It's...
Wes: It's the UnderBaker! We haven't seen him in months! ... Well, I mean, even months before we were actually gone... for months.
Rex: The Chef of Death has returned! Crimeny... I love the mWo and all... but this dude is DEADLY!
Wes: Admit it... they're roast duck.
Rex: SHADDAP!
['Baker is clad in a black, flowing trenchcoat, and black chef's hat... He wears a pair of black pants with purple fork and spoon stitched on the sides, forming crosses... He slides his thumb across his throat, signaling for the demise of THE Mac. 'Baker lifts up Mac, brings him up in powerbomb position... before bringing him careening down, over the top rope, with the "Last Meal" jacknife, all the way to the outside floor!]
Wes: THE mWo may be "THE Champion" of THE Belt, but with one swift motion, the 'Baker has catapulted himself into their worst nightmares!
Rex: The Chef of Death is back, and like it or not, I have to admit he's prepped to dismantle the mWo... But I KNOW they're already formulating a plan!
Wes: Sure. Mac is nearly DEAD outside, and his girl, buddies, and hand chosen Xtrmkor champ can hardly even breath INside! Yeah, they have a plan alright... and it involves lots, and LOTS of ice.
['Baker lowers to one knee, and extends a hand to the sky, holding a loave of bread... as "Eat It" by 'Weird' Al Yankovic plays over the speaker system. UnderBaker rises up, and grabs a microphone, the music continuing to play, with the arena engulfed in a funky black light effect...]
UnderBaker: Mac... as well as the rest of the mWo... you have tempted the fates one time too many. The Temple of Buttered Toast declares... that on the second Sunday, of the second month, of the tenth year, of the third millenium... that a Savior of Sacred Muffins WILL bring down that which is wicked... in the eyes of the almighty Wheat. Mac Bry... Axl, Reeve... Krystal... mWo. As sure as I am John Semen, Austin Stevens, Viruz, Goo, and many others are prepared for the task at hand... I am even more prepared to take care of you wretched souls alone. A Saint Valentine's Massacre is on the horizon... and I will make certain... that, without a shadow of a doubt... the four of you WILL...
Rest...
...in...
YEEEAAASSSTTT!!!!
[As the UnderBaker rolls his eyes into the back of his skull, "Eat It" rises in volume, and the WSE faithful raise their fists to "The Chef of Death", with 'Eat It' playing it the background.]
Wes: Sports fans, what can I tell you, but, ORDER KISSY FACE SNUGGLE BUNNY DAY!
Rex: Jeez... that name still makes me feel kinda... tingly. I dunno if I'm in love with the new direction WSE's headed... or I just need to head to the back and find my Valentine's edition of PentHouse... LESBIAN CUPIDS, FTW!!!~!
Wes: The WSE vs mWo war has truly begun, sports fans. For Rex Winters, this is Wes Rivers saying, thank you for tuning into this debut on the Disney Channel. I hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.
Rex: Some parts may have sucked as much as they ever have in the past year... but I really think I might start sticking around with you every week here at ringside. ... Are pigs flying above my head, or WHAT?!
Wes: Sports fans... goodnight.
|ads|
===============
NEH-EH! Not so fast, ya sorry sum-bitch...
===============
NEH-EH! Not so fast, ya sorry sum-bitch...
===============
RWB: See ya guys! And remember, say your vitamins, drink your prayers, and do your homework! It's the AMERICAN WAY!
[Redd W. is seen, Xtrmkor title over his shoulder, waving goodbye to his mWo cohorts, who are heading off in their seperate vehicles... Krys and Mac on their mWo Chopper, and the Coming Outsiders in the VW Beetle of Evil... with Redd heading into his red, white and blue Ford pick-up truck. Redd smiles through his stars and striped mask, jingling his keys and patting the strap he holds so preciously...]
? : So... you warmin' muh belt, WHAT?!, I said yer warmin' muh belt fer me, eh?
RWB: ... Dammit.
[Bloo turns, and of course, standing right there with two cans of beer in hand, is "Drunk Ass" Austin Stevens...]
RWB: Drunk Ass, let's get one thing perfectly straight here. I've got absolutely NOTHING against you... all that out there? It was strictly business. I'm sure you can understand that?
Drunk Ass: Ya see... [Stevens closes in, tapping the two cans together in his hands] ... that's where yer wrong, cupcake. Ol' Drunk Ass... he takes things personal. Everything. Ya wanna know why?
RWB: Not real-
Drunk Ass: I'mma tell ya why any damn way, so I dunno why yer flappin' yer damn lips... See, Drunk Ass... he's Drunk of his Ass. It's on all the t-shirts, it's on all the lil' ol' action figures... [Stevens is very close now to Redd] Am I breathin' down yer neck, WHAT?!, I said... am I breathin' down yer neck?
RWB: I-
Drunk Ass: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF I'M BREATHIN DOWN YER NECK!
RWB: ... Wrong rip-off, bub.
Drunk Ass: See, Drunk Ass likes to ramble incoherently. He likes to go off-topic, he LIKES... to make not a gat dam lick a sense. ... But there's always a point, WHAT?! Says... there's always a point. Even the most homeless bum in all ah homeless bum-dom makes a point once in his life... whether someone's there to see it be made... that's the 'it' factor. Either IT happens... or it don't. ...
I'm here to make gat dam sure it does.
RWB: ... You're... REALLY close right about now... and I think you need a tic tac...
Drunk Ass: Ah course... [steps off a bit] Course ol' Drunk Ass needs a tic tac, don't we all?
RWB: ... Yes?
Drunk Ass: Tell ya what, good ol' Redd Dubbya... how 'bout you and ol' Drunk Ass share a brewskie?
RWB: What?
Drunk Ass: A BREWSKIE! Damn, are yer ears hard ah hearin', why ya gotta go 'round askin' what fer... Now... you take this here can... and I take... THIS one... and we clink our lil' ol' cans together, and we makes ourselves a lil' ol' toast... how's that sound?
RWB: Well, I've really got to get go-
Drunk Ass: Alrighty then, let's git 'r' dunn! [hands Redd the can... who begrudgingly accepts] Now, lemme see, usually Drunk Ass carries around with him a laundry list just for these per-tick-yoo-ler occasions... Hm... alrighty, I gots me an i-deer. We'll toast...
To togetherness.
RWB: ... Oh... kay? To... togetherness.
*clink*
[Drunk Ass is about to crack his open... when he looks over at Redd opening his.]
Drunk Ass: Hey... one other thing.
RWB: Yeah? [cracks it open]
Drunk Ass: That there 24/7 title... it... IS twenty four... seven, ain't it?
RWB: [chugs down a huge gulp...] *beeeelcccchhh* Yip.
Drunk Ass: Hm... good tah know.
BBQ: DRUNK ASS DROP! DRUNK ASS DROP! BAH GAWD ALMIGHTY, DRUNK ASS DROP!
[Austin, of course, hits the Drop, and sees his good pal, Boom Boom Quaker, just so happening to be in the area... bottle of "saush" in hand.]
Drunk: Hey, good ol' BBQ! How ya doin' buddy?
BBQ: Aw, same ol' same ol'...
Drunk: You mind doin' ol' Drunk Ass a favor?
BBQ: Any ol' thing, you name it.
Drunk: Count this here pinfall?
BBQ: Shee-oot, anythin' fer muh ol' pal, good ol' DRUNK ASS, DRUNK ASS, BAH GAWD DRUNK ASS! Let's gitt 'r' dunnnn~!
[Drunk Ass goes for the pin... and gets the one... two... three.]
BBQ: As GAWD as muh witness, we gots ourselves a bran' new champeen o' Xtreem!!!~! GOOD GAWD!!!
Drunk Ass: Hey, one last thing... can I borrow that there bottle ah shaush?
BBQ: No problemo! Plenty more where that came from *wink*
Drunk Ass: Thank ya kindly...
[Drunk Ass procures the sauce, and as BBQ makes his exit, Drunk Ass stoops down in front of Redd... smiling... in his left hand, a bottle of barbecue sauce, his other... a beer. Austin Stevens swigs down the entire contents of the can in one drink... crushes it... and chucks it... before looking down at the bbq sauce bottle... Drunk Ass smiles while he speaks.]
Drunk Ass: Redd, Redd, Redd... what are we ever gunna do with you? ... [Drunk Ass quickly looks up at Redd... the smile vanished without a trace]
You guys... you can run. Krystal, she can run...
Reeve can... Axl can... you can...
Mac Bry can.
But ain't a god DAMN one of you... can hide.
You even try tah hide?
One of us WILL find you.
It'll be Goo, that lil' whipper snapper of a kid... he'll chop every last damn one of y'all just tah save his village from some god awful King Disgrunteldorf.
It'll be Viruz, used tah be picked on in school, used tah called a geek, a dork, WHAT? ... A spaz. He'll show them milli vanilli mouthed bastages just who the "spaz" is...
It'll be John Semen. The people, they cain't get enough ah the guy. He may suck in that ring... but dammit, if ol' Drunk Ass didn't admit to a lil' crappy wrasslin' here and there, you know I'd be a lier. An' I ain't no dad gum liar, boy.
... It'll be me. Or it'll be any damn man, OR woman, that hopes, for just one day, to take any one ah y'all, and get a moment in that circled square with yuz...
Cuz not a damn one of us like ya. There ain't a damn thing TO like 'bout ya. See... ya just sap the fun outta every last thing ya touch...
It's like the Midas Touch... only in reverse. Or... opposite. Or... whatever, Drunk Ass is tryin'ah make a point here, so don't confuse me. Already Drunk as it is...
You want a war, WHAT?! I said you want a WAR?
...
You got yer damn war.
[Drunk Ass settles the bottle of bbq sauce down right at the head of Redd W. ... before picking up the Xtrmkor title, and slinging it over his own shoulder.]
Drunk Ass: This bottle's on me...
The next one?
Next one's on you...
Bottem's up.
: : and now, by popular demand, a replay of THE most requested ad in the past one year of WSE's existence... : :
|ad -
[The camera opens to a kitchen, where former WSE commentator, Good ol' Boom Boom Quaker, aka BBQ, is standing behind a counter, holding a bottle of barbecue sauce... Black cowboy hat resting proudly upon his head.]
BBQ: Hello there folks, this here's yer good ol' pal, Good ol' Boom Boom Quaker, an' yer watchin' The Weather Channel! You must REALLY suck! Yall know I likes me some good ol fashioned bar-bee-cue, an' I was able to pick up this here brand new bottle ah bbq saush from the local market. It's made ah gen-yoo-wine ally-gator spit, an' a hunderd percent all natural bat dung! Yall just mosey on down tah yer Wal-Mart superstore an' ya pick yerself up a bottle ah Mac Bry Industries Spit and Shit BBQ Saush! It's deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee grossest thing yall will ever eat, mmm-hmmm! Git r' dunn.
[BBQ looks at the bottle of BBQ sauce... before opening it, and chugging it like beer. ... He then slams the bottle down, and wipes his mouth clean of bat feces.]
BBQ: *belch* Ahh... good shit. Literally.
- end ad|
