WSE 2009 : Great American BackLash at the Beach!!!

[THE Mac Bry v2]

These are the days that try men's lives...

... and which change porks feet into elephant ears.

- Benjamin T. Mason-Morgan

=========================

[The scene opens to TwoDaysAfterNextThursday Land, the futuristic fun factory of Disney World Land, a section of the park that gives a glimpse into what magical, mystical marvels are to come...]

[We find a man dressed in a lab coat, wearing a name tag that reads "Hi. My Name is : BOB." The man leads a group of tourists past a few scientific fascinations of tomorrow...]

Bob: This here's a a voice transmitter talk-a-box!

Tourist: ... That's a telephone.

Bob: Voice transmitter! It has the power tah send yer word sentences THROUGH the air, miles away, and intah the ear holes of some person all the ways in Jamaica!!! Or Rhode Island, whichever.

Tourist: Looks like a telephone to me.

Bob: And this here's a mobile talk-a-latin' operatin' handheld vocalizer!

Tourist: ... It's a damn cell phone!!!

Bob: Hey! I'm the by gum walkin' tourist leader 'round here!

Tourist: You mean "tour guide"?

Bob: YOU TALKIN' SMART TAH ME, BOY?!

Tourist: I'm a woman!

Bob: Well how the hell am I supposed tah know that? It just says "Tourist: " next tah yer mouth words... REGARDLESS, this next gall danged invention contraption of the future is called a "food eatin' picker upper handle holdin' pointy ended thing-a-ma-jigger-bob"!

Tourist: IT'S A FUCKING FORK, YOU REDNECK RETARD!

Bob: Either way, it goes great with this next wonder of the modern world ; the crusted fruit encapsulatin' food dessert yummy yummy in the tummy lip smackin taste-a-licous flavor circle!

Tourist: ... Apple pie?

Bob: Don't mind if I do!

[Bob grabs the fork, the plate of pie, and heads off, stage right, chowing down on the apple-flavored treat. The group of tourists are left scratching their heads and pondering...]

Tourist: ... The hell do we do now?

Tourist 2: I don't know about you, but I'm grabbin' everything I can and selling it on eBay!

Tourist 3: By the looks of it, I'd say they got most of this junk FROM eBay...

Tourist 4: Who wants a Michael Jackson anal thermometer?!

Everybody: ...

Tourist 2: Ooo, GIMME! I'm gonna be a MILLIONAIRE!!!

==================
Hosted at the Hell Hole...
Disney World Land, CaliFlorida
August 16th, 2009
==================

[The Paper View opening intro video package reel thingy kicks off the event, showing off an entire two month's worth of "highlights"... or atleast, a montage of all the crap that's wasted the time of those who've unwittingly stumbled across it.]

[It all started with WrestleNymphoMania 69, where a buncha bullshit happened that nobody cared about.]

[The advent of "WSE 24/7" arose, seeing action taking place anywhere, any day, at any time.]

[Nobody cared.]

[AND THEN?!]

[The unthinkable occured... when Michael Jackson, long thought to be a cybernetic being from the planet Zorak, BOUGHT World Sports Entertainment in exchange for the Never Land Ranch...]

[... before proceeding to die on the way back to his home planet.]

[Again... nobody cared.]

[AND THEN?!]

[Benjamin Tyrell Mason-Morgan, who owns many apartments [how many can YOU own?!] made the purchase of a lifetime, when he bought a crappy, run-down, insignificant, go nowhere e-fed devoid of talent or anything worthwhile whatsoever at all... But when he realized the position at Orlando Pro didn't come with a health plan, he sold it for a slightly less go nowhere e-fed in "The" World Sports Entertainment.]

[Before selling the company to a fast food resteraunt.]

[The camera switches from this final scene of the video package to video footage of BTMM standing at a press conference, regarding the buy-out by McDomino's, as well as the formation of DisneyWorldLand and the new 49th state CaliFlorida... and of course, tonight's big, important Paper View, The Great American BackLash at the Beach!!!]

[We now go live to the press conference... where there's only one person in the audience. Who's apparently a reporter, because... well, he's wearing a name tag that reads "Hi. My Name is: REPORTER". Plus he has a pad and pencil. Looks like he's drawing a unicorn. ... Take it away Benj-a-rooskie!]

Benjamin: First off, I'd just like to say that I'm VERY pumped up for The BackLash at the Beach!

Reporter: Uhm, sir... don't you mean the Great AMERICAN BackLash at the Beach?

Benjamin: Have you been paying attention? People in other countries don't want the word "American" in any show they watch! Why do you think they changed "American Idol" to "Canadian Idol"?!

Reporter: ... Actually, that series has a different name in each country it's produced in... Asian Idol, Indonesian Idol, Antarctic Idol...

Benjamin: Do you think I was born YESTERDAY?!

Reporter: ... No?

Benjamin: Good, because as everyone knows, I was born 22 years ago. June 3rd was my birthday. And I didn't even get ONE damn present!

Reporter: Uhm... but about the name, sir?

Benjamin: Yes, yes, of course. The thing is, The BackLash at the Beach is a more universal name than "The Great American" BackLash at the Beach. Plus, it's time to shake things up around here... and the best way to do that is by making insignificant changes that won't amount to a hill of beans in the end.

Reporter: Well, honestly sir, with you selling WSE to North!, and then him selling it to Paul E. Hymen, and then him, in turn, selling it to DWF Owner, William Peters... do you really believe you're in the position to make ANY changes? The purpose of you being at this conference was to address the new owner... and then to hand the microphone over TO the new owner. By the way... where IS Mr. Peters?

Benjamin: About that... yeah, that was just a publicity stunt.

Reporter: ... Huh?

Benjamin: See, North! had called into the eWrestling Power Hour, said a few things, and I took those things and turned them into a "news story", designed specifically to attract attention to this event.

Reporter: So... William Peters isn't really the new WSE Chairman?

Benjamin: Nyope.

Reporter: That's kind of... underhanded, don't you think? ... Sir?

Benjamin: NO MORE QUESTIONS!

Reporter: Don't really have any, actually...

Benjamin: ... Well, in that case, I want to address the new home of The World Sports Entertainment. We're here at lovely, beautiful, GORGEOUS DisneyWorldLand, an entire STATE-WIDE amusement park, on an island state that I, personally, crafted for Disney.

Reporter: Don't you mean that you "personally" ordered 10,000,000 other men to put together?

Benjamin: Well, as they say, it takes one man to order ten million.

Reporter: That sounds... familiar. Not exactly how I remember it, though...

Benjamin: DisneyWorldLand is home to lush beaches, wonderous attractions, and some of THE most amazing rides this side of Space Mountain Woo.

Reporter: ... Space Mountain Woo?

Benjamin: FAT BOY!!!

Reporter: ...

Benjamin: From the amazing treks through manufactured, synthetic jungles... to the delicous cuisine, cobbled together in mass quanities by underpaid Argentinian slave laborers... and of course, our grandest money-maker of 'em all, the fifty-one THOUSAND merchandise stands scattered from shore to shore! Oh it's BEAUTIFUL! Uncle Walt would be sooo proud!

Reporter: Well, it seems as though this will be a great place for the new WSE arena. By the way, what will it be named?

Benjamin: The HELL Hole!

Reporter: ... Fitting.

Benjamin: In a few hours, this very area where we stand will be one of the MANY locations for tonight's EPIC Xtrmkor Disney-Cide Scramble match. 20 men will battle throughout the ENTIRE stretch of the park, with the Xtrmkor title on the line. Two hours and fourty-five minutes... that's the time limit alloted. And the last man capturing a pin by the end of that time limit? Will be crowned the NEW Xtrmkor champ!

Benjamin: In addition, while the WSE Stupid Stars are taking eachother out, 20 members of eWzine will be taking it to the BEACH! Yes, the beaches of CaliFlorida will be awash in BLOOD... the blood of twenty of the most out spoken, influential... LOUD-MOUTHED, self-centered BASTARDS in the eWzine-iverse! And eW-Torch columnist Ted Caldweller will be right there on the sands to call the action, right down the middle!

[Ben smiles... staring into the camera's lens, as the camera slowly zooms into the dastardly glare of his devious eyes... He grins... almost demonically.]

Benjamin: And in the main event... I've hand selected someone to square off, one on one, with Mrs. Redd W. Bloo... who will be managed by my little bro', David Halkum Mason-Morgan. And the winner will be crowned the UNDISPUTED Heavyweight Champion of The World Sports Entertainment! The match will be contested under Fatal 4th of July Death Match Rules, making it the second ever in WSE's existence!

Benjamins: Any questions?

Reporter: When's Jack Hoff coming back?

Benjamin: ... NO MORE QUESTIONS!!!

[Ben shoves the podium off the stage, and storms off in a fit. The reporter eats a ham samich.]

[...]

[AND WE'RE LIVE!!! At the Hell Hole, where pyro and fireworks and streamers and laser lights and all sorts of whatnot is blazing up this 4th of July (that is, if this show is posted on time... which is highly doubtful). Red, white and blue explosions and confetti flood the building... and the ring is constructed of red, white, and blue ropes... blue ring posts... a mat decorated with the American flag... and aprons with the logo for this, The Great American BackLash at the Beach! The outside of the ring is already prepared for the Fatal 4th of July Death Match, decked out with a hot dog cart... fireworks stand... small, plastic kiddie pool lined with cartoon characters, and filled with murky, muddy water... and in the ring, attached to each corner post, is a pole. And attached to each pole... is a bag, each containing a weapon themed after America's pride, honor, and tradition.]

[And obesity. Don't forget obesity...]

[Our commentary team of Wes Rivers and Rex Winters are in the ring, surrounded by an audience of... one. Which is a mime. A mime... apparently pulling a rope. ... Take it away, Wes!]

Wes: HELLO SPORTS FANS!!!

Mime: ...

Rex: What the hell is this guy's problem?! He's the ONLY person in the ENTIRE arena besides us and Billy the Camera Dude, and he hasn't made ONE sound since we arrived!

Mime: ...

Wes: You think he's deaf, or perhaps dumb?

Mime: ...

Rex: I don't know about deaf, but he's DEFINITELY dumb...

Mime: ...

Billy the Camera Dude: Uh... guys? ... He's a MIME.

Rex: I don't care WHAT religion he practices! We need ROWDY fans, and some jerk taking a vow of silence is NOT going to help!

Billy the Camera Dude: ...

Rex: NOT YOU TOO!!!

Wes: Well, despite the fact that it's dead quiet, THIS is World Sports Entertainment's new home... The Hell Hole, right here, in the NEW 49th state of America ; CaliFlorida! U.S.A.'s second island state, and the only state to consist ENTIRELY of one... HUMONGOUS amusement park! Yes, sports fans, the Disney company has built it, and soon, they will come! But tonight? Tonight, Disney World Land is open specifically to the twenty Stupid Stars of WSE that will battle for the vacated Xtrmkor title belt. Twenty men will duke it out from coast to coast, in EVERY locale that comprises this glorious new piece in the Disney empire!

Rex: Wow... you've ragged on me for kissing the ass of our former boss, Jack Hoff... but look at you Wes! You're practically polishing the knob on Walt Disney's decrepit corpse!

Wes: Rex, I heard you earlier, sucking up to Benjamin T. Mason-Morgan, fetching his coffee. No matter WHO's the boss, you'll always be there to lend him a hand... even if it's down the front of their pants!

Rex: I wouldn't give a dude a hand job no matter WHAT he offered! ... Well, maybe a ham samich. If there's one thing that I love more than surprise butt secks -

Wes: ANYWAY... At the SAME time we cover the Xtrmkor Disney-Cide Scramble, our cameras will also be following the action on the sands of the CaliFlorida beach!

Rex: That's right, Wes. Twenty members of the eWzine-iverse have gathered on the island's west coast, and throughout the first two hours and fourty-five minutes of the Paper View, each of them will be brawling as best they can. In the Scramble Match, the last man to pick up the pinfall victory will walk away the champ... but in this, the First Annual eWzine-iverse 20 Person Beach Brawl, elimination rules WILL be in effect. Only, instead of simply pinning someone to eliminate them, participants first must pin their opponent, and then toss them into the ocean! The sharks are biting, and they're searching for blood! SMELL THE BUYRATES~!!!

Wes: When the Beach Brawl comes down to the final two men, they will be transported here, in the center of the theme park, in the middle of THIS very ring, at the Hell Hole arena. Here, they will face eachother in a LADDER match. Hanging above the ring is a piece of paper that serves as a contract. It's... not ACTUALLY a contract, really... but it SERVES as one. It simply states "This is a contract. Whoever has it will fight for the belt." Which basically means, the man to hold the contract will face the World Sports Entertainment Heavyweight Champion at the Super Special Edition, Five Hour, Disney Channel Premiere of WSE Nitro!

Rex: The second EVER edition of WSE Nitro, and I'm sure it'll be awesome! I say this partially because I want to butter up BTMM into letting me have the show off. There's no chance I'm spending five hours sitting next to YOU...

Wes: Trust me, five hours at the same table as you doesn't sound very enticing either, but if we must, we must. And personally, I do believe the return of Nitro sounds like a spectacular event. ... And I'm not just saying that because there's a voice yelling into my ear piece to do so.

Rex: The action is about to commence, and I'm as giddy as a school boy at Michael Jackson's house!

Wes: REX!!!

Rex: What? ... Oh, right, he's dead. ... Meh, like anyone would SERIOUSLY be offended by an MJ joke after everything he did.

Wes: ALLEGEDLY! Allegedly, Rex!

Rex: Hmph... well, anyway, I'm receiving word that it's time to kick off the dual matches, and that we're going to start with the Disney-Cide Scramble... And apparently, Kris Y. Jeriko is ready to debut his new talk show segment, "Locked and Lubed with KYJ". He's stationed at FakeJungleFilledWithRareAndEndangeredSpecies Land, where he's about to interview his FIRST guest!

Wes: Disney pretty much ran out of names when they started naming the different parts of Disney World Land, don't you think?

Rex: No kidding? I mean, seriously, the name "Disney World Land" didn't ring you as a bit, oh, I dunno, lazy?

Wes: I thought we could attribute that to the writer...

Rex: Well... there's that too.

Wes: Time to send it over to FakeJungleFilledWithRareAndEndangeredSpecies Land, for the debut of "Locked and Lubed with KYJ"... and the beginning of our blockbuster dual match-up!

[The camera switches to FakeJungleFilledWithRareAnd... aww, you know. In truth, it's just a smallish building, with an ugly green shag carpet... plastic palm trees... a poster of a waterfall on the wall... and a pen, filled with three different "endangered animals". One is a pig with feathers glued to its skin, which has been named the "Flying Pig". Another is a dog in a school girl's uniform, which has been named the "Teacher's Pet". And finally, a fish tank containing a small shark, wearing a suit, tie, and glasses... this one is named the "Loan Shark". In the middle of it all is KYJ, holding a microphone, and sitting on a stool... with raYne sitting on a stool beside him. Jeriko lifts the microphone to his mouth, and smiles... quite smugly.]

KYJ: Hello all you wild beasts out there! It is I, your quintessential party host, the one, the only, KRIS... Y... JERIKOOO!!! As everybody knows, unless they're a retarded retard, World Sports Entertainment has a NEW boss man in town! But while he may be the talk of the neighborhood right now, the whole WORLD is on the verge of a much more important topic of discussion... Your sexy savior, the Ayatollah of Chevy Nova!

[Who?]

KYJ: ME!

[... Oh.]

KYJ: "Locked and Lubed" is about to take the Nitro airwaves by STORM, and soon, it will be the highest rated segment on the ENTIRE Disney Channel!

[That's doubtful... Hannah Montana may be cancelled next year, but you've still got Zack and Cody, Wizards of Waverly Place, Sonny with a Chance, The Pork and Bean Extreme Teen Hour...]

KYJ: ... Huh? I've NEVER heard of that last one!

[Exactly. Even a show that doesn't exist has a better chance of pulling in ratings than a talk show segment featuring a guy who's biggest claim to fame is defeating a midget and a wig.]

KYJ: Oh, you're just jealous! Admit it, my WrestleNymphoMania performance was ASTOUNDING! Just like every performance put on by my first guest, "The Storm", raYne!

raYne: Hi there, cutie! Thanks for having lil' ol' me. [blows Jeriko a kiss]

KYJ: Er... try to refrain from flirting with the host. The host being me...

raYne: You know, you look just like my third boyfriend! Only MUCH more handsome. [winks at Jeriko]

KYJ: Anyway... raYne, now that you've returned to WSE, do you have any big plans to light the place on fire?

raYne: The Storm is ALWAYS on fire, sweetie, and so is my tushy!

KYJ: You have hemerhoids?

raYne: ... No! I'm saying I have a hot ass! Cripes, for being the host of a talk show, you sure aren't that bright...

KYJ: Brains aren't really a requirement for this job. Just ask Jimmy Fallon...

raYne: I do have plans actually. I'm thinking about reuniting the Fag World Order!

KYJ: Again? You already reunitied them when you first returned to WSE at WrestleNymphoMania, and they were DESTROYED. Are you sure you want to bring them back again, just to have their asses handed to them?

raYne: Who said I was bringing them here? I was just referring to the fact that I've been in the mood for a 3-way for a while, and maybe it's time to get the band back together... and into the bedroom!

KYJ: Oh lord, I do NOT need to hear about that... Let's try a different question. Do you think you have what it takes to win tonight's Xtrmkor Scramble Match? I mean... since you ARE a pansy, queer, flaming homosexual and all?

raYne: You BITCH! I can take being called a flaming homosexual... I can even take being called queer... but don't you EVER... and I mean EVERRR, refer to me as a "pansy"... A-GAYNE!!!

KYJ: Heheh... PANSY. Pansy, pansy, pansy, pansy, PANSY!!! P-A-N-S-Y, you-are-a-PAN-SEE!!! Oh... and by the way?

raYne: What?

KYJ: YOU'RE A PANSY!!!

raYne: AGGGHHH!!!~!

[raYne, pissed off and ready to kill, charges at KYJ... spearing him off the stool. raYne grabs the stool in both hands, with Jeriko hunched over on the shag rug... raYne lifts the stool high into the air, readying to lay in a death blow, when suddenly, from behind, the stool is torn from raYne's grip. raYne turns around...]

Wes: It's JACK BULL!!! One of WSE's newest additions, Bull is a southern fried redneck, with a temper the size of Texas. Which just so happens to be where he hails from.

Rex: Deependaharda, Texas, to be precise. And just like every good Texas citizen, Bull has a giant clump of chewing tobacco lodged in his mouth. raYne rushes toward the obvious gay-basher, but receives a dirt black wad of spit in the eyes! raYne tries desperately to rub the spit out, but is quickly kicked in the nuts and dropped with a simply vicous spike ddt!

Wes: Jack Bull's on the microphone...

Jack Bull: ... GIT 'R DIIIIIIID!!!

Wes: That's what he calls it!

Rex: Calls what?

Wes: His move!

Rex: What move?

Wes: Spitting the chew, kicking the nuts, and dropping the ddt. It's the combo he refers to as the "Git 'R Did".

Rex: Ah... well, whatever it is, it knocked raYne the FUCK out! And now Jack's picking up the stool... before swinging around and breaking it into a kazillion pieces over the skull of Kris Y. Jeriko!!! Jack's on a roll!

Wes: Jeriko topples to the floor, and Bull goes for the pin... and GETS IT! Jack Bull is the first man to claim the Xtrmkor title in this Scramble! But remember, sports fans, it's the LAST man to claim the belt that matters.

Rex: Bull shoves the fish tank containing the "Loan Shark" over, and hurridly pushes his way out of 'FakeJungleFilledWithRareAndEndangeredSpecies Land'... aka the small, one room building, located right next to GasStationAndQuik-E-Mart Land.

Wes: The "Loan Shark" is flipping about uncontrollably... and its squirming its way toward KYJ! IT'S LATCHED ONTO HIS ASS!!!

KYJ: AAAAAAAAAAAACK!!! SAVE ME! SAVE MEEE!!!

Rex: Why does that seem familiar...

[We switch scenes to the section furthest west in CaliFlorida, the west coast beach... where twenty people are already fighting on the sands, ripping eachother part, all for a shot at the World Sports Entertainment championship. Each of these twenty people are a member of THE most well respected eSports Entertainment community in all the land...]

[eWzine.]

Wes: The sand is flying, the fists are flying, and the eyes of the eSports Entertainment world are WATCHING!

Rex: My eyes are watching the ass on Screwball Sally! She can play MY Lottery ANY day!

Wes: ... What does that even mean?!

[ZeeZoo, God of War, a hulking colossus with the strength of a mastadon, is smashing his knuckles into the face of Dan the Man. ZeeZoo begins choking the life from Dan's throat, shoving him into the sands...]

Wes: ZeeZoo is doing all he can to drain every ounce of energy from the body of poor Dan the Man! But wait, "The Deadly Italian Nazi" Bob Gilmour is sneaking up on ZeeZoo, carrying a handful of sand! He rears back... and TOSSES the sand into the eyes of ZeeZoo, causing the giant to release his grip on Dan. ZeeZoo... ZeeZoo's not EVEN fazed! The behemoth makes it quickly to his feet, and leaps onto the unprepared Bob Gilmour, who suffers blow after blow at the hands of the gargantuan monster!

Rex: ZeeZoo is tearing bodies apart left and right! He latches onto Gilmour's wrist, and lays in a few short-arm clotheslines, never letting go of the arm. Each time Gilmour falls, he's pulled right back up and clotheslined once more! The God of War is raging on and waging... well, WAR!

[While ZeeZoo works over Dan and Bob, "The Nicest Guy in eWrestling" Alex K is chatting with Legion. Both of them stand next to an umbrella which is stuck into the sand, with a beach towel spread out below.]

Alex K: Hey man...

Legion: Hey.

Alex K: Ya know... you look AWFULLY familiar.

Legion: Really, now.

Alex K: Yeah... you know, in fact... you look kinda like... ME!

Legion: Oh?

Alex K: I'm SURE of it! ... You wouldn't happen to have a twin brother you were seperated from at birth... would you?

Legion: Nyope.

Alex K: Oh... a clone?

Legion: Uh-uh.

Alex K: ... Are you a future version of me, sent from the future, to warn me of an oncoming occurrence that could alter the path of time... FOREVER?!

Legion: NO.

Alex K: ... Ya sure?

Legion: Yes.

Alex K: Oh...

Legion: ...

Alex K: ... Are you SURE?

Legion: RAAARRRG!!!

Wes: Watch out, Legion's snapped!

Rex: Can ya blame the guy? That Alex K nerd just would NOT shut up!

Wes: And now Legion's grabbing Alex by the throat... lifting him HIGH into the air... and sending him hurtling back to the ground with a BRUTAL chokeslam! Legion goes for the pin... and has no trouble getting it! Ted Caldweller is performing his officiating duties like a natural born pro!

Rex: Don't compliment the jerk! He used that shmucky "eW Torch" site of his to piss all over WrestleNymphoMania 69. That was my breakthrough performance, dammit!

Wes: :rolleyes: Legion returns to his feet, and drags Alex over to the water's edge...

Rex: Legion is attempting to sink Alex below the ocean surface, which would eliminate Alex from this competition... But every inch of the way, Alex is kicking and screaming like a little GIRL!

Wes: Would you like to be dragged into a sea of water, Rex?

Rex: Well... not really. But I wouldn't whine like a BITCH about it!

Wes: Would you like for me to help you test that theory?

Rex: ... No thanks.

[Legion brings Alex dangerously close to the water... before bringing him back up, and positioning him for a powerbomb. Legion raises Alex to the sky... before DROPPING him on his back, into the water, with a huge splash!]

Wes: Alex K is the first man eliminated!

Rex: HA! The so-called "Nicest Guy in eWrestling" just got SERVED!

Wes: ... Served?

Rex: Yeah? Oh come on, Wes, get with it! It's almost 2010, and you're STILL living in the last millenium!

Wes: I may be stuck in the past, Rex, but as far as this event is concerned, I'm living in the here and now. And that is that 19 people remain in this Beach Brawl, while Jack Bull remains the interim Xtrmkor champion in the Disney-Cide Scramble Match.

Rex: Thanks for updating us on current events, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!

Wes: And speaking of superheroes -

Rex: Ugh...

Wes: - SuperGuyManDudePerson is recording an ad for the upcoming 5-hour Disney Channel premiere of WSE Nitro. He's filming outside of the Magically Enchanted Kingdom Castle, and is joined by Hannah Montana!

[We open to the Magically Enchanted Kingdom Castle, where SuperGuyManDudePerson and Hannah Montana are both standing on a stage, with microphones in hand, in front of a big purple curtain displaying the WSE Nitro logo. A HORDE of people are gathered... well, a horde of prepubescent, shrieking girls. And I'm sure not one of them has ever heard of SuperGuyManDudePerson... or World Sports Entertainment... It's doubtful they've ever even heard of the word "wrestling" when it's not used after the word "tongue"...]

SGMDP: Hello citizens of CaliFlorida!

[The high-pitched squeals cut through the air like a knife...]

SGMDP: Ms. Montana and I are here to introduce the WORLD to the greatest oncoming threat to boredom everywhere! It's a bird... it's a plane... it's an over-hyped, shiny-packaged, glitzy, glamorous, corporate produced sports entertainment television program with ratings comparable only to the 4 am showing of "The Sham-Wow Workout" infomercial!!!!!!!!!!!~!

Hannah Montana: My daddy sang "Achy Breaky Heart"!

SGMDP: ... Yup. Anyhow, the dastardly villains of World Sports Entertainment are on a collision course with the bastions of hope that guard the eSports Entertainment realm. And the battle begins when WSE Nitro returns... ONLY on the Disney Channel!

Hannah Montana: People compare me to a young Britney Spears. I hope that doesn't mean I'll end up a drunk, bald, fat chick with a third-rate white rapper as a boyfriend!!!

SGMDP: And on that note, we've put together a song and dance number in honor of World Sports Entertainment, and the return / debut of NITRO!!! Take it away Miley... Hannah... aw screw it, HIT THE MUSIC!

["Can't Wait To See You Again" by Miley Montana Whatsherface plays, and while Hannah Whatever makes it abundantly clear she's lip-synching, SuperGuyManDudePerson adds in a few of his own words - ]

SGMDP: Wellllll, I was born a coal miner's daughterrrr...

[ - Fortunately for those listening, SuPerson cuts himself dead in his musical tracks, when he finds Jack Bull running past. Supes, somehow knowing that Bull is the interim champ, INSTANTLY clobbers Bull with a big boot, that rocks Bull into next Friday. Which, at the rate things are going, is probably when this show will finally be finished...]

Rex: SuPerson is ah-clubberin', Wes!

Wes: ... Ah-clubberin'? Now you CAN'T tell me that phrase is from this millenium...

Rex: Regardless of WHAT millenium it's from, SuPerson has Jack Bull elevated above his head in the gorilla press... and he HURLS Bull into Hannah Montana! The two collide with the stage floor...

Jack Bull: This har t'aint NO way tah treat no dad gum Exxy-treem-core CHAM-PEEN!

Hannah Montana: Heehee, you sound JUST like my daddy! ... You wanna go out sometime?

Jack Bull: Girl, I'll bend you over muh knee and spank yer fanny like you wuz muh own lil' ol' daughter!

Hannah Montana: Aww, daddy always did like laying in a few smacks to my rear... and then he'd play a game called "Hide the Salami"!

Jack Bull: ...

Hannah Montana: Daddy's always been sooo nice. And funny. And... hairy. Really... really hairy.

Jack Bull: ... Well, you just run along lil' lady. And, uh... be weird... over somewhere else. I'mma 'bout tah get muh rump stomped in...

[Hannah pouts, before scurrying along. As soon as she does, Super Guy Man Dude Person hits one of his finishers - ]

Wes: SuPerson has just crushed the redneck reject, Jack Bull, with the mightiest splash of them all, the mighty SUPER SPLASH!!!

Rex: Poor Jack! He's squashed flatter than the roadkill he ate for last night's supper!

Wes: ALLEGEDLY!!!

Rex: SuPerson makes the cover... and picks up the 1, the 2, and the 3, and Super Guy Man Dude Person is the NEW interim Xtrmkor Champion!

Wes: The hero of boys and girls across the nation is now the current titlist! We now return you to the Beach Brawl, where -

*CLONK!*

Wes: OH MY WALT!!!

Rex: "The Rated G Stupid Star", Nicky Mowse, spokesperson for Disney World Land, has just SMASHED SuPerson upside the head with a souvenir, miniature Magically Enchanted Kingdom Castle, which can be found at any of the 1 trillion merchandise stands scattered across the island!

Wes: And you call ME a shill for Disney?

Rex: Meh. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. And I do believe Mowse is about to beat SuPerson, as he brings the musclebound meat-head to his feet... and DROPS him with the sit-out ddt face plant he likes to call "The Mowse Trap"!

Wes: He tries for a pin, and it's academic! Nicky Mowse, the face for Disney's newest cash cow... er, that is to say, fantastic family vacation spot... is now the interim Xtrmkor champion!

Rex: YES! The leader of family friendly entertainment, Disney, now has a true champion they can be proud of!

Wes: I could have SWORN you were the one calling ME a Disney shill...

Rex: Hey, after tonight, there's no telling who'll be the next Chairman For A Day, so I may as well kiss up to the boss that'll still be AROUND tomorrow...

Wes: Well, anyway, the corporate tool himself, Nicky Mowse, is CURRENTLY the champ... so we'll send it back to the Beach Brawl, already in progress.

[Back on the beach, the God of War, ZeeZoo, and the man of many faces, Legion, are now trading fists. ZeeZoo grips Legion in a mean bear hug, that simply drains the energy from the slightly smaller Legion. As the strength is sapped from Leige, ZeeZoo rears back his head... before SMASHING Legion in the face with a nasty headbutt. The blood pours from Legion's nose like a faucet that can't be turned off... And after the dizziness sets in, the big man stumbles backward, before collapsing to the sand. ZeeZoo falls down across the broken body of Legion, and secures the quick pin. The referee, eW-Torch columnist Ted Caldweller, steps away from the brawl, and begins to create something from the sands...]

Wes: What on earth is Ted Caldweller doing?

Rex: I dunno, why don't you ask him?

Wes: Maybe because I'm sitting behind a desk inside an arena about a hundred miles away from the guy?

Rex: ... Good point.

Wes: But from the looks of things, it appears as if Ted is... making a sandcastle? He builds, and builds, and builds... and builds some more!

Rex: Ted has formed a regular sand KINGDOM!

Wes: Wait a minute... you know, that looks an awful lot like the Magically Enchanted Kingdom Castle in the center of Disney World Land!

Rex: Even a smark like Teddy Boy knows when to suck it up, and SUCK UP! He's kissing Disney's ass harder than you, Wes!

Wes: Now why would he do that?

Rex: I dunno... maybe he's tired of reviewing crappy e-feds, and wants to start reviewing crappy 3D animated cartoon flicks?

Wes: Now Ted is putting together more sand... and somehow he's created a steel chair... out of SAND?!

Rex: IT'S THE DREADED SAND CHAIR!!!

Wes: Ted lifts the "sand chair" to the heavens... before bringing it SLAMMING down upon the recreation of the Magically Enchanted Kingdom Castle! The Castle has been OBLITERATED into smithereens!

Rex: I think Ted wants a microphone... unfortunately, there is none. ... But that doesn't stop him from making one out of sand! And now he's got the sand microphone! ... This seriously doesn't make a DAMN bit of sense...

Ted: Disney... I've reviewed this little "resort" of yours, and quite frankly... IT STINKS! On the Shmuck Star Scale Rating System... Disney World Land officially gets NEGATIVE FIVE!!! I only accepted this refereeing gig so I could take a look around at this pathetic excuse for an "amusement park", and to be honest, there's NOTHING amusing about it! Not to mention the fact that all of the snow cones are MELTED! Sure, it may be 110 degrees outside, but the bottom line is, when you do something, do something RIGHT! And a melted snow cone is a melted snow cone, REGARDLESS of the circumstance! Disney... you can kiss my ASS, and that goes DOUBLE for WSE and its mook of a Chairman, Benjamin Tyrone Whatchamacallit! This is Ted Caldweller saying... World Sports Entertainment? You've just been TORCHED~!!!

[Ted tosses the "microphone" to the ground, before stomping tracks in the sand, far away from the beach.]

Wes: Where do you think Ted is going to go now?

Rex: He's going to DISNEY WORLD LAND!

Wes: ... He's already at Disney World Land, Rex.

Rex: ... Hooters, perhaps?

Wes: Well, I've just been handed a memo stating that since we've been left without a referee, the rules for the Beach Brawl have been modified slightly. Now, instead of having to pin one's opponent before throwing them into the water, every competitor is eliminated simply by being tossed into the ocean.

Rex: So no pinning necessary?

Wes: I believe that's what I just said.

Rex: Just checking. Some people have trouble understanding English.

Wes: ... Is that a shot at someone?

Rex: No, no, of course not - *cough*ScootyDavies*cough* - !

Wes: ... You just said "Scooty Davies"

Rex: How do you know?

Wes: Because I can HEAR. Do you think, just because he's British, Davies can't understand English?

Rex: Of course! He's BRITISH! Not ENGLISH!

Wes: ... Anyway, speaking of Davies, he's tussling with Adrian CockenBlocken beside what looks like a table made out of sand.

Rex: Let's see, sand table ; check. Sand chair ; check. All we need now is a sand LADDER, and we'll be all set for the first ever Sand TLC Match!

Wes: Just wait, I'm sure someone will grant your wish... Anyhow, Scooty goes for an irish whip, but Adrian pulls out the reversal... sending Scooty head on into a backbreaking spinebuster, at the hands of the giant himself, ZeeZoo!

Rex: The sand is flying after that brutal 'buster! And it looks like Adrian and ZeeZoo are going for the double team! Those jackels are preying on that poor, defenseless, frail, fragile -

Wes: WE GET THE PICTURE! And really, Scooty has always been a thorn in the side of MANY people.

Rex: Like who?

Wes: Like... uh... ... My POINT is, I'm sure nobody will fret over Scooty's dismissal from this bout.

Rex: Well, hold on to your bucket of cheese Wes, because "Agent Chaos", Ryan "Flyin'" Brian has just shot out of nowhere! He's in possesion of a steel pipe made out of sand, and is aiding his old tag team partner from the XC-DOUBLE-W-XYZWFECWF!!!

Wes: The what now?

Rex: The XC-DOUBLE-W-XYZWFECWF!!!

Wes: ...Oh. That.

Rex: Ryan and Scooty are taking it to ZeeZoo and Adrian... for about five seconds. DAMMIT! ZeeZoo's just too damn strong and powerful and big and STRONG!

Wes: ZeeZoo and Adrian "The Cock" CockenBlocken are now on the offensive end... and just like that, they've dumped both Scooty "Internet Balls" Davies and "Agent Chaos" into the nearby ocean! Theyyy'rrreee OUTTA'THERE!

Rex: SUNNUVA- Who am I supposed to be for NOW?!

Wes: How about "The Deadly Italian Nazi", Bob Gilmour?

Rex: Meh... I hear he lives in a box down by the river. I don't cotton to that.

Wes: Anyhow, the God of War, ZeeZoo, is truly living up to his nickname.

Rex: You mean the nickname "Puddles"?

Wes: ... Puddles?

Rex: Yup. I hear he wets the bed, so his mom calls him "Puddles". And his dad calls him... well, seeing as we're being sponsored by Disney, I better not say...

Wes: Well, I meant "God of War", because he's truly declaring war on everyone in this match! Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if the shaky alliance between him and Adrian CockenBlocken doesn't last very long.

Rex: I hope it doesn't. They got rid of my top two choices! But there's still Sally... OH BABY, is there EVER Sally! Just LOOK at that ass, Wes! LOOK AT IT!

Wes: I've got a wife!

Rex: No you don't!

Wes: I know. And I ALSO know that it's time to send it back to the Xtrmkor Scramble, where Nicky Mowse continues to fend for himself, and to retain the Xtrmkor title he currently holds...

[The camera opens to OokySpookyHauntedHouseAndCarWash Land, where a shiny black Oldsmobile is pulling through the entrance door... The driver is none other than HollyRock, the former leader of the now disbanded "Glass Ceiling Gang". HollyRock goes slow on the gas, observing the different frightening sights... Ranging from a mummified zebra... to a blood-sucking vampire goat... and of course, the dreaded FrankenDonkey.]

[HollyRock speaks up from within his beloved, classic vehicle.]

HRock: FINALLY... HollyRock has made his WAY... through a crappy, not-entirely spooky Ooky Spooky Haunted House! And if ya smell what these animals are doin', the HollyRock says this House needs a pooper scooper!

[Suddenly, HollyRock's car is flooded with suds, and is immediately scrubbed down till it's even shinier than before.]

[HollyRock smiles a toothy grin, and speaks to himself (in the third person) once again...]

HRock: As far as this "HauntedHouseAndCarWash" is concerned... The Haunted part may suck FrankenDonkey testicles, but the "CarWash" part? HollyRock says this car was just turned sideways, shined up real nice, polished all spiffy like... and shoved STRAIGHT UP- ... Well, it wasn't really shoved up anything. ... But dammit if HollyRock's Oldsmobile doesn't look like it was pissed on by the cleansing urine of the millions... and MILLIONS of Heaven's angels!

[The oldsmobile pulls out of the House... right into a spooooky cemetary. A knock comes rasping at the door, and HollyRock rolls down the window... He finds a gloomy looking man, with long, flowing, crimson red hair... wearing a black face mask cut off above the nose... black leather, fingerless, biker gloves... fingernails painted black... black, legless spandex with an upside down, silver crucifix printed across the crotch... black boots with crismon laces... and around his throat, he wears a silver necklace with an upside down crucifix pendant.]

HRock: Hey there... allow HollyRock to ask you THIS ; Who... in the FIERY RED HELL... are YOU?!

Kruzifix: My name... is synonymous with philanthropy. In the inecstatic qualification of a hundred thousand damned souls... and the destructivelifying chaositude of hellacious hounds of hades... I AM -

HRock: IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT YOUR NAME IS SYNONYMOUS WITH PHILANTHROPY AND INCESTUOUS QUEEF-INATIONS AND ALL THAT WHATNOT!!! HollyRock IS... about to take his billion dollar movie contract, apply his well sought after signature, dot the t's and cross the i's, and stuff that sumbitch... straight up... your roody poody jew-dy fruity cah-BOOTY! IF YA UNDERRRRSTTTAAANNNDDD... what the HELL... HollyRock... just said!

Kruzifix: DESTRUCITY!!!

[Out of the corner of his eye, HollyRock spots "The Rated G Stupid Star" Nicky Mowse crossing through the graveyard...]

Rex: Well, SOMEHOW HollyRock knows that Nicky Mowse is currently the champ, despite not having ANY access to a monitor. Or a script. How are all of these guys keeping up with the title holder?

Wes: Uhm... telepathy.

Rex: Make's about as much sense as anything else that's happened so far. HollyRock is sneaking out of his car, and is making his way toward a tombstone... which he YANKS out of the earth with his mighty power, and begins to stalk up behind Mowse...

*KERSMASH!!!*

Wes: OH MY GYAAAD!!! Mowse just went down like a sack of kid friendly bricks, at the hands of a NOT-SO kid friendly head stone!

Rex: I wasn't aware a head stone had hands, Wes.

Wes: ... It's a METAPHOR!

Rex: IT may be a metaphor, but THAT is a MESS!

Wes: Yes sir, sports fans, Nicky Mowse is soaking in a pool of crimson on the mildewed cemetary lawn! He reaches out to grab at the ankle of HollyRock, but H.R. simply boots the hand away. He then pulls Mowse to his feet... before running him back first into the ground with the "BlockBuster", a modified variation of the rock bottom!

Rex: Oh please, there's nothing "modified" or "varied" about it! It's a total rip-off!

Wes: Well, that's never stopped us before, right?

Rex: I suppose you have a point there...

Wes: HollyRock is quickly back on his feet, and has made his way to the head of Mowse... A kick to Nicky's hand, sending it crossing over his chest... HollyRock swings his arms to and fro... and there he goes! Off one tombstone! Another! Another! AND ANOTHER! HollyRock runs toward the prone body of "The Rated G Stupid Star"... and drops the most electrifying PINKIE in the world of eSports Entertainment!

Rex: ... A PINKIE?!

Wes: And Nicky shakes VIOLENTLY with the massive impact!

Rex: ... I'm at a total loss for words.

Wes: Then the move is MORE than effective!

Rex:

Wes: HollyRock follows up with the pin cover... but Kruzifix swiftly pulls H.R. off from Nicky's nearly decimated body. Kruz lifts the "Samoan Movie Star Machine" upside down, before dropping him upon his crown with the "Crown of Thorns" tombstone piledriver! HollyRock has been ko'ed!

Rex: BUT THERE GOES NICKY!!! He's managed to regain his composure while the brooding brooder battled with the Hollywood sell-out! Nicky runs, and runs, till he's out of sight! RUN NICKY, RUNNN!!! YOU CAN DO EEET!

Wes: I guess we know who YOU'RE for... And speaking of 'for', it's time for us to send the cameras back to the beach, where Adrian CockenBlock and ZeeZoo, God of War, are tearing a path of mayhem through the other contestants in the First Annual eWzine-iverse Beach Brawl 4 it All!

Rex: ... You added that last part in.

Wes: We'll be right back after THESE commercials!

Rex: ... What commercials?

Wes: THESE commercials!

Rex: Wes... there aren't any commercials.

Wes: ... Let's see what Chef Le Cooke is preparing!

Rex: What talk show do you think you're on?

Wes: DAMMIT, send it to the beach!

[And to the beach it is sent... Where we find Adrian and ZeeZoo pummeling the snot out of SHUDDERWingSpan and Jeremy J. Stevenson...]

Wes: Adrian with the flying shoulderblock to SHUDDER... ZeeZoo with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker to Stevenson... Adrian and ZeeZoo with simultaneous clotheslines to both of their opponents! Stevenson and SHUDDER are down, and are being dragged toward the ocean's edge...

Rex: But some way, some how, Jeremy J. and that other guy are fighting back! They make it to their feet... only to feel the brunt of a dropkick to BOTH of their chests, from both CockenBlocken and ZeeZoo!

*SPLASH!*

*SPLASH!*

Rex: And there they go!

Wes: Indeeed, SHUDDERWingSpan and Jeremy J. Stevenson have been eliminated in short order! But wait...

*SPLASH!*

Wes: HOLY HELL!!! Dan the Man just snuck up from behind ZeeZoo and SHOVED him into the water! ZeeZoo has been unceremoniously eliminated!

Rex: HAHA! Serves the goody two shoes right! Now let's see if CockenBlocken can really hold his own, without that tower of power backing up his scrawny little ASS!

Wes: Adrian is now a ball of rage, and he's attacking Dan the Man with everything he's got! Adrian whips Dan toward the water... but Dan is able to stop himself from tumbling into the cold, wet liquidy doom.

Rex: Dammit, Dan, KILL! KILL THE RUNT! Atleast kick him in the balls!

Wes: Dan turns around... right into a Lou Thesz Press from Adrian. Adrian lifts his legs into the air as he's crouched above Dan... before driving his knees into "The Man"'s gut! Adrian rears his head back, before cracking it into Dan's skull! Not only is Dan coughing up blood from the knee shot, but his face is a cascading waterfall of crimson! The blood is staining the sand like... something sticky and red staining sand!

Rex: Wow, you're a regular poet, Wes. Honestly.

Wes: Thank you!

Rex: ... I was being sarcastic.

Wes: Oh...

Rex: Adrian rips Dan off the sand... and heaves him into the water with a splash! FUCK! DAMMIT, DAN! You screwed up, man, you screwed UP! SERIOUSLY, MAN!

Wes: Oh, don't take it so hard, Rex. Especially since you aren't even IN THE MATCH...

Rex: And speaking of not being in the match... is that Double-Oh Zero over there, hidden under all that sand?

Wes: He's made himself into a sand mermaid, just so he can do a bit of undercover espionage on the beach! He has a huge pair of sunglasses on, as well as a beach hat... I'm pretty sure NOBODY will find him like that!

Rex: But who would WANT to find him?

Wes: ... Good question.

[The camera zooms into Agent 000, under the sand, speaking into a communicator... made out of sand. Yup...]

000: Hello... Miss MoneyNickelAndDime. Agent Double-Oh Zero here... You know! Agent 000... No, that's Agent Double 69! ... Yes, I'm the one that blew up the wrong "missile silo", and ended up blowing up a corn silo... Yes, yes, I understand, I'm the last person you wish to speak with right now, but I've got some VERY important information concerning Project : X.T.R.M.K.O.R. I've taken an outpost near the beach war games between 20 members of the eWzine regime, and I'm waiting for current Xtrmkor champion, Nicky Mowse, to arrive near my stationed quarters.

000: Once he has come into target range, I'll strike... and the Xtrmkor title will be back in the hands of the Queen's land! ... Uhm... yeah, I guess it would make more sense to track down Mowse and actually try to take the belt from him THAT way, instead of waiting around for him to hopefully show up at this exact point... but the thing is, I've buried myself under a heap of sand, and I really don't think I can dig myself out... What do you MEAN you don't really care!? Miss MoneyNickelAndDime, I'm a well respected government agent, and... Miss MoneyNickelAndDime!!! Miss MoneyNickelAndDime? ... DAMMIT!

[As Double-Oh Zero loses his connection with his boss, a figure comes into the area... it's Nicky Mowse!]

000: HEY! YOU! Come over here and dig me out of this predicament!

[Nicky walks over to the buried body of Mowse, and begins to scratch the side of his head.]

Nicky: Hey there, Hi there, Ho there, fella! Whatcha doin' under that big pile of sand, kiddo?

000: First of all, I am NOT a minor! And secondly, I was TRYING to find a good hiding spot so I could surprise you, perform my finishing maneuvre, and pin you so I may take your interim Xtrmkor title... I believe that would be an ever so good idea, had it not been for my burying myself SO deep... and leaving no room for myself to remove... myself.

Nicky: Well, golly gee willickers fella... I'm going to have to say... NO! Not just to drugs, but to helping YOU! You mean ol', nasty ol' BRIT! Everyone in DisneyWorldLand is welcome... except for the unclean! And everyone KNOWS Brits have the most unclean teeth in the WORLD! And besides, there's no chance in Halloween that I'm going to get you out of that "predicament", when you just plan on taking MY title once I do! So you can just stay there and think about what you've done, MISTER! Now... excuse me, while I continue to defend MY Xtrmkor title!

[Nicky scurries off... leaving Double-Oh Zero trying with all his might to break free from the "predicament" he literally dug himself into.]

Wes: Thanks to Agent 000's idiocy, Nicky Mowse is STILL Xtrmkor champion.

Rex: Thank GOD for Double-Oh Zero being a complete moron!

Wes: Alright sports fans, it's time to send it -

*KERWAM!!!*

Wes: HOLY ROLLIE POLLIE OLLIE!!! Justin Sufferable just hit the F5 on M-F'n-Plow, right ontop of the buried body of Double-Oh Zero! 000 and Plow have been squashed together, flatter than a chocolate chip pancake!

Rex: Justin rips Plow from off the now unconcious, corpse-like body of Double-Oh Zero... Justin swings M-F'n-Plow around... and around... AND AROUND ONCE MORE! 'Round the world Plow goes... before being sent FLYING into the ocean!

Wes: M-F'n-Plow has been eliminated like a bad habit, by the "Insufferable One", Justin Sufferable!

Rex: And speaking of bad habits, SMOKING IS COOL!

Wes: REX! I thought Nicky Mowse was your pick? He wouldn't like to hear you saying that!

Rex: Did he hear me say it?

Wes: Well... no.

Rex: Then it's all gravy!

Wes: Speaking of gravy, Jippy Jam the Japanese Jughead and the Brown Ranger are both making a stop at one of the many concession stands in the park. Let's check that shit out.

Rex: WES!

Wes: What? The Brown Ranger calls upon the "spirit of dookie". Of COURSE there's going to be some poop jokes...

Rex: Yes, but that's MY TERRITORY!!!

Wes: Oy...

[Brownie and Jippy are standing beside a "Mickey's Mouse on a Stick" cart. A fat, sweaty, hairy guy is standing behind the cart, digging around inside with his sweaty, hairy hands. Hands that are, just like their owner, fat.]

Brownie: Sir!!!

Guy: Yeah, whaddya want?

Brownie: What exactly do you serve here?

Guy: Well... the name's Mickey. And I serve Mice. On a Stick.

Brownie: ... Oh. Doesn't sound entirely appetizing. ... You wouldn't happen to have any funnel cakes, or indian tacos, or anything ELSE would you?

Mickey: No. Read the sign, mac.

[Brownie does so, and sees the following ;

"My name's Mickey. And I serve Mice. On a Stick. Accept no substitutes."

Mickey: As the sign says, accept no substitutes. Because I ain't servin' none. JUST MICE ON A STICK. End of story.

Brownie: Well -

[Suddenly, Jippy Jam leaps ontop of the cart, and begins to perform various "karate poses"... which look less like karate poses, and much more like random body spasms. After Jippy finishes flailing about, he tuns to Mickey, orange karate gi shimmering in the bright sunlight...]

Jippy: FOOL! Do you REALIZE the urgency that has befallen upon this day... this time... this very SECOND?! The final dawning of the Sensei of Suzuki and Yamaha is before our VERY EYES!!! The Truth is blinded by the Lie, and the Magnetic Field of Dreams is riddled with Destrucity!!! It is up to us... I, Jippy Jam of Sushi, Japan... Brown Ranger, of Ocean Valley Harbor Ridge Beach Bay City... and the many other HEROES that comprise the fabric of The World Sports Entertainment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~1... to lead the eWzine-iverse into the END GAME!!!

Mickey: ... Sooo... ya gonna buy a rat with a stick shoved up its ass, or does I gotta call security?

Jippy: I AM... "Quadruple J", the Master of all that IS Mitsubishi!!! And with my guidance, those that have fallen shall rise once more, and those that stand by me shall know the TRUE POWER...

...

...

...

Jippy: ... of the Awesomeness of the Anime!!! I AM JIPPY JAM... AND I CAN HAZ HAT!!!

Mickey: ... Alrighty. SECURITY!

[Jippy swiftly transitions into his greatest defensive manuevre... that being running the hell out of dodge. Jippy runs RIGHT into the burly chest of a massive securtity guard. JJJJ is knocked flat on his ass, as the Brown Ranger... craps in his hand and then tosses the feces in the face of the guard, blinding him temporarily. Brownie grabs Jippy and the two split...]

[Not too long after, Nicky Mowse comes by the concession stand... tired and breathing heavily... He asks for a snack, and pays Mickey.]

Nicky: *chomp, chomp, GULP* Mmmm... Hey, ya know buster, this isn't half bad! Whadya call it?

Mickey: Mouse on a Stick.

Nicky: ... That's a funny name. What's it made out of?

Mickey: Mouse. On a Stick.

Nicky: ... Oh. ... Excuse me.

[Nicky clutches his gut, bends over, and pukes all over the cart.]

Mickey: HEY!!! You're ruining my profit! ... Hm, what's that smell? Smells... GREAT!

[Mickey reaches into the cart, pulls out a mouse, on a stick, covered in vomit... and rips out a huge chunk with his teeth, before gobbling it down. Nicky simply stares at him, eyes wide in shock.]

Mickey: MMMM! Now THAT'S good! You know, you just gave me a brilliant idea... Mouse on a Stick... Dipped in Puke!

Nicky: YOU'RE SICK! YOU'RE... YOU'RE... wait a minute. Your name's Mickey, right?

Mickey: That's what it says on my nametag. And next to all of my sentences in this script.

Nicky: Your last name wouldn't happen to be "Mowse"... would it?

Mickey: Why... it would. Why ya ask?

Nicky: BROTHER?!

Mickey: NICKY?!

[With the moment they'd both been waiting for finally arrived, the two long lost brothers embrace one another in a hug... when suddenly,

*SMACK!*



Jippy: A-HA! VEGETA!!!

Nicky: Who?

Jippy: KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.... HEEEEEEEEEEEEYARNOLDDDDDDDDD!!!!

[Jippy reels back... and BLASTS Nicky with a super charged blast of eletricity, rocketed forth from Jippy's own palms. Nicky is sent a few feet backward, and crashes to the pavement. Jippy goes for the pin... but Brownie pulls his "friend" off... and the two battle with eachother, away from the fallen body of Nicky. Nicky's brother, Mickey, reaches down to pull his bro up...]

Wes: WHAT THE H. E. DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS?!?!

Rex: What did that IDIOT just do?!

Wes: Sports fans... I don't know WHY, but Nicky Mowse's brother, Mickey Mowse, just short-arm clotheslined Nicky into OBLIVION!!!

Rex: Nicky is out COLD, and I don't like it ONE BIT! I was predicting Nicky would walk away from this as the Xtrmkor Champion! Mainly because he's Disney World Land's sponsor and it would be VERY profitable for both them and WSE!

Wes: I don't think him being a Disney sponsor would help his ability to retain the title, Rex.

Rex: It would if the booker wants to make a quick buck!

Wes: So much for kay fabe...

Rex: Wait a minute... Mickey is grabbing at his face... and pulling at it... IT'S A MASK! And underneath is... ANOTHER MASK!!! ... IT'S MR. E!!!

Wes: Indeed it is! The "Mystery Luchador", Mr. E, has made his arrival in the Xtrmkor Scramble, and has done so with ALOT of impact, taking out the interim champ!

Rex: Mr. E goes for the pin on the ko'd Mowse... and picks up the three count! Mr. E is NOW the interim Xtrmkor Champion!!!

Wes: Mr. E, the heaviest, most out of shape "luchador" to ever grace the world of eSports Entertainment, is sprinting away... or atleast, walking at a slightly brisk pace.

Rex: Well, as "brisk" as a fat bastard like Mr. E can walk. I have far less faith in that lard ass keeping the strap than I did Nicky. Hopefully SOMEONE will take the belt that doesn't have the physique of an obese elephant!

Wes: But Rex, Mr. E is a HEEL. Wouldn't that automatically put him in your favor?

Rex: Well... uh... Who's breaking kay fabe NOW, huh?!

Wes: ... Whoops. Er... with that, let's send it back to the beach!

Rex: Yeah... nice save.

Wes: On the beach, it seems as if EVERYONE is trying to eliminate "The Deadly Italian Nazi", Bob Gilmour.

[Screwball Sally, Justin Sufferable, "The Snow Man" Jorden Michael, and Darth Varga are quadruple-teaming Gilmour, slugging him backward, toward the edge of the ocean. With all four participants trying to eliminate the poor guy, it seems as if his ship is sunk. SUDDENLY, a bunch of crabs crawl along the shore and start snapping at all four eWzine-iverse members' feet. The four zine'ers scurry away... and the crabs scuttle back into the sea. Gilmour falls to his knees, out of breath from the attack... when Tom "Free" Mason zones in for a boot to Bob's face... but somehow, lucky Bob falls forward at the last second, his face falling to the sand, and sending Tom tripping over Bob's body... and SPLASHING into the water!!!]

Wes: Tom "Free" Mason has been eliminated!!!

Rex: That Bob Gilmour has to be the luckiest son of a bitch I've EVER seen! First, he was saved by an army of crabs, and now he "eliminates" someone, just by falling flat on his face at an opportune time!

Wes: But how long will it be before "The Deadly Italian Nazi"'s luck runs out? Speaking of nazis, Boney! Hedd and North! Poll are duking it out not too far away from the fallen Bob Gilmour...

Rex: You're calling them nazis?

Wes: ... Let's scope out that action, huh?!

[The camera finds North! going for the double ax handle smash to Boney!, but when he does, Boney! ducks underneath, swivels around, and lands a roundhouse kick to the back of North!'s head. Boney! then hooks North! into a reverse waistlock, going for a german suplex... but North! rolls forward, and latches on the ankle lock. Boney! taps furiously, but it won't do him a great deal of good, as the only way to be eliminated in this match is via being tossed into the water.]

Wes: Boney! is desperately trying to find any way to remove himself from this situation.

Rex: Dammit Boney!, use your HEDD!!! You're SURROUNDED by sand, THINK!

Wes: Whadya mean, Rex?

Rex: It's obvious! I can't believe you haven't realized it yet!

Wes: Regardless, Boney! reaches his hand out... grabs a fistful of sand... and tosses it behind him, into the eyes of North! !!! Is that what you were referring to, Rex?

Rex: Not exactly... I was thinking Boney! could dig a hole into the sand, and drag him and North! all the way to the Earth's core.

Wes: What would THAT accomplish?

Rex: Burning them alive.

Wes: ...

Rex: Hey, two more down is two closer to the end of this crap fest! Why can't I be as lucky as that Gilmour bastard?

Wes: Boney! pulls himself up, but as soon as he does so, he's knocked down to one knee with a superkick from North! North! then comes in with a quick knee strike to the face of Boney!... which Boney! avoids by grabbing the leg!

Rex: Boney! FLIPS North! backwards using the momentum of the leg, and North! almost does a backflip... but not of his own accord. North! splats onto the sand, face first, sending sand into the air. Boney! then grips North! by the legs, trying to bring him toward the ocean... but North! kicks Boney! away, nearly sending him into the water!

Wes: North! is up... and HE SPEARS BONEY! !!! Both men tumble into the water!

Rex: THE HELL KINDA STUPID ASS MOVE WAS THAT?! Is everyone on this island a total MORON?! Not only did North! eliminate Boney!... the jackass just eliminated HIMSELF?! Are you KIDDING ME?!

Wes: Well, you DID get your wish, Rex. We're now two down, and two closer to the end of this contest!

Rex: But seriously, how DUMB can you get?!

Wes: Well, atleast it's not as moronic as half of the shows on the Disney Channel!

Rex: ... Are you TRYING to get yourself fired?

Wes: Signs point to yes.

Rex: Well, I'd say your improving your chances...

Wes: Anyway, I've just received word that Team 2D, Brothers Mario and Luigi, are roaming "LameVideoGameKnockOff Land"... let's see if either can find the current interim Xtrmkor Champ, Mr. E...

[THE Mac Bry v2]

[Mario and Luigi are seen walking past arcade cabinets with games such as "Lesbian Evil : The Rosie O'Donnel Virus"... "Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 5,000 and 3 : The Same as The Last One, Only Now One of the Boards are PLAID!"... and of course, the smash hit "Doomed Halo : The Unreal Quake of Wolfenstein Nukem". SUDDENLY, Brother Luigi is attacked from behind... and standing above his now unconcious is body is a rough looking guy with a long, gruff, dirty, unkempt, unwashed, grizzly beard... bald head... no shirt... long, dark grey shorts... taped hands and feet... tatoos of all sorts of mean, nasty things all over his body... and no teeth.]

Wes: OH MY FROGGER! It's "The Ultimate Fighting Chickenshit", himself, Gruel Renshaw!!!

Rex: ... Who?

Wes: He's mean. He's nasty. He's BAD! And he's the ULTIMATE Chickenshit! A former MMA Champion... in Ethiopia... Renshaw made a trek to America for the greener pastures of UFC. Found out he sucked when compared to guys that can actually, you know... FIGHT. So, one call to WSE later, "The Ultimate Fighting Chickenshit" is in World Sports Entertainment, and ready to get KO'd the F'O!!! Don't call it a comeback...

Rex: You copied and pasted that from the roster page, right?

Wes: Yip. And speaking of right, Gruel just knocked Luigi the FUCK OUT with a right of his own! But Brother Mario is INFURIATED!!!

Rex: Wes, I don't think that's "Brother" Mario anymore, that's MAJOR MARIO we're looking at!

Wes: How do you know?

Rex: You're not the only one that can look at the roster page, ya know. After Gruel Renshaw has taken out Mario's brother with the K.O. fist, the plumber has gone BERSERK, and transformed into a marine style ass kicker!

Wes: In fact, that's where he hails from ; The Mushroom Kingdom Marines!!!

Rex: We're just trying to fit in ALL of the bio information, aren't we?

Wes: Well, otherwise, nobody's going to be reading this stuff. I spend too much time on this to have it be ignored!

Rex: YOU do?

Wes: ... AND LOOKIT MARIO GO!

Rex: Major Mario is stomping Gruel like so many koopa shells! Mario then pulls up Gruel, hooks on a reverse waistlock... and snaps off a quick german suplex... and he keeps the waistlock held on, rolls through, and breaks off ANOTHER german! THAT'S HIS MOVE! He calls it the Warp-Pipe Plex! The double german suplex connects, and Gruel Renshaw has been pummeled to a pulp!

Wes: And the newly reinvigorated Major spots Mr. E walking past a "Ms. Double-D Rack-Man" cabinet! Mario stalks behind the chubby current champion, ripping a steering wheel off of a "Need 4 Weed : The Fast and the Stoned" machine! Mario comes up slowly behind Mr. E, raises the plastic wheel into the air... before bringing it down over Mr. E's head!

Rex: I normally would be AGAINST Mario, but right now? I say KICK HIS ASS, MAJOR!!! Mr. E is way too plump to represent our company! He's not Xtrmkor! He's... LARDkore!!!

Wes: Major Mario goes for the pin... but the "Italian Stallion", Tony Spaghetti, rips Mario off, and hits the Spaghetti Kick, a variation of the superkick!

Rex: Major Mario and Tony Spaghetti are battling eachother, and while they are distracted, Mr. E drags himself to his feet, and hurries out of the arcade building... DAMMIT! He's STILL the champ!

Wes: Mr. E could very well make it out of this brawl with the title intact! Who will be the Xtrmkor champion when all is said and done?! Who will -

*WAMMY!*

Rex: HOLY SHORTCAKE!!! World Sports Entertainment newcomer, Luscious Melancholy Nasdaq Oxford Porterhouse, the All-Around All-Star Athlete from "The Field of Dreams", has just made his big time debut! And what better way than to have laid out Mr. E just as soon as the big man stepped foot outside of LameVideoGameKnockOff Land! LMNOP wacked 'E' with a lead baseball bat, and LMNOP goes for the cover... and picks up the pin!

Wes: LMNOP has just taken the strap! The All-Around All-Star Athlete is now the NEW interim Xtrmkor Champion!!! Now, let's send it back to the beach...



Rex: Where does that mook think he's going?

Wes: Anywhere where he'll be safe from elimination, I'd presume.

Rex: Well, Sally, Saunders, and CockenBlocken have stopped goofing off in the sand, and are sneaking up on the timid Gilmour... they all three are wielding hardcore weapons made out of sand! Sand barbedwire 2x4's... sand kendo sticks... even a sand staple gun!

Wes: But wait a minute... here comes a tidal wave! Saunders and CockenBlocken leap out of the way at the last second, but the wave scoops up poor Sally and carries her away! Gilmour is left crouched on the sand, covering his head... and not even a drop of water has come in contact with him!!!

Rex: DAMMIT, THE MAN'S UNVINCIBLE!!!

Wes: ... Unvincible?

Rex: That's what I said!

Wes: I thought so... Anyhow, Morgz and Sufferable are fighting brutally near the water... Justin catches Willy in a side headlock... Morgz tries to reverse this into a back bodydrop... but Justin flips over, and behind Morgz... hooks Morgz into position for a reverse ddt... but Willy drops down, stunning Justin Sufferable with a jaw-jacking 'Big Willy Whallop'!

Rex: What kinda jacked up name is that? Looks like nothing more than yet another Stone Cold Stunner rip-off to me...

Wes: Whatever it is, it just sent Sufferable flying through the air... and into the water!!! Justin has just been eliminated from the eWzine-iverse Beach Brawl!

Rex: Big Willy Morgz gets up and pumps a fist into the air, celebrating his victory over the Insufferable One... but is quickly spun around... into a dropkick from Darth Varga! The dropkick's force sends Morgz reeling... and ultimately colliding with the sea surface, sinking deep down into elimination.

Wes: Willy Morgz is gone, Justin Sufferable is gone, and so is Screwball Sally! The participants are being whittled away, and we're now down to the final five!

Rex: And as for the Xtrmkor Scramble, LMNOP, The All-Around All-Star Athlete, is now the interim champ, and it seems as if he's headed for Disney World Land's "Super 3D Action Theatre of the FUTURE!!!~!", where visitors can use this new technology that's just been created! It's fancy! It's shmancy! It's something we like to call "3D glasses"!

Wes: ... You mean the ones with the red and blue plastic lens?

Rex: Yeah!

Wes: Rex... those aren't exactly "new".

Rex: ... SHMANCY!

[We find LMNOP walking inside the theatre, dressed in a purple and silver baseball uniform, and carrying a lead baseball bat. LMNOP is a tall and lean, athletic looking black dude with dreadlocks, and posseses "da skillz" in every sport he competes in. "Da skillz" may be those of a five month old, half retarded chimpanzee, but nevertheless, those are the ones he posseses.]

[LMNOP walks up to a theatre worker, who has their back turned to the interim champion.]

LMNOP: Hey man, you think you could show me to a screening room that doesn't have anybody watchin' it? Maybe that flick with those gerbils... "G-Force" or whatever? There CAN'T be anyone watchin' that crap...

Theatre Worker: Gerbils? You want gerbils? I'LL GIVE YOU GERBILS!!!

[The "worker" turns around, and reveals that he's holding a charred, grotesque looking "snack"...]

Mickey Mowse: A GERBIL... on a STICK!!!

LMNOP: Bro... that's sick.

Mickey: You don't know what's sick! I'll TELL YOU what's sick! Sick is the people that ignore my business... my well-meaning business, meant only to provide the tourists here at Disney World Land with WHOLESOME, NUTRITOUS treats... And those same people spit on me just because I know that rats, mice, and now gerbils [dipped in four varieties of sauce, including vomit!] are CHALK FULL OF PROTEIN!!! Can't you people just give me a break and TRY IT?!

LMNOP: Well, now that you put it that way... HELL NO!

Mickey: Fine then! Be that way! Stick to yer lousy ol' weenies on sticks and candy apples on sticks! I'll move ahead! I'll move forward! I'LL -

*CRACK!*

[SUDDENLY... Mickey Mowse is dropped to the floor, thanks to a skateboard shot...]

Wes: It's Zorlax Firling! The Extraterrestrial from Astrolomega has just cracked his trusty Tankoria Board across the skull of Mickey Mowse, and now he's headed for LMNOP!

Rex: Luscious runs off, but Zorlax is hot on his trail with the assistance of his board, the fastest moving extreme sports vehicle since the Jupitarian Jaxlo-Cycle!

Wes: It's a high speed chase through the 3D theatre of Disney World Land! LMNOP is headed for a wall though... but he runs right up it and flips backward, over the head of Zorlax!

Rex: Zorlax tries to stop the board, but he can't in time, and Zorlax, along with his expensive board, COLLIDES with the brick barrier! There goes another 15 Quadzillion Astro Dollars!

Wes: LMNOP continues to run... and bumps into the Bling Bling Soldier, the Doctah of Ekonomix himself, John SEMEN!

Semen: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, YO! Dawwwggg, lemme SPIT ON THIS!

Yo azz is in muh grill, and you holdin' the strap
So in 'bout a minute forty, I'mma be the one tah snap
Yo neck like a twig, and then I take yo precious title
And then I'mma think up somethin' that sorta rhymes with title

You can't mess wit me, I'm like an invisible force field
My crappy raps is muh sword, and my pre-teen fans is my shield
Not that they'd back me up ya know, that's not what I'm talkin' bout
I mean I'd literally put one ah dem kids in front ah me, while I get the FUCK OUT!

Just like the 'Wrestling'. Get the 'Wrestling' OUT!

...

John Semen: Word to yo gram gram!

[Of course, by the time Semen has finished his rap (or atleast, a reasonable facsimile thereof), LMNOP has already walked away. Slowly. VERY slowly. Taking his time... with time to spare.]

John Semen: YO... Where'd he go?

Wes: LMNOP continues to run... some more...

[LMNOP runs into a screening room, where "G.I. Jobber : The Rise of the Game" is showing. LMNOP finds that nobody is there, and so he takes a seat, and grabs a handful of popcorn from off the sticky ground...]

LMNOP: *munch, munch* Mmm... ya know, for stale popcorn that's probably been here for a month... this ain't half bad!

[SUDDENLY... the screen fills with static, before a vision of two, sadistic looking eyes is seen...]

? ? ? : Luscious... you've just entered MY PLAYING GROUND. There is no escape. Resistence is futile. YOU WILL BE P0WNED!!! Soon... the game WILL begin... prepare for the count down.]

[The screen instantly fills with alternating lime green letters, which eventually give way to a mostly black screen, except for one digit in the very center...]

5...

4...

3...

2...

1.

[An explosion rocks the screen, filling the area with smoke, causing LMNOP to cough and wheeze. Luscious covers his face... he rubs his eyes, and after the smoke clears, LMNOP looks up... finding Viruz glaring at him, wearing a lime green, Haybabusa-esque costume. Vi pounces on LMNOP, but the "All-Around, All-Star Athlete" shoves away the "l33t Hax0r"... sending him rolling backward over one of the theatre seats.]

Wes: Viruz has been sent sprawling into another seat... and Luscious Melancholy Nasdaq Oxford Porterhouse is hauling ass again through the theatre doors, and hightailing it to SOMEWHERE, ANYWHERE where he'll be safe!

Rex: LMNOP continues to hold onto his crown, as the minutes dwindle for HIS bout... while on the nearby island sands, Darth Varga fights Jorden Michael, & Adrien CockenBlocken battles Mr. Saunders..... SAUNDERS!

Wes: But "The Deadly Italian Nazi" is nowhere to be seen. ... Hold on a second, I'm getting a message from the Magically Enchanted Kingdom Castle! It seems as though Bob Gilmour is heading inside the castle! Let's see what our cameras can pick up!

[The camera opens inside the castle... where Gilmour is trying to find a bit of shelter from the four eWzine'ers seeking to win the Beach Brawl. The camera pans to the left... where we see a young, teenage boy, with medium length, brown hair, cut at the neck. He wears a light blue head band... a dark blue, sleeveless tunic, with a long sleeved, white shirt underneath... a brown belt with a silver buckle... white tights... and brown, leather boots. And before the boy is a tall, shimmering sword... planted firmly... in a mound of shit.]

Rex: OH MY ZOD!!! It's... IT'S THE SWORD IN THE SHIT!

Wes: Yes... you'd think Brown Ranger would be somewhere nearby... Either way, Goo, the young, tunic-clad adventurer, is trying with all of his might to lift the sword from the dung...

Rex: This reminds me of a scene from The Legend of Smell-Dah : Ocarina of Slime! Except the Temple of Shite wasn't NEARLY as clean as the Magically Enchanted Kingdom Castle. Plus, it wasn't lined with posters shilling merchandise and Hannah Montana concerts.

Wes: Gilmour is avoiding the heap of crap at all costs, all the while trying to find a spot to hide until there's maybe one or two guys left in the Beach Brawl.

Rex: How do you know what his plan is?

Wes: Again. SCRIPT.

Rex: Ahh... Well, while Bobby Boy tries to hide, Goo the Adventurer is STILL struggling to remove the sword, and -

*THWOMP!*

Rex: And he just got SPEARED by... NICKY MOWSE!!! HELL YES! Nicky's back in this thing! Nicky easily removes the sword, and raises it above his head... and he might just slice off GOO's head!

Wes: But here comes LMNOP, trying, just like Bob Gilmour, to hide from those chasing after him! But unfortunately for the "All-Around, All-Star Athlete", he's run right into the heart of the action! Nicky spots Luscious out of the corner of his eye, and immediately drops the blade. Nicky sprints for LMNOP, who's eyes widen to size of headlights! Nicky prepares for a spear that could put the nail in LMNOP's coffin...

Rex: But Goo the Adventurer leaps onto the back of Mowse, sending them both falling upon the castle floor! FRIGGIN' EH!!! That BASTARD! Just as soon as Nicky tries to make a comeback, for the good of WSE, Disney, and my cherished prediction accuracy, that SUNNUVABEETCH Goo the Fuck Wit stops Nicky's chances dead in their tracks!!~! DAMN HIM! DAMN HIM TO THE SEVENTH LEVEL OF HADES!!!

Wes: LMNOP smiles at Goo's actions... a smile of relief. LMNOP is clutching his stomach, tired... sweating... and ready for this thing to end.

Rex: THAT MAKES TWO OF US!

Wes: LMNOP is running for the door of the castle, and sports fans, we only have five minutes left in the Scramble... and -

*static*

the day has arrived... my friends and foes
the beach has been littered with bodies...
the blood has poured... the bones have been broken...
the children cry for the fate of mickey... or is it nicky?

look at what you've done...

look at what you've caused...

look at the pain... the anguish...

the eWzine-iverse has been obliterated on the beach...

the wse stupid stars have slaughtered themselves for the xtrmkor title...

and soon... your hero shall face the same doom that approaches each and every one of you...

but we know what can save you.

The toilet flushes...
Into the bowl.
As the reaper's cloak...
Arrives for your soul.

The sink flows downward...
Into the drain.
As the bones rattle...
Along with the chain.

The depths of the drain...
Are as deep as the bowl...
The chain shakes and shivers...
A shaft swallowed whole.

The whipper whills warble
With wallowing wanks...
The trippering trollies
Tremble like tanks...

The beginning begins...
After endings have ended...
The new day dawns...
With an old gay winded.

The verizon is here
On a vertical horizon,
As the horizontal vertice
Is vertically wisened.

And through all stupidity...

And idiocy... moron-icity...

The Great American BackLash is here...

On the Beach... sponsored by Disney.

And while some in the Zine-iverse are involved with the Beach Brawl...
And some are overwhelmed with a Scramble for the Xtrmkor Title...

Others know the main event is where it all truly begins...
Where one reign comes to a close... and an ownership ends.

Where the one true king returns, to rule once again.

To lead his fellowship to the top of the mountain...

THE MOST ELITE FELLOWSHIP IN THE HISTORY OF PRO E-SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!!!

... Ahem.

Some wait for change.

Some pray for change.

But some?

Some MAKE change.

Main Event Mafia.

New World Order.

D-Generation X.

...

Evolution.

Welcome... to the beginning of a NEW Legacy.

The Legacy... of the Hoff.

eWzine?

Soon... you shall come to the simple realization...

That while Benjamin T. Mason-Morgan may suck donkey balls?

The truth is...

YOU DON'T KNOW JACK.

*static*

Wes: DID YOU SEE THAT, REX?!

Rex: You mean the promo about Benjamin T. sucking donkey balls?

Wes: Huh? No... Mr. Saunders... Saunders just eliminated both "The Snow Man" Jorden Michael AND Darth Varga at the SAME TIME!~!!

Rex: ... What? Are you sure you're watching the same monitor I am?

Wes: No, we've both got our own!

Rex: Well, I KNOW that, but I mean... the monitor didn't show the match! It showed static, then it showed some hype video, and then it cut back to you shouting around like you just sat down on a tack! That's gotta be the third time you've "witnessed" some huge development during a match that I didn't even notice!

Wes: See Rex, that's why I'm payed more than you. Because I pay ATTENTION!

Rex: Well, I do see that, for whatever reason, Jorden and Varga HAVE been eliminated, and we are now down to three men ; Adrian Cockenblocken... Mr. Saunders...... SAUNDERS... and of course, the man on the lamb, the chump on the run, "The Deadly Italian Nazi", Bob Gilmour.

Wes: Adrian and Saunders are sending fists flying eachother's way on the beach, while somewhere, Gilmour is tracking down a safe haven.

Rex: I wonder where that buffoon could BE!

[SUDDENLY -

Rex: GILMOUR?!

Bob: Hey, Rex.

[Bob Gilmour runs over to the commentary desk, in the middle of the Hell Hole, in the VERY middle of Disney World Land! Gilmour grabs a headset, pulls it on, and prepares to call the action along with Wes and Rex.]

Bob: This is Bob Gilmour, WORLD SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT ANNOUNCER, NUMBAH ONE!!!

Wes: That'd be me.

Rex: You mean ME, of course?

Bob: There's no chance in the Hell Hole that Adrian and Saunders will find me HERE! I'm the KING! The One and ONLY!

Wes: Is that LMNOP?!

Bob: Wes, it looks like it! Ol' Porterhouse is stealing my masterful idea! He's running into the ring... and now he's covering himself with a blanket!

Wes: That's not a BLANKET, it's the American Flag! With the entire ring and surrounding area decked out for the Fourth of July, LMNOP has seemingly found a cover that resembles the Flag adorned ring canvas!

Rex: So weird... I could have SWORN the 4th of July was a month and a half ago...

Wes: Well, atleast it's better than holding the match in October...

Rex: Yeah, that first 4th of July match was a tiny bit late... as in three months. But hey, better to have a 4th of July match in October than to have a Christmas match on Easter!

Wes: Or a Thanksgiving match on St. Patrick's day, eh Bob?

Bob: Hell if I know. I drink beer till I pass out on both days, so what's the difference?

Rex: Ya know what... I like this guy.

Wes: Hold on there, Rex! Is that the music I think it is?!

Rex: Bruce SPRINGSTEEN? Who chooses the theme songs around here?

Wes: What's wrong with Springsteen? I happen to LOVE his music!

Rex: There ya go.

Wes: ... What's that supposed to mean?

Bob: Springsteen's "Born in the USA" is playing, the non-existant crowd is on their feet, and here comes Redd W. Bloo!!! The American Patriot is storming to the ring, waving Old Glory in the air!

Wes: Bloo shoves the flag into the hole between the steps and the ring post, and he's stomping through the ring ropes, flexing and posing all the way... when he stares straight down at the flag on the mat.

Redd: BROTHER!!! JACK!!! DUDE!!! Ya wanna KNOW SOMETHIN' MEAN GREEN BEAN?!?! I've been a-huffin' and a-puffin', I've been blowin' houses down across this great nation of ours, and LEMME TELL YA SOMETHIN' JEAN GREY!!! That flag?! THERE'S SOMETHIN' WRONG WITH THAT FLAG, JACK! IT'S... IT'S... IT'S ON THE FLOOR!!! And nobody disgraces the AMERICAN flag by letting it fall to the floor! Not this nasty, disgusting, blood soaked RING FLOOR! Brother, the American Maniac has no other choice... but to BURN THIS FLAG!!!

Bob: Holy SNAPS! Redd W. Bloo is actually going to set the flag on fire... with LMNOP underneath!!!

Wes: OH MY!

Rex: OH NO!

Macho: OH YEEEAAAHHH!!!

Bob: Redd picks up a gallon of gasoline, and soaks the flag... before lighting a match, and tossing it on top!

LMNOP: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Redd: ... Brother?

[The tattered flag is tossed off, and Luscious jumps to his feet, running around and around... trying to beat off the flames.]

Rex: Heheh... beat off.

Wes: OLD GLORY CLOTHESLINE!!! Redd just leveled LMNOP, nearly removing his head! Redd hooks LMNOP's leg... and Redd has secured the pinfall with only a minute to go!!! On this, the 4th of July -

Rex: HA! Now THAT's funny...

Wes: - the most patriotic patriot in all of patriotism has captured the second most prestigous title in all of The World Sports Entertainment! And in less than sixty seconds, Redd's wife, MRS. Redd W. Bloo, may very well walk away with the World Sports Entertainment Heavyweight Championship Title Belt... of the WORLD!!!

Rex: Well Bob, it's been nice having you. Maybe we should grab a drink sometime?

Bob: ...

Rex: Wait... I just noticed something. Bob hasn't been here for the last three minutes... what the -

*TWITTER!!!*

Wes: HOLY SMOKED HAM!!! Bob Gilmour just broke the american flag Redd W. planted in the crack of the ring steps... OVER Redd W.!!! Redd has fallen flat on his face! The flag pole is broken in half and lying on the mat, and Bob is... pulling at his face...

Rex: Don't TELL me it's Mr. E again!!!

Wes: No... it's... HOLD THE DAMN PHONE!!! It's former WSE Chairman of the Bored, JACK HOFF!!!

Rex: AWWW HELL YEAH!!! The BOSS is BACK! The Hoffster is in... the... HOUSE!

Wes: Jack has conked out Redd W., Jack's one time bodyguard, and is now going for the pin on the muscle bound American... a referee slides into position... three seconds are left on the clock, displayed high on the 'Not-The-Titan-Tron'...

Ref: ONE!

Tron: 00:03...

Ref: TWO!

Tron: 00:02...

Ref: THREE!!!

Tron: 00:01... 00:00

Howard Fecal: Ladies and GENTLEMEN... your winner, and NEW WSE Xtrmkor 24/7 CHAMPION... Jack, "The Barrel Bellied Bull", HOFF!!!

Rex: HALLELUJAH!!! Once again, Jack Hoff holds a title in WSE, and ONCE AGAIN, WSE has a champion it can be proud of! It may not be the Heavyweight title, but there's ALWAYS Nitro!

Wes: This... This is Barrel Bellied BULLSHIT!

Rex: Phfff, sooo NOT funny! I'm the comedian around here, Wes. You'll just end up straining yourself!

Wes: Somehow, Jack Hoff, who we THOUGHT was gone from WSE for good, has returned, and STOLEN the Xtrmkor championship! He wasn't even scheduled for the damn match!

Rex: It doesn't matter HOW he won, it just matters that he DID! He may no longer be the Chairman, but as I always say -

Wes: Let's send it back to the beach, for the grand finale of the Beach Brawl!

Rex: I don't recall EVER saying that! ... WES?! I always say -

[Adrian Cockenblocken and Mr. Saunders..... SAUNDERS are short on breath, low on energy, but still fighting to send the other into the water. Adrian boots Saunders in the gut, goes for a ddt... Saunders reverses into a release fisherman suplex... Adrian lands on his feet, Saunders stands, but before he can turn around, Adrian goes for a bulldog... but Saunders shoves Adrian off! Adrian teeters close to the water...]

Wes: FLYING SHOULDERBLOCK! Mr. Saunders just SLAMMED into Adrian with the shoulderblock... sending Adrian catapulting into the ocean... and Cockenblocken HAS been eliminated!!!

Rex: But where in the HELL is the real Bob Gilmour?!?!?!

*SPLASH!!!*

Wes: There's your answer, Rex!

Rex: THE HELL?!

Howard Fecal: Your winner... and champion of the first annual eWzine-iverse 20 Person Beach Brawl Battle Royale... BOB... "THE DEADLY ITALIAN NAZI"... GILMOURRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

Rex: ... I quit.

Wes: Heheh, I know, crazy, huh?

Rex: NO! Seriously, Wes, I quit!!! This is the LAST fucking straw! None of this shit makes ANY SENSE! I've had it with the ludicrous booking, the lack of continuity, the RETARDED gimmicks... I'M DONE!!! Now... ARE YOU WITH ME?!

Wes: Well...

Rex: I've got this gig working for Penthouse magazine. You could be my ASSISTANT!

Wes: ... Benjamin T. Mason-Morgan? TAKE THESE JOBS AND SHOVE 'EM!!!

Rex: Find yourself another couple of mooks, Benny T.!!! We're OUT!

Wes: Now... this assistant job you speak of. Do you think I could take home one of the models? You know... for research?

Rex: ... We'll talk.

*static*

[The screen goes black...]

[... before it fills with lime green, alternating digits...]

[Could it be Viruz, "hax0ring" into the Paper View, just as he did the Disney World Land 3D Theatre?]

[...]

[Slowly, the digits dissapear... till there are but 12 letters left.]

'HELLO NORMALS'

[Static cuts through the screen once more... before being replaced by the vision of sadistic eyes... eerily similar to those LMNOP saw in the theatre "of the future"... those of Viruz... but could it be?]

[...]

[And SUDDENLY - a voice booms from behind the eyes... a deep, raspy, LOUD voice... dripping with malice... for the WSE.]

Ultimo MADDEN: HELLO NORMALS!!! Tonight... soon... VERY SOON... YOU WILL ALL FEEL THE UBER TASTIC DESTRUCINATION OF THE MIGHTY ULTIMO MADDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAARGGGH!!! FEEL MY WRATH AS I TEAR YOURSELF A NEW BACK HOLE! LISTEN... IT IS THE SOUNDS OF MY WINNINGS IN ALL MADDEN!!! NOBODY CAN DEFEAT THE POWER OF ME!!! AND SOON... very soon... PARODY... WILL... DIIIEEE!!! THE SERIOUSNESS SHALL REIGN SUPREME!!! YOU SAY 'GET THE WRESTLING OUT'?! WELL ULTIMO MADDEN SAYS... GET THE PARODY OUT!!! ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! SNAP INTO IT!!! ULTIMO, OUT!

*static*

[The camera returns, this time positioned in the parking lot, where Wes Rivers and Rex Winters are headed toward their car... They both carry their suitcases, and are ready to leave WSE for good.]

Wes: You think you could hook me up with Juggsy McLustful?

Rex: You mean the Octembuary 2008 centerfold?! No chance, man...

Wes: Awww, are you sure? That chick had gazongas out to HERE!

Rex: Where?

Wes: Well... if this was more than just a bunch of words on a screen, you could see my hands stretched all the way out... like TRIPLE D'S!

Rex: Dude, Juggsy had QUADRUPLE D'S!

Wes: *salivates* I need me some of THAT!

Rex: How about Clitty McEntire, from the April 2004 Issue?

Wes: ... Wasn't she 67 years old? With no legs, no arms, and an eye patch?

Rex: Yeah, but man, did she EVER have a pair of gums! I'd slide my toungue along THOSE gums ANYDAY!!!

Wes: ... You're sick.

Rex: I'm seeing a psychiatrist...

[SUDDENLY - a white hummer swerves out of NOWHERE!]

*CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG!*

[Wes and Rex lay in a pool of blood on the cement... and soon after the ex-commentators are plastered against the ground, the passenger and driver side doors swing open. Out step two men... one, the driver, a man in a jet black suit... with a crimson red tie... a pair of black shades, with lenses tinted red... and a head of platinum blonde hair pulled into a long ponytail. The man adjusts his golden wrist watch, then his collar, before calling for the passenger to make his way to his side.]

Reeve Gordon: AXL! Did you hear that?

Axl VanHalen: DUUUDE! It sounded like one of my SONGS man!

Reeve: Well, it did sound like you smashing your guitar on the amplifier. Which... pretty much covers half of every song you've ever recorded.

Axl: The accoustics when you do something like that? TOTALLY REEKING OF AWESOMENESS!!!

[Reeve is the gentleman with the ponytail and press-ironed suit... while Axl, the passenger, wears grungy, shredded jeans and t-shirt, along with a flannel shirt tied around his waist... His hair is short, messy, and dirty blonde, and his face is adorned by stubble. Axl and Reeve look about... before spotting the two pairs of feet sticking out from underneath their hummer.]

Axl: DUUUDE... somebody just wiped out BIG TIME, bro!

Reeve: Axl...

Axl: Yeah, Reeve?

Reeve: I think this is a sign. The time of a NEW World Sports Entertainment commentary team has arrived!

Axl: Don West and Mike Tenay?

Reeve: No...

Axl: Todd Grisham and Josh Mathews?

Reeve: ... No.

Axl: Matt Striker and Mike Adamle?

Reeve: NO! You and me, Reeve Gordon, Axl VanHalen... THE COMMENTARY TEAM OF THE FUTURE!!!

Axl: Wicked! We should get some team theme music... Being the leader of the band 'GwarTellica', I'm thinking my latest cut would be RADICAL... "Chainsaw Chickens with Guts Made of Paper Mache Slicing through Trees Constructed of Fibre Glass"!

Reeve: ... Five seconds in and I'm already starting to have second thoughts.

[Meanwhile, Mike Stand is standing backstage, in the hallway, next to the new Chairman of The World Sports Entertainment... Benjamin Tyrell Mason-Morgan.]

Mike: Mr. Mason-Morgan, allow me to officially welcome you to World Sports Entertainment!

Benjamin T.: Yes, it's GREAT to be here in The World Sports Entertainment!

Mike: ... Uhm... "The" World Sports Entertainment? ... Is that a typo?

Benjamin T.: THE World Sports Entertainment! Get the 'Wrestling' Out!!!

Mike: ... Of course, sir. Ahem... ANYWAY, up next, you'll be accompanying a mystery challenger to the ring, to duke it out with the wife of WSE Stupid Star, Redd W. Bloo. The winner of this long awaited main event WILL walk away as the NEW World Sports Entertainment Heavyweight Champion... of the WORLD!

Benjamin T.: Yes indeedy, and my super secret surprise challenger WILL be the one to walk away with the The World Sports Entertainment Title!

Mike: Next question... what's with you and the over-use of the word "the"?

Benjamin T.: I was sexually molested as a child by a rabid wolverine.

Mike: ... Seriously?

Benjamin T.: Yes. And a chimpanzee named Bubbles. They really did a number on my no-no place!

Mike: Huh... Well, final question. Do you have ANY idea who could be in the corner of Mrs. Redd W. Bloo?

Benjamin T.: I dunno. Probably yo' mamma! ... BWAHAHA, I crack myself up!

Mike: That makes one of us... Back to you, Reeve!

[The camera returns to ringside, where Reeve Gordon and Axl VanHalen have taken their position at the commentary desk for the first time. Axl rests his black sneakers on the table surface, slipping the headset over his ears...]

Reeve: Axl!

Axl: What's the haps, gramps?

Reeve: That's RUDE! You shouldn't toss your feet on the table like that, Mr. Mason Morgan spent GOOD money on WSE's property!

Axl: Oh are you KIDDING me?! This junk is so gimmicked, I'll probably break this table in half just by propping my sneaks up!

Reeve: Well, regardless, we're almost ready for the main event, but first? A word from our sponsor...

- ads -

Reeve: And we're back!

Axl: SERIOUSLY?! An advertisement on a PAY-PER-VIEW?!

Reeve: PAPER View, Axl.

Axl: ... Huh?

Reeve: As for the ad thing... I've been watching a few of this company's past shows. Trust me... you'll get used to it.

Axl: Gnarly, jackson... But hey, look who's here all of a sudden somehow!

Reeve: It's former WSE Chairman of the Bored, and CURRENT WSE Xtrmkor 24/7 Champion, Jack Hoff! Great to meet you, Jack!

Jack Hoff: So you guys are the replacements for Wes and Rex?

Axl: You got it, dudester! We're kickin' back, chill-axin', and from now on? WE'RE callin' the action of this most totally uber sweet eSports Entertainment shin-dig!

Jack: ... Both of you?

Axl: Yeah man!

Reeve: What's the problem, Jack?

Jack: Well, as for you, there's no problem. But I can see how this "team" could run in to some problems...

Reeve: How so?

Jack: For starters... if Axl does ANYTHING besides sit there with his mouth shut and his eyes closed.

Axl: ... That's solid cold, brah.

Jack: I don't sugar coat things, mac. Now... it's about time this main event got underway.

Reeve: You're right about that, Jack. Let's send it to Howard Fecal for the introductions!

Fecal: LLLLLLLlllllllaaaaaddddddiiiiiieeeeees and gents. I just flew in from Chicago, and BOY are my arms tired!

*rimshot*

Fecal: ...

*crickets*

Fecal: Tough crowd... might help if there was actually someone IN the crowd, but NEVERMIND! The following is YOUR Great American BackLash at the Beach MAIN EVENT......... of the EVENNNIIINNNGGG!!!

Fecal: Tonight, in THIS very ring... we will bear witness to the second EVER Fatal 4th of July Street Fight in World Sports Entertainment HISTORY!!!~!

Fecal: The rules are simple... The ring is constructed of red, white, and blue ropes... blue ring posts... a mat decorated with the American flag... and aprons with the logo for this, The Great American BackLash at the Beach! The outside of the ring is already prepared for the Fatal 4th of July Death Match, decked out with a hot dog cart... fireworks stand... small, plastic kiddie pool lined with cartoon characters, and filled with murky, muddy water... and in the ring, attached to each corner post, is a pole. And attached to each pole... is a bag, each containing a weapon themed after America's pride, honor, and tradition.

Fecal: And obesity. DON'T forget obesity!

Jack: Ya know... if it weren't for copy and paste, WSE's shows would probably be HALF as long...

Axl: Yay for recycling!

Fecal: So, basically, you beat up your opponent with all the crap around the ring... and then pin 'em. It's a hardcore match themed after a holiday that occured a month ago in only ONE country of the entire planet. And it's the main event. Of a ppv. Seen across the entire planet. ... Am I the ONLY one that finds that a bit... oh... retarded?

Jack: Trust me, Howie, you're NOT!

Axl: We COULD have this be a back to school match!

Jack: Hmm... nah. The Writer's too lazy to go back and change all of the references to July and 4th of July and America and all that bull crap.

Reeve: You know this... how?

Jack: BECAUSE! I've got CONNECTIONS!

Axl: Duuude, you're a mafia don?!

Jack: No... but Tony Spaghetti is.

Axl: SWEEEEET!!!

Fecal: The winner of this contest will be declared the holder of the currently vacant World Sports Entertainment Heavyweight Championship. Folks, this one's for ALL the marbles!!! Introducing first...

Reeve: Wait a minute, Jack, where do you think YOU'RE headed?!

Jack: I'm headed to the ring, where do you think?

Axl: Disney World Land!

Reeve: Axl... we're AT Disney World Land.

Axl: I'm high.

Reeve: That's obvious.

[Jack Hoff picks up his Xtrmkor title, and steps into the ring... grabbing the microphone from Howard Fecal.]

Jack: Alright, ya JERKS! It's time for the BIG reveal!

Reeve: You couldn't POSSIBLY know who Benjamin T. chose to battle for the belt.

Jack: Well... I don't. But I DO KNOW that I'M Mrs. Bloo's manager! And isn't that what EVERYONE has been dying to find out?!

Reeve: Actually...

Axl: Reeve, don't you EVEN go there, bro'ster! The Hoff being on this most excellent show TWO TIMES? I'd say that's sooooo totally more important than the "mystery" of the so-called mystery challenger!

Reeve: Why? Do you think YOU know who the mystery challenger is?

Axl: Of COURSE! It's... uh... Chris Benoit!

Reeve: I don't think so...

Axl: ... Eddie Guerrero?

Reeve: Neh-eh.

Axl: Uhm...

Reeve: Forget it, I think Jack has something else he wants to say.

Jack: Without further adieu... allow me to introduce you ALL, to the woman that wears the pants in the Bloo household... the TRUE Miss USA... Lady Liberty in the flesh... MRS. REDD... DUBBYA... BLOOOOOOO!!!

["Real American" by the Wrestling Boot Band hits, and the Star Spangled Bitch herself, Mrs. RWB, stomps down to the ring, wearing a flag-patterned mini-skirt, blue tube top with white stars adorning the front... her hair, long, curly, and red... badly applied makeup, smacked across her face... a bit of a gut... thighs stretched with cellulite... and of course, the high heeled, red white and blue platform shoes. The Bloo Broad waves the American Flag in the air, as she makes her way to the ring. She at first tries to walk up the ring steps, but with her wearing the high heels, that's out of the question. And so, she rolls in under the bottom rope, and Hoff continues the introductions...]

Jack: Now... I'd like to introduce the current Chairman... the man that STOLE my company away from me... the man that I should have NEVER trusted, because dad gummit, he's RUINING MY CREATION... and other than that, he's a really swell fella. Ladies and gentlemen... Benjamin... Tyrell... MASON... MORGAAAAANNNNN!!!!!~!1a

["Do the Hokey Pokey" by Some Sorta Band or Whatnot hits, and out comes...]

Reeve: WAIT UP! The "Not-The-Titan-Tron" has just filled with static... and now it's starting to display SOMEBODY's face... it's...

Axl: ... It's Benjamin T. !!! The boss man's mug is EPIC!

Benjamin T. : Jack... You know what? You're RIGHT. I stole WSE right out from under your nose. Well... besides the fact that you sorta SOLD it to me, but other than that, you're entirely correct. So... here's the deal.

BTMM: I've decided to sign the company back over to you.

Jack: ... Really?

BTMM: Yes... REALLY. But, heh... there's one catch. See... I've already signed the papers over. You know that paper you signed at McDomino's to enter to win a free triple decker crusted cherry flavored pizza?

Jack: Hell yeah! That sounded like a meal made for a KING!

BTMM: Well... I LIED! I worked with North!, owner of McDomino's, and had him trick you into signing your half of the contract.

Jack: ... Whadya mean my HALF? WSE is MINE! Are you tellin' me... wait, are you tellin' ME I own HALF OF IT?!

BTMM: Jack... you didn't own ANY of it not too long ago, so I'd be happy if I were you. As for your co-owner... well... I think, rather than tell you, I'll just let you meet him personally!

["Back in Black" by AC/DC hits, and the (canned) audience screams with (canned) excitement!]

Reeve: It can't be!!!

Axl: Duuude... who is this?

Reeve: It's the owner of the World Wide Extremely Crappy Waupner Championship Whatever Wrestling Federation (WWECWCWWF), Eric "Vinny" E. Kennedy Bischoff Russo-McHeyman!!!

Axl: The owner of the whozit whatzit, Bischoff Russo Kennedy Mc Huh-Now?

Reeve: THE most esteemed eSports Entertainment entreprenuer of our time! He revolutionized the way the game has been played so many times, and all with the corporate enterprise he calls the WWECWCWWF!

Axl: ... Wicked?

Reeve: Easy-EVEKBRMH is making his way down to the ring, high-fiving the... uh... air... on his way down! He has the million dollar smile plastered across his face, and the swagger of a man on a mission! Uncle Eric is stepping into the ring, and he's staring Jack down! Co-Chairman Hoff is flaberghasted!

Axl: This is UBER GNARLY! I can't believe that slug faced mutant Russo-McHeyman has taken control of MR. HOFF's company! Isn't that WWCFGR... Whatever, good enough for that punk'ster?!

Reeve: Well, we're about to find out, as Eric has just removed the microphone from Jack's clenched fist and has lifted it to his own mouth!

Eric: Sorry Jacky boy... but thems the breaks!

Jack: YOU BASTARD! You'll BURN IN HELL for this, ya hear me!? World Sports Entertainment is MY COMPANY! I created it, and I'll be damned if I let yet another no name MOOK pick it away from me! You haven't got the BALLS to run this organization alongside me, pal! I've been doing this for a YEAR now, and I -

Eric: Oh SAVE IT Jack! Honestly, if you were full of any more hot air, you'd be able to travel around the world in 80 days!

Jack: ... YOU STINK!

Eric: Jack, it goes like this. I sold MY company, WWECWCWWF, to Benjamin T. He can take it, he can do whatever he wishes with it. Hell, the guy can turn it into a pr0n production company for all I care! ALL I care about is the fact that now? I'm co-owner of a company that I see BIG things in the future for. And it all begins... with THUNDER!

Jack: Ya mean Nitro, right? See, you don't even know the name of the show! HA, and you call yourself a businessman!

Eric: Oh? Jacky boy... you misunderstand something. Nitro... is YOUR show. While Thunder? That'd be mine.

[Eric grins a toothy grin... what some would refer to as a "shit-eating grin", and something that's curdling the blood in Jack's veins.]

Eric: And after Thunder's done with Nitro, there'll only be ONE franchise left in World Sports Entertainment!!!

Jack: ... Nitro?

Eric: THUNDER!!! At the debut of Nitro on the Disney Channel, we're going to have a little Draft. Ten Stupid Stars for you, ten for me. And then we build from there. Thunder will have its own titles... your show will have its own, albeit far less valuable, championships. Oh, and unlike certain other drafts? The shows won't be locked down between brand rosters. Meaning your losers can TRY and start crap with mine... but my ELITE will FINISH it.

Jack: So you're saying that if I want to send someone over to Thunder, kill one of your jobbers, and then take one of your many worthless straps back to Nitro so we can use it as a doorstop... that'd be fine and dandy?

Eric: Pretty much.

Jack: So... this is a WAR you're talking about, eh?

Eric: You've got it, buddy... unless of course you'd rather just let me take over your half, assert Thunder as the franchise program without a fight, and maybe I could hire you as an arena janitor or something?

Jack: YOU'RE ON!

Eric: ... You want to be a janitor?

Jack: ... NO! I meant... you're on, to the OTHER THING! Blasted timing...

Eric: By the way, I've spoken with the Board of Commitee Type Thingamabobbers, and a few other shows have been added to WSE's weekly schedule -

- SmackRaw on The Food Network, which will be hosted by a different guest star each week...

- WSE StupidStars on Animal Planet, which will take the three rosters from Nitro, Thunder, and SmackRaw, and put them together to make a crappy, third rate c-show that virtually nobody watches... which is pretty much like any other WSE show, except it's on Animal Planet, so naturally, even FEWER people will watch. So... fewer than none, would probably be like... negative one hundred? Sounds about right...

- WSE Survivor on FOX, which will basically be a combination of every single reality show you can think of... only with the WSE Stupid Stars replacing a bunch of vapid tools with no realistic personality. So... not much of a difference there...

- And Xtrmkor TV on The Home Shopping Network, which, from now on, will be the only show you can find the Xtmkor title on, besides Paper Views. Plus, this program will be littered with advertising for WSE merchandise. My idea. Brilliant, I know...

Eric: With these shows in place, each on a different day, World Sports Entertainment will be EXTREMELY close to having a program on every single day of the week! Televised domination will be OURS!!!

Jack: ... I'm starting to become confused, are you a face or a heel?

Eric: That's another thing. Heels and faces are SO over rated, so from now on? They don't exist here. WSE Stupid Stars are free to make their own choices, and so are the fans. If they want to cheer someone, go ahead. Boo them if you want. As long as you buy their merchandise, we couldn't really care less!

Jack: You know what... we may not be so different after all!

Eric: By the way, all merchandise profit goes to feeding starving children. Spend a buck - Give a fuck!

Jack: ... ERIC, PREPARE FOR WAR!!!

Reeve: All while this is going on, Mrs. Bloo seems to be aching for a fight... Eric and Jack are glaring down one another, and -

Speakers: PREPARE TO BOW DOWN BEFORE ULTIMOOO... NORMAAAALLLLSSSS!!!

Reeve: He's HEEEEEEE-eeeeeeeeeere!

Axl: Aw crap! I've heard about this guy! The promo packages... the interviews and hype ads on the eWzine Double Power Hour... it's Ultimo MADDEN! And dammit, I think the dude's gonna go killer style on the poor chick from the Land of Milk and Honey!!!

Reeve: Ultimo, the 6 foot ten monster from Parts Unknown, is racing down to the ring in army fatigues and orange & green face paint! He's ready to pick up the vacated gold!

Axl: Ultimo slides briskly into the ring... and WHOOOAAAA, he just FLATTENED the Mrs. with the CLOTHESLINE FROM A GARTH BROOKS CONCERT!!!

Reeve: A clothesline from WHERE?

Axl: Dude, I'm a metal head. That pretty much translates to "hell", if ya catch my drift, campadre!

Reeve: Sweet nelly... Anyhow, Redd W. Bloo's wife goes down, and Ultimo lands the legdrop of Mania! He hooks the leg, and the ref is in position...

1...
2...
3!!!

Reeve: Eric Whatshisface and Jack Hoff are STILL arguing over brand superiority, while Ultimo MADDEN has just claimed the World Sports Entertainment Heavyweight Title!!!

Axl: But this raises a question, man... where's Ultimo going to go with the title? Nitro? Thunder? SmackRaw?

Reeve: Just DON'T say Disney World Land...

[SUDDENLY - Jack Hoff, still exchanging a war of words with his now co-Chairman, Eric "Vinny" E. Kennnedy Bischoff Russo-McHeyman, is spun around... before being KERSMASHED into next Octembuary with a hellacious clothesline, from none other than Mrs. Redd W. Bloo's husband... uh... Redd W. Bloo! The co-Chairman and Xtrmkor champ is flat on the mat, and Redd goes for the cover! Remember folks, it's 24/7 rules with the Xtrmkor Title, which means falls count anywhere, at ANY time! A referee slides in and slaps his hand to the canvas to count the pinfall...

1...
2...
2 and 2 thirds...
2 and 3 quarters...
2 and 7 ninths...

...

2 and -

Reeve and Axl: OH GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!

[3!!! Sheesh... just trying to add to the suspense...]

Reeve: Redd W. Bloo has just taken the Xtrmkor title BACK from Hoff, after losing it in the closing seconds of the Xtrmkor Scramble!

Axl: Crap on a bodacious STICK, my amigo! This is so TOTALLY NOT righteous! Hoff could have made his Xtrmkor title reign just as EPIC as his WSE World Title run, but now it's been cut short by that beach breath, Redd W. NOT-VERY-COOL!

Reeve: ... Redd W. Not Very Cool? You make that one up by yourself, did ya?

Axl: Of course! I'm a witful intellectuallist!

Reeve: ... Right. Anyhell, Hoff is now out cold on the ring floor, and Redd W. Bloo, Ultimo MADDEN, and Eric Russo-McHeyman are standing tall above... Eric's got the microphone!

Eric: Jack... one last note. Redd W. here? He's my FIRST DRAFT PICK... and he's also the NEW WSE Thunder, WeatherWeight CHAMPION! No longer will Redd have to defend this title 24/7, as the Xtrmkor title no longer exists! And Ultimo here? His WSE Heavyweight title will be YOUR title... which means Ultimo is the NITRO champ... which means he'll be on YOUR show, and causing havoc with YOU, EVERY...SINGLE...WEEK!

[Eric changes his glance from Jack to the camera...]

Eric: I've decided to take the Xtrmkor TV idea, and evolve it. Instead of having a title be on the line, every episode will be like the Xtrmkor Scramble that occured tonight... only with everyone in Disney World Land in on the act! Someone will be designated "it", and throughout the show, everyone will battle to walk AWAY from the show as "it"... and the person that does will receive a shot at the WeatherWeight Title on the following episode of Thunder!

Eric: I'm already proving that I AM a far more brilliant Chairman than Jack Hoff could ever wish to be, and I dare ANYONE to prove me wrong!

[SUDDENLY - "Blow Me Away" by Breaking Benjamin hits on the arena speakers... the lights dim, and spotlights swirl around... before they too are cut, and the arena is without light. Loud crashing noises are heard... and soon after, the lights return... Stung, Sucka T, Wright Angle, Big Poppa Dump, Big Daddy Drool, Spazzz, and "The Samoan Movie Machine" HollyRock, a group that may or may not have formerly been collectively known as 'The Glass Ceiling Gang' surround a hunched over Eric... who holds his bloody nose and blackened eye. "Blow Me Away" continues to play...]

[... and out comes Bing O. Hall, "BarelyGood" Hulko Gunn, and "Macho Ham" Porky Samich (who is an actual ham sandwich. don't ask...), all three of which may or MAY NOT have formerly been a part of a group known as the jobber World order. They are then followed by Triple S, The Heart Attack Kid, X-Lax, Mr. Asshole, Hott Doggy Dogg (an actual hot dog. again... don't ask)... along with "The 200 and Twenty 9th Wonder of the World", cUba... along with "The Nasty Boy", Dick Hair, "The IQ Killer", Retard Orton, and Bobby Batista BrockBerg, all of which PROBABLY, or perhaps probably not, but MOST likely, were involved with something entitled 'D-Evolution X'.]

[Maybe.]

[Oh, and plus there's a midget named "The Big Small".]

[...]

Reeve: It's the Main Event New World D-Evolution Mafia Order X1!! The greatest assemblage of random jobbers hastily thrown together at the last second with names sounding like they came from a blender... EVER!!!!one

Axl: It's TWENTY MEN! This is a regular WCW-worthy shmozz, BAH GAWD!!!

Reeve: Boom Boom Quaker, is that you?

Axl: Nah, I'm just channeling his essence... But duuude, the MENWDEMOX is TOTALLY ravagazizing Eric McHeyman and - Whoa, here comes the cavalry! It's Ultimo MADDEN, using his mighty might to take out not one, not two, but NINETEEN members of the MENWDEMOX at the SAME TIME!!!

Reeve: Ultimo is, as Boom Boom would have put it, a regular house of fire! But only ONE member of this super group is left standing... and it's the EX-WSE Champion, The HollyRock!

Axl: The two cool cats stand nose to nose... And Jack Hoff is crouched in a corner, smiling deviously!!! What a hip jive turkey!

Jack: Ultimo... Allow me to welcome you to MY company... and more importantly, MY personal show, NITRO... this is MY super group, the Main Event New World D-Evolution Mafia Order ... and he? He's HollyRock, the man I've chosen to reclaim the title YOU STOLE!!! I WILL bring you down Ultimo! I know how much you hate parody... but as long as you're on MY show?! You'll be a part of the parody that you loathe so much! Nitro IS parody, and Nitro IS The Hoff!!! Now... Rock... let him see STARS!!!

Reeve: HollyRock goes for the BlockBuster rock bottom variant... but Ultimo ducks under... Rock turns around... Ultimo goes for HIS finisher, the clothesline from hell, but HOLLYROCK ducks under!!! And now Rock and Hoff are scampering out of the squared circle!

Axl: They'll get Ultimo back on Nitro, just you wait and see! The Heavyweight title WILL be back around HollyRock's waist, and Ultimo will be nothing more than a memory!

Reeve: Well folks, we end our big event witnessing HollyRock and Jack Hoff staring down at Ultimo, who stands center ring, holding the WSE Heavyweight title aloft. I believe this truly IS the beginning... of a... uh.. new... BEGINNING!

Axl: Way to put it eloquently, Reeve...

Reeve: Ultimo has made a tremendous debut, winning the Heavyweight title in his FIRST WSE bout. Redd W. Bloo has won the Xtrmkor Scramble, but in a twist of fate, wound up becoming the first Thunder Champion, as Eric Russo McHeyman has arrived, and so has the WSE Brand Split! So MUCH has occured on this one spectacle of an event, not to mention the underdog of all underdogs, Bob "The Deadly Italian Nazi" Gilmour winning the first annual eWzine-iverse Beach Brawl!

Axl: That was... well, to put it midly, 'gnarly'. Seriously dude... Bob GILMOUR?! Coulda atleast went with Screwball Sally... that chick's got a NICE ass, lemme tell ya!

Reeve: Things are truly heating up here in WSE, just as the weather's about to cool down and the season changes from summer to autumn. It's been one year here in World Sports Entertainment, and things are JUST about to pick up. Jack Hoff is back in charge, but he now shares his Chairmanship with Eric "Vinny" E. Kennnedy Bischoff Russo-McHeyman, the former owner of WWECWCWWF, the greatest and BESTEST eSports Entertainment organization EVER~!!!

Axl: Yup. ... Think we should tell everyone that we came from there, before we were picked up by Eric to come over to this joint to replace those two goons that we knocked off... er... that were in that "tragic accident"?

Reeve: ... I think you just did. ... ANYWAY, folks, we're out of time. Next week (give or take the rest of 2009) marks the second episode of Nitro, the RETURN of Nitro, and the DEBUT of Nitro on the Disney Channel! It's a five hour extravaganza, and it promises to be the biggest event in the HISTORY of not only WSE, but eSports Entertainment PERIOD! It's the first EVER wrestling program to last five hours?

Axl: Are ya sure about that?

Reeve: Nope, but I'm too damn lazy to check my facts.

Axl: Ah... totally.

Reeve: Every hour will be hosted by a different special guest, and will be hosted from a different location in the Disney World Land theme park.

Axl: I just hope the Main Event New World D-Evolution Mafia Order X is there.

Reeve: Why?

Axl: I need SOMEONE to be there that's more of a joke than I am. Twenty of those would make me feel like king of the world! Or atleast... Disney World Land. Or atleast... the small area that the Hell Hole arena occupies.

Reeve: Alright folks, before you witness the return / debut of Nitro, make sure to tune into Tad "The Tool" Griswold's Triple Power Hour of DOOM!, sometime this week, to hear his take on all of which transpired here tonight, as well as what is set to occur on the second episode of WSE Nitro, the show that we already know will host the Nitro / Thunder / SmackRaw Brand Split!

Axl: ELECTRIC! I'll be there with aerosol hairspray on!

Reeve: Thank you for tuning into the Great American BackLash at the Beach, folks. For Axl VanHalen, this is Reeve Gordon, wishing you ALL a good night...

Axl: Except for Benjamin Halku-

Reeve: AXL!!!

Axl:

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