WSE 2008 : In The Beginning

[THE Mac Bry v2]

[Jack Hoff is sitting in the living room of his one bedroom trailer, on his nasty old sofa, with his feet propped up on the stained coffee table. He pops open a can of beer, before chugging it as though he hasn't had a drink all day.]

[After downing the beer in its entirety, Jack flips on the tube... and finds himself looking at the first episode of AWE Spectacle. He watches as he wins his fist match, as he and three others move on to the second round of the Dead End tournament... But in the end, he's left...]

Jack: Bored. DAMN I'm bored. This shit just ain't what it could be! This show needs more... what's the word I'm lookin' fah... SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!

Jack: Hell, I could probably put on a bettah show than this dreck! ... In fact, that's just what I'm gonna do!

::: two hours later :::

[It is a little bit past 9 o'clock. Jack Hoff is on his computer, and he's typing away at the keyboard...]

"Hey, ya buncha brainless ingrates! JackedHoff.net will soon be debuting a brand new, revolutionary, professional, amateur, fake-ass e-sports-entertainment product! The new product, which I've brilliantly entitled "ChinLocked and Loaded", will be a brand new, 24 hour a day, 7 day a week, network of video clips which I will personally produce using a roster of some of my own, close, personal, compadre's. Segments will be broadcast right here, on the greatest website in the history of the information frickin' high-way!"

"And the best part about it? They'll air throughout each and every fuggin' day, givin' you worthless weasels somethin' ENTERTAINING tah do, instead of wait, and wait, and wait some more for the next lackluster episode of Spectacle! It's gonna be sports entertainment, 24/7..."

"... whether you like it or not!"

"So, sit tight, hold ontah yuz seats, and get ready fah a bumpy ride, cuz baby, the show's just gettin' started!"

[Jack finishes with the message for his website, and clicks "post", before cracking his fingers. He pops his neck to the left and then the right... before folding his arms bahind the back of his head.]

"It Has Begun..."

- end -

-------------------------------------------------------------

::: 02.03.08 - 11:57am :::

[Scene: The raYne Forest. A jungle, in the far-away, mystical land... of New Jersey. Yes, I know, it sounds improbable. Maybe even impossible. But deep, deep, DEEP in the heart of this state, is a wonderful wilderness, filled with wonderful waterfalls, and wonderful creatures... and most importantly, the wonderful, and quite attractive...]

[... raYne.]

[Yes, AWE fans, the raging homosexual spirit from the company's second incarnation has returned! And this time, he's better than EVER! Why, you may ask? It's simple. Because raYne has gone from this; ]



[... To an entirely new look! raYne no longer wears outdated fashions and uses outdated terminology! No, no, no, today's world needs a NEW hero! A new HOMO! An emo homo hero!!! Ladies and gentlemen, grab some popcorn, grab ahold of your seats, and get ready for the new, and IMPROVED, raYne!!! ; ]



[Babe, Punk just discovered its sexuality... and it's queer!]

~ raYne: He's coming... Grab a napkin. ~

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

::: 02.03.08 - 3:57pm :::

[Scene: Little Italy - Mama Mia's Family Resteraunt]

[It's a nice, calm, afternoon. Everything's going fine, everything's going swell. Not a problem in sight.]

[We open to the inside of the establishment, where people are eating, having a good time. The owner of this establishent? Mama Mia, a fine, upstanding old broad, with a heart of gold. She knows the business, but she also knows that it takes care and love for the customer to make a resteraunt succeed. But not only succeed... feel like home.]

[And then she got shot in the head.]

[Nobody saw nothin'. Nobody knew nothin'. See, that's just the story ah my life, capice? Yooz gotta be smart in this business.]

[The family business.]

[Yuz take yuz eye off the ball fah one second? GOBBA-GOO!! Ya got marinara sauce splattered all ovah ya nice new armani suit. And that sauce? That's yooz sauce, pally.]

[The family business... ain't nuttin' like it.]

~ Tony Spaghetti: He'll make ya an offah ya can't refuse.~

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

::: 02.03.08 - 11:57pm :::

[Scene: A spoooky graveyard... Fog. Tombstones. Dead trees. The whole nine. The makings for the perfect generic "evil" promo... done by the generic-est generic "evil heel" in the biz, Kruzifix. The guy's got 'bland darkness' down to an art form. Tonight, on this dark, cold, late-winter's night, Kruz is sitting atop a gravestone... the gravestone of his deceased girlfriend, "Trinity". He wears black 'Tripp' pants, lined with chains... black sandals, a black t-shirt with the words "I am darkness. I am hatred. I am... hungry. For a burger. From Denny's. ... I am lonely". He also wears a spiked collar, spiked wrist bands, a bunch of ear-rings, a lip-ring, a piercing through his eyelid, black fingernails, black lipstick, and his hair is black, with hot pink highlights.]

[Yup. He's the poster boy for 'Poser', alright.]

Kruzifix: Life is a bitch. And then you die. But life is worse than death. For life is torture. Torture, sprinkled with the barren desolution of tattered dreams. Shattered love.

Kruz: The life we lead is all for not. For when we die, our body withers... flesh torn asunder... and verily, and yonder, and from whence the corpussle of chatanoogo doth blow.

Kruz: This is the Truth...

Kruz: I am coming to ChinLocked and Loaded. But will anyone care? WILL ANYONE CARE?! Probably not. I don't blame them. But the Truth is... I do.

Kruz: I do care.

Kruz: WHAT ABOUT ME... WHAT ABOUT KRUZIFIX?!?!

[That's been done.]

Kruz: Do not you think-eth I know-eth that? ... CUT!

- cut -

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

::: 02.03.08 - 8:57pm :::

[Scene: Washington, DC. Outside the capitol building.]

[USA. What can you say...]

[He's a patriot.]

[Yes, Mr. USA , the most American of Americans.]

[He loves his country.]

[He loves his president.]

[But the one thing he doesn't love...]

[Is black people.]

[And muslims.]

[And jews.]

[And those filthy hippies.]

[Actually, there's alot of things he hates.]

[And he wouldn't call ANY of them people.]

[Because to him?]

[They're just...]

[Un-American.]

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

::: And the rest of the crew :::

- Father Time: Through the sands of time, and through countless ages, Father Time has stood his ground. Well... atleast, when he's not falling over at the slightest gust of wind. One of the only moves in Time's arsenal is the chop. Which, upon delievery, he immediately falls down. Before being pinned, most of the time. But he'll never retire!!!

- Kidd Kanada: OH CAN-A-DAAA! He's trained in the premier Canadian wrestling facility; The Dungeon of Doom. He's able to bust out some high-flying ability, even with his loads upon loads of technical prowess. He's "The Best He Can Be... The Best His Trainer, Steven Kullivan Could've Been... The Best Any Canadian with Mediocre Talent and Zero Charisma Could Ever Wish to Be!!!"

- Yamaha Suzuki: HE PUT PEE-PEE IN YO' COKE!

- El Taco: Cruisin' the streets in his pimped out lowrider... lookin' for all the hot mamacitas... lyin', cheatin', stealin', and livin' for "La Raza"... There's NOBODY like El Taco!

- Correction. No one LIVING. ...

- Spam: ... DAMN!

Steve Roydz: With all the controversy surrounding PED's in wrestling, you'd think people would have learned their lesson by now. And that's why this guy is smart. He wouldn't take a steroid if he HAD to! ... Or atleast, his drug test came up negative, so we're taking him for his word. Aw well...

- The Bakery of Darkness: Led by "Chef Death", Salt and Pepper are the former tag team champs of 'Iron Chef Soup-Preme Wrestling Organization' [ICS-PWO]. And through hell-fahr and keystone light, they WILL rise to the top of the CL&L tag ranks! Or someone will... Rest... in... YEEEEEEAAAAASSSSSTTTTTTT!!!!!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And there you have it. ...

- the -

-------------------------------------------------------------

BREAKING NEWZ:

Having just got off the phone with long time Kazostannafalaffalakian Bean Chef, Rat-Bore, Jack Hoff has announced to the world that the Kazostanny will now be the official 'CL&L Ring Announcer'. Hearing this, Rat-Bore had this to say ;

"Is happy time for myself and others, very much so. I cannot being contain pee pee in thing-ah-mah-deal, for I is weeping through penis at much joy. Till having joob of announce, I not have much of the... uh, how do you say, 'life'? I is living in trash can on the Sesame Street, having the orange peel as the much food and nourish."

"I need drink, so man he say, 'ha ha ha, ha ha ha, you need drink, ha ha ha, you need drink!' So I kill man and drink him blood."

"Good times. "

More newz as it develops...

- JHoff.net

-------------------------------------------------------------

["No Pants at All" plays.]

"No Pants! That's what I'm wearin'.
I woke up right outta bed,
A pot of hot coffee fell right on my head.
Too drunk.
Too eat a pumpkin pie.
Salami, burger, pocorn, bitter cheese, poop stain
It's just a matter of time Cuz I got -"

[And from out of the dark, there came an awesome sound, shouted 'Cowabunga' as he hit the ground. From out of the field of the weeds, our hero rescued the flower, because he possesed?]

[Gordon Power.]

[...]

[Ahem.]

[Yes, "No Pants at All" plays, on a stereo outside Reeve Gordon's three room shack in Nowhere, Oklahoma. A kitchen, a living room, and a bathroom. Cozy. Not comfortable... Reeve steps out of the backdoor, with a lousy, rented suit on. His hair is long, dark black, and messy. His face looks as if he hasn't shaved in some time. And he wears a pair of cheap sunglasses, with the tag still attached. Reeve walks away from his shack, and toward a "ring", which is made out of four steel poles driven into the ground, and shoddy ropes wrapped around each corner, connecting the poles together. This ring is awful, even as far as awful rings go. It's more awful THAN awful. It's... REALLY awful.]

[Reeve steps into the "ring", and grabs... a twig. ... I guess it's supposed to be a microphone? Sure, why not... He begins to speak into it, to the audience of... stuffed animals, in attendance. ... Maybe I should rethink this deal.]

Reeve: A few years ago, Jack Hoff appointed me as Commisioner.

[... A few YEARS ago? ... It was only a couple of hours ago...]

Reeve: Years, hours, same difference.

[...]

Reeve: The point I'm trying to make is, I'm the boss, applesauce, and what I say goes. So, without further adieu, I've created this company's top belt. A belt more important than all 35 other titles. More important than all the tag titles combined! More important than the World Sports Entertainment Heavyweight Title! Even more important than the Unimportant title! Yes, I've made... THIS!

[Reeve reaches into one of his pockets, and pulls out... a black belt. A black belt, with... what appears to be a weeks old ham samich duct-taped to it. ... This is beyond ridiculous. Thank God for the pay...]

Reeve: THIS... is the hWo 24/7 title!!! And from now on, not only will it be THE most important title on ChinLocked and Loaded... but baby, this thing's gonna be THE most important title in AWE! Because when the champion is crowned, this title will be defended TWENTY-FOUR / SEVEN!!! Yes folks, anyone, and that includes other, lesser, AWE Super-Dee-Duper-Stars, will have the opportunity... no, the PRIVELEGE, to face this title's owner, anytime they see fit. And how will the owner of this title be decided? Well, I've had a genius, brilliant... brilliantly genius idea.

Reeve: We're going to have a tournament.

[WOW, I wonder where you got THAT idea from...]

Reeve: Shut up! I did NOT steal it from the Dead End tournament... if that's what you were thinking...

[ ]

Reeve: It's totally original... and I'm calling it the 'Not-Alive Last-Part' tournament!

[... What the... wait, isn't that just a rip-off of 'Dead End'? ... A bad one, at that...]

Reeve: Uhhh... There will be 16 participants!!!

[ ]

Reeve: ... OK! Everyone will be in the tournament! How's THAT for original, Mr. Smarty Pants?

[20 roster members... would that make for an uneven bracket? I guess four of the guys are going to get byes?]

Reeve: DAMMIT! ... Ok, I have an idea! ... Gauntlet match! Right now! raYne, get your ass out here!

["Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", by Cyndi Lauper, plays on the outdoor stereo, and raYne runs out of the shack... man, I wonder if Reeve fit EVERYONE in there... and "The Storm" leaps over the ropes and into the ring. He's wearing the same clothes he was seen in on Mount. Shaddapayaface the other day ; Tripp pants, sandals, spiked wristbands & collar, and no shirt. His hair is long and dyed lime green and ice blue, his fingernails are painted multiple colors, and his lips are glossed ice blue. raYne tries to leap onto one of the poles to pose... but he trips, and falls off, right onto his back. Hey, the thing's not really meant to be jumped onto at breakneck speed... and it's not very thick. Not much of a ring post, if you ask me... But wait! Reeve is... Reeve's covering raYne!!!]

Reeve: 1, 2, 3! raYne eliminated! Ya QUEER!

[After quickly slapping his own hand to the ground three times, Reeve "pins" raYne. raYne stands up and shoves the new commish, who simply smirks... and shoves raYne back... right into a full-nelson powerslam at the hands of Steve Roydz! Steve Roydz is a bodybuilder sort of guy, and from an earlier report on JHoff.net, Roydz will be acting as Reeve's personal bodyguard. raYne is sent crashing to the ground at the hands of Roydz, who then rips raYne from the ground and tosses him out of the makeshift ring. Reeve grins from ear to ear, and calls for the next participant in the gauntlet...]

[... After a few minutes, and thanks to Roydz doing all the work, "Reeve" ends up eliminating Mr. USA, Freeze, Frost, X, Y, Chill Factor, and -]

"Dead Chef Walkin'..."

[ - Uhh ohh... As Reeve and Roydz are playing a game over DS Wi-Fi, "Pie" by the Rock suddenly breaks the silence. Both men in the ring look toward the shack, but Chef Death comes from the other side, blindsiding both men, with the help of his henchmen Salt and Pepper. The cook and his assistants beat down the owner and his security officer... when through the crowd of stuffed bears and monkeys, the dark one, Kruzifix, runs out and nails both Salt and Pepper with... what is that... is that a loaf of bread? Kruzifix nails both men with the fluffy bread, and they go down... Sheesh. Anyway, Kruz pulls out... a bottle of grape juice? Wait, bread, grape juice... that's his move! The Holy Kommunion! Kruzifix gulps down the bottle of grape juice, before whipping Chef Death around, and bringing the bottle shattering against the Chef's skull!!! Glass spills everywhere, and so does the Chef's blood, as Kruz pins Death, and gets a 1...2...3, from Reeve's count!]

(A few more moments pass, and Kruz and Roydz, apparently working for Reeve, eliminate Yama Suzuki, El Taco, Tony Spaghetti, and Kidd Kanada. Roydz and Kruz stand in front of Reeve, shielding him from the next entrant, who turns out to be...)

Stereo: DAMN!

["Damn", by Matchbox Twenty, plays, and out comes Spam. He gets into the ring, and stands in front of Roydz and Kruz, hands on his hips. He looks out at the stuffed bunnies and frogs... before rubbing his chin... and yelling - ]

Spam: RAM!!!

[And... what the HELL? Is that... a ram?! An actual, live, breathing ram runs through the backyard, and bucks into Reeve's ass with its horns. Reeve leaps and yelps in pain, before beginning to run from the animal. The ram chases Reeve all the way into the shack, and Spam hits a double clothesline on both Kruz and Roydz. He goes for a double cover... and slaps his hand to the ground...]

Spam: 1...2...3. ...

*WAM!*

[Spam is hit by a chair...]

Spam: Damn... ughhh.

[... and falls onto his face. Reeve drops the chair and goes for the cover, and gets a quick one, two, three. He then starts celebrating, as if he's already won the damn thing... "I Want Candy", by MC PeePants, plays, and JJ Mynuz blazes through the shack door, running down to the ring, rolling through the middle rope, and is about to leap onto Reeve, when Steve Roydz grabs him out of the air... and locks on his finisher, the HeadLock, which is a... uh... headlock. ...]

[Mynuz falls to the ground immediately from the hold's masterful lock (yeah, yeah, I know...) as Mynuz flexes his right arm. Reeve signals for the bell. ... Which there is none, but if there WAS, it would be ringing, as JJ is done for. JJ gasps on the canvas, grasping ahold of the bottom rope with his sweaty palm. Roydz continues to pummel JJ with boot after boot, as Reeve has to pull him off for him to focus on his next opponent. ... WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! Wasn't Steve just eliminated by Spam?!]

Reeve: Uhhh... FATHER TIME! Get your old, wrinkled up ass out here, so I can kick it!

[Yeah, right, so YOU can kick it... I guess you're just gonna have Steve kick the shit out of him and then pin him yourself?]

Reeve: ... FATHER TIME!

["Old School", by Tupac Shakur, hits, and out comes... wait a minute... THAT'S JACK! Dammit, and I thought Reeve was bad enough, now I have to start promo'ing for THIS clown again...]

[Jack strolls down to the ring, and clumsily gets in through the top and middle ropes. Jack steps right up to Steve Roydz, and even though I dislike him, I gotta give it to the pudgy guy, he's got heart! ... Oh FUCK, that's the last time I compliment him! Jack just poked Roydz, with one finger, and the big man takes the fall. Hogan / Nash, Fingerpoke of Doom, all over again... Jack goes for the cover, and... ugh, Reeve's hand connects to the ground three times, and he lifts Jack's hand, and I guess this scam of a match is over... Reeve tells Steve to grab the belt, which he does, and he hands it over to its new owner, ChinLocked and Loaded's kingpin champion, Jack Hoff. Oh, brother...]

Reeve: Good job, Hoff! You are now officially the ONLY champion in wrestling that matters!

Hoff: That's DAMN right! So, whatever jackwad wins that little tournament in that "other" company, whether it be Tex BatMan, Duff Beere d'EEdiot, Victoria Laminated, or even Eddie MonPO... well, I just want 'em tah know that that crusty old belt they'll be luggin' around won't mean JACK, cuz baby! I got me the REAL DEAL, right'chere!

[Jack slings the belt around his waist. And the only thing that's really different between this and a regular, everday, ordinary belt that any, average person would wear, is that it has a damn ham sandwich taped to the thing. Idiotic...]

Reeve: HEY! I paid good money... for that duct tape. The ham sandwich wasn't cheap either... atleast for me...

Hoff: No problem, man, the Writer's just JEALOUS! There ain't no way in a million years he could take this belt from me!

[Oh? Well, I'd watch out Jack, because now that you're champion? You could have it taken from you anywhere, by anyone, at anytime. Just... like... THAT. ... Hey, there's JJ Mynuz with a steel pipe!!!]

Hoff: (turns around) WHERE?!

[Hahah! Sucker.]

Hoff: You son-of-a-bitch!

Reeve: Steve. (Steve Roydz looks over at his boss) Keep an eye on that JJ Mynuz guy... he tried to attack ME earlier, you never know what that rapper son-of-a-bitch might try. Make sure he doesn't take the Hoff's belt!

Steve: GRRR!

Reeve: Run Hoff... Ruuun!!!

[Jack waddles as fast as he can to get out of the ring, and through the shack, all the way to his pick-up truck parked out in the front. Jack speeds off quickly... as Reeve and Steve look on...]

- the -

-------------------------------------------------------------

BREAKING NEWZ:

Reeve Gordon died on the way back to his home planet.

Chairman Mac Bry has taken over the reigns, and has reformed the company as 'Xtremely Crappy Wrestling'. He has issued this press statement -

"XcW will now take on ChinLocked and Loaded as its franchise program, dropping the 24/7 rule in favor of a relaxed schedule. In other words, CL&L will be a 'whatever-weekly' program... meaning it will pop-up whatever week I feel like it. It will contain full match cards, hosted in the 'XcW Hell Hole', an arena based out of my hometown here in Nowhere, Oklahoma. All current titles, roster members, and angles will continue... for the time being."

More newz as it develops...

- MB.net

-------------------------------------------------------------

BREAKING NEWZ!
----------------------

In a huge move, Chairman MB has sold XcW to Wes Rivers, former owner of NWA:TNA-RoH-CzW:North-Southern Division. Expect big things to occur. President Rivers' first move was to establish random drug testing for all Super-Dee-Duper Stars. After failing a drug test, raYne has been released. It seems as though he was tested positive for the drug "Love". Yes, "Love" is the drug that I'm thinking of. ... Yeah, I know, too many 80's songs... SO, with raYne gone, Chairman MB decided to hire another dead-beat to replace him... and ended up with some old geezer named "Nostradamus", or 'The Big No' as he's referred to. He may be old, but he's damn tall... but he's also VERY old. He and Father Time have announced the formation of a new tag team; The old World order. Things will never be the same again... unless they are.

More newz as it develops...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BREAKING NEWZ:

President Rivers has announced the card for the very first episode of 'ChinLocked and Loaded'. It is as follows ;

+ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ +

Steve Roydz vs JJ Mynuz vs El Taco - World Sports Entertainment Title - Chair Match [the belt is hung high enough so that the only way to grab it is by standing on a chair. or... maybe something as high as a chair. seriously, you could probably just jump up and get it. ...]

The old World order vs D-Jobberation Z vs the EskiBroz vs Salt & Pepper - Four-Play Tag Team Titles - Match of 10,000 Cats [cats surround the ring. they may be used as weapons. the first team to score a pinfall wins.]

Mr. USA vs Yamaha Suzuki - Confederate States Title - Kung-Fu Fightin' Match [only kung-fu moves may be used. and oriental cuisine. expect many noodles...]

Spam vs Tony Spaghetti vs Kidd Kanada vs Kruzifix vs Jack Hoff - hWo 24/7 Title - Fearsome Five-way, Free-for-all, Pure Smell Match [match begins at start of show, outside the arena, ends in the center of the ring, with the first pinfall taking the title.]

+ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ +

More newz as it develops...

- MB.net

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BREAKING NEWZ:

The first "ChinLocked and Loaded" card has been changed. It is as follows ...

+ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ +

Kruzifix vs The King and Double-Oh Zero - 2-on-1 Handicap Squash

El Taco vs Yamaha Suzuki vs Kidd Kanada vs Mr. USA - Discrimination Chamber Match for Confederate States Title

John Semen vs Steve Roydz - Chair Match for the SuperMan Title

Salt and Pepper vs Team 2D - Tacos, Koopas, and Snails Match for SmackRaw? Tag Titles

Chef Death and The Big No vs The Arbyz Boyz - Tag Team Mutilation Chamber Match for the Four-Play Tag Titles

Father Time vs Evil Glacier - World Sports Entertainment Heavyweight Title, Career Threatening Match {if Father Time loses, then his days as a part time security guard are kaput!}]

+ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ +

More newz as it develops...

- MB.net

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Quick Results Have Been Posted on MB.net for the very FIRST ChinLocked and Loaded ...

+ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ +

- The event kicked off with a ten bell salute for the death of all sanity in the realm of professional wrestling...

- An evil leprechaun came out from under the ring and stole the bell, before running through a door painted onto the side of a wall. He somehow ended up 'In Da Hood', where he met up with Ice Cube, and sipped on some gin and juice.

- Meanwhile, Beast Felix, the 'Transexual Glamazon' of XcW, defeated both Titties McAss and Assy McTits, via her dreaded 'Actually Possesing an Iota of Talent' maneuvre. She is now both the Hermie AND Tranny World's Champion. Because THAT'S... how he/she rolls.

--------------------------

Kruzifix vs The King and Double-Oh Zero - 2-on-1 Handicap Squash :

- Kruzifix enters to the gothly sounds of "Requiem of a Diet Coke", as candles burn. But... he doesn't show up. With 000 and King already in the ring, Kruz is counted out, and they are given the win...

- We head backstage, where we find that SOMEONE has layed out Kruz... with a black bat lying close by...

--------------------------

- After an ad for "In-a-Jiffy" Jackin' Hoff Lube, President Hoff comes out with a microphone, with a concerned look on his face. He tells the audience that he was very worried, backstage, watching as Kruz was loaded into an ambulance. He vows to catch whoever did it, and make them pay through the nose, teeth, mouth, ears, eyes, belly button, bunghole, and every other orifice imagineable! Yes, when Prez Hoff meets the perpetrator, he will tell them ; "YOOOUUURE HIRRRED! ... And then?! YOOOUUURE FFFIIIRRREEEDDD!!! Douchebag."

- The lights cut out.

- When they return, Hoff is still in the ring... but in his hand, instead of a microphone, is a black bat. He looks down, and suddenly realizes the switch, before dropping the bat to the mat in shock. Jack climbs out of the ring and storms to the back...

- Backstage, Mr. USA is interviewed. In between a bunch of anti-Canada, Mexico, and Japan statements, and a thousand 'DUDE's and 'BROTHER's, Mr. USA tells the world he's coming for that Confederate States title... and he won't stop till every Jap, Spic, and Canuck are layed to waste! He then yells "U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!" and the fans yell "Shut the hell up, shut the hell up!", and then he yells "HOOO!", and then they yell "WE SAID SHUT UP!", and then... well, he shuts up. ...

--------------------------

El Taco vs Yamaha Suzuki vs Kidd Kanada vs Mr. USA - Discrimination Chamber Match for Confederate States Title

- Mr. USA climbs into the cage, but as he does, the screen shows that Taco, Suzuki, and Kanada have been layed out through tables in the back. Mr. USA is a bit upset about not being able to tear up some foreign scum, but he soon gets over it, when he hears a "Star-Spangled Banner" ringtone on a fan's cell phone... and begins singing the national anthem.

- As Mr. USA reaches Roseanne Barr proportions, we head backstage, where EMT's are checking on the three prone men. Jack Hoff shows up, and asks a few EMTs if any of them caught a glimpse of who commited the attack... but all queries come up with the exact same response. "Hell no, now get away from me ya stinky old man, you!" Maybe not... EXACTLY the same, but you get the point.

- An ad runs... with the message "black.2.1.20" in red on a black screen...

--------------------------

- "THIS... is XXXTREEEMELY CRAPPY!!!"

- A video montage displays of some of the many 'Xtremely Crappy' stars of XcW... all the way from the "Homicidal, Genodical, Suicidal Search Engine", Yahoo! ... to "Mr. Movie Night", DVD [doug vern damn] ... to the new guys, like Big Daddy C [the big fat black man in the orange suspenders. Big Daddy C : The C's for CITRUS!] ... to RX Punk [the man who's not addicted to ANYTHING... except for prescription drugs] ... and of course, the one, the only...

- MILKMAN!!!

- As the ugly mug of the MilkMan appears, he comes through the audience, carrying his trusty pogo stick. The MilkMan bounces on it, into the ring, and calls out anyone... ANYone! And out comes...

- "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, it's the Big Nooo! It's an old, old man tonight, dog! Yeah. He's the Big Nooo... that stands for 'Nostradamus' just in case ya didn't know, yeah... Well, get ready fah somethin', that's wrinkled and grey. He's ah-comin'... He'll be here anyday, YES IT'S THE BIG NO!"

- And he walks... and walks... and walks some more. Finally, he gives up, and hits his move, the No-Stopper, without even stepping into the ring. The No-Stopper being when Nostradamus has a heart attack and collapses. ...

- The MilkMan has been disqualified, for use of illegal heart-attack... provoking. ... Your winner, the Big No!

- ...

--------------------------

John Semen vs Steve Roydz - Chair Match for the SuperMan Title

- Bathroom Break. Nah, just kiddin'. Steve Roydz locks on the HeadLock, makes Semen pass out, before climbing the chair... and causing it to collapse instantly. Steve is left without a chair, and seeing as how he's as immobile as fuck... he says "aw the hell with it", and decides to leave the ring. ...

- Backstage, we find the MilkMan as the next victim to the unknown assailent. There is a broken bottle of milk, with the white stuff spilled everywhere.... along with a black baseball bat not too far away.

- Semen FINALLY wakes up back in the ring, and tries to jump up and grab the title... but someone lifts the belt higher... and when he falls back to the ground, the person lowers the belt... Semen jumps, and the belt rises... he falls, and the belt lowers. He jumps, belt rises... he falls, belt lowers. Jumps, rises... falls, lowers. Jump rise. Fall low. Jise flow. Jilow. J'Lo! ...

- JELL-O!

- And then the belt falls. And so does a man in a blue suit and cape. Right into the middle of the ring.

- TH BLUE BLAZER SCREWED SEMEN!!!~!1

--------------------------

Salt and Pepper vs Team 2D - Tacos, Koopas, and Snails Match for SmackRaw? Tag Titles

- "Pump up the Jam", by Salt and Pepper hits on the system, and Salt and Pepper, Chef Death's lackies, walk out, as the ring announcer, Rat-Bore, introduces them.

- Rat-Bore: Ehhh, here you is, Salt, deeeh, Pep-hair, they are to being the lackies of the Chef of much Death and stuffs, SALT N' PEPPER-SHAKER!

- SnP step into the ring and grab a microphone.

Salt: Duuude, this totally reeks of reekle matter!
Pepper: Awesomely awesome awesomeness, my dear Salt-eroonie!
Salt: Indeed there, Pepper-meister, it's time for the S to the A to the L to the T and the one and only Pepper -
Pepper: Thaaat's ME!
Salt: To take the awesomely awesome-nosity of our reekocitude-filled stench to the masses, and bring Brothers Mario and Luigi... what kind of name is Team 2D anyway, "Brother" Pepper?
Pepper: Hell if I know, it sounds like some sort of tag team based on two popular video game siblings first appearing in a side-scrolling platformer in the 1980's!
Salt: ...

- Team 2D promptly kicked the holy living hell out of Salt and Pepper, finishing them off with a koopa shell to both of their nutsacks. Two 3 counts later, and XcW has its first champions... TAG champions!

--------------------------

- Jack Hoff announces that from now on, there will only be one pair of tag titles, the Four-Play titles. Team 2D promptly quit the company, because, quote, "Homie Don't Play That. Now lemme go save the princess, catch me some dat 'tang!"

--------------------------

Chef Death and The Big No vs The Arbyz Boyz - Tag Team Mutilation Chamber Match for the Four-Play Tag Titles

- With The Big No having had a heart-attack earlier on, C.D. is desperate for a partner, prior to the match he'd asked Stupid Crazy, the Dumb-Shit Luchadore, but Crazy decided he'd rather jump off a tall building than team with Death.

- Stupid Crazy jumped off a tall building.

- Chef Death then asked Chris Genericho if he'd want to team up for the belts, but everything Genericho said was in secret code. Death finally said 'the fuck with it', and deleted Y2G from his favorites...

- Finally, as Death came to the ring, with the Arbyz, the fattest men in the fed not named 'Hoff', already in the ring, a gong sounded... and out came...

- KRUZIFIX?!

Good ol' Slobbert Knockovich: BAH GAWD! THROUGH HALL-FAHR AND GALLSTONES, THE TOUGHEST BIG RED S.O.B. MACHINE HAS COME BACK, AND BAH GAWD, HE'S GONNA STOMP A MANHOLE N' WALK IN IT!

Joey Mild: ... But wait. Wasn't Kruzifix knocked out in the first segment? How could he possibly recover THAT quickly, after such a brutal attack?

Good ol' Slobbert Knockovich: Cuz' he's the best there is, was, ever will be, gonna be, coulda been, shoulda been, and ever HAS-BEEN! Bitch.

Joey Mild: ...

- Death and Kruz bash the Arbyz from pillar to post, repeatedly slamming both brothers faces into the steel mesh... before Kruz suddenly turns around and chokeslams Chef Death right out of his cooking apron!

Good ol' Slobbert Knockovich: OH DEAR LORD! AS GOD ABOVE AS MY WITNESS, I SWEAR TO YOU THAT APRON IS BROKEN IN HALF!!!

Joey Mild: ... But it's not.

Good ol' Slobbert Knockovich: I SWEAR TO YOU THAT APRON IS NOT BROKEN IN HALF!!!

Joey Mild: That's the ticket...

- Kruz stands over the twitching body of Chef Death... and as the Arbyz approach so one of them may make the pin, Kruz turns his attention to Big Boy and Fat-Stuff... and chokeslams them both at the SAME time!

Joey Mild: Oh... my... God.

Good ol' ... aw, you know who he is: I SWEAR TO YA FOLKS, THOSE CHOKESLAMS ARE NOT MADE OUT AH CHOCOLATE!!!~!1

Joey Mild: ... What?

- Kruzifix rolls under the bottom rope and up the rampway, as the fans boo their head off, with not a single title being able to be decided yet... Well, unless you count the Tranny and Hermie titles.

- You don't.

--------------------------

- President Hoff is in his office, pacing back and forth, worrying frantically about the attacks... when he catches Kruzifix on the monitor. Jack begins to fume, and heads to the ring...

- When Jack makes his way through the curtains, the fans erupt with cheering, letting him know they're with him. Jack heads for the commentary desk, with Mild and Knockovich, to call the main event.

--------------------------

Father Time vs Evil Glacier - World Sports Entertainment Heavyweight Title, Career Threatening Match

- Father Time is already in the ring...

- Glass Shatters.

- "Frozen" by Madonna hits.

- The crowd erupts once more, as the "Frozen Rattler", the "Bionic Popsicle", the "Six Million Dollar Ice Cube", Evil Glacier, walks through the curtains to a sea of cheers... He wears a black vest, dark blue jeans, and black tennis shoes. As he steps into the ring, he climbs up a post and signals for the timekeeper to toss him something... it's a water bottle! Evil Glacier downs the bottled water, and tosses the empty container into a nearby recycle bin, cuz that's what good little boys do. Evil Glacier lifts two thumbs up into the air, as the cheers soak in... E.G. then catches a glimpse of Jack Hoff, who stares at him... as if he is a part of some sort of... bigger picture.

- Evil Glacier stomps mudholes, mudpies, mudflaps, and every other sort of mud related thing you can think of. He then walks every last one of them dry, and then some. Evil Glace finishes off by opening a can of whooping some of that ass, with a simply yoooge 'Ice Cold Freezer', which sends Father Time through the air, and over the top rope, to the outside. Evil Glace heads over to the side where Time was sent... but just as he does -

*THWACK!*

- ... Evil Glace is smashed in the face with a chair... at the hands of Jack Hoff?!?! Hoff reaches to his face... and pulls off a mask... revealing...

- KRUZIFIX! But wait... if THIS is Kruz, that must mean...

- The big screen comes on, showing that Jack Hoff has been locked up in a broom closet, as he pounds away at the door... In the ring, Kruz chuckles demonically... before ripping off his mask! Revealing -

- Brother Love!!!

- Brother Love tells Hoff that he's used the mind, body, and spirit of Kruzifix to show the members of XcW the "error of their ways".

Brother Love: The Truth is, none of your XcW members loooove eachother enough, brother Hoff! So I've had to shoooow them love... TOUGH love. Brother Kruzifix is the TRUE Savior of wrestling, and as long as he's around -

- Suddenly, a giant meteor lands on Kruzifix, killing him instantly.

Brother Love: ... Well ain't that a bitch. ... I LOOOVE YOUUU!!!

- After Brother Love parted, Hoff managed to escape the closet by building a bulldozer out of an empty bucket, a couple of plungers, and a mop. He then drove the bulldozer to the ring, rolled into the ring, and said that he got a call. It was from -

- THE BANKER!!!~!1

- He could have a penny, a screw, AND a toenail clipping, all for the low, low cost of his entire company.

- Deal... or No Deal?

- Hoff looked out at the fans... the ten or so that had wandered into the arena, possibly high or drunk... he looked at the poor, dumb commentary team, the cameramen, the techies, and rest of the staff that needed this job to support their families... and he looked at Little Timmy, with the wooden leg.

- He knew what he must do.

- "Deal!" Hoff shouted, taking the penny, screw, and toenail in his hands as if they were gifts from the Lord above.

- And then he ate them... one, by one, by one.

- They say miracles can't happen. But baby...

- I Believe.

- the end

+ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ +

XcW has been sold to Billy-Bob "Banker" Banks Smith. He has fired all XcW roster and staff members, and turned the company into an adult escort service.

XcW -

Xxx Casual Women : Because a relationship just isn't meaningful unless it only lasts one night, is devoid of true emotion, and costs an arm and a leg.

See our ad in the yellow pages.

- The Banker

=====================================================================
WSE - World Sports Entertainment - 24/7. Whether you like it, or not.
=====================================================================

==========================
Foreward to Foreward to Foreward:
==========================

Well, I was searching through my files yesterday, after I got through saving some pages from Geocities... and I stumbled upon the first version of World Sports Entertainment. It used the same 24/7 method I'm planning on implementing into the current WSE. This WSE material you're about to read was written back in 2007, when I was also writing a column for a forum dedicated to the game WWF No Mercy. The column, Chinlocked and Loaded, can now be found in one of the stickies here on the sub-forum.

I'm hoping that this old work will fuel my motivation to begin anew with the 2009 model of WSE... I'll be trying my best to make this work. I just hope some of you stick with me as I try something new, and maybe it will generate new interest in this project. Any feedback will be, as always, appreciated, but I'm no longer craving it. Or atleast, I'm going to try and make sure that it's not the reason I'm doing this. As I said 2 years ago in the following "Foreward to Foreward", I want to do this simply because I ENJOY doing it. When I stop loving to write... I stop writing. Simple as.

=================
Foreward to Foreward:
=================

For some reason, the original version of this thread was deleted. To make it clear, I am doing this because I enjoy it. And in fact, not only do I enjoy it, but I know for a fact now that others enjoy it, as Meteora himself has stated to me that he found the original, John Semen, segment entertaining. So whether other people care for it or not, I couldn't really give a damn. To any of those who have nothing more to say than "Too long" or "Didn't read", well, to put it quite simply...

Fuck off.

Thanks.

p.s. - Seeing as how ALL posts related to WSE will be kept to this one thread, I really don't see how this could bother anyone. If it's really that bothersome, then instead of completely deleting this, post the reason for it being so annoying, put it in the trash bin, and I'll handle it from there. Thanks.

p.s.s. - Just in case you're wondering, the reason this post is so long is because it's a combination of all three posts I've done so far. The first two, as well as the third one I was about to post when I found the original thread to be deleted. And now... WSE: 24/7...

=======
Foreward:
=======

When I first thought of doing a weekly column, I thought of doing a parody of online wrestling reviews. But soon, I thought that, as I've said, I want to do something I'll have fun with. Something I'll enjoy doing. And something I've always wanted to do. And so, I finally came upon the idea that I would create a sort of 'e-fed' that would hold events any hour of the day, any day of the week, sometimes seemingly, as in the federation's motto, "24/7". I know alot of you, perhaps half of you or more, won't really care much for this idea, but I also know there will be some of you that will enjoy it. And I know for a fact that I will. In the end, that's all that really matters.

There will be, at start, 32 members on the roster. And there will be 25 titles. Think of it as giving everyone a chance at a belt. Hey, ECW has one title. So this way, there's more to shoot for. The company is owned by Chairman, Reeve Gordon, and his security force known as "The Industry": Gates, Niles, and Jennings. The commentary booth is watched over by Good Ol' BJ, Ben Joss, and his partner, Joey Mild. And as for the roster, it is comprised of such wrestling greats as John Semen... the UndeadBaker... RX Punk... and Mr USA, with wife Karen USA.

So, I present to you WSE, in this one thread, which will constantly be updated as occurences... occur. As titles change hands, epic battles are had, and alliances are formed.

"World Sports Entertainment - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... whether you like it or not."

===============================================

- Jockstrap, New Jersey -

- Corner of Rod Street and Balls Avenue -

- Hotdog stand outside Dick Johnson's Penis Emporium -

Hotdog Vendor: Git'cha hot dogs hee-yah! Hot dogs, big, long, fat, THICK hotdogs! Stuck in a bun and ready to shove into that hole ah yours! May or may not include penis...

[Suddenly, "Drop it like it's Mildly Warm", by 10 Cent hits on the hot dog cart's portable stereo. Into the scene steps a white man in a baby blue basketball jersey, with the number '69' plasterd across, along with a neck dangling with assorted chains and various other 'bling-bling'. He wears a pair of baggy shorts, hanging loosely, showing off his 'Superman' boxers. His shoes are a pair of Wal-Mart brand sneakers. His hair is spiked, surrounded by a visor, flipped upside down and turned around. Each of his fingers is slipped through a ring, with a letter carved into them, spelling out "S.P.E.R.M. L.Y.F.E.". The man saunters toward the vendor, with a swagger in his step, as he throws up a few "gang signs", or atleast, what can only be presumed to be gang signs, as they hardly resemble anything in particular.]

John Semen: YO, YO, YO, YO, YO, YO, YO, YO... yo. Boyeee, wassap, wassap, wassap in the HIZ-ouse?!

Vendor: Er... huh? ... Ya wanna hotdog, mack?

John Semen: Dawg, you can take that hotdog, shine it up real nice, turn that sucka sideways, and stick it, straight up, ya roody poo, candy, jabroni, baloney IZ-AZZ!!! And dat there's fah real, yo!

Vendor: That couldn't possibly be comfortable... Of course, I've always had this dream in the back of my mind...

John Semen: WHAT!

Vendor: I've always dreamed of taking a hotdog...

John Semen: WHAT!

Vendor: Putting on a little ketchup...

John Semen: WHAT!

Vendor: Some mustard...

John Semen: WHAT!

Vendor: A little bit ah relish...

John Semen: WHAT!

Vendor: And shoving it up my ass. Nice and tight.

John Semen: ... What? ... Damn, yo... that's some sick shit right durr. Yallz a sicko, knaw mean? You might wanna talk to a shrink ah sumpin'...

Vendor: YOU KNOW WHAT'S SICK?! It's people like you, that come into a nice, god fearin' city like this hee-yah city ah Jockstrap, capice? And ya talk down tah people whooz all they wanna do is stick hotdogs up they-ah asses. Damn you! DAMN... YOU... STRAIGHT... TO... HELL!!!

John Semen: G... homie... PLAYA'. You wanna run yo' mouth... you wanna run yo' mouth 'bout how the Semen is "talking down" to yallz. Well dawg... it's time. It's time. It's time, that the Semen, layeths the spermeth downeth on-eth yo' ass-eth! It's time the Semen stomps a cum-hole in yo' azz and walks that damn thang DRY! I've walked through valleys, climbed mountains, swam through oceans, and made small children scream my name! But, uh... not in the 'Michael Jackson touches little kids' kinda way, yo. The way that only the Semen can! ... And uh, not THAT semen, yo. THE Semen. JOHN Semen. Cuz dammit man, the JIZZ... is... HERE!!! Now give me a hell yeah!

Vendor: HELL-

[Suddenly, Semen hits his move, the Fuck You, through the hot dog cart, sending ketchup, mustard, relish, hot dog buns, and what may or may not be a bunch of dicks. The Vendor is covered in condiments, bread, and tasty penis goodies, as John Semen brushes off his shoulder, and takes off. A drunkard walks by... unzips... and begins pissing all over the destroyed Vendor... as the camera fades to black.]

- cut -

===============================================

"u tink u cun tall uz wutt 2 doo/"

[The screen is black... except for a hot pink 'X']

"u thank u kin till uss woot 2... uhh... doo??? c"

[For a split second, the 'x' is replaced by the word 'job'. ... Before the camera opens to the Pubic Hair Silver Dome, in Ba-donk-a-donk, New Jersey. A stage is set up in front of a giant screen, and atop the stage stand two men, with their backs turned to the camera. One speaks into a microphone...]

"den u bittr git rudy................ 2 boww 2 d misterz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~1 cc"

[The other man speaks into his microphone.]

"BRICK ITT DAWN_222!!!!1"

[The men suddenly turn around, and reveal themselves. One has a pair of pants on, covered in compact mirrors used for applying make-up, along with broken pieces of other mirrors, and a slightly big mirror on his crotch area, almost the size of a head. He has exactly two, long, strands of hair, which are both tied together in a 'ponytail', trying to complete the impossible mission of making it appear as though the guy has enough hair to even warrant a ponytail. And around his neck is an oversized cross with the letters "WWHBKD". The man standing next to him is wearing a pair of black wrestling trunks, with a picture of the face of Elvis "The King" Presley on the front. A warning sticker is placed over his thigh, reading "Fragile. Handle with Care." His nose... perhaps the largest honker in the game. It's why he has earned the name "The Cerebrel Shnozzolla". He pours a bottle of dirty tap water all over his long, brown, greasy hair, before pouring some in his mouth, and immediately spitting it back up, wiping his tounge with his hand to get the taste out. Both men wear a black shirt, with the words "D-Jobberation X" on the front, and the words "We Got Four Words For Ya: Pin Us... Pay Us."]

Triple X: lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll... ladeez n gintull min!!!! d-jobberashun x prowdlee brungs 2 u trippel x n xbk ..... da nexx WSe tahgg teem champinz o da wurrrrrllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!! n iv u nawt don wit dat wee gottz to wurdzz 4 yuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-

XBK: FUCK UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!@

Triple X: ........... noo... datz nawt d rite 1../ letttz tri 1 moor tym..... wee gawt toow whoredz fore yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

XBK: lol. i fukkd upp.... ok wayt a sek. ............... SUK MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~$ ?

Triple X: .................... close enuff

[Triple X and XBK walk down to the ring, as the dozens and dozens of fans in attendance go to get food and drinks [doesn't this arena hold, like, 100,000 people? Jeez, there's only like 20 or so here... Maybe I shouldn't be blurting that out...] D-JX climb into the ring and take to the posts, holding their arms up in the 'X' sign, before tossing their shirts into the crowd... or atleast where the crowd WOULD be... Ring announcer, Max Jackson begins the introductions...]

Max: Llllladies, and gentlemen. The following contest is scheduled for ONE fall, and is for the SmackRaw? Tag Titles. Introducing first, at a combined weight of Who Really Give's a Rat's Ass, they hail from the beautiful state of Alabama. ... Beautiful? ... Ok... anyway... Triple X... XBK. Together, they are... D... Joberration... Xxx!!! AND... their opponents. Hailing from Dingdong, West Wisconsin... they are the former ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWWF UnderWeight Tag Team Champions, and former members of DeathROH, they are... Brian "Buckwheat" Kendrickson and Paul "Froggy" Londonricks... The Lil' Raskalz!!!

[The theme from 'The Little Rascals' plays on the PA, as the audience [what little there is] actually come alive, if for nothing else, the fact that a couple of guys called 'Buckwheat' and 'Froggy' HAVE to be more entertaining than the pair of jobbers in the ring. The entrance curtains part, and two men begin running out and down the rampway, both in knee-length shorts, a vest, and a face mask... one man, with white skin, wearing a lime green variant of the attire, along with a head of lime green, stringy hair... the other man, with black skin, wearing a jet black variant of the attire, his hair sticking up as if he's been electrocuted.]

['The Lil' Raskalz' slide into the ring, the ref immediately signals for the bell, and Triple X and XBK are pounded into the ground by the exciting, agile, young tag team. 'Buckwheat' pulls XBK up by his hair, what little there is, before whipping him into the ropes. When XBK returns, 'Buckwheat' leaps into the air, and snaps off a quick hurricanrana, sending XBK flying to the outside ring area. 'Froggy' hits a DropSault to Triple X's chest, sending him to the outside, to join his partner. In the ring, both members of 'The Lil' Raskalz' spring off the opposite set of ropes, before heading full speed toward the ropes by D-JX... and the 'Raskalz' flip over the top rope, simultaneously, before crashing right into Triple X and XBK, leaving all four men in a heap.]

['Buckwheat' is the first to his feet. He drags XBK, by the arm, over to the post. After lining up XBK's body just right, with his head next to the post, 'Buckwheat' heads to the apron... before charging forth, flipping in the air backwards, and nailing a PERFECT shooting star press, knocking the air clean out of XBK. 'Froggy' heads up to the apron, and then the top of the post, before lifting a forefinger to the heavens... he points at XBK's carcass, before flying into the air... and bringing himself down upon XBK with his patented 720 FrogSplash on the outside.]

[Meanwhile, 'Buckwheat' rolls Triple X into the ring, and as Triple X gets to his feet, he turns around, and before he can even tell what's going on, 'Buckwheat' launches himself toward 'The Cerebral Shnozzola'... but somehow, perhaps using the ring technique of his massive trunk, Triple X catches 'BW'. Triple X backs up a couple of steps, positioning himself in the center of the ring, before looking out at the audience, who boo loud enough for X to hear them... Suddenly, they begin cheering, as they see who's headed for Triple X... Trips himself looks up, and finds 'Froggy' leaping toward Triple X with a flying senton, and as 'Froggy's' back collides with that of his friend and tag partner, the two run into Triple X, and the weight of both men brings Triple X toppling to the mat, 'Buckwheat' still on top. 'Froggy' calls for the ref to make the count...]

1...

2...

3!!!

Max Jackson: Your WINNERS... and first EVER WSE SmackRaw? Tag Team Champions of the World... Brian 'Buckwheat' Kendrickson and Paul 'Froggy' Londonricks... the Lil' Raskalz!!!

[Paul and Brian are handed the titles, as they kneel on the canvas, holding the belts tightly to their chests. Triple X has rolled to the outside, where he and XBK are nursing their wounds, and weeping about their loss...]

[... the first of many.]

- cut -

===============================================

[As soon as D-Jobberation X limp backstage, and 'Buckwheat' and 'Froggy' are on the ramp, Chairman Reeve Gordon appears on the SportsEntertainmentTron [SE-Tron], with an evil grin.]

Reeve: Gentlemen. I see you are holding those newly won SmackRaw? tag titles in your grubby little hands. Well, I wouldn't cozy up to them JUST yet... you see, I've just placed you in a match, against THE greatest champion of all time... a former Olympic Patty Cake Gold Medalist! He IS America! He IS Sports Entertainment. He is... Mr... U... S... A!!!

[Paul and Brian look at the screen rejectedly, before turning around and heading to the ring, and as they make their way inside, they both look at their titles... before handing them over to the ref. They look back at the entrance, and find Reeve still on the SE-Tron.]

Reeve: The good news? You'll be facing him, one on two, handicap style. The bad news? Not only is it for the straps, but if you lose? Well...

Reeve: YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOU'RE... SSSSSSSSSUSPENDED INDEFINITELYYY!!! Now hit the damn music!

["Red, White, and Blue" by Lynyrd Skynyrd plays on the PA, as a man steps out through the curtains, dressed in the colors of the country he represents so proudly. His tank top is blue, with a single white star in the midde... his tights, striped with red and white... his hands are fit in a pair of red gloves, his feet, shoved into a pair of white boots, and his face, covered by a blue mask, cut off beneath the nose, and painted over by another single white star. His head is entirely bald, and around his neck is the gold medal he received for Olympic Style Patty-Cake [Best of 5 rules, using the Skandanavian play book]. Mr. USA stands on the ramp... looks down at the stage... before throwing his head back, and his fists in the air, as fireworks go off all around, as though it's the 4th of July. Or, if you're not in the United States, uh... well, if you're Chinese, there's the Chinese New Year. I guess noone else has fireworks. Must suck to be everyone besides the U.S. ... and China. ...]

[Mr. USA saunters casually down the aisle, as Paul and Brian take in a simultaneous gulp. It's obvious now that they're dead meat.]

Paul: But, hey... atleast we've got eachother. Right, Brian? ... Brian?

['Froggy' turns to his left... his right... before turning around, and sees 'Buckwheat' running through the bleachers, and toward the exit, leaving 'Froggy' all by his lonesome. Paul looks back toward the entrance... just in time to receive a fist to the jaw from USA. Paul shoots into the air and crashes to the canvas, actually performing a shooting star press in mid-air. Now THAT'S selling! Er... anyway, Mr. USA grabs the microphone from Max.]

USA: After seeing "The Shame", Triple X, stink up the ring, along with his butt buddy, I've had a little idea for our match. Let's make this a 'Husband and Wife' BEATDOWN!!! As Trips himself might say if he were genetically spliced with Kurt Angle & Chris Benoit... It's time to Job to the Olympic Gold Medalissssstttttt!!! AND his wife! And THAT'S 4Real! DAMN 4Real!

[Mr. USA's wife, Karen USA, walks down to the ring, steps in, and with Paul still KO'ed from that one punch from the Pro Patty Cake-er, Karen pins Paul Londonricks... getting the

1...

2...

Good ol' Ben Joss: KICKOUT! KICKOUT! BUCKWHEAT JUST KICKED OUT!!!!!

Joey Mild: OH MY GOD!!!

Good ol' Ben Joss: BAH GAWD... oh, no he didn't. Sorry 'bout that. Karen pinned the now former champion, and now, her husband holds both SmackRaw? tag titles.

Joey Mild: OH MY GOD!!! I just found a quarter!!!

[Karen hugs Mr. USA, before the ref hands the 'American Hero' his new titles. One man. Two titles. Two TAG titles. Won through his wife pinning one half of the former champs, while the other half is probably somewhere in Kalamazoo by now...]

- Meanwhile, in Kalamazoo -

Brian 'Buckwheat' Kendrickson: It's called a STRIP CLUB. Got a problem with that? Jeez...

- cut -

===============================================

- The Eternal Hellish Pit of Vile Deep Cold Sinister Evil Which Consumes All Light Transforming All That Is Good Into Nothing But Darkness and Despair, Ohio -

- Wednesday, October 24th, 2007 -

- 2:22 pm -

...

[The camera opens upon the outside of a shop. Above the door there hangs a sign, in blood red letters...]

"The Bakery of Darkness"

[What horrible, terrible, deathly things may hold their prescence behind the entrance door? What gruesome, grisly, creepy-]

Hotdog Vendor: GIT-cha hotdogs hee-yah! Nice, thick, FAT hot dogs, long as a penis! May or may not contain penis.

[And there appears to be a hotdog vendor outside the bakery. The exact same vendor from Jockstrap, New Jersey, who was pulverized through his cart, is shilling his weiners here in Ohio. Say, vendor, what exactly makes your hotdogs so special that you'd sell them all the way from here to New Jersey?]

Vendor: Well, first, I take a nice, fat pig. Then, I chop its dick off. Then-

[Ooo-kay, time for us to head inside the bakery.]

...

"Ahna naka... dough-cley, strudel redemptay. The bread may rise... and as the bread rises, so does..."

[We open to the inside of the Bakery of Darkness... where behind his counter, there stands...]

"The UndeadBaker."

[We find a man, arms covered in tattoos, his hair, long and brown, his mouth surrounded by a grizzly goatee, and his neck, tattooed with the name "Sara-Lee" with a tiny 'trademark' symbol next to it. He wears nothing but black clothing. Black boots with crosses painted on the sides, formed by two loaves of bread... A pair of black leather pants... A couple of black, padded, fingerless gloves... He wears a black chef's hat with purple trim, and a cooking apron; black, with the words stitched across in purple, "Kiss the Korpse". The man stares, coldly, into the camera... before a bell is heard.]

[The man heads off screen, before returning with a three-layer cake, which he places on the counter. The UndeadBaker, as he is known, removes a squeeze-tube of red icing from beneath the counter, and pours onto the chocolate cake... using the icing to spell out three words. He looks into the camera, as he sets down the tube.]

"When you reach into your immortal soul, and secure the flour of the Gods of Baking... you shall know. As the sins of a thousand Donut Demons fester, wither up, and die... you shall know. As the one who shall not be named fills his pie with cherry, apple, and pecan... you... shall... know."

"Ashes to ashes."

"Muffins to muffins."

[The camera slowly zooms into the face of the UndeadBaker, as his eyes roll into the back of his skull... before the camera turns downward, and fades out on the image of the cake's three words, written in blood red icing...]

- rest... in... yeast -

===============================================

Hotdog Vendor: Git-cha weinahs hee-yah! Nice, big ol', fat, long, thick, HARD weinahs. Shove 'em in ya mouth, and let 'em slide right down! God, I love this job.

[We open to Ash Hohll Arena, in downtown New York City, New Mexico. Our hero, the Hotdog Vendor, is seen coming down the aisle, handing out hotdogs to various audience members. If ever there were a man who loved his job, this is that man. Traveling from New Jersey, to Ohio, to New Mexico, the Hotdog Vendor has appeared so many times in the midst of WSE action, that he could be declared an honorary member of the roster.]

[Back down at ringside, "No Pants at All" by Dopey hits on the PA...]

"No Pants, that's what I got. When I head out on my front lawn...
Wearing underpants, cuz my trousers are all gone.
Naked. That's how my lower half feels...
When I walk out in the cool air outside, I always get the chills, because I got-

NO PANTS!!! No pants at all, I've got-
NO PANTS!!! No pants at all."

[The Chairman of the Bored, Reeve Gordon, heads out through the curtains, flanked by his henchmen, the Industry - Gates, Niles, and Jennings. Reeve stands on-stage, in a black suit, red dress shirt, and a black tie, as his long, wavy, white hair flows in the air. He stares down at the ring through his black sunglasses, with red lenses... before he walks forward, his three security guards following behind. As he makes it to the ring, he steps up the staircase, and steps into the ring, through the top and middle ropes, and grabs a microphone. Gates, Niles, and Jennings stand around Reeve... Gates at his right, overlooking the right side of the ring, Niles at his left, overlooking the left side of the ring, and Jennings behind Reeve, overlooking all that is behind his boss. Reeve stares at the crowd... almost looking for someone...]

Reeve: Ladies and gentlemen... I wish to welcome you all, officially, to World Sports Entertainment. WSE has been in operation for almost a week now, but I haven't yet had a chance to properly introduce you to my favorite person in the world... myself. I am... Reeve Gordon. Chairman of WSE, and leader of these three burly men who stand at my sides. I am a multi-billionaire, and former legend in the ring... now, the most successful man outside of it. And tonight... I crown WSE's second champion. With Mr. USA as our SmackRaw? tag champs, I believe we should find our first SINGLES champion. And it is with that, I introduce the two competitors who shall be squaring off to determine the first ever... Extremely Tepid, Non-lethal, Softcore, 24/7 Champion! First, all the way from Punjabi, Indiana... Great, Big, Tall, Indian Guy Who Can't Wrestle That Well... aka; BOB!!!

["Agahfa Wooja Burraloppah" by A Bunch of Guys Who Talk Like They Have Marbles in their Mouth, plays, and a small, brown skinned man, who resembles Vince Russo, comes out through the curtains... followed by a VERY tall, brown-skinned man, with long black hair, a beard, and wearing no shirt, a pair of black, silk pants, and two black boots, curled at the toes. The Great Bob walks, very slowly, to the ring, as the small man, who we'll refer to as Punjabi-Ru, leads his man to the ring. As the two come to the ring, Punjabi-Ru rolls in under the bottom rope, and shakes hands with Reeve. The Great Bob steps over the top rope efortlessly, and as he stands in the ring, he lifts his mighty arms high into the air, bellowing heavily.]

Reeve: Welcome, Great Bob, Punjabi-Ru. Bob... your opponent is a legend, here in WSE. He has traveled up and down the great roads of this country, plying his trade... he is...

[Reeve looks toward the stands, where he sees who he was looking for earlier. ...]

Reeve: THE HOTDOG VENDOR!!!

[HDV drops the weiner he's carrying and looks, terrified, down at the ring. Reeve quickly has Gates, Niles, and Jennings rush up, grab HDV by the arms, and drag him down to the ring. As they toss him inside, each member of the Industry stands at a side of the ring, including Reeve, to insure that the Vendor is not able to make it out of the ring. Reeve, standing on the side closest to the entrance, speaks into his microphone.]

Reeve: Bob... SICK HIM!!!

[Punjabi-Ru rolls out of the ring, standing side by side with Reeve, and removes a chocolate bar from his pocket... a Butterfinger, in fact. The brown-skinned guy who resembles Vince Russo calls for The Great, Big, Tall, Indian Guy Who Can't Wrestle That Well... and when he grabs his attention, Punjabi-Ru snaps the candy bar in half, sending Bob into a rage. Guess he really, really likes candy bars...]

[Bob turns his furious glare to the Vendor, and hooks both of his meaty paws around the smaller man's throat. Bob lashes out wildly, but nothing he can do can even phase the mammoth of a man. Bob tosses the Vendor down like a ragdoll, before walking toward his fallen body... Bob roughly steps onto the Vendor's chest, before stepping across the poor man's abdomen. Once on the other side, Bob rolls the Vendor over on his stomach, and slaps on a hold never before seen in a wrestling ring; The DREADED Ass Claw. Grabbing the Vendor by the ass, The Great Bob shows amazing strength by bringing the Vendor high into the air, and setting him on his feet, still clawing at his ass. The Vendor slowly loses energy, and his arms dangle before him, as his head bows, staring with glazed over eyes at the mat. The Ass Claw saps every bit of strength that HDV has been able to muster... all looks lost for the HotDog Vendor... until...]

*fraaap*

[HDV farts. Yes, farts. Passes gas. Breaks wind. Cuts the cheese. HDV farts on Bob's hand, and the big boy removes his claw, holding it with his other hand, looking at it as if it had been shot at.]

The Great Bob: AAAAAAAAAAAGHAMA!!! DU-FAH, LOOFAH, JOOJOOBEE!!!

[The Vendor takes one of his signature hotdogs out of his pocket, and tosses it at Bob... who catches the hotdog, holding it out in front of him, staring at it as if he doesn't really know what to make of it. Guess they don't have many hotdogs where he's from... HDV suddenly flips high into the air, and hits a roundhouse kick, into the 'dog, sending it smacking Bob in the face, with a move HDV likes to call "The HotDogInator". The Great Bob is sent crashing and burning on the ground, falling from his feet as if a great oak tree from it's roots. HDV looks out at the audience, many of them pointing up, signaling for HDV's greatest manuevre...]

[HDV hops onto the turnbuckle closest to Bob... he takes out two hotdogs, and uses them to point at himself, 3 times, mouthing the letters - H...D...V. Before... he leaps.]

Joey Mild: OH-MY-GODDD!!!

Good ol' BJ: As God as my witness, that chocolate bar was broken in half!!! ... The one that Punjabi-Ru had? Remember? He broke it in half. ... Nevermind...

Joey Mild: OH MY GOD!!! I left the stove on!!!

[HDV hits his patented "5 Star HotDog Splash", holding on for the pin... and getting the-

1...
2...
3!!!

[HDV rolls off, and lies on his back, lifting a fist into the air. The referee hands over the ETNS 24/7 title, which HDV takes, and holds tightly to his chest, still lying on the mat.]

[Reeve speaks into the microphone, with his security force in front of him.]

Reeve: HDV!!! You may have won that belt, but REMEMBER, it is the official WSE 24/7 title, which means anyone, at anytime, can attack you, anywhere around the world, and TAKE that title away from you! So if I were you? I'd watch my damn back, because while you may be a part of the roster now that you have that title, if you ever... EVER lose it? Well... you'll be-

SSSSSSUSPENDED INDEFINITELYYY!!!

[Reeve stomps to the back, followed by Gates, Niles and Jennings. HDV kneels beside the ropes, holding onto the top one with his right hand, and holding the ETNS 24/7 title to his chest with the other. As the camera fades out, the audience is heard chanting-

"H-D-V! H-D-V! H-D-V!"

- cut -