BOB -- Goth Times @ Ridgemont High (pt.2)

[THE Mac Bry v2]

========
Better Than You
========

[The camera opens... to Nowhere Arena. The rain is pouring down, the lights of traffic can be seen on the streets... And techno music can be heard from some unknown source.]

[But slowly, as the camera pans upwards, the techno, rave, trance beat, transitions into a much lighter tone... The camera pans all the way up the building, and by the time the camera makes its way to the rooftop, the techno sound has been replaced with the sound... of a familiar song. A... "Beautiful" song.]

"I'm fucking brilliant..."

[Brother Jimmy and Brother Jonny are on two seperate guitars, while Brother Joey mans the drums. And front and center, is Axl, standing before the microphone... Axl wears his customary, punk/goth poser outfit, with his trenchcoat blowing in the harsh wind. Axl has a pair of lime green contact lenses set over his eyes, giving off the illusion of the whites of his eyes being a solid green. He sings...]

"I'm fucking brilliant...
I am the cure...
I am an angel...
I'm the best, for sure."

"They smile when I walk past...
I'm too good to be a man...
I'm like some immortal supreme being..."

"And I've got a plan."

"I'm beautiful... I'm beautiful...
I'm beautiful, it's true.
I'm the most beautiful face... in this whole damn place...
And you gotta admit it's true...
I'm more beautiful... than you."

"So, I've caught your eye,
Like every single time,
It comes easy to me, I don't even... have to try.
The fans want to be me, but they'll have to pretend.
My foes fall before me, and every time do I win."

"I'm beautiful... I'm beautiful...
I'm beautiful... it's true.
Just admit to yourself... you're a hopeless disgrace.
And you know what you must do...
When I take the torch from you."

"La la la la la, la la la la la... la la la la la la..."

"I'm beautiful... I'm beautiful...
You're pitiful, it's true.
You know I'm the Savior,
Of this God-forsaken place...
Watch as these people forsake you."

"So SMP, just face the Truth..."

"I am... Better Than You."

[Suddenly, as the song finishes, Axl thrusts his arms out at his sides... and as a bolt of lightning crackles in the sky, all of the lights of the city, instantaneously shut off... for an instant.]

[Before returning...]

[And when they do, the Hierarchy has vanished, leaving only their instruments... except, in place of the microphone, on its stand...

[ ... Is a black rose... ]

- cut -
==================================================================================
- Buff Lads Of Wrestling ... Revelation: Nov.3, '07 -
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
/ It is time...

/ For a new king to take to the throne...

/ For the old dog to step down...

/For a renaissance... a revolution... a...

/ ... Reckoning ... \


- The camera opens upon Drakkunballz Colliseum, in lovely Sandy-Sand-Sand Beach, Alaska. It is time for SSSB's newest (and only) wrestling company to host its very first (and hopefully not last) event. Chairman Charlie Brown (no relation) stands in the middle of the ring, with mike in hand, as he addresses the packed crowd. -

Chairman Brown: "Ladies and gents, tonight, you're going to be witness to the greatest event in the history of mankind: Revelation! ECWCWWE is going to finally... FINALLY, bury the one company that is filled with old guys that aren't worth crap! ECWCWWE is going to take that company, filled with crappy old guys, that aren't worth crap, cuz they're old and crap, and it's going to BURY it. And because those old, crappy, old guys aren't worth crap and they're old, not to mention crap, they won't be able to stop ECWCWWE from taking their company... and burying it. And once it's buried, it'll be dead, just like those old, crappy, old, crappy, old, crappy, old, crappy, old, crappy, old, crappy, old, old, old, old, crappy, crappy, crappy old guys will be. They'll be dead. Cuz they're old. And crappy. And crap. And they're old too! And of course, I'm talking about..."

Chairman Brown: "BLOW!!! Yes, Buff Lads of Wrestling! There, I said it! BLOW, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do to stop me, and my next-gen band of superstar sports entertainers, from kicking you bunch of wrinkled up bags in the patoot! I am the Patron Saint of Parody... the Messiah of Mush... the SAVIOR... of-"

- 'First Generation' by Old Dirty Geezer plays on the speakers, as Paul E. Sherman, owner, president, chairman, and ticket taker for BLOW, walks through the curtain, to shock and amazement from the people in attendance. He stands on the stage, mike in hand, smiling dastardly at his business adversary... -

Paul E.: Well... well... well. So you're the new guy? Well, I'm sorry Charlie... but your little dog and pony show just isn't going to cut it! BLOW has been running business all over Alaska for years now, and if you think some young punk like you is gonna take ME out of the game?

Paul E.: You've got another thing comin'.

- Paul E. and Chairman Brown have a bit of a staring contest... till three men cut through the curtain, from Paul E.'s back, and slam fists and arms into him. One has a bald cap on, along with a painted on goatee, and a postal worker's uniform, with the phrase "UPS 3:16" on the back. Another looks to be about twenty, with a Flair-style hair-do, wearing a pair of red tights with the letters "R.F." near the corner. And the third has a ponytail, and is wearing a spray-painted wrestling singlet, with a happy face, a dragon-fly, and the phrase "DVD 4:20". As the trio bring Paul E. to the ground, Chairman Brown introduces Paul to Charlie's band. -

Chairman Charlie: "Allow me to introduce you, Paul E. ... to Delievery Boy, Sam Austun (no relation) ... The Young Nature Boy, Rick Flare (no relation) ... and of course, Don - Van - Dam! (no relation) These men are the FUTURE of this sport! And there's noone that can get in our way!"

- 'First Generation' plays again, and a bunch of older grapplers come out through the crowd, all in black tights, and black tanktops with the letters "BLOW" written on the front, "We Will BLOW You Away" on the back, all in plain, white text. But as the thirty or so members of BLOW approach the three men on stage, each of them fall, one by one, until there is but one; an old geezer, perhaps in his late 80's, slowly walking up the ramp with the assistance of a cane, making his way towards DVD, Flare, and Austun... when suddenly, he is turned around... -

[ ... Right into a Sinister Slice [diamond cutter], at the hands of "Chairman Charlie Brown". The "Chairman" removes what was obviously a mask off, tosses it to the ground, to reveal himself as, of course, Axl. His three amigos take off their get-ups and show themselves as the Hierarchy, all four of them laughing maniacally. Axl then looks toward the camera, with a smirk.]

Axl: Come ON!!! You HAD to know that was me! I mean, look at the audience, they're all made of cardboard! Who's gonna show up, much less pack the HOUSE, of an event that doesn't have 'Axl' on the marquee?! If you don't advertise greatness, expect not a damn person to show up! And babe... I AM greatness! Unlike the guys here lying at the Hierarchy's feet...

[Axl takes a swift kick at Paul E. Sherman's gut, sending him rolling over onto his back, clutching his stomach. Axl speaks, smiling down at Paul...]

Axl: You see... this man? Is the current owner of BLOW. He's been the owner of BLOW for going on ten years now. Thing is... Alaska? It... well, it sucks. It's BARELY a part of America. These people... they can't call themselves American. But Oklahoma? Oklahoma IS America! And it is with that in mind, that I had signed a deal last week with this man... this... Sherman. He KNEW he was getting old... too old to keep his precious company afloat. What he didn't know is that a week later, I would come into Alaska, stage the "debut" of a FAKE company, and orchestrate the obliteration of him and every member of his roster. God, I'm brilliant. ;D

Axl: He signed a deal with me, that would give me total and complete control over BLOW, as long as I promised to leave the company in Alaska, so these miserable Alaskans could continue to enjoy the product they've loved for near a decade. Well... guess what?

Axl: I'm a liar.

Axl: I'm taking BLOW back to Oklahoma, back to Nowhere, because Nowhere NEEDS another promotion which I can run, for them, for my people, for my citizens... And at Massively Cool, I'm making an announcement... an announcement that shall change the course of BoB for years to come. That will change the FACE...

Axl: Of professional e-parody-sports-entertainment.

Axl: This November, BoB... and BLOW... are coming to the greatest city on Earth. This November, a new chapter shall begin in the book of the business. This November, BoB... BLOW... they're going...

'Nowhere.'

- cut -
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========
BoB Today - Nov/04/2007
========

[The screen begins with pure black... except for a white counter in the center of the screen... "20 days... and counting"]

[The counter is counting down the days to the biggest, most important event in professional e-parody-sports-entertainment history. Yes, that's right... the day BLOW comes to Nowhere!]

['BoB Today', the "show, after the show" webcast on BoBwrestling.com, is streaming live, from the backstage area of the Come-A-Lot Ballroom in Sin City, only a few hours after 'Massively Cool'. Well... 24 hours to be exact, but chalk that up to our intrepid reporter, Jeremy Buttrash, having a hard time catching up with the hardly available, former Only World Champ That Matters, as well as FUTURE OWCTM... Axl.]

[Jeremy stands in front of the BoB interview background (basically, a tall, wide piece of cardboard, with the letters "B.O.B." scrawled across in black marker). Jeremy has a microphone in hand, but Axl is not seen on camera...]

JB: Hello folks! This is BLOW reporter, interviewer, and Massive Tool, Jeremy Buttrash! And today's BoB Today is quite possibly THE biggest yet! Especially since it's the first!

JB: Today, I'm going to have the honor of interviewing the greatest champion in Brawlers on a Budget history! I'm going to have the privilege of speaking with the soon to be Chairman of BLOW!!! And I'm going to be able to live my boyhood dream of talking to a TRUE hero! A true God amongst mortals! A True... Savior. Allow me to introduce you all, to the leader of the Hierarchy... AXL!

[Axl walks on-screen, in an Alice Cooper T-shirt, and the long, black, trenchcoat he's been sporting recently. He wears hot pink contact lenses, and his hair, a portion of which is pulled back in a ponytail while the rest is left to hang freely (a style reminiscent of a certain "Ayatollah of Rock-and-or-Rollah")... interweaved with lime-green highlights. Axl smiles at JB... popping his neck to the left and right...]

Axl: Hey, JB.

JB: Er... Hey Axl! It's great to finally meet the man that will soon be signing my checks! ... I AM still on the payroll, right?

Axl: Of course, Buttrash. Just keep kissing ass, and your job's secure. Cuz THAT'S... how I roll.

JB: Very good, sir. Now, as everyone knows-

Axl: - Unless they're retarded -

JB: -you will soon be bringing BLOW to Nowhere! And 'NiN', presented by both BoB and BLOW, will play host to the debut of your newly aquired promotion. What some are wondering is, in what way will BLOW play a part in NiN? Will the World Title be determined? Will we see a royale to determine the champion, or possibly the beginning of a tournament to crown the first title holder? Or maybe-

Axl: Jeremy, I said, suck up... and shut up. Your job is simply to boost my ego, and nothing more. Now, as far as any rumors of a BLOW-sanctioned match occuring at NiN? Totally unfounded. The only part BLOW is playing in NiN is the signing of the contract to solidify BLOW as Nowhere's OFFICIAL wrestling organization. Trust me, though, there will be a huge dinner on Thanksgiving Day, and every member of the BLOW roster will be there. And BLOW cameras will be there as well to document the happy occasion, and segments from the feast will play at the beginning of the event on the 24th. And the signing will be a dark, morbid affair, that will haunt the minds of those who look on for years to come... far into their pathetic, miserable, desolate lives.

JB: ...

Axl: Sorry, had to fit in a bit of generic "goth" speak there somewhere. It's my gimmick.

JB: Ah.

Axl: Anyway, the signing will start off with trumpets blaring, and a red carpet stretching down to the ring from my trailer... the ring canvas shall be covered in plush velvet... I shall walk to the ring, where a podium will be set up, contract placed ontop, and as the wind whips at my trenchcoat, and the mystique wafts through the air, I shall remove my pen from my coat... lift it high into the air... and as BLOW superstars surround the ring... I shall sign. Applause will fill the air, the trumpets will release a cry of triumph, and I, Axl Van Halen, will FINALLY own a company that won't die in a week!

JB: It sounds beautiful, boss.

Axl: Indeed, it does. And finally, I WILL be thankful. Thankful that Nowhere has something to be proud of. Not only to have me as its mayor... but to have such an awesome, ground-breaking company as its premier promotion. Led, of course, by me.

JB: And speaking of things led by you, I hear the Hierarchy is on a recruitment drive! You guys are looking to sign all of the fresh faces of BoB to your stable, so you can lead a war against the stars which you refer to as, "geezers". Axl, which of the young stars coming into BoB do you have your eye set on the most?

Axl: Well... I'd have to say... The Great.

JB: And why would that be?

Axl: Because.

JB: ... ... Because... ?

Axl: Yes.

JB: ... Ok. So, during the main event of Massively Cool, a huge brawl broke out, leading to many different members of the BoB roster brawling. Which, of course, is pretty much a give-in, seeing as how it WAS a brawl, and all. ... Anyway, another rumor has made the rounds. And I think you know what rumor that is.

Axl: Nope. Not really.

JB: ... Ohhh-ho-ho, come on now, boss! You know what I'm talkin' about!

Axl: Can't say that I do.

JB: ... *sigh* The rumored MATCH... for... for NiN?

Axl: Match? NiN? For? What?

JB: THE NOWHERE BRAWL!!!

Axl: Hey! Don't you DARE raise your voice at me! And how'd you find out about the Brawl!?

JB: Well, like I said, there's been a rumor floating about...

Axl: What am I supposed to be, a mind reader? How am I supposed to know which rumor you were talking about? You COULD have been talking about the one where your mom slept with Mike Monroe last night!

JB: HEY! I know for a FACT that that isn't true! I was sleeping with my mom last night!

Axl: ... Well, ya got me there. Anyway. Yes, that rumor happens to be true. I've spoken with Big B., and we've signed THE match. The match that will bring the OWTTM back where it belongs... around MY waist! Come the 24th, I will step out into the streets of Nowhere, Oklahoma, and will square off with twelve other BoB'sters... from Death to Pete Trable... from SMP to Kevin the Pyromaniac... from douja to that new guy, Booger. I'll face not only Insano Mano and Pigeon, but Re-X, the UndieTaker, and that stupid S.O.B. that STOLE my first World Title, XXXtreme SUCKY!

JB: XXXTreme Sucky?

Axl: It's... you know, because it sounds like... nevermind. A lucky number 13 BoB stuporstars will battle throughout my entire city, duking it out from the bars of the westside, all the way to the junk heap in the east, and possibly even stomping a few mudpies in eachother down at the bay.

JB: Nowhere has a bay? But... it doesn't even have a ocean... or an lake...

Axl: Hey, I'm the damn mayor. If I say there's a bay, there's a bay! And the winner will walk away as the Undisputed Only World Champion That Matters! Which will, of course, be me, but for now, I'll allow the other particpants the chance to think otherwise.

JB: So, you heard it here folks! At NiN, we're going to see the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Titles put on the line, the T&A XX Division Title on the line, and the first EVER Nowhere Brawl, for the Only World Title That Matters! AND there's going to be a monumental signing that will change wrestling in Nowhere FOREVER! For Axl, this is Jeremy Buttrash, saying-

Axl: Oh, one more thing.

JB: What's that, sir?

Axl: My men, Brothers Joey, Jimmy, and Jonny, have issued a challenge to Kurt Angel, and a pair of "Brothers" that haven't been seen in a long, long time. Joe, Jim, and Jon want to prove to the world that they're the ONLY brothers in professional parody-e-sports-entertainment that are worth a pinch of salt!

JB: I love salt on corn! Mmm-mm.

Axl: Shut up.

JB: Sorry.

Axl: So, I've booked it. November 24th, it will be the Hierarchy vs Angel... and Team 4D!!!

JB: Wow! Now that's an announcement! So, you heard it here folks! At NiN, we're going to see the Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Titles put on the line, the T&A XX Division Title on the line, and the first EVER Nowhere Brawl, for the Only World Title That Matters! AND there's going to be a monumental signing that will change wrestling in Nowhere FOREVER! AND, there will be a six-man tag match between Brothers Jim, Jon, and Joe... and Kurt Angel, & Team 4D, Brother Devan and Rubba!!! For Axl, this Jeremy Buttrash saying-

[Suddenly, Buttrash is brought down to the ground, with a wicked 'Sinister Slice' (diamond cutter), at the hands of Axl. Axl picks up the fallen microphone, and after spitting right on Buttrash, Axl looks into the camera.]

Axl: I just HATE being interrupted... Now...

"Feel the cold hard steel...
As it wraps around your flesh...
Taste the blood... dripping from your mouth...
Sometimes its better just to stay in bed..."

"When you wake up... Thanksgiving...
Know that it will be but two days before...
Before the beginning...
Before the end..."

"Know that when the calendar reads '24'..."

"Your destiny will be clear...
My day will be here...
My fans... they will all cheer.
And you shall feel the wrath... of fear."

"It is time..."

"Time for the new day to come down upon us...
Time for the Surgeon to go out of business...
Time for the Reaper to feel the touch of death...
Time..."

"It is time..."

"It Is Time..."

"IT IS TIME..."

Axl: Not only will the Hierarchy face Angel and Team 4D... not only will they DECIMATE them... but it shall be within the confines of not one... not two... not three... but FOUR. Four cages, stacked one on top of the other... The first, holding two chairs, and two ladders. The ladders shall be used to climb to the second level... each wall of which will hold one table, Team 4D's specialty. Each of the top three cages will have a chain-link ladder hanging from the ceiling, which the participants will use to climb to the next level. The walls of the third cage will be lined with drug paraphernelia, Angel's "specialty". And the final cage shall be lined with intruments, such as guitars and whatnot. And above the very tip-top cage? A red 'Z', representing the greatest Dimension in the world... Dimension Zed! The dimension that is home to the greatest band of wrestlers EVER... Gunnzzz and Aliennzzz, the galactic version of the legendary Gunnzzz and YoYozzz!!! The first team to grab the 'Z' will win the match, and the right to call themselves THE best band of wrestlers to ever step into the ring! Atleast... in a ring set up in Nowhere, Oklahoma. ... Cut.

[Are you sure-]

* Axl hits a 'Sinister Slice' to the camera, bringing the promo to a sudden- *

- cut -
[/a]



========
BoB Today - Nov/24/2007
========

[20 days after the very first 'BoB Today', November in Nowhere has come... and gone. And just as Thanksgiving for the Hierarchy was a total let-down, NiN could perhaps be known as an even BIGGER let-down.]

[The Hierarchy's Thanksgiving consisted of every member of Axl's potential roster dying of food poisoning... brought on by ages old stuffing. And then... two days later... when BoB came to Nowhere, all the potential gain Axl had with BLOW, was ripped from his hands by the company's previous owner, Paul E. Sherman, when he trampled over Tifa Bon Jovi, after Axl's agent botched a 'Bon Tifanator' (catchy name, if I do say...). And not only did Tifa lose the match she was hurled into by her boss, but so did the Brothers of the Hierarchy lose their Quadruple Decker Cell Match, against Kurt Angel, and Team 4D (returning for a One Night Stand). But perhaps the biggest blow to the Hierarchy on Thanksgiving weekend... came in the main event.]

[We open outside Axl's trailer, where his VMW Beetle is stationed on the front lawn. The formerly yellow Beetle has been painted a raven black, with the words 'i Am' painted on the back in red.]

Brad Pitt: That's one evil Beetle ya got there, Axl.

Axl: Yep. And it's taking me, Tifa, and the guys all the way to Sinister City, Utah. Here's the keys to the trailer.

[We find Axl handing over the trailer key to Brad, who shakes Axl's hand.]

Pitt: Well, I have to thank you for giving me this opportunity. I've always wanted to be mayor. I've always wanted to have some public power... the power to help change a community... for the good of mankind.

Axl: Yeah, well, anyway, Tifa's in, the Brotherhood's in... I've got all my stuff packed up and ready to go. Good luck, Brad.

Pitt: You take care, Axl. Rest assured that I've got this city headed for greatness. You chose the right guy when you picked me, Ax-

Axl: That's nice. [turns toward the Beetle] Hey Tifa, open the door, I'm going to try something.

[Axl heads into the car at a slightly quick pace... leaving Brad Pitt talking to the wind. The Beetle speeds off, as the actor, and now Mayor of Nowhere, is left in a long, rambling conversation... with, presumably, himself.]

Tifa: [driving] What in the hell was that?

Axl: [in the passenger's seat] Well, I just figured that, if I get out of there at the right time, I could leave him talking to himself. God DAM does that guy talk alot! I mean-

Tifa: And you don't?

Axl: - it's like... wait, huh? Whaddya mean, "And I don't"? I don't talk alot! ... Atleast, I don't think I do... do I?

Tifa: Well...

Axl: [turns to look at the Brotherhood, in the back seats] You guys don't think I talk too much... do you?

Jon: ...
Jim: ...
Joe: Of course. ... I mean... Yes. ... No. ... What was the question?

Axl: [turns back to Tifa with a frustrated look] Well screw you guys! I'm the boss, and I can talk as much as I damn well please!

Tifa: Besides, it's about the only thing you're good at...

Axl: ... I'll just act like I didn't hear that.

[Suddenly, Axl's cell phone rings. He removes it from his pocket, flips it open, and answers.]

Axl: Hey yo. ... Oh God, not another one of those damn things... Alright, Jeremy, I'll be right there. This better be the last time I have to step foot ANYWHERE in Nowhere...

- 13 minutes later -

Jeremy Buttrash: Hello fans, I'm standing here, live on location, right outside Nowhere's very own adult toy store, 'FedsEx'. Former Only World Champ that Matters, as well as now FORMER Mayor of Nowhere, Axl, is standing alongside me, as he prepares to leave Nowhere behind, and head for Sinister City, Utah! Axl, I want to kick things off by simply saying, Merry Holidays!

Axl: Cram it, tool.

Buttrash: Yes, sir...

Axl: Buttrash, you wanna know WHY I'm leaving this God forsaken hell hole? You wanna know why I'm giving up my position as Mayor, just so I can move away and become a resident of another state? Well, it's as plain as my shining greatness and beaming majesty... It's the fact that moving OUT of this town... this STATE, of OklaHOMO, and moving IN to any other state, no matter if it be New York, California, Florida, Washington or Rhode Island... hell it could be TEXAS... moving into any other state besides this backwards, backwoods, redneck infested SHITHOLE, would be a step UP. And maybe... I AM... movin' on up.

Buttrash: Unfortunately, it seems, on the weekend which most people are celebrating what they're most thankful for... you've spent the last 72 hours racking up more, and more reasons to become less, and less thankful for just living. But Axl... you've got to have SOMETHING you're thankful... right? I mean, through the loss of 'Buff Lads of Wrestling' ... through your 'Brotherhood's' defeat at the hands of Angel and two men who haven't been in the ring for years... all the way to 'The Great' scaling to the top of 'GwarTellica Square Gardens', to answer your request for him to join your Hierarchy... only to have him wind up being the man to cost you your shot at regaining the OWTTM. Axl... through all of that... you must have something... ANYTHING... that you're thankful for?

Axl: You want to know the Truth? I am...

Axl: ... I am THANKFUL... that I lost BLOW. Why? Because now, I can focus on regaining the Only World Title That Matters. And I can focus on putting together a bigger, better, badder Hierarchy. ...

Axl: ... I Am THANKFUL... that the Great decided not to join the Hierarchy. Why? Because the only person I want in the Hierarchy who Believes he's the Greatest... is me. I'm Greater than the so-called "Great" could ever HOPE to be. He's not the kind of rookie that the Hierarchy is commiting itself to help. Which is, of course, the kind of rookie that will bend to my will, and step aside when they know they need to. Kinda like the guys I like to call my Brotherhood! Gotta love Jim, Jon, and Jack.

Buttrash: Isn't it Joe?

Axl: Whatever. Ahem... And-

Axl: I AM THANKFUL... most of all, that I have a great agent like Tifa Bon Jovi... who is the true force that made November in Nowhere possible. For you see... she made the phone calls. She pushed the buttons. And SHE put the ball into motion, to bring Nowhere its last taste... of the Savior. I tried saving Nowhere. I really did. But it wasn't MY fault that they were left high and dry, with an idiot like Brad Pitt as its mayor... its theirs. Every single citizen of Nowhere is at fault... and that's why it makes it even more important that BoB, now more than ever, joins together... under my wing.

Axl: They must admit that they've made a mistake... a ton of them in fact... and they must hand me the reigns...

Axl: And a reign. A reign... for the second time... as Only World Champion that Matters. For only with me as their Champion, will BoB be able to return to cable... on a certain block of content that will actually ALLOW the sort of shenanigans that BoB is known for... a block of content much more grisly than Nick at Nite... much more vile... crude... sick... twisted... demented... and above all else...

Axl: ... Adult. Yes, I speak of the second coming of BoB to cable. Only this time? ... On Adult Swim. You see... I received a phone call, not too long after I heard from you, Jeremy Buttrash. It was a call informing me of a lost relative. ...

Axl: My mother.

Buttrash: Your MOM! Axl, this is a huge scoop for BoB Today! You mean you actually know who your mother is now?!

Axl: Exactly. ... She is a woman of power. A woman of GREAT power. She is... She Is... She IS...... the Vice President in Charge of Everything, for Adult Swim. And she is the best damn mom a guy could asked for. Well... atleast, as far as I could tell from our brief conversation over the phone. Anyway, she has let me know that, seeing as how I'm her son and all, the only way she could make up for all that time lost... is by giving me the power to make a very crucial decision... a decision that could make or break BoB. She has informed me, that if BoB eventually comes to a point where it meets my high expectations, then she will give the go ahead for a one and a half hour weekly show, at the end of the block, around 3:30, right after Aqua Teen Hunger Force. And she has said... that if they don't meet them by a set date, set by me of course, then I will have the power to take over the slot myself.

Buttrash: By the way, Axl. What is your mom's name?

Axl: Ironically... Rose.

Buttrash: That sounds familiar... ... Your ex-girlfriend!

Axl: Yeah, yeah. She was a total beast... did you know she had a moustache? Like, just peach fuzz, but it was pretty visible...

Buttrash: ...

Axl: And also ironically, my mom lives in Slashville, Utah, right next to Sinister City! So, I can basically see her anytime I want once I move there. As I am not scheduled for MegaBrawl... which is a crime of unmitigated proportions... I'm going to spend the next month moving into Sinister City, and spending alot of time catching up with Mama Rose, as I like to call her. I'm going to be moving into a nice, two bedroom HOUSE, because this trailer thing? Well, let's just say I need to do everything in my power to wash that stench off. Trailers are sooo redneck-y.

Buttrash: So, it seems as if you're going to be spending time with family for the holidays?

Axl: Definitely, Jeremy. Definitely... Hey, look, I need to get the hell out of this place. I've taken all of Nowhere I can handle... Enough's enough...

Axl: And it's time for a change. Remember; I am the Savior of BoB... I Am the Metal God... I AM...

~ better than you ~

[Axl shoves the microphone into Jeremy's chest, and hops into the passenger's side of the now black VMW. The car speeds off in a cloud of smoke, as the camera fades to black, with two words in the very center... all lowercase... white font... inbetween two brackets... ]

[adult swim]
==================================================================================
=======
The Return... of Rose
=======

[It is the 30th of November... Axl, Tifa, and the Brotherhood are on the last stretch to the new homestead... Sinister City, Utah.]

Tifa: You know Axl, we would have been there alot faster if you didn't make so many stops along the way... Crappy fast-food resteraunts, pointless tourist traps... and why in the hell did we have to stop at that county fair? I thought you decided to leave all the backwoods stuff back in Oklahoma?

Axl: I just HAD to stop at that recording booth! They let you choose a song, and sing it... recording it onto a cd! I GOTTA give this song to Mama Rose... it shows her just how much I love her. She's... the best.

Tifa: From the sound of what you were singing... I don't think she's going to "love" it that much. I mean... does she even LIKE rock?

Axl: Tifa, may I remind you she IS the Vice President in Charge of Everything at [adult swim]? She's totally cool! She's HARDCORE! She's-

Tifa: Aw cram it, Axl. Just stick the damn cd in and let's get this over with.

Axl: Alright, geez, are you on your period or something?

Tifa: ...

Axl: Sorry... And besides, it's not just ANY rock music, babe. It's FLYLEAF! And Lacey Mosley is like, THE awesomest rock chick in the history of the galaxy!!!~1 And so, not only is this song a tribute to my mom, but it is a tribute to FlyLeaf singer, Lacey, and to all of the rock chicks of the world! From my mom, to Lacey, to... uh... Avril Lavigne!

Tifa: ... You're kidding, right?

Axl: And now, without further adieu, me, Axl, singing "All Around Me", by FLYLEAF!!! I love you Rose...

[Axl slides the disc into the car's stereo... hits play... and the song begins.]

My hands are searching for you...

My arms are outstretched towards you...

I feel you on my fingertips...

My tongue dances behind my lips for you...

This fire rising through my being...

Burning I'm not used to seeing you.

I'm alive... I'm alive.

I can feel you all around me,

Thickening the air I'm breathing,

Holding on to what I'm feeling,

Savoring this heart that's healing.

My hands float up above me,

And you whisper you love me.

And I begin to to fade...
Into our secret place.

The music makes me sway...

The angels singing say...

We are alone with you...

I am alone and they are too with you.

And so I cry...
The light is white...
And I see you.

I'm alive... I'm alive...
I'm Alive.

I can feel you all around me,

Thickening the air I'm breathing,

Holding on to what I'm feeling,

Savoring this heart that's healing.

Take my hand I give it you...
Now you own me, All I AM...
You said you would never leave me...

I believe you, I believe-

I believe you, I believe-

I believe you, I believe-

I believe you, I believe-

I believe you, I believe-

I believe you, I Believe-

Tifa: What the heck...

Axl: What?

Tifa: The cd keeps skipping. ... Can't you hear it?

Axl: ... The song's ended a bit ago, Tifa... ya hearing things or something?

Tifa: [as she's driving, Tifa looks into the rear-view mirror, speaking to the Brotherhood] You guys don't hear it? It keeps repeating, "I believe you, I believe..." ...

Joe: Uh...
Jim: ...
Jon: DAMN!
Joe: [looks at Jon] ... Dude?
Jon: Wha'?
Joe: Just... no.
Jon:

Tifa: ... I guess I must be hearing things... well, anyway, I've stopped hearing it. Man, that was strange... Are you sure you didn't repeat that line a few times at the end, Axl?

Axl: Tifa, trust me. Everything's fine. You're just crazy. Now drive.

[Tifa shakes her head to herself, and presses eject on the stereo... but when the cd comes out, and Tifa pulls it out, she catches a glimpse of a face in the cd's reflection... not her own... but that of a woman... in gothic attire... blonde hair with black streaks, and eyes behind red contacts. The woman smiles deviously... a smile, dripping with menace... Tifa's eyes widen and she looks behind her... but all she sees is Jim, Joe, and Jon. Tifa returns her gaze to the cd... which now is devoid of any odd reflection. Tifa begins to look on with unease, placing the cd back in its case. She returns to driving... sweat slowly beginning to creep along the side of her 'brow...]

- belIeve ... or be left behInd -

===========================

- Sinister City, Utah ; The Residence of Evil -

[It is the afternoon... the first of December. The Beetle of Evil, as Axl has taken to calling it, has pulled into the driveway of the Hierarchy's new hangout... a one story, two bedroom home... a house far removed from the trailer of Nowhere. As Axl makes his way to the passenger's side door, he breaths in slowly... before opening the door... and taking the hand of his agent, Tifa. Axl smiles at Tifa, who nods her head.]

Tifa: So we're finally here.

Axl: We are. Finally, away from that hole in the wall town... hell, I forget its name now. But no matter. We're finally in a city that is WORTHY to have us as a part of it... and one day, perhaps, I can grace its citizens with the honor... and the PRIVILEGE... of having me as their mayor. Sinister City, Utah... and our new home... The Residence of EVIL!

Tifa: ...

Axl: What?

Tifa: Oh, nothing... why bother. Let's go inside.

Axl: Let's. Guys, stop playing that Lameboy or Homeboy or Gameploy or whatEVER, and get the bags.... We're home.

[As the Brotherhood grab the bags, Axl leads Tifa toward the front door of the RoE...]

Axl: Wait, I'm getting a phone call on my cell...

Tifa: I didn't hear any-

Axl: [whips out his cellphone] Hello? ... Oh, you're inside! Awesome! Well, Mom, I'm right outside the door, and I've got my agent with me. Her name's Tifa, and- ... Nooo, she's not my girlfriend! ... No, she's not my wife. ... SHE'S NOT MY MISTRESS EITHER, MOM! ... Alrighty, I love ya too, we're coming in right now. ... Buh-bye.

[Axl pockets the phone, and looks at Tifa, who has a puzzled look on her face.]

Axl: What?

Tifa: Your mom's inside?

Axl: Yeah, I guess you get to meet her right off the bat.

Tifa: Great... This oughta be interesting.

[Axl opens the door, and the two head inside... soon followed by Jon, Jim, and Joe. When our camera switches inside, we find a recliner... turned with its back toward the front door. Axl and Tifa look around.]

Axl: Mom... Mom? What room are you in?

Rose: This one deary.

Axl: ... That doesn't sound like you... wait... wait a damn minute... Rose?

Tifa: Yeah, that's your mom's name, Axl... Of course, she sounds pretty young to be your mom. ... What, did she have you when she was seven?

Axl: Tifa... I don't think that's 'Rose', my mom...

Rose: Wise you are, young Jedi.

[Rose rises from the recliner, and turns around... and indeed, it isn't Axl's mom, but his ex-girlfriend. Rose has ditched her former 'rock band' look she sported upon Axl's debut in BoB, when she played drums for his old band 'GwarTellica'... and is now clad in the same gothic style attire that Axl has taken to wearing.]

Rose: I came seeking revenge, Axl... and I won't leave until I have it.

Axl: You should have given up, Rose. We're history... it's just me and the Hierarchy now, babe.

Rose: I don't want you... I want... HER.

Tifa: Huh? What do I have to do with this? You do know I'm just his agent, right? We're in business together. Nothing more... nothing less.

Rose: Heehee...

Axl: Heheheh.

Tifa: ... Am I missing something? Axl, why are you laughing along with this gothic tramp?

Axl: Alas, my dear... you miss the point entirely. Now, just as you ever have. For you see... a new horizon is upon us. A new day is close to dawn. And your day... has drawn to a close.

Rose: It is time, my love... for the Truth to be revealed.

Tifa: What... in the HELL are you two rambling on about? Axl, do you EVER make ANY sense?

Axl: Is it I who doth make too little sense... or thine that maketh too MUCH?

Tifa: ... Huh? Ya know, nevermind. I'm getting the hell out of here. If you two can't explain to me what's going on then-

[Suddenly, two pairs of hands clasp onto Tifa's arms... she glances behind her to find Jim and Jon standing there, each of them grabbing ahold of one of Tifa's arms. She turns her head back forward to look at Axl, but finds herself staring, face to face, with Rose. Her hair, long, flowing, blonde, with dark black streaks weaving throughout... her lips glossed with black... and her eyes... veiled behind two crimson red contacts. Rose gently places her hand alongside Tifa's cheek... Rose's black fingernails shining with glitter... as she smiles a sick, and twisted smile... devoid of happiness or joy... brimming with hatred and... not-good-ed-ness. Rose drags her tounge along her top lip... before moving in close to Tifa's mouth... and as Jim and Jon grasp Tifa's wrists, Rose tilts her head to the side... and whispers...]

"Believe... or Be Left Behind."

[Tifa appears as if she's about to say something, but Rose quickly locks on a french kiss... shoving her tounge down Tifa's throat forcibly... before ripping it back out and slapping the taste out of Tifa's mouth... Tifa's head reels to the side, and a tiny tear trickles down her face.]

Rose: You chose not to Believe... and so? You shall fall, just as any who choose to oppose my king shall! Tifa... you shall be but an example, for the members of BoB to either take heed of... or ignore. And those who ignore this example shall be doomed to repeat in your footsteps.

Tifa: [struggling to break free from Jim and Jon] You can't do this! I have the best lawyer money can afford, so if you even DARE-

Rose: Oh no no no. I wouldn't DREAM of it. No... what we're going to do to you is much worse than any beating.

[Axl walks over to Tifa, with the same, sick, twisted smile as his former and now CURRENT girlfriend, Rose.]

Axl: We're going to send you out into that cold, autumn afternoon... without paying for your cab fare!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! PURE EVIIILLL!!!

Tifa: ...

Rose: And alas, we bid thee adieu. Now, be rid of you, you... WENCH!!!

Tifa: ... You two are a couple of nutjobs, seriously...

[And so, the Brotherhood tossed Tifa out into the cold, without paying for a ride. Of course, they didn't really "toss" her... or even shove roughly... just sort of escorted her out. ... And it's not like she didn't have enough money of her own to pay for a drive back to her home back in Nowhere, but ANYWAY... Axl holds Rose's hands in his... the two gazing lovingly into eachother's eyes... they lean closer toward eachother...]

[Before they start kissing really sloppily and nastily, like they're on some kinda porn movie or somethin'. Not really romantic... Rose hops into Axl's arms and start really going at it, necking like there's no tomorrow. And suddenly, MegaBrawl's turned into a damn fan fic... Meh.]
==================================================================================
=======
Wave of the Future.
=======

~ Black screen. ~

~ Cut to an empty ring. ~

~ Black screen. ~

~ Cut to a ring, with one, darkened figure standing tall. ~

~ Black screen. ~

~ Cut to a ring, with three, darkened figures standing tall... slowly walking toward the camera. Before... ~

~ Black screen. ~

"GRRR... BOB!!!"

"Like, we are SOOO coming. Tee hee, I totally just said cumming. "

"And when we's come ovah tah yuz, and looks yuz in the eye, they-ah won't be no runnin', they-ah ain't gonna be no hidin' neitha'. We-yah three guys, with a mission. Capice'?"

"DUDES! This is where the battle begins... GRRRRRRR!!!"

~ Black screen. ~

~ Blinding flash of light. ~

~ Cut to a ring, with three men standing tall... A short, fat, bald, possibly Italian man. A tall, muscular, possibly roided up man with a dark brown crew cut. And the man in the center... with bright, hot pink hair... a fishnet tank top, hot pink leather pants, and platform boots... and a face full of make up, along with nails polished and lips glossed. ~

raYne: Babe... come MegaBrawl? We will be there, oh yes, we WILL be there. And suge, you BEST Believe it! *snaps fingers*

Steve Roydz: And DUDE?! If you step in our way... well, we're just gonna have tah... just gonna have tah... GRRR!!!~!

Tony Spaghetti: Fuhgeddaboutit!

~ Static... ~

~ Black screen. ~

==================================================


========
Axl 3:16
========

[It was another, average, Christian day, at the First Church of Holy Mackerel. The nice, perfect, Christian people in attendance stood before the mighty man of God, as he spake upon them... as well as spoke, spokeded, and spokified. After a few hymnals, testimonies, and other various whatnots, Brother Dyna Mite reaches a certain passage from the book of Brother John...]

Brother Mite: "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." There is a Prophet... a man who was born unto this world to speak the holy name of the Almighty God... Oh, yes, indeed there IS a prophet... and his name? Jesus. I ask that we all bow our heads-

[Suddenly, "Testify" by Rage Against the Machine plays over the church speakers. The reserved, conservative, Christian congregation immediately call foul on the "Devil Music" which now fills their house of worship. The lights begin to shine brilliant hues of lime green and hot pink, as Brother Mite checks around with a few altar boys to see if they know what in the h-e-double-hell is going on. Slowly, a platform descends... with a black man in preacher attire standing in the center. The black man is none other than former pro-sports-entertainer, as well as former Drudley, Reverand D-Van. As the platform sets down beside the altar where Brother Mite stands, the good Reverand reaches out and rips the microphone from Brother Mite's hands. Brother Mite yells obscenities, further enraging his flock... as Reverand D-Van spakes. ... er, speaks.]

Rev. D-Van: OH MY BROTHAZ AND SISTAZ! Yes, indeed there IS a prophet, yes SIR! But that PROPHET, ha ha, does NOT go by the name of Jesus! He is a man, I said, he is a MAN-ah, a mighty, mighty GOOD man, yes sir, and he is a man that is on this Earth, on this planet, on this very, very SPHERE, my brothaz and sistaz, to prophesize the COMING! The coming, of our TRUE lord... and Savior. Oh my BROTHAZ... oh my SISTAZ... oh my auntz and unclez and cousinz and half-siblingz and grandmaz and grandpaz and other such relationz, ha ha! Are you ready?

[Reverand D-Van hops off the platform and takes a few steps... Standing before the entire congregation, Reverand D-Van bows his head...]

Rev. D-Van: Then let us bow our heads. Dear Lord Axl... save us. Save our souls... save these PEOPLE's souls, oh Lord Axl. For they know not. Send upon them a voice, oh God amongst peasants... Send them a voice of REASON... a voice of HONESTY... oh you heavenly body of radiance, send upon these non-believers... these DOUBTERS... send them a voice... send them a beacon of your glowing light... send them...

Rev. D-Van: ... a Prophet.

["Testify" by RATM plays again, and... the lights dim. What is it with the Hierarchy and turning off the damn lights... When they return, everything seems to be the same way they were before the brief blackout... until Brother Dyna Mite is thrown into the altar, at the hands of a man in a ripped preacher's get-up... a man that bears a striking resemblence to-]

Altar Boy: Brother Jon! It's Brother Jon from Brawlers on a Budget!

[How do you know that? Hardly anyone even KNOWS about BoB.]

Altar Boy: Well, the front of his shirt says "I'm Brother Jon, from Brawlers on a Budget". Dead give away.

[Oh...]

Rev. D-Van: My friends, this is a CHANGED man, yes SIR! Baptized and bathed in the holiness of our Savior's mere presence, this man... ha ha, this PROPHET, is no LONG-AH simply Brotha Jon... no, no, NO! My brothaz and sistaz... I give unto thee The Voice...

Rev. D-Van: ... Prophet.

Altar Boy: Prophet?

Rev. D-Van: Yes, Prophet. Why?

Altar Boy: Then why does his shirt say "I'm Brother Jon, from Brawlers on a Budget"?

Rev. D-Van: ... Wait a sec.

[The Rev. turns to the Artist formerly known as Brother Jon, and rips off his shirt... to reveal another shirt, this one reading "I'm Prophet, from Brawlers on a Budget". D-Van then turns back to the Altar Boy.]

Rev. D-Van: Now?

Altar Boy: Much better.

[Prophet grabs Brother Mite by the throat, lifts him high into the air, and smashes him straight through a table filled with bread and wine. There goes the communion... Geez, did he have to smash him through a good bottle of Chardonnay? Anyway, Prophet beats his chest, before raising his arms in the air. Reverand D-Van continues.]

Rev. D-Van: Now... new believahz in the ways of our Savior... REJOICE! For a new day has dawned! A new era... is upon us. Throw down your weary robes, oh brothaz and sistaz... and take part in the NEW path... the NEW way... the New Horizon. Altah boys... bring forth the almighty glowsticks. Brothah Joseph... low-ah the almighty poles. And Brothah James... HIT DA MUSIC, and TESTIFYYY!!!

["Generic Trance Music" plays... as poles lower to the floor. The lights begin to flash a rainbow of colors, and as glowsticks are passed about, the whole of the congregation instantaneously rise from their seats, and begin taking part in the first ever rave in a church. Women are kissing women... women are kissing men... and in a sight I'd rather not see, two of the ugliest old men I ever did lay eyes on are in a corner, covered in paint, as well as wrinkles and grey splotches, playing tonsil hockey like there's no tomorrow. And for these hell-bound souls, there surely may not be.]



[...]

[Sorry, almost lost it there. Ahem... All the while, Reverend D-Van has Prophet taking money from the mind-warped old people, and stashing it away in a lock box. I wonder if Gore has anything to do with this...]

~ Axl 3:16 - "belIeve... or be left behInd" ~
======================================================
======
Twas the Night...
======
Twas the night before Christmas
And as the moon replaced the sun...
The Hierarchy was preparing,
for a brand new horizon.

Snug in their beds,
one on top of the other...
The World's Gayest Tag Team,
Were both wearing a rubber.

The Muscled-up Meat-head,
Steve Roydz was his name,
Left cookies, and PED's,
for when ol' Saint Nick came.

Viruz was smart,
He knew where he stood.
So he hacked into the North Pole's server,
to make SURE that he was good.

Jim, and Joe, the Brotherhood,
jobbers just the same...
Were snoozing off in slumberland
With dreams of actually winning a match in their brain.

Alone, in a park,
Pigeon was brooding on one knee.
Feeding crumbs to the birds...
Crying, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

The X-Factor rapped,
"Yo, Christmas is a crock!
Santa nevah left me SH!T, yo,
So that fat b!tch can suck... my... *holds mic to the air*"

And Axl in his spiked collar,
Rose, sipping from some gin...
Were preparing for the 19th,
When a new era would begin.

Axl, Rose, and the Brotherhood...
and the newly reborn Prophet...
Tony Spaghetti, and raYne...
and Steven Roydz... they all saw it.

Viruz, teh hax0r, and Trable, teh wigg0r...
And wee little Pigeon... were all ready for that day.
As the sun would replace the moon...
Beginning with one, bright, shining ray.

So Brawlers on a Budget,
Have a Merry Christmas tomorrow night.
For when the New Year begins...

It shall be the era of an UNHOLY fight...





www.bobwrestling.com/NH.html



=========================================

the following rp was by The Great, Axl's opponent at some show. i'm gettin tired of livin in the past, i know nobody is really reading this stuff... fuck it, roll that beautiful bean footage.

-

(There’s a scene of a blue sky. A plane flies across the sky left to right.

Subtitle: St. Louis. The Great’s home.

A two story house, lavishly bombarded with streamers and balloons and a giant banner that has “WELCOME HOME, CHAMP” on it.

A cab pulls up, The Great gets out and grabs his luggage, looks at the house and sighs heavily. He walks in.)

A group of people as The Great opens the door: SURPRISE! CONGRATULATIONS!

“The Great”: Yeah. Hee. Umm, The Great was not successful. The Great wishes you didn’t decorate.

The Great’s Wife: What?! You didn’t win?

“The Great”: No, The Great did not win. Apparently, The Devil wears Prada, but his wife doesn’t.

The Great’s Wife: WHAT?! You tried to bribe the boss with MY shoes?! I’m getting more!

“The Great”: The Great assumed you would.

Nick: Dad, you got flocked over!

The Great’s Wife: WHAT! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! NIC-o-LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS! GO TO YOUR ROOM!

(She begins smacking him on the head.)

Nick: AWW! What’d I do, Mah, what’d I do?!

The Mother in Law: Whuh whuh whuh whah whah WHAH!

“The Great”: The Great couldn’t have said it better. The Great indeed got screwed without the common courtesy of a reach around.

Lori: EWWW!

Little Johnny: Father, I will find Death, and disintegrate his bones to ash with a new cosmic deatomizer vise gripped glove application I’ve been working on.

“The Great”: No, son. That is not necessary. And don’t you have a poster to color for Kindergarten this weekend? You better start on that.

Little Johnny: Curses!

The Great’s wife: Why don’t you want Johnny to disintegrate Death? Didn’t he cheat you?

“The Great”: No, Death fought valiantly. Death even threw The Great for a loop and learned more than three moves. Death was on his game. Death was not the reason The Great didn’t win the title. But, the good news is, The Great is still undefeated.

The Great’s wife: Oh, for crying out loud! We can’t go to Hawaii on undefeated! What did WWE say?

“The Great”: They laughed at The Great. And on the way out of the building, Matt Stryker called The Great a jobber. MATT STRYKER! It was the most embarrassing moment in The Great’s life, except for that one time Lori walked downstairs saw us doing it in front of the fireplace when she was six.

Lori: Umm, NASTY! I’m going to my room!

The Mother in Law: Whah whah WHUH whah whah whuh-----whahwhuhwhah.

“The Great”: If it wasn’t Death’s fault, then whose was it? Very good question. The answer is simple. Axl.

The Great’s wife: Who is Axl?

“The Great”: Also a simple question. And the answer is--- a man getting ready to spend what little time he has left on earth in excruciating pain. Axl, what you did, The Great will not tolerate. Your actions--- infuriate The Great. The Great will RETALIATE.

And you, The Great will---- exterminate!

(From upstairs)

Lori: MOM! Little Johnny’s in my room talking about mass genocide and nuclear warheads!

The Great’s wife: JOHNNY! Get out of your sister’s room!

Lori: What about the bombs?

The Great’s wife: Oh, for crying out loud! You don’t care about that stuff, you just want him out of your room, right?

Lori: Well, DUH!

The Great’s wife: Get out of there, Johnny!

“The Great”: Please stop the shouting. You’re giving The Great---a headache.

The Great’s wife: Well, all I know is you better pay this Axl character back with an ass whooping of unprecedented proportions. He cost me another trip to Hawaii, he cost me some “I’m the wife of the champ” shopping sprees, and he cost me some celebratory sex!

“The Great”: That’s true. If victorious, The Great had planned on having sex, even with you, and covering your body with so much DNA they could have filmed three episodes of CSI: Miami with it.

The Great’s wife: I hate Axl!

(She stomps away.)

“The Great”: You are not alone in that sentiment. Brawler’s on a Budget, The Great wants Axl. Set the date. Totally Death would be a good place to start, because that will be Axl’s fate, TOTALLY DEATH.

Courtesy of The Great.

(He rips off his shirt!)

“The Great”: Axl, The Great wants you at Totally Death. Accept. And when you do, then The Great will make plans to annihilate! Let The Great demonstrate.

(The Great walks over to a large cake that has “New OWCTM- The Great” on it, and smashes it to smithereens.)

“The Great”: Axl, that was you.

The Great’s wife: (from another room) WHAT WAS THAT?

“The Great”: Um, the cake fell off the table.

The Great’s wife: Well clean it up for crying out loud!

The Mother in Law: (pointing at The Great) WHAH WHAH! (she walks off)

“The Great”: Axl, you will rue the day you messed with The Great. You tried to get The Great to join your Hierarchy, but The Great said no. The Great is not second rate. The Great cost you the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at November in Nowhere. And now, you do the same to The Great. The difference is, The Great deserved the title and you didn’t. Now it’s personal.

The Great will grace you soon. Oh yes, very soon.

(fade)
======================================================
======
Destiny Await Thee...
======

Book of Axl - Chapter 1

"And yay he walked upon a New Horizon... He sought a cup of gold."
"Yet gold was taken from him, with not a sip to taste."
"He forged onward... into the Valley of Death..."
"... With eyes set upon only vengeance."

"A carnival of hollowed eyes."

"A canopy of delieverance."

"A sheltered documentary of abysmal radiance."

"Mo-squi-to."

[Camera opens in a flash to the eyes of our Holy Father... Axl. His eyes, red... veins... shot, as the roots of a mighty oak.]

[His is not to have had sleep, but to Believe that with boundless time spent upon the task at hand...]

[... there would come a new dawn.]

[Our Savior stares point blank into the camera's shining lens...]

"Sunday Morning Chloroform."

"33."

"In one day's time, an impact occured which shake-ethed the entire world of this sport... this sport of king's... To its very foundation."

"Not that it had that much going for it... Hell, by then, a decent match occuring on live television shocked the holy living be-jeezus out of people, but that's beside the point..."

"But to it's foundation it shake-ethed anyway. And who shook-ethed thou cloven trou? Who, with one swing of thy be-jinkered guitar, and with a whip-snap crash did he usher in the beginninings of a new day?"

"Axl."

"Me."

"Axl."

"..."

"AXL."

"I DID. I, and I alone, made the most impact upon his debut in the entire illustriously illustrious historical history of time and span of what which is known thine as BoB."

"Everyone and anyone that has began their trek before OR after my monumentolous introductification has PALED IN COMPARISON... to my splendor."

"My gloriousinitalness."

"My..."

"GREAT...ness."

"..."

"And yet."

"And yet, ever since the very BEGINNING, the VERY beginning, THE very beginning... There has been one man."

"One unholy, unrighteouss, unclean, unkempt, unWORTHY individual..."

"That has known within his heart of hearts..."

"That if-in-eth one man, should become-eth an immortal... And if-in-eth he would to walk-eth through the Gates of Light... and IF-IN-ETH he and he alone extend-eth his palm and felteded upon the rich texture of the Cup of The Most Powerful Gold on High... AND IF-IN-ETH... and this is a BIG if-in-eth... The cup were to accept him as the one and only TRUE master..."

"Then there would be no choice for that man... that wretched waste of human flesh... Not the guy with the 'if-in-eths' and whatnot, but the other guy... but to bow out... and hand his throne to he that deserve-eth it."

"There is one man that has placed obstacle... after obstacle... after OBSTACLE in mine path."

"My first match. SMC 34. I lost. And any man, and any woman, and any child, and any inanimate object with even HALF a brain... except for perhaps the inanimate object... would KNOW that a GOD does NOT lose his first match."

"He does the opposite."

"Which is... WIN it."

"But DID I win? No. ... And you would have known that, had you'd been paying attention. Dumbass."

"And it continued."

"Swiss Army Title. Living in Sin. Your Savior faced a man by the name of Mr. Paradox. And was SCREWED. Indeed, I walked away with the title. And at first glance you COULD say that, twas Paradox who twas screwed."

"But you'd be wrong."

"For you see, that event should have been my night. It should have been my night to prove to the fans... the world... myself... to prove that I was no ordinary, run-of-the-mill wrestling "superstar". I was a SuperNOVA. I should have had the chance to prove that I could defeat that snivling toad with both hands, both feet, and an ear tied behind my back. But did I receive that chance?"

"No."

"Instead, the fans were left with the impression that some... PIRATE... named Xamfar... Xamfor? Regardless of his name, he was displayed there-ah-lee upon-eth these wretched morsels of filth and decadence which that call-eth themselves FANS... He was perceived by THEM to be the deciding factor in my obtaining the Swiss Army Title."

"It shouldn't have been... but there it was. As plain as day, as clear as crystal, as... smooth... as silk. Fuck, that doesn't work... you get the picture. It happened. And once ah-gayn, it continued..."

"ComeBack's a Bitch... two matches, one night. I not only had to participate in the first ever "The Faster and More Furious, The Better" competition, but it twas I, with just cause, saddled with a Swiss Army Title defense. And when I say WITH just cause, I mean the only reason I was given when I searched for an answer to such idiotic booking, was - 'Just cause.' Bumble-headed FOOLS!"

"Yes, the 'TFMFB' competition... with a shot at the OWTTM on the line. And even THOUGH-ALY I had a shot at the OWTTM already, I DESERVED two. Everyone needs a warm-up. Even Gods."

"But some punk kid named Corvon the Arachnophobiac or Steven the Nymphomaniac or some gobbledy-gookish garbage such as that stripped it away from me."

"And then?"

"AND THEN?!"

"In the cruelest twist of fate, a hand of cards dealt down upon-eth me in rave resucitation, I had the Swiss Army Belt STOLEN away from me..."

"By Death."

[The camera zooms out just a scoch, now finding the entirety of Axl's face... drenched in the black and white paint which has become one of his trademarks.]

"Death... you believe, in that thick skull of yours, that you can evade me for ever?"

"You began something that night. Something that will forever fester upon me as a scar about mine flesh..."

"You STOLE my Swiss Army Title... and then, after I won the OWTTM at Mano e Zeno... just when I thought my destiny... the PROPHECY had been fulfilled? You swept it all away from beneath my feet..."

[... Uhm, actually Axl, it was XXTreme Machine that pinned you for the OWTTM...]

"THAT NEVER HAPPENED!"

[But it's in the record books...]

"Lalalalalalalalalalalala -"

[Ugh... I can't believe I suck up to this guy so damn much for so little pay...]

"So yes Death, you've ripped my dreams apart time and again. But yet you... you are not the One."

"For it continued."

"At Massively Cool, I was in a tag match. And I was stuck with the Loseriest Boobie Loser in the Game that's a Loser and Loses Alot Cuz He's a Loserly Loser, Silliputti M. Putz. And on the opposite side of the ring? Nurse Heiney... and Death. But it wasn't Death who screwed me over this time, oh-ho-HO no... Not even Nurse Heineken. Twas the pontificatingly hazardonious SMB that which had done-eth me the dirty deed."

"He was in on it. Mr. Paradox? He too was in on it. As was his fellow sinners in Dimension E D C G P V T hamburger . Henry the Polkamaniac? In on it. And of course Big Deathy DROOL was in on it..."

"But were any of them the TRUE enemy?"

"No."

[The camera begins to zoom out ever so slowly, as Axl continues speaking...]

"People of this forsaken world of deflangulicousness... There is but one TRUE enemy."

"One man that has caused me suffering for over one whole YEAR."

"Today... I stand before you a bloodied... broken man."

"But NOT a beaten man."

"And I stand here... upon rich sand... palm trees in the distance... ocean as far as thy eye can see..."

"For I stand here... broken... bloody... but I stand here as a man with the one thing that HE does not have."

"Something he wants."

"Something I have."

[The camera continues to zoom out. Until...]

"... A reservation at a Hawaiian hotel, BITCH!"

[The camera now fully gathers the view... the sand is littered with trash. The ocean... awash with pollution. The trees... dead.]

[And the hotel... well, really, it's a motel. In fact, it's perhaps THE most crappiest, run-down, hell hole of an establishment on the entire island. But nevertheless... it IS Hawaii. ... Sorta.]

[Axl, bedecked in flapping, black trenchcoat and customary poser kit, is looking solemnly into the camera... almost through it... His hair partly covers his right eye, which is the style for all good little goth posers.]

"Yes, THE GREAT... I'm right here, smack dab in the middle of the very same place your hag of a wife is bitching her fool head off about. She's missing this... the splendor... the luxury. And who could blame her, I mean, this place is totally GORGEOUS, babe. [looks around him] ... Well, ok, so it's not entirely THE hottest spot on the isle, but hey, it's better than anything YOU could afford! And while Jim, Joe, Prophet, Pigeon, Pete, Steve, raYne, Tony, Viruz, and my lovely Rose all enjoy this resort, soaking it up until Totally Dead rolls around, you'll be back at home... sitting on your ass. Tapping away at a PS2 controller, and hoping upon hopes that you learn SOMETHING, ANYTHING that will save your soul from the unbridled fury of a hundred hounds of hell. Or atleast a poodle or two. A schnauzer, maybe. A schnauzer from hell. ..."

"But Great... I want you to know. I want you to know... you can't keep a secret from me. And you can't hide the TRUTH from the world forever."

"It's time it all came out. Because Great... I do know the Truth. And the Truth is, ..."

"YOU were behind it."

"2007... the year that should have been mine... that should have belonged to ME. It was ruined... and it was ruined by one man and one man alone."

"YOU."

"Don't you dare even think for a second you can slip the Truth behind these blood-shot eyes. Because Great, it all makes sense. The puzzle just fits together like pieces to a jig-saw... uh... puzzle."

"You tried to pull the wool over everyone's eyes. You tried to skew everyone's vision. But mine? My vision is 20/20. And I saw it from day one."

"From day one, SOMEONE was wrangling together each and every one of the obstacles... the hazards that stood in the center of the road of my journey to the destination of my GLORY."

"The Drunken Irish Fags."

"They never Truly existed. In reality, they were Lori and Nick in disguise. Lori didn't mind playing a gay guy. Nick... surprisingly didn't either."

"So when they eliminated me from the Swiss Army #1 Seed Battle Royale on SMC34? Truth is, I didn't REALLY lose my first match."

"Lori just scared the holy living fuck out of me with her femstache, so I had no choice but to eliminate myself. Simple as."

"Xamfar."

"Pretty simple. Little Johnny, brilliant mastermind that he is, built a cybernetic pirate, taped a stuffed parrot on his shoulder, and programmed bits of Xamfyr's mind into the robot's A.I. using old BoB Betamax Discs. He then sent this pirate, robot, Xamfer hybrid out to SCREW ME LIKE A DOG! A WHIMPERING, COWERING DOG, WITH A TUBE-SOCK FOR A TAIL! Damn Johnny... The little bastard."

"You replaced Bruce the Kleptomaniac with one of those Mexican midgets from Smackdown's 'Juniors' Division. You know, that way he wouldn't job. You ORCHESTRATED the swerve by Sillicone M. Potent, to have him leave me in the middle of my tag match against Nurse Hymen and Death. Because let's face it. Without you bribing him with like, a week's supply of mayonnaise, there's honestly no chance in HELL he'd leave a mega-star, such as myself, high and dry. And I'm talkin' the real GOOD mayonnaise. High dollar stuff."

"Because, Great? He knows better... and so do you."

"But the one person who doesn't know better? Death. And I know... I just KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that he's been your inside man all along. The man that, while you "supposedly" weren't a part of this company, he was putting the pawns in place... shifting the gears into motion... turning the key, starting the ignition, revving up the motor... and other phrases synonymous with 'kicking things off'."

"And when you first appeared on that building? The Rooftop Rumble, November in Nowhere?"

"You two had been planning it for MONTHS."

"Picking your spot... and when you had me aligned right where you wanted me?"

"POW!"

"Trigger pulled. Statement... made. And buddy boy... you made your statement."

"You told me, withought speaking a word, that you thought, somewhere in that orangutan-brained head of yours, that somehow you were better than me. And that if you could get an Original like Death on your side, then maybe, just maybe, you might just stand a chance of taking that strap."

"You'd take me out of contention."

"You'd save Death from the human onslaught that IS Axl."

"You'd get your measly little title shot."

"But then... you'd face the inevitable."

"You'd screw it to holy living hell, no matter if I interfered or not."

"And in the end, the only man that'd come out on top?"

"... Would be Death."

"But Great... I knew better."

"While you and Death spent over 12 months plotting and planning and conniving, it only took me one month to put MY plan into motion."

"For you see, dear sweet Great, I have done something... which you could never anticipate."
"Something that shall seal your fate. Something that, once you've realized it's True scope, you shall hate."
"Something in which you have already taken the bait. And babe... it's just too... damn... late."
"Right out of the gate, you've already been served your plate, and all that's left to do is wait."

"Already set in stone IS the date... but in addition to the match, something else I shall integrate."

"Something... eeeviiil."

"Great... why do you honestly believe I took on the role of referee in your match?"

"Do you think I HONESTLY wanted to screw you?"

"HA! Don't make me laugh. Great, I couldn't care LESS whether you are, or aren't the champion."

"For that matter, I couldn't care less if Death, SMP, or hell, Billy f'n Pollar held the belt."

"Because, jack? No matter who holds the title, if I wanted to, I could take it. It's only a matter of when, not a question of who. Or even how, where, why, or what."

"The sole reason I did what I did at New Horizon is thus;

I want to fight you.

I not only want to fight you, but I want to BEAT you.

Into the ground.

Around the ring.

Into the rafters.

Up and down the aisles.

Backstage.

In the streets.

To Hawaii...

To Nowhere...

To Kalamazoo, and all the way back to Sin City."

"Great... as Me as my witness, at Totally Dead, I SHALL finally... FINALLY... have my vengeance."

"And I want it in a no-holds-barred, anywhere-falls, no-disqualifications, Sin City STREETFIGHT."

"For one year... One whole year. I've allowed you to get away with practically murder. I've allowed for you to creep along, just so you could 'make your mark'."

"But Great... you chose the wrong man to use as an example."

"I am... no man's example."

"I Am... the TRUE Future of 'Brawlers', no matter how hard you practice on 'Know Your Role' and 'Shut Your Mouth'."

"And I AM..."

"... The only thing Truly 'Great' left in this industry."

"And don't you forget it."

~ Follow me... There's not that much else to do around here. ~

======================================================

(The Great has assembled his family on their couch like the opening credits of The Simpsons. Everybody is there, even the Mother in Law. They watch Axl’s promo, and during the beginning everything is pretty nonchalant except for The Great’s wife leaving momentarily to plop some waffles into the toaster for Little Johnny and Lori playing with her iPhone and Nick sleeping a bit. Everybody sits there with blank looks on their faces like they’d all been lobotomized until Axl finally gets around to blaming The Great and his family for every meaningful loss in his career. )

“The Great”: This guy has issues.

Nick: HA! He said you had a mustache!

Lori: So? He said you were gay!

Nick: Takes one to know one! Hey, Axl, I’m rubber and you are glue, what you say bounces off me and sticks on you!

Little Johnny: That is so juvenile. Mother, I wanted sugar on my waffles, not syrup.

The Great’s wife: Oh for crying out loud!

Nick: This is so cool! He said my name on television! What till I tell Mark!

“The Great”: The Great has said your name on television, and you’ve been on television. Nobody probably saw it, but nonetheless.

Nick: Yeah, but he’s a stranger!

The Great’s wife: I bet he’s a stranger with candy, picking up boys at recess. How dare he call me a hag!

“The Great”: Yeah.

The Great’s wife: Yeah, what? Aren’t you going to defend me?

“The Great”: Of course. Axl, The Great’s wife does not have a fool head.

The Mother in Law: Whuh whuh whah WHAH whuh.

“The Great”: No, Axl did not blame you for any of his losses, which is interesting, since he seems to have plenty to choose from. The Great, however, cannot relate. The Great cannot associate. For The Great hasn’t a loss, or a reason to validate.

The Great’s wife: Johnny, what did I tell you about creating cybernetic pirates? Go to your room!

Little Johnny: But Mother, I am innocent! What happened to the judiciary process in this imperialistic country? I have never constructed a cybernetic pirate, I’m too busy watching Weird Science numerous times to get the specific lightning storm jigga-watt influx to build my very own Kelly LeBrock.

“The Great”: Okay, enough of this. Axl, although The Great enjoys your elaborate excuse as to why you lose so often, it is not due to The Great’s family. One loss you WILL be able to attach to the Great is the one you will SUFFER from The Great at Totally Dead. The Great accepts your street fight challenge.

You try and blame The Great’s family for your shortcomings when The Great was still a twinkle in professional wrestling’s eye. The Great wonders who Rose blames for your shortcomings? Heredity, perhaps? The Great heard rumors your father was a Vienna Sausage.

The Great’s wife: Nick, go to your room.

Nick: Aww, mah! For what?

The Great’s wife: Daddy’s talking about private parts and sexual innuendo.

Nick: Awwwww, maaaaaaan!

“The Great”: One thing is for sure, Axl. The Great is going to pound your head until your eye sockets bleed. The Great is going to Twist of Great you until your face, drenched in the black and white paint which has become one of your trademarks, even though it’s not truly a trademark since you look like at least two people The Great has seen before. Yeah, The Great is going to Twist of Great you until your face is as flat as the Kansas plains.

Umm, if you smell what The Great’s wife is cooking------ it’s in the microwave.

The Great will grace you at Totally Dead. Then leave you----totally dead.

(All of sudden, before the camera can totally fade out, The Great’s left eyebrow involuntarily twitches and curls up.)
======================================================
======
Glass Shatters
======

[Motel 4 & 1/2 has seen some wild and crazy times. People have died. Theft has been commited on numerous occasions. Good times. But never has life inside and outside Kahannawannakawookielookietaheenamahojahukalo, Hawaii's finest (and only) motel been so nuts as it has been for the last day and a half. No, noone can get down right insane like the Hierarchy.]

[Ever since Axl cut his first promo for 'Totally Dead', things have only become more and more hectic. raYne and Tony have been caught countless times getting "frisky" by the motel owner, and been warned over and over again that if they want to "do the naughty", they'll have to quit doing it privately in their room and join the others in the 'Orgy Room'. Viruz has been using his laptop to hack into the motel's records, to try and lower the group's rent. Unfortunately, with the motel owner being a perverted sicko, Axl's brother's computer only ended up flooded with a shitload of scat porn. Pun not inten - ... aw screw it.]

[Pigeon has used everything in sight as a toilet, even going so far as to perch right on top of the motel owner's bald head and take a dump. Of course, dirty old man that he is, the owner seemed to enjoy it. This strangely aroused Pigeon. I'd rather not go any further. Let's just say... feathers were ruffled.]

[Steve Roydz has been jogging up and down the beach. But with the mounds and mounds of junk that's piled up along the sands, it's been more of a bootcamp obstacle course than a beach. Ya doin' alright there, Steve?]

Steve: GRRR!!! These damn tires are gettin' in the way. Whoa, here comes the rope!

[... You want me to narrate this? Ok... Well, Steve is climbing a rope... up what SEEMS to be one of those wooden towers you'd find in... well, a bootcamp obstacle course.]

Steve: *grunting* This... is... the hardest work-out... I've EVER gotten... from a jog. If I don't make it, I'm gonna hafta... I'm just gonna hafta... *finally makes it up and over, and looks into the camera, flexing his muscles* GRRR!!!

[... Huh. Well, anyway...]

[The "X Factor" has been battle rapping with every single person who walks in to get a room.]

Pete: *a black-haired woman walks in, who looks very tired and ready for some rest* YO, YO, YO, YO!

Woman: Sir, please, I've had a really tough day, and -

Pete: Dawg, you look like you just woke up out the wrong side ah bed,
You probably wish you could hit that sack and rest yo' head -

Woman: Seriously... sir. I'd just like to grab a room and -

Pete: But the Trable Man is here, ready tah bust that funky fresh flow!
So YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO YO -

[Finally, having had as much as she can take, the woman reaches back, before delievering a straight fist, right to Trable's face. The punch knocks the "X Factor" for a loop, as he lifts a hand to his face...]

Pete: Yo... that's one wicked ass punch for a chick...

[The lady walks over to the owner's counter...]

Woman: *speaking to the owner* Room for one please.

[After receiving her room, she begins to leave... before turning around and glaring at Trable.]

Woman: And for your information, I happen to be a professional WRESTLER. I've beaten men twice your size, and made them BEG for mercy. Maybe if you got into the business, you'd learn a thing or two about defending yourself!

[The woman then turns around and heads for her room, leaving Pete latching onto his jaw with one hand, his forehead with the other. He looks up toward the departing woman, with a scowl on his face.]

Pete: GET in da bidness... shit, I AM da bidness... hadn't she nevah hurrd ah BoB? DAMN yo... *eyes the owner* What da crunk iz dat bee-yotch's first name?

Owner: Victoria.

Pete: *turns his gaze back at the woman, as she opens the door to her room and heads inside* Damn, I hate divas...

[And finally, and most importantly, since well, he's the Only Man in the Company that Matters, Axl has spent the whole time in his room... resting on the stained mattress... arms folded around his bent knees... staring blankly ahead of himself. Staring... seething with rage at what he has witnessed before his eyes.]

"Rose... ... Rose..."

[Rose sits beside our hero... legs crossed over the side of the bed, as she gently runs her fingers through Axl's raven black hair.]

Rose: Yes, what is it my love?

"Rose... do... do I..."

Rose: It is quite alright, my dear, you can ask of me anything you wish. I will bring glimmering light to all that which you seek.

"Rose..."

Axl: Do I have a... vienna sausage?

Rose: ...

Axl: I mean, would you say it's like... like a little smokie, or like a big hunk of salami?

Rose: ... EW! Axl, like, what the fuck are you on about? ... My love. ...

Axl: Well, it's just... oh, I dunno, that "The Great" guy has me questioning my manhood. I mean... this one time? I accidentally... sorta... well, I kinda...

Rose: SPIT IT OUT!

Axl: I WALKED IN ON MY DAD TAKING A PISS, AND HE HAD THIS REALLY TINY PENIS, AND I THINK I MIGHT HAVE ONE TOO! ...

Rose: ... Well... We haven't... done it yet.

Axl: And... ?

Rose: Well... wanna do it?

Axl: Sure.

*5 minutes later*

Rose: Well damn... fuck, if I'd known this shit, I wouldn't have started throwing my life away and acting like some emo. I could have SWORN we did it when we were hair metal wannabes...

Axl: No... actually, back then, I did it with every chick BUT you. ... Of course, it always only lasted 5 minutes, so I didn't count it as cheating.

Rose: FUCK... Now what the hell am I supposed to do the rest of this God-forsaken vacation?

Axl: Oh, hell, I don't know, maybe you could PREPARE FOR YOUR MATCH!

Rose: ... I don't HAVE a match, REMEMBER?! Axl, do you even keep track of my schedule?

Axl: And why in the crimson red FUCK should I keep track of YOUR schedule?! It's not like it has anything to do with MY schedule! My schedule consists of brooding... eating... brooding... watching tv... more brooding... sleeping... oh, and brooding. While yours? Phfff, all you ever do is, what... eat, sleep, and watch tv.

Rose: And don't forget the brooding!

Axl: Yes, of course. ... Wait. Rose, did you notice there was a cameraperson in here?

Rose: Oh my GOD, Chuck!

Cameraguy Chuck: Hey.

Rose: Chuck, get the fuck out!

Cameraguy Chuck: Heh. That totally rhymes. Fuck... chuck. Fuck. Chuck. Fuck chuck. Fuck Chuck!

Axl: You're damn right, fuck Chuck! Fuck you Chuck, and get the fuck outta here!

Cameraguy Chuck: Testy, testy...

[Axl rips the lamp off the night stand and chucks it at ... Chuck. The Camerguy hurridly rushes out of harm's way...]

*CRASH!!!*

[... as the lamp shatters against the now closed door.]

Rose: FUCK!!! Now I've got to - ... AW, FUCK!!! Dammit Axl, clean up this glass!

[Oh no... the lamp... shattered. Glass... aw hell...]

*"Stupidify" by GwarTellica, featuring Disturbinated, hits on... uh... an invisible boom-box. Hey, it's 12:30am central time, I got nothin'...*

[The door swings open, and in comes... or should I say, STOMPS, the owner of the motel, with his bald head snapping from side to side with every step he takes... wearing a black vest, some torn jean shorts, and a knee brace for no reason whatsoever at all.]

[The owner stops, looks at the couple, covered only by their shame. Mostly Axl's...]

[He looks down... and finds the shattered glass.]

Owner: Well looky here, ya mili-vanili mouthed BASTARDS! *looks up at Axl and Rose* You two got some splainin' tah do fer ol' "Stone Cold" Motel Owner! Ya gad dam better get tah talkin' 'fore I open up a big ol' can ah whoop the ass!

Axl: Well, sir -

Owner: EH-EH!!! If you two ugly lil' sumBITCHES think fer even one damn SECOND that ol' "Stone Cold" Motel Owner ain't gonna stomp a damn mudlick in yer asshole and walk that sorry sumbitch dry, then gad-DAM you gotta 'nother thing comin'! Now, this here Hawaiian Garter Snake is gonna give you two mule-faced cow donkies three lil' ol' ticks on the Bionic RingMaster's watch tah get the h-e-double-hell right on outta here, 'fore I open up ONE - WHAT?! - TWO - WHEN?! - THREE - WHERE?! - FOUR - WHY?! - FIVE - HOW?! - can ah whoopin' of ass!

[The owner looks at his wrist... taps it a bit, lifts it to his ear... before lowering it and looking at it again...]

Owner: ... 1.

Axl: Oh come ON! We're not going to leave just because you threaten us! I'm a wrestling SUPERNOVA, a GOD amongst mortals! I'm not going to -

Owner: 2!!!

Axl: Come Rose, I think if we hurry we can catch a cab!

Rose: ... Axl, we're on a BEACH. The crappiest beach on Earth, but still a beach! I don't think there's going to be any taxis pulling up -



Rose: OH YEAH RIGHT!

[Hey, I need to get some damn rest. Either you hop that taxi, or I have the scat-starved Stone Cold rip-off kick BOTH your asses.]

Rose: OK! Jeez... Cabbie, I guess we'll be heading to the airport.

Cabbie: I only exist until the script reads 'fade to black'.

Rose: SONOFABITCH!!! Axl didn't even call that bastard any funny names!

Axl: Nick-

Rose: WRONG BASTARD!

Axl: - you may be rubber, and I may glue, but... glue is the tie that binds. ... Or atleast the adhesive that binds. ... Fuck it, we're outta here. Utah, here we come...

~ fade to black ~
======================================================
(The Great has been doing the usual the past couple of weeks or so since his last promo. Working out, doing steroids, working out, getting nagged by the wife, and watching other promos in the Brawler’s on a Budget. He has just finished watching Dr. Plants’ latest offering with the wife on his couch and we pick up from there.)

“The Great”: You see? The Great is not the only one paddling away on the Bankrupt Ocean towards Chapter 11 Island. Dr. Plants looks as though he’s in need of money as well. You don’t see him getting constantly pushed into a second job, do you?

The Great’s wife: He doesn’t have kids to support! He can’t live off do-overs just like you can’t support our children on simply being undefeated. Besides that, he’s a doctor. I’m sure he’s making a lot more money at one job than you are.

“The Great”: It doesn’t appear so.

The Great’s wife: Perhaps not. But watching him does give me an idea. I want a boob job!

“The Great”: Since we’re peers now in the Brawler’s on a Budget, The Great is sure The Great can arrange something.

The Great’s wife: What?! Not with HIM! He’s a quack! I don’t want my boobs to be all messed up like that one lady’s. How do you make a titty look like a pool boy?

“The Great”: It would take some, ummm, great skill The Great would assume.

The Great’s wife: Well never mind that, you get me an appointment with a real plastic surgeon and get me a boob job. It could enhance our sex life!

“The Great”: Are they offering facelifts with augmentations now?

The Great’s wife: Oh for crying out loud! You’re such an ass face!

“The Great”: Ass face? Isn’t that like the pot calling the kettle black or something?

The Great’s wife: You do realize a have a gun in my purse, don’t you?

“The Great”: Before The Great digs a hole The Great can not climb out of, The Great also noticed that Axl has also been talking recently. His skits are a bizarre melting pot of gay sex, computerized doo-doo porn, a man taking a dump on other another man’s head, another guy struggling through an obstacle course, a wigger getting beaten up by a lady, and Axl himself questioning his girlfriend about the small size of his penis and the disturbing admittance of Axl eyeballing his father’s wang while he pisses. Then to top it all off he has some cheap Steve Austin rip-off threaten to beat him senseless and then he calls Nick a bastard.

The Great’s wife: Nick? Our Nick? Nick was conceived in wedlock. Now Lori on the other hand--- this guy is stupid.

“The Great”: He’s stupid, yes. But he’s a cornered, dangerous kind of stupid. Axl can’t afford to lose to The Great. Axl is a former champion in the Brawler’s on a Budget. He’s held the Swiss Army Belt Title and the very title he cheated The Great out of at New Horizon, THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. With that résumé, it would be quite embarrassing for Axl to lose to The Great, since The Great has only had two matches. But guess what? Axl is going to be embarrassed, just like Pete Trable must have been by getting slapped around by a woman. Poor Pete Trable, how did a guy like that and Pigeon get associated with Axl?

The Great’s wife: Why are you asking me? How the hell would I know?

“The Great”: The Great was not really asking you. It was a generalized statement.

The Great’s wife: Whatever! I’m going shopping!

“The Great”: The Great is not surprised.

(The Great’s wife leaves. As soon as she is off screen The Great’s 10 year old son, Nick joins The Great on the couch.)

Nick: What ya doing, Dad?

“The Great”: Preparing for The Great’s next match. Against Axl.

Nick: Oh.

“The Great”: What’s the problem, son? The Great notices that you seem a bit melancholy today.

Nick: Huh?

“The Great”: You seem saddened.

Nick: Kids at school are calling me gay since Axl said I was one of The Drunken Irish Fags.

“The Great”: How’s that possible? The Great can’t imagine any kid at your school watching an Axl promo.

Nick: Well somebody did! They keep singing, Nick is a Drunk Irish Faaaag! Nick is a Drunk Irish Faaaaag!

“The Great” But we’re not Irish, did you tell them that? You don’t drink, you’re a kid. Did you tell them that? And you’re not gay. Get a girlfriend and prove them wrong.

Nick: Yucky!

“The Great”: Oh, The Great forgot you’re only 10 and girlfriends are still a couple years away. Didn’t you use rubber and glue against them?

Nick: Yeah. They said only fags say that.

“The Great:” Right. They might have you, there. The Great remembers somebody else using that recently as well. Hmmmm. Oh well, use the old reliable. Tell them if they say that again you’re going to go to their ass. Well, maybe not go to their ass, but kick their ass.

Nick: Cool! I can say ass too?

“The Great”: You better stick with butt.

Nick: But then that sounds gay.

“The Great”: Again, you’ve stumped The Great. It’s a Catch 22. Just ignore them. Anything you say will backfire, you’re caught between the rock and the hard place. Just like Axl----

And Axl--- if you’re out there listening to The Great, listen to The Great very closely.

The Great respects your accomplishments. The Great realizes that you’re a main cog in the Brawler’s on a Budget machine. But The Great does not care. The Great will have no mercy on you.

And The Great--- will grace you soon.

(The Great gets up, flexes, and begins to walk away.)

Nick: Dad, where are you going now? More lifting?

“The Great”: No, The Great has to go call Little Johnny’s Kindergarten teacher and explain to her why he was breaking down the elements of rubber cement and crayons to create a fusion enriched explosive instead of playing dodge ball with his classmates the other day. Damn teachers, they take everything so seriously now. When The Great was in school---- you know what? Never mind.

Nick: Okay. Hey Dad, when you go to wrestle, can you get Kid Pirate’s autograph? He’s cool! I want one of those parrots!

“The Great”: That’s a---- GREAT idea, my boy. The Great can hear it now---

RAAAARK, NAGGING BITCH, NAGGING BITCH, RAAAARK!

Nick: What?

“The Great”: Oh nothing. The Great was a having a moment to The Great’s self. It was most joyful, albeit brief.

The Great is coming for you, Axl. And you can’t stop---- The Great.
The Great will dominate.
The Great will mutilate.

And The Great will exterminate.

Don’t hate. Appreciate----

THE GREAT!

(cut to commercials.)
======================================================
======
The Ol' Switcheroo...
======

- scene : residence of evil - sinister city, utah. -

[Axl is standing before a full-length mirror in one of the home's hallways. He stands there... downtrodden look covering his face, as he stares at his paint-covered face, shirtless torso, and ever-present pair of Tripp jeans. One week has passed since the Hierarchy left the polluted shores of Kahannawannakawookielookietaheenamahojahukalo, Hawaii. And as they arrived back home, their king... BoB's Savior... found himself just as depressed as he was when he first set sail to leave the island. The bitter cold facts had begun swirling around in his head. He tried to comfort himself with the idea that, soon, he would prove to be the TRUE Great One in the land of Brawlers. But with every glance at his girlfriend, and every glare he received... he felt smaller... and smaller. Rose glared at him on the way home, as if he were nothing... as if he were not a man, but a small child...]



[As Axl stands before the mirror... glancing down at his lower body... contemplating the past seven days... Rose slinks in from behind. She places a hand on her mate's shoulder...]

Rose: Axl... I think some changes need to be made.

Axl: ... Changes? What... KIND of changes?

Rose: Well. For our relationship to continue... for our love to prosper, and not die out before its even had a chance to begin... I think one... TINY adjustment needs to be made.

Axl: And what is that, my love? I would do anything for you. I would lift the mountains so you may not have to climb... I would part the oceans, so you may not have to swim. I would feed Martin Lawrence to a pack of rabid spider monkeys so you may not have to sit through another god-awful sequel to "Big Momma's House". Anything!

Rose: That is quite good, for you see Axl... you've proven to me that... well... how should I put this... Your dick's about as big as the needle on a record player.

Axl: ...

Rose: But fret not, my lover. For, at first, I had intended on finding someone else when we returned home. Someone that could please me sexually. Someone that, at the very least, wouldn't look like a 2 year old below the waist.

Axl: ...

Rose: BUT... I have decided upon something much better.

Axl: You want me to buy a penis pump?

Rose: No... besides, we couldn't afford that, even on all eight members of the Hiearchy's pay combined. Axl... You are a good person. You are caring... compassionate... loving... and extremely humble.

Axl: Of course. In fact, I'm probably THE most goddam humble person in the entire world! I out-humble everybody else COMBINED!

Rose: But, you're not a very good man.

Axl: WHAT?! And what exactly do you mean by that?

Rose: Well... come on, Axl, let's face facts here. You try and you try, but no matter what you do, no matter WHAT steps you take... you just can't convince people you're not... well... gay.

Axl: BUT I'M NOT! I wouldn't be with you if I were, would I?! ... Would I?

Rose: Well...

Axl: ... Fuck. Rose, how many times have I told you... hell, how many times did I tell Tifa, and how many times have I told every last member of BoB. I...am...not...GAY!

Rose: But what about the fact that you named your stable with Jonny, Jimmy, and Joey GAYY, originally?

Axl: That was a damn coincidence, and you know it!

Rose: Alright, well, what about the fact that you wore make-up BEFORE, and NOW you wear lipstick and fingernail polish?

Axl: Simple. All hair metalists have always worn make-up. And all goths? They of course wear lipstick and fingernail polish. It's the Truth, and nothin' but.

Rose: Fine. How about the fact that one of your finishers was the KISS OF DEATH, in which you'd french kiss your opponent, which was always a guy, SO hard and for SO long that you'd force them to submit?! If that ain't gay, I don't know WHAT the hell is.

Axl: ... Ok, maybe that was a... a TAD gay... but...

Rose: Axl, you can't tell me, with a straight face, lookin' me square in the eyes, that you've never once thought about kissing a man. About being held by a man. About being... touched... by a man?

Axl: ... GET OUTTA MY HEAD, WOMAN!!!

Rose: Axl... enough's enough. And it's time for a change.

Rose: From now on... I'm the man in this relationship. And YOU'RE the woman.

Axl: ... WHAT?!?!?! Fuck that! I... I... ...

Rose: Besides... if we're going to have a truthful, honest relationship, I might as well tell you. While you were in business with Tifa, and we were apart... I was seeing someone else.

Axl: ... So?

Rose: ... That someone else was a woman.

Axl: ... EWWW!!! YOU'RE A LESBO?! Dammit, I knew there musta been a reason you had that double-ended dildo in the top drawer... FUCK.

Rose: Well... I'm not exactly a lesbian. I'm... I'm bi. And I didn't expect you to be so grossed out by it... *sigh*

Axl: Well, what did you expect?! Me, being as so totally not gay as I Am, afterall, I hate the thought of even two WOMEN in the sack doin' the boingety-boing!

Rose: The... boingety-boing??? ... Axl, if you have such a problem with lesbians, why did I find all that lesbian porn on your computer two days before we left for Hawaii?

Axl: ... Research.

Rose: Research for WHAT?!

Axl: Uh... on how to please a woman? Because dude, this one chick was making this other chick moan like, oh-my-GOD... like she had about twenty-two dicks shoved into her vagina simultaneously! And like they say, noone knows how tah please a chick like another chick.

Rose:

Axl:

Rose: My point is, between the two of us, I probably have more masculine hormones in my little toe than you do in your entire body.

Axl: So you're saying you're... what, a hermaphrodite?

Rose: AXL!!!

Axl:

Rose: A switch must be made. And if you agree... then we'll use the double-ended dildo tonight. ;D

Axl: But... I don't have a vagina?

Rose: I know.

Axl: ...

Rose:

- scene fade -

- scene : residence of evil, master bedroom -

Axl: UNH-UNH-UNH-UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNH!

[Damn, sounds like Shawn Michael's theme song or somethi- OH DEAR LORD!!!]

Rose: WHO'S MY BITCH? WHO'S MY DRESS-WEARING, HIGH-HEELED, SMALL-DICKED BITCH?!

Axl: I am... I Am... I AM!!!

[Oh criminy, I did NOT need to see this... Rose and Axl are on the Queen-sized bed, and... well, I hope you can guess what they're doing, because I'm sure as hell not going to describe it...]

Rose: *smacks Axl's ass* Say my name!

Axl: ROOSE1

Rose: ... Roose? And what's with the fuckin' '1'?

Axl: I'm so horny I can't even speak without typos and wandering digits! I'm so horny, my dick's almost grown to a full... 2 and a half inches!

Rose: YOU BET YOUR FUCKIN' ASS IT HAS! YOUR GONNA TAKE THIS **** UP YOUR *** SO HARD I'M GONNA... I'M GONNA...

Steve Roydz: GRRR!!!

Rose: Steve, go back to your room, before I make you eat me out! AND I HAVEN'T DOUCHED IN FIVE WEEKS!!!

Steve Roydz: Yegh... yes, ma'am. ... GRRR!!!

[As Steve leaves the room, raYne and Tony come in...]

raYne: OOOO! After you're done with Axl, tee-hee, can I take a turn?

Tony: Aww, no fair raYne-y baby! You always get da shaft. When's it gonna be my toin tah take it up da rear, ovah hee-yah?

raYne: Don't worry, you'll get your turn babe. But, speaking of taking it up the ass, in two weeks, The World's Gayest Tag Team is going to join Axl's brother, inside the circled square, and we're going to be taking on one absolute, total HUNK of an Angel... and two total, gag-me-with-a-spoon, barf-o-licous, ugly, creepy... creeps!

Tony: Should be a cake walk, eh, sugar cakes?

raYne: No question, snuggle bunny.

Tony: Hey, Rose, Axl, ya think we could join yooz guys?

raYne: Yeah! Four-ways totally reek of awesomeness!

*Tony and raYne high-five*

[Viruz walks in, grabs the both of them, and drags them out of the room.]

[But, as soon as he does this, Pete Trable and Pigeon walk in. Upon seeing Axl being butt-fucked ten ways till Tuesday, Pete's eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. Pigeon becomes oddly aroused. Man, this guy has some very peculiar sexual fascinations...]

Trable: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!
Axl, Rose, you two is some sick mo-fo's.
Axl, your girl's got herself one long ass bo-bo.
Hell, that thang be eight, no, nine, no, TEN times biggah than yo'z!
She be makin' you takin' it up yo' ass ho', like a ho!
She burstin' with masculinity out her little toe.
But yuz still my Savior, mein, and I guess you should know,
That that's the real shiz-nit. Word life, fo' sho'!

Pigeon: Word... to your mother. ... My mother left me at the age of nine. She left me in a cardboard box home... with a glass bottle for a toilet. And rat feces for supper. I was a young boy, living in the alleys of the most poverty-stricken areas of our country. I would move, constantly, from street... to street. With nowhere to go... but the next town, the next city. The next street corner. The next alley-way.

Pigeon: I came here to BoB to find my inner calling. What I found? Was more heart-ache... and more heart-break. But one man... ONE MAN... was able to lead me where Michelle never could. And that is to the top... and that man? Axl.

Axl: Rose, can you pull the dildo out, I don't think we're going to be left alone anytime soon...

Rose: Hey... you want them to join us?

Axl: I'M NOT GAY!!!

Rose: Oh come ON, you just literally took it up the backside. What more proof do you WANT?!

Pigeon: Axl, I want to thank you... Thank you from the bottom of a cold, black heart... for taking a once pitiful waste of flesh, and molding him into what can be called a man... What about Pigeon? I'll tell you what! From now on, I've turned over a new feather. From now on... I will not back down. I will not let down the thousands of members of the Pigeon's Flock out there... And I will not let myself down. What about Pigeon?

Pigeon: What about thou?

Axl: What about... PIGEON. PETER. Get the f' out!!!

Peter: Get the f' out? Yo, fuck them pandas. They can go back tah Bangkok.
And as fah Mistah Paradox... that sucka can suck... muh...

[As Pete holds an invisible microphone into the air, Axl's new bodyguard, Steve Roydz, walks in, grabs Pete and Pigeon, and drags them out of the room, FINALLY leaving the couple by themselves.]

[Rose and Axl have slipped under the covers, with Axl resting his head on Rose's ample chest... Axl coos softly, as he snuggles closely to his motherly... or perhaps fatherly... girlfriend...]

[Rose hugs Axl close to her, with an arm over his shoulder, as she brushes the hair out of his eyes, and kisses him softly on the forehead.]

Rose: See? What did I tell you? This is much better... isn't it?

Axl: I love you... daddy.

Rose: I love you, too.

~ Believe ... or Be Left. ~
======================================================
(St. Louis, Missouri. The Great’s home. The Great’s dinner table, surrounded by The Great and his family. And the Mother in Law. Carry-out for dinner. Chinese. You expected a home cooked meal? The Great’s wife notices a sulky The Great. She inquires about The Great’s downturn.)

The Great’s wife: Honey, what’s wrong? You seem sullen and gloomy and you’re not eating.

“The Great”: The Great is feeling drained from Valentine’s Day.

The Great’s wife: Oh yeah, you were a real stud the other night! I had multiples!

Nick: Multiple what?

Lori: (without looking up from her iPhone. )T.M.I., mom! That’s soooooo T.M.I.!

“The Great”: The Great was referring to The Great’s finances after the Valentine’s Day. The Great doesn’t understand the need for a stuffed animal purchase of a pink and red hound dog bigger than our living room. It’s ridiculous. With that, the roses, the chocolates, the, umm, sexy lingerie, and the new Mercedes, The Great thought The Great would wallow in self pity for a day or two.

The Great’s wife: Well that’s what I wanted, and Valentine’s Day is MY day.

Nick: Multiple what?

Lori: Shut-up, retard. They’re talking about sex.

Nick: GROSS!

Little Johnny: Father, if the purchase of some uranium is totally out of the question, I was wondering if you think you’d qualify for a loan perhaps? I really need some. Or maybe some plutonium? I’d have to recalculate some formulas, but I gather I could locate some cheaper than uranium on the black market.

The Mother in Law: Whah whuh whuh whuh WHAH?

Little Johnny: On nothing like that. Just a little project for advanced molecular science. This is the first year they’ve offered the class in Kindergarten.

Nick: You lie! They did not!

Little Johnny: Certainly they did. It’s sandwiched right between story time and graham crackers and milk break.

Nick: MOM! Tell him to stop lying!

“The Great”: Kids, please. The Great is not feeling well. The Great has a weird sensation after revealing a secret to a coworker.

The Great’s wife: You’re not gay, are you?

“The Great”: No, The Great is definitely not gay.

Nick: But his next opponent is! HAH!

The Great’s wife: Nick, that’s not nice, even if he called you gay and a bastard. Hey, wait a minute. You don’t have to be nice to him.

Nick: Cool! Can I say that he’s so gay that every time he farts, that it doesn’t make a sound, because his butthole is all stretched out from being gay?

The Great’s wife: I suppose. Now shut-up so I can talk to your dad. What’s this secret you revealed, huh? Are you cheating on me?

“The Great”: No, The Great is not cheating on you. The Great confided to a coworker his true identity.

The Great’s wife: So?

“The Great”: The Great told him what The Great does in the real world for an occupation. He pointed and laughed at The Great.

The Mother in Law: Whah whah whuh whuh whuh whuh.

“The Great”: He said with a job like that, The Great could never translate towards a successful career in professional wrestling. That put The Great in a sad state.

Nick: A sad state? Like Indiana?

Little Johnny: Please desist with that milk-fed pubescent quibble.

The Great’s wife: Boys! Stop that! Who was this person? Was he anybody important?

“The Great”: No. He was a little used intern brought in sometimes for gimmicked spots where he’d don a mask and lay down for bigger stars.

The Great’s wife: Well so what then? He’s a loser! You’re going to be a big star and then he can lay down for you.

“The Great”: That’s thinking of the glass as half full.

The Mother in Law: Whah whah whah WHUH whah WHUH whah WHUH.
“The Great”: Oh yes. The Great certainly hopes to be a bigger star from St. Louis than Juanita Wright.

Nick: Mom? Can we get McDonalds? These noodles don’t make the hungries go away.

Little Johnny. Oh--my---Lord. Nicolas, did you just say hungries?

The Great’s wife: Honey, go get the kids some McDonalds.

“The Great”: But why? The Great thought you’d take every opportunity imaginable to drive the new Benz.

The Great’s wife: Good point!

(She quickly gets up and leaves.)

“The Great”: Besides, The Great has to further prepare for Axl, because Axl will not defeat The Great. The Great has studied and played Raw vs. Smackdown 2004 in season mode until The Great’s fingers bled. The Great has all the moves. The Great has supplemented The Great’s workout. The Great is stronger than ever. You might say The Great is stronger than a bear, but not an arctic-circle bear. There’s nothing POLAR about The Great.

But The Great is stronger than a bear. Like a grizzly bear--- with gigantic, steroid enhanced rippling muscles.

Nick: DAD! You take steroids?

Little Johnny: * sigh * Such a dullard. Suuuuuch a dullard.

“The Great”: It’s a metaphor, Nick.

Little Johnny: CURSES!

“The Great”: Problem, Johnny?

Little Johnny: I forgot to tell the Mother NOT to get me one of those infernal Happy Meals ®. The toys are insulting!

The Mother in Law: (pointing at Little Johnny.) WHAH WHAH!

(end)
======================================================
======
The Date
======

+ = + scene : the residence of evil / sinister city, utah + = +

[Rose is sitting on the sofa, flipping through channels... when the front door swings open, and Axl walks in with a bag full of shoes from the local shopping center. Axl is wearing a dark black, lace peasant blouse, with a hot pink sash. He also wears a pair of dark black, satin pants, some jet black eyeliner, and his usual, black lipstick and fingernail polish. He steps out of the camera's view with the bag of shoes, before returning to the sofa, as Rose begins to speak.]

Rose: Ya know, *flipping the remote* That 'Great' guy... he got his wife a stuffed dog... chocolate... flowers... and a MERCEDES.

Axl: And don't forget the sexy lingerie! Which reminds me... I have a surprise for you tonight.

Rose: But Axl, even though I'm the guy, I feel like I deserved something for Valentine's Day... ANYTHING. Or atleast, we coulda GONE somewhere. But we didn't do crap on Thursday... I sat around and watched tv, while you went shopping. The same old shit.

Axl: Oh... well... How about this. We have a date, today, to make up for Valentine's Day. Ok, babe?

Rose: Sure.

Axl: ... Is that it? 'Sure'? I thought you really wanted to go out on a date with me?

Rose: Oh come on now, honey...

Axl:

Rose: Ohhh, dear... *Rose stands from the sofa, and walks over to Axl, comforting him, as he rests his head on her shoulder* You know I love you, don't you baby?

Axl: I... Yes, I guess...

Rose: There, there, that's a good girl... I love you, honey.

Axl: I love you too...

Rose: That's my sugar-bear. Now, go get me a beer before we leave.

Axl:

Rose: ;D

+ = + scene : burger resteraunt / sinister city, utah + = +

[We re-open upon the sidewalk of a burger resteraunt, named... Burger Resteraunt. ...]

[Axl and Rose are walking hand in hand, swinging their arms to and fro, seeming merry and... well, gay. Atleast, Axl.]

Axl: HEY!

[Seriously dude, how many men not only wear makeup, lipstick, and fingernail polish, but do so while SKIPPING?!]

Axl: I'm just happy! Can a guy be happy for cryin' out loud?!

Rose: Who are you talking to, honey?

Axl: ... *looks at Rose* ... *looks in front of him, while the couple walk* ... Uh... Hey, lookit that resteraunt! Let's go in and have a bite to eat!

Rose: Did you make sure to take your medicine? You've been talking to yourself alot lately... It's almost as if there's an invisible entity detailing all the events that occur within our lives...

Axl: I can assure you there's no such Narrator.

Rose: ...

Axl: ... HEY! This poster says they have 'Huge Sloppy Burgers, Dripping with Fat and Grease. Made From Brutally Slaughtered Animals. May Contain Battery Acid.' Sounds delish!

Rose: ... "Delish"? Axl... you're gay.

Axl: I AM NOT!

Rose: I'm glad we made that agreement, anyway... I have bigger balls than you do, and I don't even have any!

Axl: Well... I have a bigger vagina than you, and I don't even... Wait, what was I getting at?

Rose: That you're gay.

Axl: Exactly! I'm - *exagerrated, cartoonish double-take* HUUUH!!! Rose! For the very last time, I'm not gay, and I never WAS gay. And the only reason I agreed to be the woman... is because I like shoes.

Rose: ... Huh?

Axl: Yes. Definitely. ... I mean, I must have SOME female hormones or some weird, science-y thing. What else would explain the fact that I like to shop for hours on end in the shoe department?

Rose: ... Let's get a burger. Quickly... Before I lose my lunch.

Axl: And some shoes!

Rose: Ugh... maybe I should rethink going out with you again...

+ = + time warp + = +

[It is a few minutes later. Axl and Rose are sitting in a corner booth. Rose is scarfing down a big, greasy burger, while Axl is picking off one fry at a time...]

Rose: *burps* Axl, can you pass the ketchup. There's still some spots on this burger that aren't dripping in red...

Axl: You put, like, waaay too much ketchup on your burgers. *passes the ketchup, with an arched eyebrow* Why don't ya just grab a hamburger bun and smother it with ketchup? Bypass the beef altogether...

Rose: *pours the ketchup across the span of the meat, before slapping the bread back ontop* The beef gives the ketchup flavor. *takes a giant bite out of the ketchup-burger, before letting out another burp*

Axl: Crimeny... There's hardly any ketchup left for my fries...

Rose: Use mustard.

Axl: ...

Rose: Ya know - *bites into her burger, and speaks while chewing* - Akjdjkij gksokdoj klfkslk -

Axl: EWWW! Don't eat with your mouth full!

Rose: ...

Axl: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! YUCK! That is sooo totally icky!

Rose: *burps, loudly*

Axl: *shoves fries away* Yuck. I'm not eating anymore.

Rose: Dammit, I'm the guy here!

[Everyone in the resteraunt instantly look toward the couple, with odd expressions on their faces.]

Rose: *looking at the other customers, yelling, while Axl tries to hide his face* YA GOT A PROBLEM?! *looks at an old man* WHAT?! Do I AMUSE you?!

Old man: Yes.

Rose: ... SON-OF-A-BITCH, I'M GONNA -

[Rose begins to leap out of her chair, when Axl springs from his chair, and yanks Rose out of the resteraunt by the arm. When they get outside, Axl stands before Rose, with a face blushed with embarrasment.]

Axl: What in the HELL was that?!

Rose: Axl, I'm the man, you're the chick, so like I said, things are going to have to change. You act like a woman, that's fine with me. But I'm going to act like a man. And I choose my own battles. I fight my own battles. And I don't need some damn woman to fight them for me! YA HEAR ME, STEPHANIE?!

Axl: ... Stephanie?

Rose: ... Er...

Axl: Rose... Who's Stephanie? Is she that girl you were talking about? What, did she dump you or something? ... Is this whole thing just so you can feel big about yourself, and feel like you're still with her? Feel like you're "in control" of her? Is that it, Rose?

Rose: Well...

Axl: Like, that is SO unfair. You shouldn't be taking your hostility out on me!

Rose: HEY! You agreed to the deal, Axl. And I'll treat you any damn way I please. Say it, Axl.

Axl: ... No.

Rose: *leans in closer... brushing her hand against his cheek, before patting him on the side of the face* Axl.

Axl: NO.

Rose: SAY IT!

Axl: Dammit... I'm...

Rose: Yes?

Axl: *whispering* imyourbitch...

Rose: Huh? What's that, I couldn't quite make it out... babe?

Axl: I'M YOUR BITCH. I'm your bitch, I'm your bitch, I'M YOUR BITCH! *drops to his knees, and wraps his arms around Rose's legs, sobbing with tears...* I'm your bitch! Oh God, I'm sorry Rose...

Rose: *stroking her fingers through Axl's hair* It's ok, hun. It's ok. You just need to remember where your place is, that's all.

Axl: I love you daddy...

Rose: I love you too, sweetie. *looks at watch* Hey, there's a flick playing at the theatre. Kung-Fu Kamikaze Kidz from Planet K! It's rated R for blood, sex, drugs, and alien-type-shenanigans. We HAVE to check it out!

Axl: *stands to his feet, and wipes his eyes* But... what about "Legally Blonde 3 : Judge Redd-Hedd"? You said you'd take me to it?

Rose: Dammit... Well, how about this. We'll watch "Scary Movie 8 : It's Not Old till We SAY It's Old". I know how you just love that Leslie Nielsen.

Axl: He's sooo dreamy! ... In a totally NON-homosexual way, of course.

Rose: Axl, the dude's like the Ric Flair of satire!

Axl: Like... he's the best in the business?

Rose: Yeah, sure, something like that...

[Axl and Rose begin walking toward the theatre for the second half of their belated V-Day date. Rose and Axl speak as they walk...]

Rose: Ya know, before Steph broke up with me, she mentioned being a teacher at a St. Louis school. And she mentioned something about this student... Laura, or something...

Axl: Lori?

Rose: Yeah! That's it! She said she kept feeling as though that Lori chick might have feelings for her or something...

Axl: What gave her that impression?

Rose: Well, she said it could've been the looks... the winks... it could've been the time Lori stripped naked, sprayed whip cream on her nipples and vagina, and ran through the hallways of the school, screaming "NOBODY HAVE ANY OF THIS BUT STEPHANIE, NOBODY HAVE ANY OF THIS BUT STEPHANIE!!!". Or, she said it could've been the time she slipped her a note that read "I have feelings for you. Or something."

Axl: Huh... I wonder if THAT Lori could be The Great's daughter Lori?

Rose: Well, whatever the case, Steph broke up with me and started going out with the girl. She was fired for it, but they're together till this day, as far as I know.

Axl: Ah. Well, that proves it.

Rose: Proves what?

Axl: It proves it couldn't POSSIBLY be The Great's daughter. Because let's face it, who in their right mind would be willing to lose their job JUST so they could go out with the offspring of a narcissistic jackass like the Great?

Rose: Well Axl, I quit my job as a receptionist in Slashville JUST so I could go out WITH a narcissistic jackass like the Great. And you make the Great look like a self-depricating emo by comparison...

Axl: You don't think I'M emo?

Rose: Oh, you're emo, Axl... on the outside. And that's all that counts.

Axl: Awww, you know just what tah say.

[Axl and Rose step inside the 'Sinister City TriPlex'. Rose's arm over Axl's shoulder... Axl's head on Rose's shoulder... as the scene fades away, to "Dance Hall Days", by Wang-Chung.]

~ Believe ... or Be Left. ~

=========================================

NH: The following match is a street fight.

["I Am Evil" by Darc Soulz plays. Some boos for Axl as he steps out.]

NH: Introducing first. From Sinister City, Utah. He is accompanied to the ring tonight by Rose. This is Axl.

AS: Axl is taking on the BOB establishment, and it's about time somebody did.

SW: He's facing The Great, idiot. The Great's been here less time than Axl!

AS: The Great may be new to BOB, but he's already in it deep with Trey Vincent and the powers. They're grooming him to be a part of the establishment.

SW: They, who?

AS: Trey. BigBOSS. This is all a game to them. They find soldiers who will do their bidding from the shadows. Meanwhile, Axl offers a change from the old ways and is looking to take BOB into the next decade.

SW: Aw, fuck. We're still gonna be around in three years? Fine, Alex, what is the establishment's big objective?

AS: Money. Power. They want to run our lives. And I say…I KNOW! I KNOW! And I reject it!

SW: So, you think Axl is rejecting what Trey Vincent, BigBOSS and the rest of the bookers are trying to accomplish?

AS: Think about it. He threw down the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. He threw down the Swiss Army Belt. Rejecting the status quo. And the powers that be didn't like that. They want little bootlickers to say "ooh, thank you, Lord Vincent. Please, give me more! More! More!" They wanted Axl to conform. Well, now look at Axl.

SW: You don't think the BOB titles should be respected?

["(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones plays.]

NH: And his opponent. From St. Louis, Missouri. This is The Great!

AS: Tony the Tiger's favorite wrestler is here.

SW: Wait, wait. I want you to answer my question. You don't think the BOB titles should be respected? Sure, they're made out of cheap cardboard and random junk, but--

AS: You're just a bootlicker, Scotty. Quit carrying their water. A new age is upon us. Their rules are draconian. And here we go. Punches flying fast and furious in the ring. Axl and The Great trading stiff punches.

SW: I'm sure Axl would rather be trading something else stiff with The Great.

AS: Axl is thrown to the floor. Remember, folks, there is no DQ in this one. Anything goes. Axl avoids The Great and is back in the ring. Great giving chase and…

SW: A headlock? This is a streetfight. Fight!

AS: Great powering his way up. Elbows. Kick. Twist of Great! No. Axl spins out. Kick. Sinister Slice! No! Great whips Axl into the ropes. Great charges and flies through the ropes but holds on.

SW: Holy crap. He just hiptossed Axl to the floor! Nice.

AS: Great targeting Axl's legs now. He's going for a Figure Eight around the Flimsy Guardrail®. I've never seen that before, Scotty.

SW: Well, that's because it looks retarded.

AS: And Generic Ref can't make Great break the hold. Axl may have to submit here. No, The Great just broke the move. I guess he's got some more in store for Axl. The Great going under the ring and he pulls out…

SW: Of course! A CRATE!

AS: Not just a crate, Scotty. A weapons-filled crate. The Great sliding those weapons into the ring. And now what's he pulling out. A rusty metal gate? And now he tosses Axl back inside.

SW: Good. Make him bleed like the bitch he wants to be. I can't believe he enjoys being the girl in his relationship.

AS: I agree with you on that, Scotty. Axl has the right idea for taking on the establishment. But he is a psychologist's dream. Angry Stomp by The Great on Axl. Great looking to prop up the gate in the corner and put some hurting on Axl. Lookout!

*BONK*

AS: Collection plate to the skull by Axl.

SW: A collection plate? Oh, The Great's gotta be going to hell for stealing that and using it in a street fight. Think he took the money, too?

AS: It wouldn't shock me with what BOB pays and what his wife spends. Now it looks like Axl's found a DVD.

SW: A DVD? That doesn't rhyme with Great.

AS: He just connected with a swing to The Great's face. And The Great tosses the DVD away.

SW: Hey, look. It's a DVD of "Blind Date Uncensored!" No wonder why the Great brought it in.

AS: Where are you going?

SW: You think I'm going to let such a masterful DVD as that go to waste?

AS: Well, fans, Scotty's going to collect the DVD. Now Axl is putting on a pair of roller skates. And Scotty grabs the DVD and is heading back over here. Axl trying to balance himself now. Don't tell me he doesn't know how to rollerskate. Why would he put those skates on? Axl charges. And loses his balance.

SW: Bwahahaha! Did you see that? Axl just fell flat on his face. Priceless.

AS: Great's back up. And now Axl is being locked in the tree of woe. Now where's The Great going?

SW: It looks like he's talking to somebody in the audience. Oh, dude. He's a chubby chaser? What's with this fat girl he's bringing into the ring.

AS: Oh no. Don't tell me.

SW: Oh, I think I get it. She's overweight.

AS: Right you are, Scotty. She's got to be at least 300 pounds.

SW: Why are the only chicks who like wrestling 300 pounds? Why can't some chicks with huge jugs and long legs be into this sport?

AS: The Great's got her set up in the corner opposite Axl. He Irish whips her into Axl!

SW: Wow. He's gotta hate getting so close to a girl. I hear Rose has such a big clit it might as well be a penis.

AS: Excuse me? Where did you hear that?

SW: I have sources, too, Alex. Mine just find out more interesting stuff.

AS: That's truly disturbing. Great thanking this young lady for her assistance. Rose trying to rip those skates off Axl now. Oh no!

SW: Oh yes! Ice skate! Axl's gonna BLEED! Hahaha!

AS: Rose has gotten Axl free.

SW: Axl's about to do his Richard Zednik impersonation.

AS: Oh, Scotty! That's horrible.

SW: Or maybe Axl will get his dream and Great will cut off his penis so he can become the woman he's always wanted to be!

AS: Rose just threw a rollerskate at The Great! And The Great's going after her! He's got her by the hair. Axl's up. Neckbreaker on The Great. Axl quickly pulling up the Great. Oh no!

*CRUNCH*

AS: Sinister leg sweep into the wooden crate! Axl putting it all on the line to win this huge match, as the winner here no doubt will be a top contender for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

SW: Yeah. I'm surprised Axl would risk getting a splinter in his ass. It'd put a huge crimp in his social life.

AS: Now Axl's got the ice skate. Oh no. He holds it up high, and the crowd booing him loudly. Great's back up. Scoop Slam 5! Axl gets behind him. Oh no! He's got the ice skate to The Great's throat! Low blow by the Great!

SW: That damn trick knee.

AS: Thanks, Brain. Great rips the ice skate out of Axl's hands. Swing and a miss. Inverted DDT by Axl. Cover. One. Two. Great kicks out. Axl looking for a weapon to inflict some more violence on The Great, but he can't find one. He picks up The Great and crotches him on the top rope. Axlgeri. Great is down. One! Two! Great kicks out!

SW: We need more weapons. What a lame street fight, neither of these guys have even bladed yet. Where's that damn ice skate.

AS: Axl just found a hand weight. Looks like a five-pounder. He's waiting on Great to get up. Axl swings and misses. Great's got Axl up. What is this?

SW: Whoa!

AS: Fireman's carry facebuster! I guess we'll call that a G5?

SW: Great's been studying Brock Lesnar's moveset, I see. Axl's gotta be done after that one.

AS: Was he in that version of the video game? One! Two! Axl's foot is on the ropes. Both men are exhausted, Scotty. They've absorbed a lot of punishment so far.

SW: Great needs to put this one away. Hey, where's Rose going?

AS: She must be going to get some reinforcements. This is no DQ. Great doesn't have any friends here in BOB that I know of. Nobody can stand his constant speaking in third-person.

SW: Annoying? I find it funny. Plus he rhymes. He should find a rhyming friend of some sort…

AS: Both men trading punches here, but they tank's just about empty. Twist of Great. No. Evil-lution onto the metal gate! Oh man! That should be it! Axl drags The Great to the middle of the ring and hooks both legs. One! Two! Three! NO! Great kicked out!

SW: No way! Look at how bent that gate is!

AS: Axl is screaming at Generic Ref. Axl shoves Generic Ref. Generic Ref shoves Axl! Axl shoves him again. Lou Thesz press! Generic Ref is all over Axl!
SW: Hey, it's Pigeon!

AS: He's got The Great. Pigeon Drop! No! Twist of Great on Pigeon! Viruz is in. Twist of Great on Viruz! Oh, but Steve Roydz just damn near took his head off with that clothesline. The Hierarchy is out in full force now. There's Pete Trable. And he's got a home plate. Roydz holding The Great, who can't move.

*WHUMP*

SW: What the hell? The Great didn't move. Trable's aim is terrible.

AS: He just totally missed The Great and blasted Steve Roydz in the head with home plate. And Axl saw that. Axl shoves Trable.

SW: Maybe Pete's really drunk. He's got to be to be hanging out with the Hierarchy losers.

AS: CD! CD! CD! Compacted Disc on Axl!

[Pete gets a pop from the crowd for that.]

AS: Great drags up Axl. Twist of Great! Cover! One! Two! Three!

SW: Wow. Is Pete cool again finally? He hasn't been cool in like five years since he vanished from the Rant Zone. Remember when he was plunder for the Drudleyz?

AS: I don't get this. Why would Trable turn on Axl and the Hierarchy?

SW: Because they suck?

AS: Well fans, we're not going to find out on this show. Maybe there will be some explanation in the Rant Zone from The Great and Pete Trable this week. What a shocker.

---------------------
TV: Look out!

Styles: Hoodanconrana! No! NETHERWORLD POWERBOMB by Death! This one is OVER!

TV: Yes!

Styles: COVER! ONE! TWO! THREE! NO!? Soem Guy kicked out? SOEM GUY KICKED OUT!

TV: I heard you the first time!

SW: Quit pissing off the boss, Styles.

TV: That'll never happen. Every time I see his stupid glasses and his stupid Salvation Army ties, I just wanna punch his stupid face in!

SW: You've got some anger issues.

TV: I know!

Styles: Both men exchanging punches, but Soem Guy's getting the better of it. Elbows, punches, kicks, Death is down! Oh my GOD! Leg sweep and Death is on the middle rope. He's dialing it up. Here comes the 555! COVER! ONE! TWO! NO! Death grabs the rope!

TV: Hey, it's Jim! Jim's coming out. He can't be here.

SW: Isn't this supposed to be Jim vs. Death? I could've sworn that's what the banner ad said…

Styles: Well, it looks like Trey's going to stop Jim from getting in the ring. He wants the title match he earned by beating Axl last month. Jim's in the ring, Trey's in the ring. Generic Ref is physically removing Jim from the ring now. What the?

SW: WHAT?

Styles: Trey just grabbed Death! COMING DOWN! OH MY GOD! The fans can't believe it! What is this? He just put Some Guy on top of Death. Generic Ref's back in. No! No! No!

SW: We have a new champion? The fuck? Why would Trey turn on his third best friend in the whole world?

NH: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your winner of the match. And NEW, Brawlers On a Budget ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS…

[Trey steals the mic from Heidi and heads into the ring.]

SW: This is unbelievable.

[Soem Guy in A Mask takes off his mask.]
SW: Yes! I'm not a homo! Hahaha! I knew I wasn't.

Styles: No. Nonononononono! Sarah?

TV: Sarah is Project 469, The Fall Of Man.

Styles: Sarah "The Jobber Slayer" was Soem Guy In A Mask?

AS: But why are you so shocked, Styles. You were in on it from the start.

SW: You were? You fucker! How dare anybody pretend that I'm gay when I knew on some level that that was a chick with a hot ass, not a dude with a hot ass!

Sarah: In 2006, BigBOSS made the biggest mistake of his life. He decided to make Dimension Z, starring Sir Zeno, Mr. Paradox, Queen Mylisiv and Dr. Thrilla the focus of this company. So, under the illusion of stopping male vs. female violence, he stripped me of this title, and then ran me out of this company with a "knee injury" when I complained about it. Well guess what, BigBOSS. I'm back.

Sarah: And don't think they're the only ones to blame. They're not. You see, there's a guy by the name of Steve Studnuts who didn't like having a woman be a champion here. Steve, I've done more for BOB than anybody in the history of this company. I was never beaten for the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. And I will NEVER be beaten for this title belt. Especially, not now.

[She drops the mic. Trey grabs her. They kiss!]

SW: Holy crap! Trey Vincent has realized one of his lifelong dreams.

Styles: What, getting together with Sarah, the dream girl of his life?

SW: No! He's gonna bang sisters! SISTERS Styles! Oh, GOD, Trey rules!

Styles: What a shocking end to Totally Dead here in Sin City. Fans. Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION is coming to G5 TV soon. Check our Web site for more information. Good night everybody!



=============================================
BoB : Total Non-Action Wrestling : iMPLOSION! 1 - 04/09/08
=============================================
========
Duff vs Kurt
========

["I Am Evil" by Darc-Soulz begins to play on the speakers.]

Styles: That's Axl's music! What in the world is he doing out here? Insano Mano vs Kurt Angel is scheduled next...

Scotty: Dammit! I thought we were going to be lucky and not have to watch this goth poser sulk about for one week. Why I would get my hopes up like that after years and years of dissapointment, I'll never know...

Styles: But Axl's only been around for a year?

Scotty: Yeah, well, you know the old saying. Time creeps along like a snail when you feel like you're being poked in the eyes with razor sharp sticks...

Styles: Well, nevertheless, he's coming toward our desk...

Scotty: Oh FUCK... ya know what? Screw it. I'm taking a break. I'll be backstage if you need me.

[Scotty removes his headset and drops it to the desk, before taking his leave. He brushes past Axl, who simply ignores Scotty. As Axl sits at the desk, placing the headset over his ears, Scotty flips Axl off, before heading through the entrance.]

Styles: Welcome, Axl. Looks as though Scotty wasn't very pleased with your coming to the desk.

Axl: Meh... Scott's isn't worthy of my pure, unbridled greatness. He's not worthy of being in the same ARENA as me, much less sitting by me at this desk. Not only am I a Wrestling God, but I'll have you know I'm the greatest wrestler to provide guest commentary... EVER.

Styles: Ah... well -

Axl: And I'll ALSO have you know that Rose may officially be the man in our relationship, but I'm still man enough to take on either of the sawed-off jackwads in this next match! Insano? He's nothing more than a glorified stuntman! What he does has nothing to do with WRESTLING. And even though Kurt may seemingly be a wrestling "machine" of sorts, when it all comes down to it, that pothead Angel doesn't know one TENTH of the jawesomely jawesome moves that I do! I mean, they don't call me the 'Man of 1,000,017 and a Half Moves' for nothing!

Styles: ... They call you that? ... Are we talking about people from Earth, or some planet where the number 1,000,017 and a Half has a drastically lower value than it does here?

Axl: > : -(

Styles: : - D

["I Don't Like the Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me)" plays, and Kurt Angel steps out through the entrance, in a silver-colored pair of sneakers ; a silvery, satin pair of warm-up pants ; and a shining, silver-toned t-shirt, with a pair of golden angel's wings emblazoned across the front. Kurt lifts both forefingers high into the air, before lowering them and cracking his neck to the left and then the right. Kurt jogs down to the ring before hopping onto the apron in one swift motion. Kurt climbs into the ring, before taking to the corner post, and as he stands upon the top, the Fallen Angel raises his index fingers into the air once again, soaking in the cheers and applause of the Sin City fans. When suddenly -]

Styles: Wait a minute, the Tiny-Tron just came on... and it seems as though Insano Mano is headed toward the ring. But wait! Mano's just been struck in the side of the head with a ham sandwich!

Axl: The deadliest of all sandwiches.

Styles: Mano drops to the floor... and someone is ripping his mask off! We can't get a clear shot of this guy's face... And before we can, he pulls on the mask.

Axl: I wonder who it could possibly be...

Styles: ... Ya know, you never actually said WHY you were out here commenting on this particular match... This guy wouldn't happen to have anything to do with it, would he?

Axl: Oh nooo, of course not! I'm just like you, Mike, in the dark as far as it comes to this guy. ...

Styles: Hmm... Well, nevertheless -

Axl: SERIOUSLY. No clue. I have no idea who it is.

Styles: Well -

Axl: ; - )

Styles: ...

["Mexican Hat Dance", by the Arriba Brothers, plays, and out comes... some chubby guy in baggy shorts, combat boots, and Insano Mano's mask.]

Styles: What in the HELL...

Axl: Insano Mano appears to have put on a few pounds. Must have been chowing down on one too many bean burritos...

Styles: Are you kidding me?! That's obviously NOT Mano! It seems to be the same guy that ko'ed Mano in the back... Wait... isn't that that 'Duff' guy -

Axl: AND HERE COMES MANO! Mano runs down to the ring, slides in, and rushes toward Kurt, and the two immediately begin to trade rights and lefts!

Styles: Huh... That guy sure does seem familiar. But either way, as Axl just noted, Kurt and, ahem, "Mano", are vicously tearing into one another with fists of fury. "Mano" sends one more fist toward the skull of Kurt, who grabs the fist, twisting it behind the back of Kurt, applying a hammerlock! But "Mano" reaches his free arm up, hooks Kurt's head... and snaps off a quick jawbreaker!

Axl: INSANO STUNNERO!

Styles: Yes, Insano Stunnero, which sends Kurt reeling back, before tumbling through the ropes and crashing to the outside. "Mano" drops to the mat and rolls to the outside, sending a few stomps to the side and head of Angel. After taking a bit of abuse, Kurt manages to take hold of "Mano"'s ankle, trip him to the ground, and float over into a headlock on the supposed luchadore...

Axl: Whadya mean "supposed" luchadore?! THAT'S MANO! There's absolutely no doubt about it! Now keep calling the match, ya blind buffoon...

Styles: Ai-yai, Captain.

Axl: Oh, knock it off!

Styles: Ok, ok... But Mano or no, the guy's trapped in an Olympic-caliber headlock from the winged one. Kurt begins to grind his knuckles into the forehead of "Mano" while still applying the headlock... Wait, is he... YES! He's trying to remove the mask!

Axl: HE BETTER NOT! Er... I mean, uh... He better not... tear up that mask TOO much. It's probably valuable... or something.

Styles: Nice save there, Axl. "Mano" manages to elbow Kurt in the side of the head and avoid having his identity being revealed, as if we didn't already know who it was... Anyway, Kurt takes a few steps away, while "Mano" makes it to his feet. Before "Mano" can turn around, Kurt locks on a reverse waistlock, and is about to lift "Mano" up for a german suplex, when "Mano" switches behind Kurt, and pulls off a german suplex of his own! Kurt's been dropped on the back of his head, and I'm afraid he may have a broken frickin' neck!

Axl: That's what he'd get for stepping in the ring with Duf- ... MANO! ... Grr...

Styles: "Mano" grabs Kurt by the shirt collar and pulls him to his feet, before ramming his back into the corner post. He then hits a snap fisherman suplex, which sends Kurt crashing into the barricade. But just as "Mano" reaches a vertical base, Kurt's right back up, and clotheslines "Mano", taking him off his feet. Kurt rolls "Mano" back into the ring, and goes for a pin, and picks up a 2 count only. Kurt sends a few forearm shots to the side of "Mano"'s head. Kurt climbs up the corner post... he seems to be going for a moonsault... OH MY GOD! "Mano" just came to his senses and hit a dropkick, sending Kurt hurtling to the outside and smacking his face on our desk!

Axl: (stands up and spits on Kurt) You... You... HERUMPH! (sits back down)

Styles: What was that for?

Axl: Don't get in my business, Styles...

Styles: Touchy, are we... Well, Kurt slowly clamors back into the ring, but doesn't have the strength to stand, lying on his back and breathing heavily. "Mano" lifts Kurt from the canvas, before bouncing off one set of ropes, heading for Kurt... but somehow, Kurt finds the power to snap off a quick Heavenly Slam, bringing "Mano" down hard to the mat. Both men are left lying, and -

Axl: Hey, uh, Mike, I've got some business to handle... I'll catch you later.

Styles: Huh? Wha- ... Well folks, Axl's left the commentary desk, and he must be headed to the back. ... Wait, he's headed... for the RING? What does that maniac think he's doing?! Axl leaps onto the apron, and smacks the referee in the back of the head. Generic Referee turns around and tells Axl to leave, but while Axl has the ref occupied... some sort of music is playing... "Twisted Transistor"! IT'S VIRUZ! Axl's brother is coming down to the ring! He must have some unfinished business to take care of with Kurt... I wonder if THAT'S why Axl was out here... Viruz enters the ring and hits the Fatal Error on Kurt, leaving him motionless in the center of the ring! Viruz rolls out of the ring, and Axl hops off the apron... and the referee turns around just in time to find "Mano" pinning Kurt! And "Mano", who we all know isn't REALLY Mano, has just picked up the 1, 2, 3! This makes me SICK! Thankfully, Scotty has returned. Scotty, doesn't this make you sick?

Scotty: You wanna know what makes me sick? That guacamole they're serving in catering. BLECH.

Styles: ... Well, it looks as though Viruz and Axl are both getting back in the ring. Viruz picks up Kurt, sends him into the ropes, and clotheslines him over the top rope, following him to the outside, and trading fists with him through the entrance. Axl grabs a microphone... and "Mano" removes the mask, showing us what we knew all along, that he's actually Duff.

Axl: HA! We sure fooled YOU idiots, didn't we!

Styles: Oh brother...

Axl: Ladies and gentlemen, please help me in introducing the newest member of the Hierarchy ; DUFF!!!

Scotty: Like the beer? Homer Simpson must LOVE this guy. I sure don't... Any member of the Hierarchy is an enemy of mine! And they must royally suck as well...

Styles: Ok, Scotty, let's hear what the guy's got to say.

Düff: HELLO, BoB! I am Düff, soon to be known as the greatest, most revolutionary wrestler to grace this or any other ring! I have the most devestating moveset anyone has ever seen, and despite my weight, I'm an amazing technical wrestler. Many people must be wondering, though. Why BoB? Why the Hierarchy? Well, it's simple. The Hierarchy was the only group brutal enough to really house the Düff-man! And BoB? Well... okay, fine, nowhere else was willing to hire me, but regardless! I will show those fuckers why they made a mistake by passing me by!

[Duff finishes and drops the mic, Axl raising his arm, as the audience shows their dissaproval.]

=============================================
BoB : Total Non-Action Wrestling : iMPLOSION! 3 - 04/23/08
=============================================
========
Pigeon vs Bluemaga
========

[We return to the Camel's Toe, where a crudely constructed announce table has appeared at ringside. Miraculously enough, it's even MORE crudely constructed than the EZ Break Announce Table, which is saying quite a bit. In fact, it consists of only two trash cans turned upside down and set down a couple of feet apart from eachother. A long piece of cardboard rests upon the upturned bottoms of the two cans, and a plain white towel is draped over this piece of cardboard. And scrawled across the towel in black marker is the words "Hierarchy Announce Table". This couldn't possibly be good...]

Styles: Scotty...

Scotty: Yeah?

Styles: Have you noticed the shoddily put together desk that's been set up on the opposite side of the ring?

Scotty: Yeah... I thought we got a new Mexican announce team or something. Telling from the way the thing's built, it wouldn't surprise me if it were atleast made down there. Of course, I don't think Mexico gets G5... Really, I don't think most of America gets G5. Hey, maybe it's a Dimension Z Announce Table. I hear that Paradox is a local hero. And Dr. Thrilla dolls sell like hotcakes. They're really popular. Well... except for the couple of customer complaints. Geez, just because a few bratty kids get their fingers snapped off, they have tah bitch and moan. That's the price one must pay for a realistic beartrap mouth! Stupid aliens...

Styles: Well, from what I can make out, the thing has the name of the Hierarchy written across it... I seriously hope they're not thinking about calling a match...

Scotty: I know! Even if the match sucks, I should have the right to tell all these fine losers a bunch of my jokes! I have some grade 'A' material planned for tonight!

Styles: Sure Scotty. I'm about as sure of that as I am I'd enjoy hearing whoever the Hierarchy chooses to man that desk...

Scotty: Well, as long as it isn't Good ol' Ben Joss or whatever the fuck that guy was called... Remember that tub of lard? He was the worst impersonation of Jim Ross since Ed Ferrara! I hope they atleast get Rose. Atleast she's got nice tits.

Styles: Nice tits do not a good commentator make.

Scotty: I know. But atleast they'll give me something to stare at besides another crappy match...

["I Am Evil" by Darc-Soulz plays, and the crowd begins to unload a chorus of boos and jeers as Axl and Rose make their way through the curtains, arm in arm.]

Styles: Well, you got what you wanted. Rose is apparently coming to the desk.

Scotty: Yeah, but unfortunately so is Axl. Dammit... well, you have to take the good with the bad. Atleast I get to laugh at Axl being whipped into submission like the bitch he is!

Styles: Hey, I'm sure he's perfectly fine with the path his relationship has taken...

Scotty: Yeah, you're right. He could be totally happy with how Rose is treating him. ... Well, unless of course he has a pair of BALLS. Then he's probably feeling like horse shit. But otherwise, he's probably on top of the world right now.

[Rose sits down first, and Axl is about to sit down, when Rose shoves his chair away. She pats her lap, and motions for Axl to take a seat. He does so, crossing his legs once he's seated. The couple both place headsets on.]

Scotty: WHIP IT! WHIP IT GOOD! I hope Axl heard me.

Styles: You're a bad apple, Scotty.

Scotty: Thanks. :-D

Rose: Hey, monkies in the back! Cut the fuckwads' headsets! The only people calling Hierarchy matches from now on are members of the Hierarchy!

Scotty: THANK GOD! Styles, let's go. Any match featuring a member of the Hierarchy has the potential to be even worse than a regular BoB match, and that's something I'm glad I don't have to put up with anymore! And besides, I'm sure Axl gets off on being so close to the 'action', if you know what I mean!

Axl: I DO NOT! Rose, tell him I'm not gay. :-(

Rose: Scotty, he's not gay! He's just a bit on the effeminate side!

Axl: HEY!

Rose: What'd you want me to say? That you lack testosterone? That you're hormonally challenged? That while you like being with a woman, you also like for that woman to be in possesion of a 13 inch long, titanium strap-on?

Axl: >:-(

Rose: What is it?

Axl: Just because I like to take it up the you-know-what, it doesn't mean I'm gay!

Scotty: You keep telling yourself that Axl, I'm sure one day it'll come true. Phff, heheh. :-P

Styles: Alright, alright, let's depart Scotty, before Axl blows a gasket.

Axl: I'M NOT GAY!!!

Fans: AXL'S GAY! AXL'S GAY! AXL'S GAY!

Axl: ARGH!!!

[Scotty and Styles stand up from their desk, and head toward the entrance. When they pass the announce table of the Hierarchy, Scotty looks at Axl, whose head is resting on Rose's shoulder, his arms wrapped around her waist. Scotty shakes his head, before joining Styles on his way out.]

Rose: Ladies and gentlemen, the show has now officially begun! Axl, get your head off my shoulder, go grab your chair, and sit down. Now that those chump stains are gone, I don't have to appear so affectionate.

Axl: But... I thought you wanted me to -

Rose: NOW!!!

Axl: Yes ma'am!

Rose: What was that?

Axl: I mean... yes... sir?

Rose: You're damn right. Now fetch your damn chair already and sit your ass down so we can call the match.

[Axl heads toward the chair that has been knocked to the ground. Axl props the chair back up, takes a seat, and begins to speak, but Rose cuts him off.]

Rose: Welcome to Hiearchy iMPLOSION!, the program that brings you the top talent in the world... us... kicking the holy living crap out of losers like this next guy!

Nurse Heidi: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a Round One match in the Grand Slam Tournament.

["Blue" by Eiffel 65 plays, new music to the land of Brawlers. A picture of an island appears on the Tiny-Tron, surrounded by a vast ocean. The camera slowly zooms in, revealing a few tall , skyscraper-like buildings, built entirely of sticks and assorted island type junk. We find one building with a sign reading 'The Tiki Lounge'. While it is pictured upon the screen, this very same building lowers from the rafters of the arena... when suddenly, a rotund man dressed from head to toe in blue breaks through the frail wall, which is held together only by thin rope. The entire building collapses behind the monster of a man, as he beats his fists against his chest and screams at the top of his lungs.]

Nurse Heidi: First... Hailing from the Isle of Blue Jersey, he stands tall at 5 feet, 8 inches, weighing in at 321 pounds, he is the Blue Blooded Monster - Bluuuuuuue-MAGAAA!!!

Rose: Bluemaga? Seriously? This one's gonna be a cake walk!

Axl: I dunno, honey, he looks sorta... big. I mean REALLY big. In the fat, Big Daddy V sorta way, not the tall, Great Khali sorta way.

Rose: Oh, I thought you meant the tall AND fat, Big Show sorta way. But fat, Big Daddy V is nothing to scoff at.

Axl: Indeed.

[Bluemaga is dressed in a knee-length pair of tight blue shorts, blue sandals, and a blue beaded necklace. He has a head-full of blue dreadlocks, a face and body covered in blue paint, and his right pinkie is wrapped in blue tape. Bluemaga lifts his taped pinkie high into the air, as the crowd roars their approval. Hey, anyone that faces a Hierarchy member is automatically going to be cheered, it's just the rules of the game. Even this jobber has more fans than a Hierarchy guy...]

Rose: Well, Jobby McJobberton the Blue-Nosed FatBoy has arrived, and it's time for a REAL wrestler to make his entrance!

Axl: But I'm not fighting this guy? What other REAL wrestlers does BoB employ?

Rose: Oh shut up, Axl. You lost your right to have an ego when you agreed to be my bitch.

Axl: I'm not your bitch! I'm just the girl, that doesn't mean I don't have a sack!

Rose: Did I say you could have a sack?

Axl: ... No. ... I'm sorry. ... Can I still be your bitch?

Rose: Wait till your match. If you win, we'll talk.

Axl: :-(

Nurse Heidi: And his opponent -

[Suddenly, the Tiny Tron fills with the image of a full moon... "Voices" by Disturbed begins to play, and clouds shroud over the light of the moon... before - ]

Speakers: WHAT ABOUT ME... WHAT ABOUT PIGEON?!?!?!~!

Rose: Now HERE'S a man!

Axl: Hey! He left Michelle to be in MY stable! I'm just as much of a man, if not more of a man, than he is! Would someone leave such a wonderful lady to be in any OTHER man's group? I think not! There's just something about me that -

Rose: AXL. What did I say about ego?

Axl: But sweetie-kins!

Rose: The only person in this relationship allowed to have an ego is ME. And why wouldn't I have an ego? I'm pure awesomeness wrapped up into one nice, hot, sexy little package - BITCH~!

Axl: :-(

Rose: :-D , :-P

Axl: YOU'RE MEAN!!!

Rose: Oh, you know you love me.

Axl: I... I know...

[Pigeon walks through the curtains, wearing a pair of torn jean shorts, a black shirt with the Hierarchy logo printed across the front, and around his waist he wears a flannel shirt, with the arms tied in a tight knot. Pigeon stands upon the stage, flapping his arms about, before flapping down to the ring. Once he rolls in under the bottom rope, he grabs the microphone from Heidi, and proceeds to sit down in the corner of the ring... lifting the microphone to his mouth.]

Pigeon: ... This darkness covers me like the arms of a mother around her newborn son. I feel its warmth... yet I am drenched in its coldness. I taste a sip of the sweet, sweet nectar of greed... Power surges into mine veins... An epiphany awakens me from my slumber... I know now what I knew not then... This is my new horizon. A new day has come... I was waiting for so long. For a miracle to come... Everyone told me to be strong, hold on and don't shed a tear. Through the darkness and good times... I knew I'd make it through. And the world thought I had it all, but I was waiting for you. I see a light in the sky... Oh, it's almost blinding me... I can't believe I've been touched by an angel with love. Let the rain come down and wash away my tears, let it fill my soul and drown my fears, let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun.

Pigeon: A new day... has... come. Quoth the Pigeon... Michelle's a whore!

Axl: Hey! Michelle's a wonderful lady!

Rose: Axl, you better not be thinking about other women. ESPECIALLY when I'm sitting RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!!!

Axl: Sorry my love...

[Pigeon tosses the microphone to the outside and stands up, facing Bluemaga. Generic Ref signals for the bell, and the match is underway...]

Rose: Pigeon and Bluemaga start this one off by circling eachother... Pigeon goes in for the tieup, but Bluemaga easily shoves the Bird of Prey off and into the corner. Bluemaga storms forward and leaps into the air, but just as he's about to make impact, Pigeon rolls out of the way, and Bluemaga collides with the top turnbuckle. Bluemaga spins around sharply after that violent collision, and slumps against the turnbuckle... Pigeon rams a shoulder into the big guy's gut... and follows it up with another, and another. Pigeon heads up top and begins driving his fists into Bluemaga's face... but Bluemaga manages to toss Pigeon off like a bag of feathers.

Axl: Pigeon feathers?

Rose: More than likely. And WHOA! Bluemaga nearly just took Pigeon's head clear off with a vile clothesline to the skull, flipping Pigeon in mid-air! Bluemaga bounces off one set of ropes, the opposite set of ropes, leaps into the air, and comes crashing down with a massive splash, knocking the air right out of poor Pigeon... Axl, you've gotta do something!

Axl: Hmm... I've got it!

[Axl lays down his headset, and heads toward the ring. He picks up the microphone Pigeon tossed out before the match, and calls into the ring.]

Axl: As GM of the Hierarchy's 'iMPLOSION!', I declare this match a Hierarchy Rules match!!!

[... What? I mean, sorry to butt in like this. I know I'm supposed to stick to narrating... but seriously, "Hierarchy Rules"? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?]

Axl: SIMPLE. As of now, this match is a no dq, no holds barred, no count out, falls count anywhere, STREET FIGHT. Now, let the match REALLY begin!

[Ugh... Axl heads back to his seat, while I'm left wondering how Axl can actually call the shots. This isn't REALLY "Hierarchy" iMPLOSION!... is it?]

Rose: You bet your sweet ass it is! And now... oh FUCK, Bluemaga just went outside and grabbed a steel chair! Apparently people from Blue Jersey can understand English, as he's picked up on the fact that he can use weapons now! AXL!!!

Axl: What?! I tried to make things easier for Pigeon! It's not my fault he's a weakling... unlike me, sugar dumpling. :-)

Rose: Oh, stick a fork in it.

Axl: ... Huh?

Rose: YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!

Axl: Of course! Of course I do... I do?

Rose: >:-(

Axl: I mean, I do!

Rose: That's better.

[Pigeon slowly makes it to a vertical base, turns around, and gets clobbered with a chair right to the mush by the massive blue monster.]

Rose: Dammit, Pigeon's lying on the canvas, and Bluemaga's nearing victory! Axl, this match needs another rules change! QUICK!

Axl: I'm on it!

[Axl drops the headset again, and grabs the microphone... This is ridiculous.]

Axl: Generic Ref! I forgot one of the rules in a Hierarchy Rules match! Uhm... the non-Hierarchy participant in the match must... tie both of his arms behind his back! And stand on one foot! And be blindfolded! Now break out the rope and blindfold, ya jackass!

[In the words of Mikey Styles : Oh-my-GOD, Axl, do you seriously believe this is a level playing field?]

Axl: ... No? Does it matter?



Rose: NOW we have a damn match, baby!

Axl: You've got that right, sweetheart! There's no way Bluemaga's getting past Pigeon now!

Rose: ... I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT!!! Bluemaga just headbutted Pigeon! And now Pigeon's bleeding on the mat from his nose! This is unbelievable! Dammit Axl, something MUST be done!

Axl: I know, I know... Uhm... dammit, I don't know... WAIT! I've got it! Mwahaha...

[Axl drops the headset once again, but just as he heads toward the ring, Bluemaga pins Pigeon with the ref counting the three... The bell sounds, and Nurse Heidi enters the ring to announce Bluemaga as the winner... but Axl climbs into the ring as well, and rips the microphone from Heidi's hand. After Bluemaga removes the rope and blindfold, Axl... Axl actually lifts Bluemaga's hand into the air??? As he raises Bluemaga's arm, Axl speaks into the microphone...]

Axl: Congratulations Bluemaga!

[... Axl then slams the microphone into Bluemaga's forehead, knocking him out cold in the center of the ring. What in the hell is up with this guy?]

Axl: Congratulations... LOSER!

[... What? Axl, you do understand Bluemaga just won the match? He beat Pigeon! With his arms tied behind his back, his eyes blindfolded, and standing on one leg! Bluemaga STILL beat the crap out of Pigeon! Face it, the Hierarchy's destined to lose this tournament!]

Axl: Lose? Oh, did I forget to mention? The final rule of a Hierarchy Rules match... is that it's a REVERSE first blood match!!!

[... "Reverse" First Blood Match? Now I KNOW you're insane...]

Axl: Narrator, it's obvious you've never heard of a reverse first blood match. It's simple ; The first man to make his opponent bleed... loses! And since this Blue Chump went and headbutted the crimson stuff right out of my man Pigeon, he, of course, LOST!!! It's as simple as that!

Rose: YES! Pigeon moves on in the tournament! The Hierarchy triumphs once again!

[Oh you have GOT to be kidding me! That's it, if Scotty and Styles can leave, so can I. You Hierarchy bastards can go ahead and find someone ELSE to narrate this crap! I'm OUTTA here!]

Rose: FINE! Who needs ya! Hell, Axl's match is up next, which means he won't be able to call the main event. So, I'll just take over the narrative duties, as Wes Rivers and Rex Winters take over the desk! ... Wait, who's facing Axl?

[Oh, I guess I'll do this one last narrative duty. SUDDENLY, "IronMan" by Black Sabbath kicks in... and out comes the man that killed WCW, IS killing TNA, and nearly killed BoB... the man that "made" DX, Stone Cold, and countless others! The man that made Crash TV and UberSwerves the norm! Ladies and gentlemen....]

[Vince Russo.]

[Axl... burn in hell. I'm outtie.]

Rose: NO!!! Dammit, no! It was supposed to be an April Fool's prank, damn you! He can't REALLY be here!!! ... IT'S HIM!!! Oh GOD no! Knowing him, he'll have every last wrestler in the history of the sport come down in a huge squash, just to put Axl away! This can't be! Russo... ugh, do I HAVE to do this? Dammit... Russo, the cold hearted bastard he is, walks through the curtains... for the first time in years here in Brawlers... I wish he never would have returned, but because Detached Narrator's a DICK, here he is! Russo walks down the ramp, as my beloved Axl stands in the ring, holding the chair previously used by Bluemaga... My God, this means that it's possible... it's actually POSSIBLE that Vince Fuckin' Russo could hold every one of the titles in BoB!!! Russo... Swiss Army Champion. Russo... Not Good Enough to Fight Alone Tag Team Champion. Vince FUCKING Russo... ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS?!?! This is the absolute blackest day in the history of not only wrestling... but the world. We'll return, with Wes and Rex manning the desk, for a main event of hellish proportions... NEXT.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

========
Axl vs D.N.
========

Rose: We return to Camel's Toe, in Sin City, where that DIRTBAG Vince Russo is walking down the ramp. I'm taking over the narrative position, as that turkey-raper Detached Narrator has decided to neglect his duties! Well, I'm better at this schtick anyway! So, at the commentary desk is Wes Rivers and Rex Winters. Take it away, guys!

Wes: Hello folks, what a main event we've got up next! It's both a Beer in the Belly Qualifying Match, as well as a first round match in the Grand Slam tournament.

Rex: Leader of the Hierarchy, Axl, is in the ring, and stepping into the ring right now is his opponent - Former WCW head writer, and current TNA writer, he's- well, he's got a microphone! Here he is folks, Vincent Kennedy Mc-

Wes: Uhm, Rex, you mean Vince RUSSO. Not... aw screw it, nevermind.

Russo: All you motha' fuckin' rednecks out there better show me some respect right gat dam now, ya hick pieces ah shit! I MADE this industry, and at UnFourGiven, I'm going to hold FOUR belts at one time, and there's not a gat damn person that can stop me - [turns to Axl] especially YOU... ya fuckin' QUEER!!!

Wes: Uh oh! Axl looks enfuriated at this comment! He's snapped!

Rex: Well, ya know what they say. The truth hurts.

Wes: True or not, Axl has pounced on Russo and is pounding away at him mercilessly! And now - Wait a minute... Just as Axl is about to go for the quick pin, he's pulled off by... Vince Russo???

Rex: Wait a minute... which Russo is the REAL Vince Russo?!

Wes: I haven't the foggiest idea! They both look exactly the same! This new Russo has taken Axl by surprise, and is now the one who is beating Axl with complete disregard.

Rex: And the other Russo has just rolled Axl up from behind? Generic Ref is so confused by all of this he's unable to make the count. Of course, I'm not sure if it's really due to the confusion, or if he's just as unable to count to three as he always is...

Wes: Either way, Axl kicks out, and is now going to town on BOTH Russos! He grabs one by the hair and the other as well, as slams their faces into one another. But hold on one second, is that... it COULDN'T be! A third Russo! And he's got a chair! He slams the damn thing over the back of Axl's head, and the self-proclaimed 'Savior' of BoB falls to his knees! The third Russo walks toward the other two and... hold-the-PHONE! Something extremely odd is going on...

Rex: What in the hell is happening to those guys' eyes?! They look like they're filling with electricity or something?!

Wes: Folks, these three cannot be Russo... atleast I don't think they can be! And now some sort of smoke is filling the ring... Soon it engulfs the entire ring, and just as suddenly it's gone... along with all THREE Russos! What in the holy living hell is going on here?!

Rex: This is insane, Wes! Axl is left in the corner, holding the back of his head, still in pain from that chair shot. He's staring at this display just as the rest of us are, without a clue of what's going on...

Rose: Axl! Can you hear me?!

Axl: I... Yeah, I can! What in the hell is going on here?! Rose, do something!

Rose: I can't Axl, I-

[Hello... ya stupid little WHORE!]

Rose: !!!

Axl: What's going on?! Rose, who's that with you?!

[It's me, you twit! Detached Narrator! Or should I say... Vince Russo #1, 2, and 3!!!]

Axl: You BASTARD!

[Hey, I try. But seriously. You thought you'd have it easy like that? You thought you'd get to face some jackass like Vince Russo, beat the crap out of him, and advance in the tournament? Well I don't THINK so, queer boy! It's time someone taught you a lesson, and that someone's gonna be ME, the all-powerful, all-mighty Detached Narrator! The most electrifying sports entertainer to never have a body of his own! Oh, and speaking of bodies, I have a bit of a... proposition, if you will.]

Axl: And what's that?

[Heheh... I'm going to be facing you in the form of seven different competitors. Gauntlet match rules. And if you win? You advance in the tournament, simple as that.]

Axl: Well... ok, you've got yourself a deal.

[Oh, and by the way. Heh... if you LOSE? Then Rose is MINE!!! Muahahahaha!]

Rose: WHAT?!?! AXL! I demand you drop out of the tournament and forfeit the match, right this instant! Pigeon's already advanced, we don't need you! ... I mean, you don't need the belts! I'm sure when Pigeon wins those belts, you can get the Swiss Army belt or something...

Axl: But... my love?

Rose: AXL. Do as I say, or you'll be sorry!

Axl: But...

[Heheh. What a pussy. He can't even fight because his CHICK won't let him! Axl, you disgust me. Obviously, you couldn't live without this woman telling you what to do and when to do it, and if she really means that much to you, I guess I'll take that little stipulation out.]

Axl: Really! Alright! Rose, is it alright if I fight NOW?

Rose: Sure. Go get 'em, tiger.

[Oh, by the way. New stipulation. If you lose, Axl? YOU'LL be my slave! For ETERNITY!]

Axl: :-O

[ >:-) ]

Axl: Rose, do you want me to back out of the match... ?

Rose: Uh... what do you have to lose?

Axl: ... ETERNITY!!!

Rose: Meh.

Axl: ...

[Let the games begin!!!]

Wes: What a strange twist of events! Now, Axl is in a seemingly seven on one predicament, and if he loses? He must spend an eternity as Detached Narrator's servant... and the Hierarchy will be without a leader!

Rex: Listen to that music Wes... it sounds like... "Back in Black"! And now the lights are flickering black and white! You know what that means!

Wes: Uhm... no, actually, I don't?

Rex: The sWo is in... the... houuuse!!!

Wes: Oh GOD no... But they're they are. Well, atleast, Detached Narrator in the FORM of the sWo. Hack Hokum, Kevin Slash, and their leader, Reeve Gordon. All three of them are walking down to the ring as a unit, so I believe Axl will be facing them as a unit...

Rex: DN really isn't pulling any punches, is he Wes?

Wes: That he isn't. Reeve slides into the ring and immediately gets in Axl's face, shoving him into the ropes... Axl bounces off and comes back with a clothesline attempt, which Reeve ducks underneath and - WAM! Superkick to the back of the head! Axl stumbles forward, right into the waiting grasp of Kevin Slash's meaty right hook. Slash picks Axl up and plants him with the massive chokeslam! Hack Hokum leaps into the air and comes crashing back down over Axl's throat with a big leg drop! Reeve goes for the pin... but Axl quickly sends him flying off his chest before Reeve even picks up the two count.

Rex: I can't believe Axl was actually able to kick out of that! All three of these men... or whatever you want to call them -

Wes: A real three in one. Or should I say, one in THREE, heh.

Rex: Whatever you call them, they're bringing the onslaught to Axl, but yet he's still fighting through!

Wes: And yet, they're still trying their damndest to beat him to a pulp. Hack and Slash both grab Axl by the throat, and lift him into the air for a double chokeslam... but WOW, he just brought them BOTH head first to the ground with a nice snap double ddt! They're both lying on the ground, grabbing onto their heads... Reeve begins to sneak up from behind...

Rex: SUPERKICK!!!

Wes: Yes, Axl, somehow, someway, felt Reeve coming, and turned around, knocking Reeve off his feet, with a superkick so loud you could hear it in the nosebleed section!

Rex: Payback's a bitch, baby!

Wes: Axl pins Reeve, and just as he picks up the three count, all three members of the sWo vanish into clouds of smoke! And, hey, someone's coming through the curtain... someone in a black robe and hood? Wait... Rex, you know that guy, Garth Vader?

Rex: Yeah, what about him?

Wes: Well, there's been a rumor floating around that there's someone higher than he that is set to help the Hierarchy claim more power. Someone with a higher position in power than Garth.

Rex: What, you mean a Higher Power?

Wes: SHHH! BoB might get sued by WWE if you use that term!

Rex: Uh... The Mega Power?

Wes: That'll be a lawsuit, too! So would Chris Powers, Jim Powers, Johnny Powers, Ron Powers, Scott Powers, Terri Powers, Allied Powers, Polish Power, Power & Glory, Power Company Twins, Power Team USA, The Power Trip, Power Twins, Powers of Pain, Super Powers, and the Power Hour.

Rex: ... The Superior Power?

Wes: That might work.

Rex: Whoever it is, they're staring right at Axl. Axl has a confused look on his face...

Wes: And now they're departing back through the curtains. And of my GOD! Axl was just attacked from behind by... raYne and Tony Spaghetti?!

Rex: DN's next form! The World's Gayest Tag Team has returned... sorta.

Wes: raYne and Tony are stomping Axl into the ground... Tony pulls Axl up, grabs him by the arms in a full nelson, and now raYne is sending kick after kick flying Axl's way! And finishes off with a HUGE kick right to the side of the head! Tony pushes Axl down to the canvas, and raYne is going for the pin...

Generic Ref: 1...2... ... 2... ......... 2... ... 17?

Rex: Tony has just been pissed off due to the referee's slow... or perhaps just stupid... count, and the Italian Stallion has ripped the ref from the mat and is backing him up into the corner... raYne is rolling out of the ring and grabbing a chair... he tosses it in... before pulling a table from out beneath the ring! raYne slides the table into the ring, and rolls in himself. Tony grabs the chair, and begins to unload on Axl!!!

Wes: This duo of DN's is simply ripping Axl apart! There be no chance for the former hair metalist. Tony raises the chair above himself and is about to drive the killing blow into Axl's back... but wait a damn minute! raYne is standing in front of Tony, asking for him to drop the chair! What's going on here?

Rex: raYne's asking for Axl to grab onto his hand... ? And after raYne pulls Axl up, raYne... EWWW!!! raYne just locked on the Kiss of Death! It looks like all of that was just a set-up! I don't think Axl has any choice but to tap here... but... wait, is Axl ENJOYING this???

Wes: He's sure as hell not fighting it!

Rex: Tony's beginning to look a bit worried now... he rips raYne away from Axl and begins to argue with his lover... I guess even when they're just DN in disguise, there's enough gayness in the names raYne and Tony Spagetti themselves to translate into a lover's quarrel!

Wes: Hey, it's wrestling folks. No logic required. Anyway, the "lovers" raYne and Tony are bickering... and while they do so, Axl rolls Tony up from behind! But raYne is quick to break it up.

Rex: raYne and Axl are now trading lefts and rights... Axl sends raYne into the ropes... raYne goes for a Velvet Cutter on the return, but Axl turns it around into a backslide pin! And Axl picks up the one... the two... and the three!!! And just like that, raYne and Tony have vanished! That's five down, two to go for Axl.

Wes: But after what he's gone through already, Axl is exhausted! He's kneeling on the mat, with his head lowered... he looks up, only to find... HIS BROTHER?!

Rex: It's Viruz! Or... is it?

Wes: Viruz is extending a hand to pull Axl up to his feet... Axl stands thanks to Vi... and the two embrace! Maybe Axl has a tag partner for the next two, the LAST two, forms of Detached Narrator!

Rex: But would DN allow that?

Wes: Wait, music is playing... sounds like... the Ramones?

Rex: Good gravy, DN wouldn't choose Coma and... what, Hallucination Boy... would he?

Wes: Axl and Viruz are standing side by side, fists at the ready, and -

*THWACK*

Wes: Son of a BITCH!

Rex: What a low down, dirty rotten, no good trick! "Viruz" just whipped around with an enziguri to his "brother"! It WAS Detached all that time!

Wes: I should have known it! And now that bastard is taking it to Axl like... like... like a rabid monkey or something!

Rex: Vi pulls Axl to his feet, and whips him into the corner... before heading toward the opposite side... Vi runs toward Axl, leaps into the air, and comes down harshly with a swift body splash. He comes out of the corner, with a side headlock on Axl, and hits a running bulldog.

Wes: I wonder who DN could possibly have in mind for his final form... IF Axl can make it past Viruz?

Rex: I have no idea, but whoever it is, if THIS form is any indication, then Axl might have to take the fall before it's too late!

Wes: I have faith in our leader, Rex. As his official commentary team, I believe we owe it to the Axl-holics to call this thing right down the middle... in Axl's favor, of course.

Rex: ... Of course.

Wes: Viruz is delievering the rights and lefts to the mush of our beloved leader, who is struggling to grab the ropes. Axl finally manages to throw his arms around the bottom rope, and the ref breaks up the barrage of fists. Vi climbs the corner post... Axl stands up, and Viruz soars through the air, going for a dragonrana... but Axl manages to snatch Viruz out of the air, and rotates a few times before planting Vi with an Evil-Lution Bomb!

Rex: Axl might stand a chance after all!

Wes: You're damn right he does! But Axl collapsed right after nailing the maneuvre, so he can't follow up on the move with a pin. Vi is already climbing to his feet, with Axl barely moving. Vi heads over to the fallen Axl and reaches down... but Axl rolls him up! He was playing possum!

Rex: The ref counts the two, but no three. Axl stands up and gives the ref an evil look, but decides not to bother with him, and leave his focus on his "brother", who he whips into the ropes. Once Vi returns, Axl leaps over him, and pulls of a sunset flip pin, which gets only a two.

Wes: Axl pulls Vi to a vertical base, before hitting a quick snap suplex, and floating over for the pin, which earns him another two count. Viruz definitely isn't going to go down like DN's other transformations. He's combined the skills of all those other five men into one being, the athletically gifted brother of Axl.

Rex: And that's why I think Axl has a tough, uphill battle ahead of him.

Wes: He very well may...

Rex: Axl grabs Vi by his long ponytail, and pulls him up, but just as he does, Vi slaps Axl across the chest vicously with a vile knife-edge chop. Axl backs up a few steps... and runs in toward Axl, gore-ing him to the mat. The two roll to the outside, trading fists the entire way... Wait, someone's coming through the audience... it's Rose!

Wes: Ha! Now we're talkin'! Rose is setting up the table that raYne slid in a little while ago. Rose rests the table against the top turnbuckle, and grabs the chair... before tossing it outside to Axl, who grabs it and brings it smashing down over the skull of Vi. Vi falls backward, leaning against the apron. Axl drops the chair and rolls Vi into the ring... Rose lifts Vi and and holds him in front of the table... Axl heads to the opposite corner... before-

*SMASH*

Rex: GORE! GORE! GORRRE!!!

Wes: Viruz has just been driven through the table... Axl goes for pin, and gets one, two, fourteen... eleventy-five? ... THREE!

Rex: You just shouted three.

Wes: Well hell, generic ref was never going to get there. Anyway, Viruz finally vanishes, and - Someone ELSE is coming through the crowd... is that... Tifa Bon JOVI!

Rex: It's Axl's old girlfriend... or valet... or agent. Whatever. But wait... is she fighting Axl? Is SHE DN's final form? ...

Wes: Rose's eyes go wide... she instantly begins to tussle with Tifa, and the two fight through the fans... Axl is left staring out from beside the ropes inside the ring, as his girlfriend and ex-manager battle to the backstage area... As they finally are out of sight, Axl turns around and - HOLY CRAP! Standing in the middle of the ring... in tight, ripped jeans ; a star-studded belt ; a white shirt with the black 'GwarTellica' logo ; and enough make-up to paint the outside of a tour bus... and of course, the long, blonde, big hair... it's AXL.

Rex: Oh jumpin' jimmy jack jesus CHRIST! First we've got three Russos, now we've got two Axls?! But the only difference is, the fake Axl has more color on his face than the real Axl has on his entire body! Past meets present! The battle of the goth poser vs the glam rocker! Axls collide!!!~1

Wes: To face Axl, Detached Narrator has actually chosen as his final form... Axl himself! This is unbelievable, folks! Both Axls are standing merely feet apart from eachother, and soon, the fate of the real Axl will be determined when either he... or Detached Narrator under the guise of Axl's old self... walk away with the win. Axl and Axl are already taking it to eachother. From now on I'll refer to DN's Axl as "Axl".

Rex: ... Huh?

Wes: "Axl". So that he's not confused with Axl.

Rex: ... That sounds exactly the same to me...

Wes: Trust me. The fans reading this at home will understand.

Rex: ... Reading?

Wes: NEVERMIND. "Axl" has caught Axl off guard, and has managed to capitalize on this advantage. "Axl" whips Axl into the ropes, Axl rebounds, and "Axl" picks up and drops Axl with a massive spinebuster, rocking the canvas. "Axl" goes for the pin cover, and gets a one for his trouble. "Axl" -

Rex: Axl, Axl, Axl, Axl... God that's alot of Axls...

Wes: Ahem... "Axl" drops an elbow on Axl, before picking himself up and dropping another elbow on his doppleganger. Or would that be dopplegangee...

Rex: ... Huh?

Wes: You know, since "Axl's" the doppleganger of Axl, would that make Axl "Axl's" dopplegang'ee'?

Rex: ... ... ... HUH?

Wes: ... And Axl manages to roll out of the way of one more of "Axl's" elbows. Axl picks up the chair and lifts it over his head... but its taken away! By Tifa! She's rolled into the ring and apprehended Axl's chair, and is about to use it on him, when Rose rolls into the ring and pulls it away from her, Tifa turns around, and just like that is knocked out by the clash of steel upon bone and flesh. Tifa rolls out of the ring, falling upon the outside mats... Rose hands the chair back to Axl... but just as Rose is halfway out of the ring, "Axl" rolls Axl up from behind!!!

Rex: The bad... or is that good... Axl gets a one, two...

*SMASH*

Wes: YES! Guitar shot by Rose on the back of "Axl's" head!

Rex: He falls to the mat, surrouded by bits of broken guitar... The Hierarchy's Axl falls, exhausted, on top of DN's Axl! Axl's covering Axl!

Wes: This could be it!!! One! Two! Three! Axl wins! Axl wins! He's qualified for the Beer in the Belly Ladder Match and will move on in the Grand Slam Tournament! All right, all right! I hear you! Fans, I'm told we're desperately out of time so I should stop talking. For Styles, Scotty Whatbody and Rex, join us next week as Steve Roydz takes on Kamikazie Ken and some other less important BOB matches! All hail the Hierarchy!
=============================================
BoB : Total Non-Action Wrestling : iMPLOSION! 4 - 04/30/08
=============================================
========
Steve Roydz vs Kamikaze Ken
========

[The Hierarchy Announce Table has been set up outside the ring, and Axl and Rose have taken their positions. Suddenly, the Imperial March begins to play, and the fans quickly turn their attention to the entrance...]

Axl: Garth? ... I thought he was away in space tuning up the Jobbertothe Star? ... Or something?

Rose: Axl, the Jobbertothe Star isn't really a space ship. It's like...an Earth ship.

Axl: Soo... it's a boat?

Rose: No.

Axl: ...

Rose: Anyways, since this is Hierarchy's iMPLOSION!, and since Generic Ref's injured, I've decided to appoint him as the special guest referee for this next match-up.

Axl: Ah... Well, why couldn't I be the ref? I'm fair. I always call things like I see them. And most importantly, I can count to three, unlike OTHER refs! Generic, I'm lookin' at you! And besides, I'm hot! Garth is... well... If he was so hot he wouldn't hide behind a mask, right?

Rose: Yeah, yeah, but you have to sit by me and call this match. If you get involved in the ring, who knows what'll happen. You might start making out with Kamikaze Ken or something.

Axl: I WILL NOT!

Rose: Of course you won't... But the temptation's still there.

Axl: >:-(

Rose: Hey, I call things like I see them too, ;-)

[Garth Vader emerges from the curtains, wearing a long, flowing black cape, his trademark black helmet, and a new addition to his wardrobe ; a referee's t-shirt, only instead of the usual black and white striped affair, the white stripes have been replaced with darkish silvery ones, reinforcing the 'dark side' of Vader.]

Nurse Heidi: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is both a first round bout in the Grand Slam Tournament, as well as a qualifier for the Beer in the Belly six-man ladder match at UnFourGiven! Please welcome the special guest referee for the following contest, he is the Dark Lord of the Ring, Garth... VADERRR!

Axl: Honey, I think I would have made an alright referee! I mean, I can slap my hand on a floor... I can yell at people to stop choking out other people before the count of five...

Rose: Can you shut up?

Axl: Yes, sweetie...

Nurse Heidi: And now, introducing first - Weighing in at 230 pounds ; Standing 5 feet, 11 inches ; Hailing from Banzai Falls, Georgia... Kamikazeee KENNN!!!

[Almost as soon as "Ride of the Valkyries" begins to play, the sound of a record scratching is heard, and the music is replaced by the sounds of War's "LowRider". Ken comes through the curtains... driving, of course, a lowrider.]

Rose: What in the hell is that idiot doing?! If he's planning on running over Steve...

Axl: Don't worry honey bunch, if he tries anything funny, then I'll give him a taste of Evil-Lution!

Rose: ... Let's hope Steve can handle things...

[Ken stops the vehicle, and begins to kick in the hydraulics. The car's front wheels begin to bounce up and down off the floor a few times... each time, the bounce becoming higher and higher... until - ]

Axl: HOLY -

*CRASH!*

Rose: Holy HELL! ... YES! Forfeit! Forfeit! Ken can't compete, so Steve wins! In your FACE Kamikaze 'TARD!

[Unfortunately for Ken, the car bounced so far up, that it actually fell BACKWARDS, landing on it's top. Leave it to Ken to make even driving a lowrider XTREME~! Of course, knowing Ken, that only left him with a few scrapes and bruises...]

Axl: I cannot BELIEVE it! He's climbing out from underneath the wreckage... and the bastard just did a Guerrero style shimmy shake! Pig Latino Heat must be spinning in his grave!

Rose: He's dead?

Axl: ... Uh... Yup. ... Probably.

Rose: ... Ah.

Axl: But unfortunately, Ken isn't. DAMMIT, now Steve does have to fight! Garth better do his job...

Rose: Axl, Garth will do his job. You just do YOUR job and call the action. ... Ok, sweetie?

Axl: Of course, sugar bear...

Rose: I've got an idea. Ken wants to pull a Guerrero? Well, I've got something up my sleeve. Steve's been looking to find a good gimmick to latch onto, and I've been talking to him about it. So, beginning tonight... Steve Roydz goes HOLLYWOOD!

Axl: ... Say what now?

Speakers: Booyaka, Booyaka... Booyaka, Booyaka, 6-1-, 6-1-9... Booyaka, Booyaka... Whatcha Gonna Do When We Come For You?!

[Suddenly, "Booyaka 619" by POD begins to play, and a small blast of pyro hits on stage... Possibly a firecracker or something. One of those small... child-safe ones... And thanks to quick editing, Steve Roydz appears, hopping up slightly to try and give off a 'Mysterio soaring into the air' effect. Of course, although it was only a mild hop, I'm sure for ol' Steve it was like a leap of monumental effort... Wait, is that jackass wearing a Mysterio mask? ... So, what, is his new gimmick that of a luchadore? Hey, if Rey-Rey got a push by taking steroids, then this guy HAS to have the Grand Slam tourney in the bag... I wonder why Super Crazy hasn't gotten the message yet?]

Axl: So... uhm... I'm sorta confused here. Steve's wearing his usual black and red 'Super Man/Scott Steiner' tights... and a Mysterio mask. That barely fits. ... Rose?

Rose: Like I said, he's going Hollywood! Anything any OTHER wrestler can do, he can do BETTER. And from now on, he's going to prove it!

Axl: He can't do what I do!

Rose: Of course not, darling. HE'S not gay. ;-)

Axl: >:-(

Rose: Anyway -

Axl: HE'S A BODYBUILDER! ALL bodybuilders are gay! ... Dag nabbit...

Rose: ANYWAY... It looks as though we've got a new chapter in the legendary Mysterio/Guerrero feud.

Axl: Well, as long as Steve-o has as much luck as the original Mysterio did against the original Guerrero, everything's peachy... He messes this up though? He'll have to answer to ME!

Rose: Axl.

Axl: I meant you... pookie.

Rose: Much better. And besides, THIS Mysterio's 20 times larger and heavier than who we have for Guerrero!!! Steve's a shoe-in.

Axl: I'm sure you're right, baby cakes...

Nurse Heidi: And the opponent, weighing in at 256 pounds ; Standing 6 feet, 3 inches ; Hailing from Hollywood, CA... he is the master of the HeadLock... Steveee ROYDZ!!!

Axl: Steve climbs into the ring, and I think that's the first time I've seen a 'luchadore' get into the ring by climbing over the top rope...

Rose: Ken doesn't stand a chance! He's standing on one side of the ring, Steve on the other, and Referee Garth stands between the both of them. And as Ken walks up to Steve, patting himself on the chest ala Guerrero, Roydz simply shoves Ken away like he was a child! HA! Chump...

Axl: And Garth seems to be whispering something to Steve... I'm sure it's just a few pointers on how to take down a BoB veteran like Ken...

Rose: Of course...

Both: ... BWAHAHA!

Axl: Ahhh, I kill myself.

Rose: But seriously folks, Garth has just signalled for the bell, and as soon as it sounds, Steve rushes toward Ken with what looks to be a simply massive clothesline... DAMMIT, Ken ducks under... he springboards off the ropes, and as Steve turns around, Ken goes for a cross-body... thank GOD Steve catches the little monkey! Steve hits a Fallaway Slam -

[Almost killing Ken in the process... The guy seriously needs to go back into training...]

Rose: WAS I TALKING TO YOU?!

[Hey, unlike your bitch of a boy toy Axl Van Halen - ]

Axl: IT'S JUST AXL! AXL! ARGHHH!

[... Unlike AXL, I don't take crap from some sleaze bag tramp!]

Rose: You ASShole! Nobody speaks to me like that! That's IT! From now on, we're having a REAL narrator narrate Hierarchy matches!!! BJ, take over!]

{Bah Gawd folks, and welcome to another slobber knockerin', hall-fahr and brimstonin'- }

[OH HELL NO! TOUCH OF DEATH!]

{Bah Gawd, I'm chokin' on bar-bee-cue sauce! I'm sorry good ol' Axl, I'm... I'm... *urp*}

Axl: NOOOOOO!!! NOT Good ol' BEN JOSS!!! YOU KILLED HIM! YOU BASTARD!!!

[HA! Now it looks like Ken's going for... The Three Amigos? ...]

Axl: Does he ACTUALLY think he's going to pick Steve up even ONCE?! Hahaha, this really IS going to be easy!

Rose: Steve easily shoves Ken off, before kicking him in the gut, doubling the poor dummy over.

Axl: Steve tosses Ken between his knees, picks him up, and plants him into the canvas with a massive powerbomb!

[Sloppy...]

Axl: - BUT EFFECTIVE! Grr... I'll never get over the loss of BJ...

[I'm sure you miss BJ, alright. You probably haven't had a good BJ since Tifa left your ass!]

Axl: I DROPPED TIFA!!!

[Phff... twas only a matter of time before she kicked your ass to the curb. And speaking of kicking, just as Steve picked up Ken, Kam hit a very nice eziguri, sending Steve tumbling backwards... and out through the ropes, slamming hard to the outside! Looks like you guys are about to be down one member in the tournament!]

Rose: I wouldn't lead my horses before they've hatched!

[... Jigga-wha'?]

Axl: Ken bounces off the set of ropes farthest from Steve's position out on the floor... Ken comes running toward Steve's side, springboards off the top rope with a shooting star press, but Steve manages to catch him over his shoulder, he turns around and... Snake eyes on the apron! Ken's head rattles hard against the side of the ring... Steve rolls Ken back in under the bottom rope, and climbs onto the apron. Ken finally stands up, turns around... wait... Steve seems to be trying to leap onto the top rope... What the hell is he doing???

Rose: Isn't it obvious? He's going for his signature West Coast Pop! Duh!

Axl: Oh... silly me. Steve uses all his agility to jump onto the top rope, but as he does, he tangles up with the top rope, trips, and falls to the mat. ... Tell me again why he tried that?

Rose: Axl, don't you DARE get snippy with me! Steve knew what he was doing! He's trying to throw Ken of, that's all. Trying to give him a false sense of security... I hope...

Axl: Ken rolls Steve over, goes for the pin... but Steve tosses Ken off, sending him all the way over Garth, and rolling across the canvas to the other side of the ring. Steve hooks Ken by his mask, pulls him to a verical base, whips him across the ring, and on his way back, Steve brings Ken down lying over the middle rope with a drop-toe-hold. Steve lifts a finger into the air... what is he going for now?

Rose: His move! The move that's going to put Ken away for good! The C19...H2802.

Axl: ... What in the hell is THAT?

Rose: The chemical formula for testosterone.

Axl: ... Wow. ... Anyway, Steve runs toward Ken, still draped over the middle rope... He goes to swing through - ... I said, he goes to swing through - ... Well, he TRIES to swing through the ropes anyway... All he really seems to be doing is running toward the ropes, stopping, and then throwing a fit and kicking at the ropes and pulling on them like a rabid chiauaua. Why doesn't he understand the fact that he's NOT a luchadore? He's a friggin' BODYBUILDER for God's sake! The only way he's getting through those ropes is if he... welp, there ya go...

Rose: Dammit, the big bull-headed oaf just fell through the damn ropes! And now Ken's gotten back up and he's heading up top! SON-OF-A-BITCH, he just hit the 780 Ken-ton! Steve's shaking violently from the impact... Axl, you HAVE to do something! This is the Hierarchy's show, now go... DO SOMETHING!!!

Axl: Yes, my queen!

Rose: Ahem!

Axl: ... my... king?

Rose: Get over there!!! And make it quick!

[Axl rushes toward the pile of Ken and Roydz... Axl slowly drags Steve up, barely able to lift him, and shoves Steve back into the ring under the bottom rope... Axl slides into the ring and whispers something to Garth... Garth's counting Ken out!!!]

Rose: YES! 1-2-3-4-5!!! Finally, Axl uses some brain power! 6-7-8-9- DAMMIT, NO! Ken rolled back into the ring!!! This cannot be happening!!! That's it, time for some back-up. Vader, call in the reinforcements!!!

Garth Vader: Hmm... *wheeze* ... Dollar-Store Troopers, fall out!!!

["The Imperial March" plays, and about ten or so men walk through the curtains, dressed in the cheapest looking Storm Trooper outfits imagineable. A few of the 'Troopers' look to be 300-400 pounds, barely fitting in the suits' crappy material. The men surround the ring, holding guns at the ready (super soakers, of course), and as they stand still, Axl standing beside Vader, with both participants of the match lying weary on the mat, Vader calls out once again...]

Garth Vader: And now... *wheeze* ... My brother.

[His... brother? "Duel of the Fates" plays and... wait a minute. Two Dollar-Store Troopers standing by the entrance pull the curtain open... the lights dim a bit, and out comes...]

Rose: GARTH MAUL!!!~1 YES!!! Prepare to suffer, Kamikaze FOOL!

[Holy hell... First Vader... now Maul? Pretty soon we're gonna have a whole friggin' Star Wars convention in the Camel's Toe... "Garth Maul" walks out, wearing full red and black paint, and he's carrying what appears to be a broom stick, painted black in the middle and red on both ends. Maul walks slowly to the ring, before stepping up the ring stairs, and through the top and middle ropes...]

Rose: Give him a taste of your double lightsaber! Make Ken feel the wrath of the Dark Side!!!

[Axl and Vader both grab Ken by an arm, leaving him prone for multiple shots from the "lightsaber". Axl and Vader throw Ken to the ground... wait a minute, it's Insano Mano!!! Ken's friend/rival is charging down the ramp, carrying a chair! Mano roars into the ring, swinging wildly, as Axl, Vader, and Maul scatter like roaches! Mano rolls out of the ring, but as soon as he does, the ten or more Storm Trooper rip-offs pounce.]

Rose: Kill the bastard! Keep him from going back in the ring! Mano can NOT take out Steve with that blasted chair! The Troopers are tearing Mano apart, one of them even using Mano's own chair against him. This is great! Wait a minute, Steve is stirring... but so is Ken!!! Ken tries for a last ditch flying forearm shot... but Steve catches him, turns the masked man around and... HEADLOCK! HEADLOCK! He's got Ken trapped in the HeadLock! The most dreaded submission hold in the history of the game! Choke him out, Steve! Ken's becoming limp... he's drooping... here comes Duff with a referee's shirt on! Duff slides under the bottom rope into position, and lifts Mano's hand up once... it falls. Twice... it falls again! Come on Steve-o, do it for the Hierarchy!

---------------------------

Styles: What happened to the end of the match?

[Cut to Trey Vincent in the "production truck," which looks an awful lot like Trey Vincent's apartment?]

TV: The fans don't deserve to see the end of the match! MWAHAHAHAHA! No, actually, we're not giant dicks like the WWE cutting to black at the end of a match. No, it was just a bad editing job tonight, actually. Don't drink and edit, kids! Whoopsie. My bad. Steve Roydz won. And Scotty, my apologies in advance for stepping on your line right now. If you'll excuse me, the Continuity Police have requested my presence at the station. Later, fackjucks.
==============================================
=======
MySpace...
=======
+ ~ ~ Steve Studnuts promo - Don't quit the day job... ~ ~ +

--- continued in progress ---

Connie: Well, sing his song then. You know about his one hit, Achy Breaky Heart.

Studs: I won't sing that shit even for the sake of makin' it dirty. Fuck that mullet havin' faggot. I ain't singin' jack shit of Billy Gay Cyrus.

Connie: Lee Greenwood then!

Studs: Oh that's easy...

From the lakes of Minnesota,
to the hills of Tennessee----
all the bitches in the world,
want to get --- with---- me.

I'm proud to be an AMER-I-CAN
with a great ----big -----giant----- schlong.
I know---- that bitch---- will suck my dick....
just as soon as it gets long.

It will proudly STAND UP!
A- tten- tion----
and ready for pu-SAY!

Cause there ain't no doubt,
I loooooooooove pu-SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Thank God----that I'm not gay!

Connie: Steve, please don't quit your day job.

Studs: Well, it could be worse. At least I'm not holdin' up the gatdamn show because I got cock bumps on my tongue like Axl did. Fuckin' queer bait motherfucker.

Connie: What are you talking about?

Studs: It's an inside joke, fuck--- do I have to explain every gatdamn thing?

Dr. Thrilla, if I haven't already----I'm gonna beat your fuckin' ass into a thin paste, jerkweed.

And if you take the Swiss Army Belt Title of whatever the fuck they call it now, it's only because I was late with this. But not because I have penis blisters in my mouth like Axl, but just because I'm a lazy motherfucker.

Ya dig?

~~~static~~~
=======================================================================================================================

~ Residence of Evil... Sinister City, Utah... Living Room. ~

[Axl is sitting at his computer, working on his MySpace (yes, he has a MySpace, so what, big whoop, wanna fight about it?).]

Axl: Let's see... Status? In a Relationship... Here for? ... Well, it doesn't have 'Allowing the World to Share in the Awesomeness of Me', so I guess I'll put friends... Orientation? ... Uh...

[Rose walks up behind Axl as he hovers his mouse past 'Bi', and onto 'Gay/Lesbian'... possibly towards 'Straight']

Rose: AHEM...

Axl: Huh! [turns around] Oh, hey Rose. Man my tounge's been a bitch lately... Thank God I'm not scheduled to wrestle, or I'd have to forfeit.

Rose: Axl. What's with the 'Gay' thing on your MySpace?

Axl: You mean the picture of two guys kissing? That's just a symbol of my sense of freedom of love...

Rose: No, not that -

Axl: You mean the picture of Burt Reynolds naked?

Rose: ... NO. You were just about to click on 'Gay/Lesbian' for Orientation... I TOLD you! Now the cat's out of the bag!

Axl: Uhhh... [turns his head and sees this] ... Uhm... [turns back to Rose] ... That's a coincidence, huh sweetiekins?

Rose: It's ok Axl, I understand. You think of me as the ultimate man. The looks of the hottest of hot women... with the strong backbone of the kind of a man you need. You know, the kind that fights all your battles for you.

Axl:

Rose: It's fine, don't worry hun. Your secret's safe with me... and the people watching this promo. Which probably includes ol' Studs. By the way... I found a business card in the pocket of your favorite leather skirt.

Axl: ... From where?

Rose: [takes the card out of her pocket and shows it to Axl] Spankee's. You know, the gay men's club on Velvet Avenue?

[Axl takes the card from Rose and looks at it.]

Axl: Huh... Ohhh, now I remember. I went there to meet with an old friend from high school. He just so happened to be in Sinister City to visit his parents.

Rose: So, what, he invited you over to a gay club for a few drinks to celebrate old times? And then what, maybe play spin the bottle?!

Axl: Babe, come on, it was his birthday! His dad was there, his grandpa, even his brother! I was his BEST friend, not his boyfriend, ok? Trust me, you're all the woman... or man... I can handle.

Rose: Hm... well, fine. But where DID you get that blister from if it isn't from... you know.

Axl: Ohhh, that? That's simple. I can't believe you'd think that came from something as wild and out there as me being GAY, heheh.

Rose: Then what IS it from, hmm?

Axl: Well, remember a couple of nights ago when we were using the whips and knives?

Rose: Yeah? So?

Axl: Well, remember when we thought it'd be cool to shit in eachother's mouths?

Rose: Ohh, yeah, I remember, teehee That was AWESOME!

Axl: Well, it seems like my tounge's allergic to feces.

Rose: Oh. Damn. Well... urine?

Axl: Hm... nope.

Rose: ...

Axl: ... ;D

Rose: First one to the bedroom is Connie's clit!

Axl: Ewww! I am SO there!

[As Axl races to the master bedroom, Rose begins to take off... but stops and turns her head to the computer. It seems as though while they were talking, Axl completed the changes to his 'Space...]

Rose: Orientation... 'Not Sure'.

[Rose looks at the screen with a bit of bewilderement... before turning and taking off toward the bedroom...]

- the -
=============================================
BoB : Total Non-Action Wrestling : iMPLOSION! 6 - 05/14/08
=============================================
========
Viruz vs Insano Mano
========

["The Imperial March" plays, and the curtains part. Four Dollar-Store Troopers march down the ramp in single file, the lead Trooper carrying a standardized Dark Side Super Soaker. The two middle troopers each carry a trash can, and the one bringing up the rear, the chubbiest of the three, carries a long piece of cardboard. Once the Troopers arrive outside the ring, they set up the Hierarchy Announce Desk, with the trooper carrying the water gun setting up two steel chairs. They then take a standing position behind the makeshift "table".]

["I Am Evil" by Darc-Soulz hits, and the audience begins to boo rauceously, letting Axl and Rose have the full force of the crowd's hate as they make their way through the curtains. Axl and Rose stop on the stage, as Axl turns toward Rose and the two begin to kiss... Axl slowly lifting his foot up behind him. As they finally remove themselves from eachother's lips, the couple walks down the ramp until they come to the desk. Rose sits down, but Axl poses for the crowd, even blowing a kiss, before Ross pulls Axl down onto his chair.]

Rose: Hello, and welcome to another thrilling edition of Hierarchy iMPLOSION!!!~1 I'm Rose, and with me as always is my girlfriend, Axl. Say hello to the humanoids, dumpling.

Axl: Hey there, hi there, ho -

Rose: Today, you will all bare witness to one of the most fast paced, in your face, death defying, thrill rides of a match EVER presented in wrestling history!

Axl: The only way it could get better is if I were involved!

Rose: If you were in there instead of your brother, it wouldn't be fast paced, it wouldn't be death defying, and sure as hell wouldn't be a thrill ride. You're kinda like the Randy Orton of BoB, honey.

Axl: I am not! Atleast I don't use an OMGCHINLOCK~!!! every five minutes...

Rose: Yeah, you manage to bore the crowd to tears without resorting to a resthold. All of your matches are like one giant resthold anyway. Called the 'Bathroom Break'.

Axl: >:-(

Rose: :-P

["Mexican Hat Dance" by the Arriba Brothers plays, and Insano Man bursts through the curtains, running down the ramp and sliding into the ring, before flipping over onto his feet in one fluid motion. Insano springs onto a turnbuckle, pumping a fist into the air, as he gathers a few cheers from the audience. Mano hops back down from the post, and stands in the center of the ring, fists at the ready... When suddenly, Axl grabs a microphone and stands up behind the Hierarchy Announce Desk.]

Axl: INSANO!

[Insano turns toward Axl, his fists as ready as ever for a fight.]

Axl: I forgot to mention something at the start of this match. In celebration of this being the... uh... 6th episode of Hierarchy iMPLOSION!, You're going to face my brother Viruz in a special... HANDICAP match! That's right. You... are going to team with a partner. And that partner? Is THIS man!

["You Spin Me Right Round" plays... and a forklift emerges from the curtains. A forklift carrying a washing machine.]

Axl: Oh, did I say "man"? I meant CLEANING APPLIANCE! He's a former NWA:ROH EastSouthNorthern West Division JuniorSuperHeavyweight Champion! He is... UNIT FOURTY-TWOOO!!! He goes by the nickname of "The Answer", as every single question in Life, the Universe, and Everything Else leads to his bright, shiny, metal exterior! Forklift operator, wheel Mano's partner down to the ring and just... dump him. I'm sure he can manage to climb onto the apron himself. ;-)

Mano: EL POOPOO HEADO!!!! *spits on the mat in Axl's direction*

Axl: Meh, the same to you taco breath! Oh... and by the way...

[As the forklift drops 'Unit 42' off at ringside, an evil smirk spreads across Axl's face, as he clutches the microphone in his grip...]

Axl: I didn't exactly mean this was going to be a 2 on 1 handicap match in your favor... What I MEANT... was the following match is a 2... on SIX handicap match! MUAHAHAHAHA!!! Your ass is grass, Mano, and this time? It won't be you mowing it! Viruz, bro, bring out the infantry!!!

["Twisted Transistor" by Korn plays, and the four Dollar Store Troopers that were standing behind the Desk make their way toward the curtains before exiting through them. Viruz comes out, and is followed by Bluemaga, and they are soon joined by four men who look like VERY cheap imitations of the WWE's Randy Orton, JBL, Triple H, and John Cena. In fact, the JBL rip off is black, and besides the attire, bears more of a resemblence to Bradshaw's old partner Farooq. The Cena rip off is perhaps even lamer looking than Cena, Vanilla Ice, AND Pete Trabel wrapped up into one great big giant wigger ball. Randy Orton's imposter.... well, really, he looks just as dumb as the real thing. But as for the HHH imposter, he looks to be three times as large as the man he's ripping off... and NOT in muscle. It's obvious this guy isn't roided up, as he looks to have eaten everything in catering and then some before even making his entrance.]

Axl: Everyone already knows Bluemaga, but I've rounded up four other men who are so totally NOT just Dollar Store Troopers in different outfits. ... Seriously... they aren't. ... They're a few other former champions from NWA:ROH champs. Introducing - John Semen ... Randy Moron ... Ron "Damn" Layfield ... and "The Girth", TRRRRRIIIIPPPPLLLEEE AY-CHAAA!!!

[Wow, HOW original. Always SO creative, Axl...]

Axl: HEY! Names don't matter. If they did then David Flair would actually be relevant! So shut your damn Detached yap, slut bag!

[... You suck.]

Axl: I try.

[You TRY to suck?]

Axl: MOVING ON. [drops the microphone and sits back down at the desk, with Rose smiling at her BOY TOY. Yeah, I said it...]

Rose: I'm proud of you, ya know?

Axl: Hey, I may be your bitch, but I still know how to handle my business. There's no way in HELL Mano's getting past Vi with those guys backing him. I mean... I know my bro can take care of things himself, but everyone needs a little back up sometimes, ya know?

Rose: Well, as long as he's ok with it, I don't see the problem. Hell, it's not like Mano was gonna stand a chance in there against Vi even without back-up. Adding a few men on his side couldn't really do that much harm... right?

Axl: Damn straight. Viruz stands at the opposite side of the apron than the side where Unit 42 is, er, "taking a break". Viruz motions for Bluemaga to enter first. Oh, and by the way, this is an ELIMINATION handicap match... for Mano, I mean. While Viruz's team doesn't have to pin Unit 42, Mano DOES have to pin all SIX members of Viruz's team. I'd like to see Mano even ATTEMPT to do that!

Rose: Dammit, why'd you have to say that Axl!? Now Mano IS trying! As soon as Bluemaga enters the ring, Mano goes for a flying forearm... which connects, knocking Bluemaga for a loop. The large Blue Jersey native stumbles out of the ring through the top and middle ropes and crashes to the floor outside... Dammit Viruz, send someone else in there!!!

Axl: Here comes RDL, the richest black wrestler on Wall Street.

Rose: Isn't he the ONLY black wrestler on Wall Street?

Axl: ... Well, that's neither here nor there. The point is - CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL!!! ... MISSED?! WHAT THE CRUNK?!?!

Rose: Mano just ducked under the clothesline from Ron Layfield... he springboards off the ropes, turns around in mid-air, Ron turns around... Spinning Arm Drag! Ron rolls out of the ring, and in comes... aw hell, Randy Moron. Maybe you shoulda gotten a better quartet of stooges, ya think?

Axl: Moron runs toward Mano... Mano leapfrogs over the oncoming self-proclaimed "One Man Dentistry". I think he may have meant "Dynasty" when he coined that phrase, but God only knows with a man of his IQ... or lack thereof.

Rose: After Mano leaps over him, Randy spins around quickly and lowers to the canvas... crouching... waiting to strike with his patented RetardKO. Mano turns around and Randall goes for his move... but that damn Insano drops Moron backward with a back suplex... followed by a pinfall! 1-2-DAMMIT NO! The beaner bastard just eliminated Randy Moron!

Axl: I knew I shoulda given him the HBK gimmick. Then he wouldn't have been ABLE to job. It woulda been IMPOSSIBLE!

Rose: Well, speaking of which, here comes Triple Ay-Cha. But he's not exactly in "That Damn Good" of shape...

Axl: Triple Ay-Cha has a sledgehammer. A plastic, toy sledgehammer, but a sledgehammer nonetheless. It's as full of hot air as the REAL Triple H!

Rose: Ay-Cha swings the hammer... but it merely pops upon coming in contact with one of the horns of Mano's mask. Ay-Cha goes for a clothesline, but Mano leaps into the air... he grabs Ay-Cha's head, and snaps off the tornado ddt!!! This is NOT looking good...

Axl: Mano heads up top with Ay-Cha sprawled out across the mat... Mano goes for the Insano Sault... and it CONNECTS!!! FV#K! Mano goes for the pin... but John Semen comes in with a chain wrapped around his fist, dropping it down against the back of Insano's head! Ay-Cha regains his senses... Peticure from Triple Ay-Cha... Semen rips Mano back up to his feet... FUCK-YOU!!! Semen just hit the Fuck-You, and is now wrapping Mano in the Shut The Fuck Up! This has GOT to be it!

Rose: Both Semen AND Ay-Cha are going for the pin... Wait... who's that standing in the rafters? ... KAMIKAZE KEN!!! Last week Mano ALMOST helped Ken pick up the victory over Steve Roydz. I expect that the word 'almost' is going to come up this time as well! Ken pulls on a helmet, and what in the hell is this guy thinking? ... OHMYGOD!!!

Axl: Ken... Ken just leaped from the rafters! And is plummeting toward the ring... The ref's counting... 1... 2... DAMMIT! Ken falls right on top of Ay-Cha and Semen just as the hand is falling for the three! While Semen rolls under the bottom rope and falls to the outside, Ay-Cha and Ken roll under the bottom and fall on top of Unit 42. Ken pulls himself up, along with Triple Ay-Cha... Ken struggles to pull the tubby guy up to his feet... but Ay-Cha is able to counter, and WAMMO! Arn Anderson Spinebuster to Kamikaze Ken on the lid of the washing machi- er, Unit 42!

Rose: Inside the ring, Mano slowly reaches his feet by clinging to the ropes... He turns around... CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL!!! Ron Layfield just creamed Mano with a DEVESTATING clothesline, flipping the Lucha Sensation nearly three times in the air! Mano crashes and burns! Now we're cookin' with gas!

Axl: Ron pulls Mano back up, and loads him for the Dominator... SON-OF-A-PORCUPINE!!! Mano with the spinning Flatliner!!! Ron layed out on the canvas, and Mano goes for the pin... 1...2..3!!! One word... DAMN!

Rose: Just as soon as Mano raises up, though, he's attacked from behind at the hands of both Triple Ay-Cha and "The Ching-Chang Choldier" John Semen! Get 'im boys!

Axl: Ay-Cha and Semen set Mano up for a double chokeslam... but somehow he manages to leap into the air and drop them BOTH with a double ddt! He goes for a pin on both men, and gets the 1, 2, 3! That means we're left with only TWO men! My bro... and the man that's sneaking up from behind Mano...

Rose: Mano's spun around and lifted into the air by Bluemaga, who raises his taped pinkie high into the air... but Mano soars out of the clutches of Bluemaga, over the monster's back, and rolls him up in a sunset flip! 1-2-3!!! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!!

Axl: I can't believe this crap! That damned Mano MUST be cheating! There's no way on Earth he could be defeating our men fair and square!

Rose: Mano is on his knees, trying desperately catch his breath...

[Suddenly, the lights cut out... and a lime green 'X' appears on the Tiny-Tron.]

Speakers: Coming soon... the greatest video game console to ever grace your pathetic excuse for a home entertainment system... The X-Station Wii60. From ViTech. Because we're better than you.

[Mano turns his head to stare at the X on the screen, and as he does so, Viruz sneaks up from behind and locks on the Viruz Skan dragon sleeper.]

Axl: YES! Excellent planning by my bro!

Rose: Mano's on the verge of tapping out!!! Oh CRAP, here comes that damn Kurt Angel! Kurt slides into the ring... Heavenly Slam! DAMMIT! And Kurt rolls Mano over onto Vi... 1... 2... NOOO! Mano just pinned your brother!

Axl: SONOFAB!TCH!!!

[Kurt quickly rolls out of the ring and walks up the ramp, high-fiving a few fans on the way. Kurt reaches the stage and turns around to pose one last time, but Viruz is holding a microphone.]

Viruz: KURT! That's it! I've had all I can stand and I can't stand anymore! At UnFourGiven... it's gonna be you... and me... in the first ever 'Enter the Vortex' match!!! You're going to experience the debut of my greatest creation... The X-Station Wii60! You like pain? You're gonna get more than even YOU can handle, because every ounce of pain you feel in the game? You feel... for REAL. Your Judgement Day is appreaching, Kurt... and this time? You WON'T be going to heaven!!!

[Viruz drops the microphone with a loud clatter and static. Viruz locks eyes with Kurt from across the arena... a deadly gaze shared between the two... as the audience backs Angel.]

=================================================================

[Paradox raises the sword up, with the tip pointing right at Studnuts' chest.]

SW: WHORE! WHORE! WHORE!

Styles: Jerri Li just saved Studnuts life with that spear to Paradox. Nipple Cutter by SMP on Jerri? Pigeon's in. PIGEON DROP on Plants! Fireball to Pigeon by Kevin the Pyromaniac! The Great just hit Kevin with a Twist of Great! Duff just knocked down the Great. House of the Rising Sun locked in on The Great!

SW: It's a finishing move blowout. Every finishing move must GO!

Styles: Insano Sault by Mano takes out Duff! Now Roydz has Mano. The HeadLock! Luke Warm has arrived. DOUBLE STONECUTTER on Roydz and Mano! Sinister Slice by Axl on Luke Warm! Death is right behind Axl! But Axl grabs Death and hits ANOTHER Sinister Slice! Is he psychic? How the hell did he know Death was right behind him?

SW: I think he used the awesome power of the Script. Page 26.

Styles: Sonofa…And another Sinister Slice for XXXtreme Machine. Axl is the last man standing? Are you kidding me?

["The Imperial March" plays. Vader nods in approval, turns around and walks away.]

Styles: Fans, it's been an unbelievable night. Dr. Thrilla's got the Swiss Army Belt. And in two weeks, round two will begin. I'm also being told that there will be an important announcement in the Newz Zone shortly about Round 2 of The Grand Slam Tournament.

SW: What's on here next week?

Styles: A classic episode of BOB.

SW: A repeat?

Caption: ©2008 BOB Wrestling!

Styles: Yes, a repeat. Or some sort of clip show. Tune in and find out. Until then, fans, thanks for joining us. Good night everybody!



=============================================
BoB : Total Non-Action Wrestling : iMPLOSION! 7 - 05/28/08
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Be True To Yourself...
======

[Scene: Sinister City Laundromat...]

[The camera opens to find Axl removing his mini skirts and fishnet panty hose from the dryer. He loads them up into a basket, and carries the basket outside to his VW Beetle...]

Axl: Steve, can you open the back door?

Steve Roydz: [wearing a red, white, and blue singlet, and a bald cap] IT'S STUCK! IT'S DAMN STUCK!

Axl: Huh... well, I guess I'll just lay it down on the passenger's seat, and you'll have to walk home.

Steve Roydz: THAT SUCKS! THAT DAMN SUCKS!

[As Steve walks off, headed toward the Residence of Evil, Axl shakes his head.]

Axl: I don't know WHAT gave Rose the idea for that gimmick... Lame as hell, if you ask me...

[As Axl opens the driver's side door, Garth Vader emerges from within the vehicle. Axl immediately bows to one knee, and Vader rests a palm on his student's shoulder.]

Axl: What is thy bidding my master?

Vader: Axl... *wheeze* ... I have been keeping an eye on you and your exploits here in Sinister City. I "Believe", as you say, that you would be much better suited... *wheeze* ... if you were to reach deep down within... *wheeze* ... and become your TRUE self.

[Axl quickly looks up at his teacher, with a puzzled expression on his face.]

Axl: But... Lord Vader? This is who I am... I'm goth. Or atleast... poser goth. Emo. Something around that general area... I'm no longer a hair metalist. The 80s are dead... and -

Vader: *wheeze* I speak not of 80s hair metal. But I know for certain you are not goth. A poser is someone trying to be something they are not. A poser is what you've been for quite a few months now. It is time for you to shed the makeup... colorful or otherwise... *wheeze* ... and to reach into your gut, Young Axl-walker, and to see yourself for who you ARE, and not for who you TRY to be. Then and only then can you truly become... evil. There is much power within you... but for you to unleash this power, you must stay true to yourself. That is one of the most important lessons I can teach you. *wheeze* All the greats have been not some flimsy "gimmick", but an honest, TRUE rendition of themselves.

Vader: Triple H has always played the egotistical, self-obsessed asshole that would break a sledgehammer over the skull of his own mother if it meant another world title reign under his belt. John Cena? An obnoxious wigger, who only the most feeble-minded of us all find themselves as his faithful 'Chain Gang Soldiers'. And of course, BoB's Crown Jewel... Trey Vincent. *wheeze* He's always played one role. One role so true to himself that it's hard to distinguish when he's in or out of character. And that role? A pompous jerk with his head so far up his own ass he can see what he ate last week.

Vader: It is time, Axl, that you became what you've always been destined to be. And only YOU know what that is. Look inside your heart, Axl... and let out the REAL you.

[Axl lowers his head once again, as Vader places a hand on Axl's forehead. Soon, Axl lifts his head once more... and Vader is gone.]

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