WSE 2008 : SmackRaw - Ep.1

[THE Mac Bry v2]

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October 11th, 2008
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> > > cue shoddily put together intro package... crappy "nu-metal" theme... enter Sinister Stadium < < <

[We pan across the Sinister Stadium audience, packed to the rafters, and cheering their brains out... Yes, the pay-per-view audience surely packed the arena... thanks soley to the fact that they were all payed to appear. Unfortunately, the people of Sinister City were no longer willing to waste their time on this crap, no matter how much they got paid. We then stop looking at the taped footage of We Win Everything, and show tonight's audience...]

[The arena is the new "Middle of Nowhere" colliseum in Nowhere, Oklahoma... and the audience consists entirely of cardboard cut-outs, stuffed animals, and homeless crackheads.]

[Now that Chairman Hoff no longer has to pay hundreds of people to pack an arena, he can spend his money on more important things... like PYRO~!!!1 Yes, the preeecious pyro blasts off across the ringside area, scaring the crap out of the crackheads in the seats... uggh... most literally, I'm disgusted to say... Those seats are going to need some cleaning before the first episode of ECW Nitro...]

[We head over to the announce desk, where Wes Rivers is flipping through pages of the script... while Rex Winters flips through pages of Penthouse...]

Rex Winters: LESBIANS! DOMINATRIXES! NURSES, SCHOOLGIRLS, AND BIG BEAUTIFUL BOOBIES! YIPEEEEEE!

Wes Rivers: It says here that that issue of Penthouse will later be stolen by one of the crackheads in the audience...

Rex: Not while I'm around! I'm gaurding this baby with my life!!!

Wes: Alright, but I'd savor those pages while you can, buddy boy... Anyway, welcome sports fans, to the Middle of Nowhere, right here in the UnFed's new home of Nowhere, Oklahoma! I'm Wes Rivers, alongside, as always, Rex Winters! And THIS... is the debut edition of SmackRaw? !!!

Rex: And THIS... is me going to take a piss.

Wes: ...

[Rex leaves the table to take a piss. ... Yep.]

Wes: ... Alright sports fans, tonight is set to be THE GREATEST NIGHT IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT HISTORY!!! El Taco and Jippy Jam the Japanese Jughead will be taking on Redd W. Bloo in a handicap, 4th of July Death Match! Double Oh-Zero, Goo the Adventurer, the Brown Power Ranger, and the world's worst Elvis impersonator, The King, will battle eachother in a 4-way Elimination Table Match to crown the very first EVER Rising to Mid-Card Status and then Sorta Just Staying There Champ! And in our main event, the boss man, Jack Hoff will face Megalopolis' local Super Human, SuperGuyManDudePerson, in a ladder match for the Chairman's Sports Entertainment title!

[Suddenly, a crackhead from the crowd, coked up and in a wild state, rushes over the barricade and rips the porno mag from off the table top.]

Wes: Hey! That belongs to Rex! Plus, the crackhead who steals the Penthouse is supposed to have brown hair, not blonde! And he's not supposed to show up until three segments from now!

Crackhead: Yeah, well, I pimped my sister out for crack money. But, I wanted to look good for my date, so I bought hair dye instead.

Wes: Who did you take on a date?

Crackhead: My sister.

Wes: ...

Crackhead: And the reason I showed up early is, I heard she was in this issue, so I just HAD to get my hands on a copy!

Wes: Is she in there?

Crackhead: Yup! Page 59, right'chere, eatin' out cousin Peggy-May! They always was the bestest of friends growin' up... REAAAL close, if ya know what I mean...

Wes: You're jacking off, aren't you.

Crackhead: Yeah...

Wes: Well, could you atleast not do it sitting in Rex's chair? You'll get man juice all over the script!

Crackhead: Oh, alright!

[The crackhead rushes back to his seat before his shaft explodes... Rex comes back to the desk, and quickly notices his magazine missing... Rex takes his seat, and pulls his headset back on...]

Rex: Wes... where the HELL did my Penthouse go?

Wes: I told you! The script knows all!

Rex: FUC-

["Sweat Pants in Hell" hits on the speakers, and pre-recorded boos fill the arena.]

Wes: Here he is, sports fans! Jack Hoff, the Chairman of the Bored!

Rex: And the greatest World Sports Entertainment Champion the UnFed has ever seen!

Wes: He's the FIRST World Sports Entertainment Champion the UnFed has ever seen... And I'M supposed to be the shill around here, Rex, don't steal my gimmick... it's the only one I have! Stick to sucking up, since I know you're great at that sorta thing...

Rex: Not as good as you, Wes. Atleast, from what raYne tells me. ;-)

Wes: You sunnuva...!

[Jack Hoff struts his fat gut through the curtains, with the S.E. title resting over his shoulder... because let's face it, without an extension cord, there's No Chance in Hell that Jack's getting that thing around his waist!]

Wes: Accompanying Hoff is his muscle-headed, muscle-bound bodyguard, Val Halla, the descendant of the God of Thunder, Thor.

Rex: Dammit, I guess I should have held my bladder... Or taken the Penthouse with me! *slaps forehead* Stupid fly... but anyway, I can't BELIEVE I didn't think of that... Porn always makes good bathroom "reading" material, wink, wink!

Wes: Yeah... I see you're as witty and clever as ever, Rex...

Rex: Don't I know it!

Wes: Alright sports fans, after the following commercial break, Chairman Hoff will address the crackheads, teddy bears, and cardboard cut-outs. I wonder what he has to say?

Rex: Hopefully that he has an extra Penthouse lying around...

Wes: We'll all find out, -

- ads -

Wes: - Right now!

Jack Hoff: First of all... there's been a few changes. For one thing, ECW Nitro is no more. I know I said that raYne would be restricted to jobbing on ECW Nitro, but I guess he'll just have to do his jobbing here, on the UnFed's ONLY televised program, SmackRaw?, right here on The Weather Channel!!!~1 Also, once again, an UnFed card has been changed at the last second. It's on the Not-the-Titan-Tron, as usual.

Fan in the third row: NO! IT'S! NOT!

Jack Hoff: Ugh... Copy and PASTE, bitches!!!

- raYne vs Brown Ranger : Table Match to crown first ever Rising to Mid-Card Status and then Sorta Just Staying There Champion

- Redd W. Bloo vs Jippy Jam the Japanese Jughead : 4th of July Death Match

- MAIN EVENT

Jack Hoff: Now that we got that outta the way... You may be wondering what the main event is. Well, to put it simply, it's the debut of a new "concept match"... a match I like to call the Fingerpoke of Doom Match! It'll be Val Halla... vs ME... for MY Sports Entertainment title! Yes, yes, I know, Val's not an easy challenge... Are ya Val?

Val: Sure am, boss.

Jack Hoff: ... Ahem. BUT... I plan on giving it my all. ... Heheh... Yeah, I mean, I'm sure you're going to make it hard for me, right Val?

Val: Nope.

Jack Hoff: ... Alrighty then! Finally, I have two special belts to award to two very special people! Triple S and John Semen... come on down!

[The "Price is Right" theme plays, and Shnozz and Semen run down from the back, with happy smiles of happiness on their faces. Let's see, these two guys have two belts which are for jobbers... but these guys are rip-offs... er, I mean, HUGE fans... of "certain" WWE stars... that just so happen to ALWAYS hold the top titles in their promotion... yeah, I think you can pretty much connect the dots.]

Triple S: Thanks boss! You're THAT... DAMN... GOOD!

Semen: Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, YO! ... Thanks boss.

Jack Hoff: Alright, alright, I haven't even brought the belts out yet. First off, for you TripS, I have the Big Plastic and Styrofoam Belt.

[Jack hands Triple S the belt, and Triple S hands Jack the Unimportant Title that TripS WAS in possesion of...]

Jack Hoff: And Semen, I've got a REALLY special belt for you!

[Jack hands John the Bling Bling Belt of Much Merchandising.]

Semen: Yo, yo, y- ... uh, what's so special about it?

Jack Hoff: It spins! See?

[Jack spins the faceplate of the belt.]

Semen: ... Wow. That's... lame. ... Yo.

[Jack turns to the camera, while Val, TripS, and Semen stand behind him... Semen looking less than enthusiastic over his title aquisition.]

Jack Hoff: Now... enjoy the show folks! ... Or don't. I couldn't really fuckin' care less. Seriously. No chance in hell I could care less. Cue ads.

- ads -

Wes Rivers: Welcome back to SmackRaw? folks! I've been informed during the commercial break, that this next match, the table match between raYne and the Brown Power Ranger is now for the Unimportant Title!

Rex Winters: I hope raYne gets the CRAP knocked outta him! GET IT?! Crap?! The Brown Power Ranger?! CRAP!!! ... GET IT?!?!

Wes: I think we all get it, Rex...

Rex: Meh, my humor's way over your head, and you know it. You're just too ashamed too admit it. :-P

Wes: Anyway sports fans, this contest should be BRUTAL! raYne is set to compete for his second title -

Rex: Second?! This would be his FIRST, and you know it! His title "reign" with the Sports Entertainment title has been stricken from the record!

Wes: Oh come on, Rex! That whole thing was a sham. Chairman Hoff removed the belt from raYne for two reasons and two reasons ONLY. To take the belt off of a gay man, someone he's AFRAID of... and to put it around HIS waist. Well, atleast, over his shoulder, because let's face it... there's no way that belt's fitting around his gut.

Rex: Ah, you're just jealous.

Wes: Of what?

Rex: ... On to the match!

Rat Bore: First match of show, Raw Is Smack, be title vacant determine time! Title vacant is be Belt which is Not of Much Important! Facing eachother the two of guys in match which has the wooden furnitures! BREAKAGE!

Rat Bore: Intro time for first... He fag! He queer!... He taste gay! Heee - Curry raYne!!!

["Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" by Cyndi Lauper plays, and the Homo Hero prances and dances out from the back, in a leather skirt and jean vest. As raYne makes his way down to the ring, he blows kisses to the cardboard cut-outs and stuffed animals. Once he steps inside the ring, Rat Bore begins to announce raYne's opponent.]

Rat Bore: His opponent!

[... That's it?]

Rat Bore: That it.

[Thanks for that exciting introduction, Rat.]

Rat Bore: A problem... NOT!

[... The "Power Rangers" theme song plays on the speakers, as moments pass... before long though, sounds are heard from behind the stage. Sounds of engines... gears... a bunch of shit, really. Wait a minute! It couldn't be... IT IS! It's the Brown Zord! The Big... Bad... Walking Robo Turd!!! Yes, the giant robotic piece of shit, staggers to the ring... with the Brown Ranger seen behind a window, manning the control deck. Brownie flips switches and turns knobs, as raYne simply smirks from within the squared-circle.]

Wes: It's the debut of the Brown Zord! The Brown Ranger's most dangerous weapon!

Rex: You'd think it would be his breath. I hear it smells like CRAP! GET IT?!

Wes: Ugh... For the seventeenth time, WE GET IT! Jeez!

[The Big Bad Walking Robo Turd lumbers slowly toward the ring... when suddenly, it halts.]

Brown Ranger: Dammit! The controls are jammed! Piece ah CRAP!

Rex: CRAP! HAHAHA!

Wes: You sure do enjoy that word, don't you?

Rex: It's FUNNY!!!

Wes: To a third grader maybe...

Rex: ...

Rat Bore: BURN~!!!1 You be had burn!

Rex: Shut up, foreign... GUY!

Wes: Wow, nice one Rex.

Rex: Just give me about... an hour. I'll think of a better one...

Wes: Anyway-

Rex: I WILL!!!

Wes: ANYWAY... it appears as if Brownie has decided to ditch the Zord a third of the way down the ramp, and will be making the rest of his way to the ring on foot.

Rex: Man... what a long and arduous journey that must be.

[Brownie slides into the ring, and steps up to raYne. As the two lock glares, the referee signals for the bell.]

Wes: This match is for all the marbles!

Rex: Phff, ch'yeah, RIGHT! The Unimportant Title? ALL the marbles? More like one marble. One really CRUMMY marble... like, a smelly, brown marble. ... I'm sure that'll be right up the Ranger's alley.

Wes: Yes, the Unimportant title, the greatest title in the UnFed that isn't!

Rex: ... Huh?

Wes: raYne rushes toward Brownie, looking for a running clothesline, but Brownie ducks under... raYne springboards off the ropes, leaps toward the Brown Ranger, who turns around, right into a flying dropkick!

Rex: Dammit, Mr. Hoff told this butt pirate to stick to jobbing! So why isn't he jobbing?!

Wes: Because he has the heart, the will, and the determination to take home the gold!

Rex: Sure. More like, he's got a longing to touch the Brown Ranger in all the wrong places, and he's going to do anything he can to stay in that ring for as long as he can!

BBQ: BAH GAWD FOLKS, HALL FAHR 'N' FIRESTONE!!!

Rex: ... Boom Boom, why are you here?

BBQ: Well, I gotta tell ya pardner, good ol' Jack Hoff told me I'd be out here tah do somethin' special later on tonight, right after this here match in fact.

Wes: Well, it's good to have you at the table, Boom Boom.

Rex: No it's not! YOU LIE!

Wes: In any event, raYne is absolutely taking it to Brownie. raYne leaps toward the Ranger with a cross body, and the two tumble to the outside... raYne pulls out a table from beneath the ring, slides it in under the bottom rope, and grabs onto Brownie... but the Ranger manages to get a knee to the gut. The Ranger rolls raYne into the ring... but raYne begins smacking the Brown Ranger's ass as soon as he slides in!

Rex: Oh that's just not right!

BBQ: BAH GAWD! BAH GAWD! As Gawd as muh witness, that man has just been smacked in the ass!!!

Rex: ... Can someone get this guy away from me?

Wes: raYne begins riding the Ranger, but Brownie manages to slip out. As soon as Brownie stands, raYne hits a perfectly executed Dropsault, sending Brownie rolling across the mat... raYne leans the table up against the corner, and then rests Brownie against the wood... this could be it, sports fans!

[Suddenly, "Sweat Pants in Hell" begins to play, and pre-recorded boos are heard. Jack Hoff walks down the ramp, swinging his arms to-and-fro in a very "McMahon-esque" fashion. Only, with Jack's added arm flab, it's not a very appealing sight, to say the least...]

Wes: The Chairman is strutting to the ring... with a huge grin on his face? What's he up to?

BBQ: It's all a part ah that there gosh darn plan, muh boy!

Rex: PUPPIES!!!

Wes: ... Puppies? Are you talking about the Chairman's man boobs, Rex?

Rex: ... Damn.

[Jack stands at the foot of the ring, and just when raYne was about to spear Brownie through the table, his attention is diverted. Jack sticks his tounge out at raYne, and raYne motions for the Chairman to come into the ring and take on the Homo Hero... but instead, Brownie sneaks in from behind, and - ]

Wes: GERMAN SUPLEX!!! Brownie just hit an extremely crappy, yet effective german suplex, smashing raYne through the table... and winning the match!!!

Rat Bore: Gentlemen ladies! Winner of you, is Brown Ranger... and champion of Unimportance!

Rex: Yay. A shitty belt for a shitty wrestler with a gimmick based around shit. Oh happy day...

[With raYne laid out in the wreckage left by the table, Brownie clutches the Unimportant title in his grasp... as Jack Hoff walks toward the announce table.]

Wes: Hey, it's the big cheese in charge! Sports fans watching at home, please welcome the man himself, Jack Hoff! What brings you here, on the debut edition of Smack-

Jack Hoff: Get the fuck outta my announce position, Wes. And that goes double for you, Rex!

Wes: ...

Rex: But boss! I've been sucking up to you non-stop, just like you suggested! And it was an awesome suggestion, might I add! A really, really, REALLY good sugges-

Jack Hoff: I SAID GET OUT! GET OUT, GET OUT, GET... OUT!!!~!1! The two of you will no longer be doing the announcing for this company... And you wanna know why? Because... you're both FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~!!!1!

Wes: ... But-

Jack Hoff: SECURITY!

Rex: Security?! You can't call security on me! Do you know who I am! I'M REX WINTERS!!! And there's not a damn thing you can do to get rid of-

- ads -

BBQ: Hi there folks, this here's yer good ol' pal, "Scalded Dawg" Boom Boom Quaker, alongside, as always, the Chairman, as well as the World Sports Entertainment Heavyweight Champion... Jack HOFF!

Jack: Now that's quite an introduction, Boom Boom. Yes folks, tonight, I will be defending the title that I won in a hard fought match -

BBQ: Er, excuse me boss, but I thought you just kinda... sorta... HANDED yer self that there belt?

Jack: >:- (

BBQ: Uhm... on second thought, maybe you DID win it... yup, ya sure did! Fair and square, hard fought battle, the whole she-bangs!

Jack: You're damn right! And tonight, I'll be defending that title against the one and only, Val Halla! But first, we've got the first ever Fourth of July DEATH MATCH!!!

BBQ: But wait... isn't it October?

Jack: So?

BBQ: ... On to the match!

Rat Bore: Next match happen on fourth of July, when in fact, it happen on eleventh of October! It Match of Dead, with much weapon of action and hazardous!

[The ringmat has been draped with a giant American flag-styled sheet... the ropes have been replaced with red, white and blue barbedwire ropes... there are firework stands on either side of the ring... and hanging from a pole in all four corners are bags, containing weapons. Jippy Jam the Japanese Jughead is already standing in the ring.]

Rat Bore: Intro first time... he is jobber, and is scheduled for one fall to America Male! Jam-Jam Jap the Jippy Juggy!

[Jippy Jam does a few shoddy kung-fu strikes to the air, as the audience is... non-existent.]

Rat Bore: And opponent! He come from Land of Milk and Honey! He know how to party like funky monkey! He funny like a bunny and he make the money money... Misteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Ammmmmeeeeerrrrrrriiiiiiiiccccccc... *reads cue card* Whoops! Redd W. Bloo, means I!

["Proud to be an American" plays, and Redd W. Bloo comes out, strumming at an invisible guitar. He flexes his muscles, before mosying down the ramp, continuing to "play" the air guitar. Jippy, meanwhile, is now practicing his karate kicks... not sure how much good those are going to do in a bonified squash match.]

BBQ: Bah gawd folks, Redd W. Bloo is a HOSS! He has all da gall darn tools tah make it, let's just see if he can put 'em together tah win this here match!

Jack: Of course he will. This is a bonifide squash. Just ask the narrator.

[Redd W. steps up the steel... steps, and climbs into the ring, and as soon as he does, Jippy unloads with chops, kicks, and other assorted "karate" moves, that are little more than basic strikes. Redd W. shrugs off these attacks, before whipping Jippy into the corner... and following in with a monstrous, avalanche body splash. The ref signals for the bell, and this one's underway!]

[With Jippy still in the corner, Redd W. climbs to the post above the anime enthusiast... succesfully retrieving an apple pie!]

BBQ: Bah gawd folks, what's more American than APPLE PIE, APPLE PIE, BAH GAWD APPLE PIE!!!... Know what I mean?

Jack: Not really. But I'm beggin' ya tah scream in my other ear, I think I can still hear out of it...

[Redd W. reels back with the pie, before smushing it into Jippy's face. Redd then whips Jippy into the ropes... Jippy returns, and Redd W. lifts Jippy up... before SLAMMING him back down with an elevated spinebuster.]

BBQ: The Double A Spinebuster! Shades of the late Arn Anderson!

Jack: Uh... Boom Boom? Arn's still alive.

BBQ: Nope.

Jack: ... Yes he is.

BBQ: He's alive and kickin'!

Jack: THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID!!!~!!1!

BBQ: STONE COLD STUNNER! STONE COLD STUNNER! STONE COLD STUNNER!

Jack: Huh?! ... Wait a minute, what's "Drunk Ass" Austin Stevens doing?! Get him outta there! I didn't have him scheduled to make an unannounced appearance till page 27 of the script!

BBQ: "Drunk Ass" with the rootin' tootin' Drunk Ass Drop! And as gawd as muh witness, Jippy Jam has been broken in half!

Jack: Meh, that was too close to the original source material.

BBQ: Uhm... As gawd as muh witness, Jippy Jam has been broken in TWO!!!

Jack: Much, MUCH better.

Drunk Ass: Ya melee mouthed, Jap-o-neese cartoon' lovin' sum BITCH! Ya just done got on muh last nerve, boy! I took about alls I can stands and I can't stands nuh more! NEH-EH! Cuz at the Cyber Series, I'mma take yer lilly livered, cotton pickin', big eyed carcass, and I'mma Drunk Ass Drop that there sumbitch! And then? Then, I'mma have one Sudweiser!

Crowd: ...

Drunk Ass: Two Sudweisers!

Crowd: ...

Drunk Ass: THREE... ... Hey, what in tarnation happened tah the damn crowd?

BBQ: BAH GAWD! ... Uh, there ain't no crowd. Sorry, buddy, ol' buddy, ol' pal.

Drunk Ass: Dammit... Well then, ya know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna challenge you, Jippy Sumbitch the Sumbitchin'... SUMBITCH.... ya rat-nosed, tooth-lickin', side-windin', gun-slingin', pinch-pocketed picket pullin' PISSANT... to a match at Cyber Series. And these here fans in attendance... well, the fans that AREN'T in attendance... if there are any... will be able tah vote on somethin' very damn important! They'll get tah decide what hat, ol' "Drunk Ass" Austin Stevens gets tah wear to the ring! And my good god damn friend Boom Boom Quaker's gunna tell yall how it's done!

BBQ: Right'cha are, Austin! They'll be votin' on somethin' in every match through a revolutionary system! It's simple, really, all yalls gots tah do, is find an envelope, put about a hundred or two hundred bucks in there, and send it to the UnFed headquarters, and we'll be kind enough tah choose whichever one ah the three choices we gall darn wanna!

Jack Hoff: All profits go to... well, me. So gimme money!!!

Drunk Ass: Ya hear that? *checks watch... well, his wrist... whatever* Jippy, that's the sound of your time tickin' on down! And THAT'S the bottom ah the ninth... because some guy said it was!

BBQ: Folks, Austin Stevens will face Jippy Jam at Cyber Series, but when the Arkansas Garden Snake comes to the ring, he'll be wearing one of three hats. The three choices that YOU will be able to choose... you meaning US... will be ;

a) a beer hat

b) a beer hat... with the phrase "Stevens 2:15" across the front

c) a beer hat... with the phrase "Stevens 2:15" across the front... and it'll be black instead of red.

Redd W. : Wow... interesting. Seriously, it is. Now... Austin... can you PLEASE get outta the ring, so I can pin this chump?

Drunk Ass: Uh... sure.

[Stevens leaves the ring... and Redd W. pins the fallen Jippy Jam. The ref counts the one, the two, and the three, and we have a weiner.]

BBQ: Weiner?! WHERE?!

Jack: Settle down, lard ass, there ain't no damn hot dogs. The guy was just purposefully screwin' up the word "winner". Apparently, to our writer, who's very, VERY tired, that's considered "funny". I'm gonna hafta fire his ass... in the morning.

Rat Bore: And your winner he is - U.S. of A. Man!

[Redd W. rips the microphone out of Rat Bore's hands and lifts it to his own mouth.]

Redd W. : Ya know what, DUDE! Brother, I've been travellin up and down those mountains, dude, and I've seen alot ah chinks and fags. Alot ah jews and stupid bimbo chicks... and lemme tell ya somethin' mean gene! I'm not like them, JACK! I'm the real deal, BROTHER! I'm American Made, MAN! GRRR!!!

[Redd W. Bloo grabs at his shirt, and tries to rip it off. Failing miserably, Redd continues to speak...]

Redd W. : And dude, beginning next week, the DubbyaManiac is gonna let loose on every last commie that's made this country what it is today... a SHELL of its former self! That's why, starting next week, I'm gonna lay down the gauntlet, brother dude man JACK! I'm gonna begin the "Stars and Stripes Invitational"! It's gonna be anyone who's either not white, not Christian, not a DUDE... or worst of all, not STRAIGHT. *shudders* ... taking on yours truly, the protector of everything red, WHITE, and blue... but mostly WHITE. So... whatcha gonna do, you commie scum... when the patriotic powerhouse himself... runs wild... on... YYYYYOOOOUUUU!!!!!~!!!1!

[Redd W. flexes, poses, and plays air guitar, as we head to - ]

- ads -

Rat Bore: Lady and men which is gentle! Night time is main event time, and event main time for YOU! Bring on the clowns!

BBQ: Bah gawd, did he just call you a clown, boss?

Jack: Remind me to fire him later... Anyway, I'm off to the ring. Heheh... wish me luck. ;-)

BBQ: Good luck boss!

Jack: Like I need it... Er... I mean... Well, let's face it, it's a fingerpoke of doom match! YOU do the math!

BBQ: Huh... let's see, one plus one, divided by three, carry the pi... mmm... pie...

Rat Bore: Coming in ringed square first, him be champion of Entertainment Sports... him ALSO be Man in Chair of whole company, so much up sucking must I do... him be... RIP HOFF!!!

Jack: THAT'S JACK HOFF!!! JACK Hoff, numbskull! Ya know what... YOU'RE FIRED!

Rat Bore: WHA'?! No, no, no, no! You cannah be fire of me! Good times! Please I say, you have good times with the Rat Bore! You want me suck dick?

Jack: Suck THIS!

[Suddenly, Rat Bore is spun around, and dropped with a huge right fist to the jaw. Val Halla stands above Rat, with his wavy blonde locks flowing in the air. I wonder where that breeze is always coming from...]

Jack: WES! Come back down he-

Wes: Yes boss!

Jack: ... That was quick. Huh. ... Anyway, introduce the fans to the challenger!

Wes: Alright! Yes boss, whatever you say boss! I-

Jack: Just get on with the damn intro!

Wes: Yes, yes... ahem. In this corner, weighing in at-

Rex Winters: WAIT A DAMN MINUTE!!!

Jack: Oh jesus tap dancing CHRIST, what is it now?!

Rex: Why would you hire HIM back, and not me?! WHY? Didn't I suck up to you?! Didn't I blow smoke up your ass like you wanted me to?!

Jack: Ya know... ya did. But I just don't like your name. It's too... generic.

Wes Rivers: It sure is boss!

Jack: Thanks Wes. Anyway, come back to me when you have a less generic sounding name.

Rex: Oh? Is that what you want? Is that what you REALLY want? Well then! I'll give it to you! From now on, I'm going by my REAL name...

Rex: REX RUSSO!!!

Jack: ... Awesome. Now, sit down, call the match with Boom Boom, and let me do my DAMN job!

Rex: ... That's Russo as is in Vin-

- ads -

Rex: ARGH!

BBQ: Welcome back folks! If you just joined us, Chairman Hoff is in the ring, and is about to defend his title against the number one contender, who just so happens to be his personal bodyguard...

Rex: Yeah. In what is called a "Fingerpoke of Doom Match". It's surely not apparent where THIS is headed... give me a break.

BBQ: Oh you're just jealous.

Rex: Of what?

BBQ: Well, maybe of the fact that I'm Mr. Hoff's new number one announcer!

Rex: ... You SUCK.

BBQ: Yeah. But YOU suck DICK.

Rex: >:- (

Wes: BURN~!!!

Rex: Oh go back to your seat, ya... dummy. And by the way. Boom Boom... where'd your hackneyed southern accent go?

BBQ: I'm not using it.

Rex: ... That explains it.

BBQ: The referee signals for the bell, and this match is underway! Jack moves toward Val... Val moves toward Jack... annnd... FINGERPOKE! Jack just poked Val! AND VAL FELL!!!

Rex: Down a well? He might just yell! And this is stupid as HELL!

BBQ: Jack goes for the pin, and -

[Suddenly, the lights cut off... The Not-the-Titan-Tron fills with a message... "A Storm is Coming". Thunder is heard... and now "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" is playing!!! Could it be!? ... Well, I guess that's pretty much obvious, huh?]

BBQ: Dammit, no! It can't be!!!

Rex: Aw jeez... now I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. Cheer the queer... or give my soul to the devil! ARGH!

BBQ: The lights return, and raYne is on the stage! That infernal Storm has come! But he's not coming toward the ring?! Mr. Hoff stands by the ropes, motioning for raYne to come forth... but wait a damn minute! From the crowd! DAMMIT JACK, turn around! It's raYne's newest allies, The Bad Gay and Big Daddy Queer : The Coming Outsiders!

Rex: Where do you get all your information?

BBQ: From the script.

Rex: Oh yeah. Nevermind. *looks at script* Hey! It says here that I'll be getting my Penthouse magazine back from that crackhead soon!

[The crackhead from earlier tosses Rex the magazine. Rex picks it up, but immediately drops it, with a disgusted look on his face.]

Rex: EWW!!! Jizz stains! There's no WAY I'm touching that!

BBQ: Gay and Queer are getting in the ring, and are headed for Val Halla! Dammit Jack, turn around!

[The Coming Outsiders blast Val with a double powerbomb. Val rolls under the bottom rope, dropping to the outside. The tag team / life partners walk behind Jack... The Bad Gay taps Jack on the shoulder... Jack turns around, and is scared so much he tumbles out of the ring. He backs up a few steps... but suddenly remembers that the Storm is standing mid-way up the ramp. He turns... and is now nose to nose with the Homo Hero!]

BBQ: OH BAH GAWD! Don't do it, raYne! Jack Hoff is too young tah die!

Rex: Aw man... choices, choices, choices... aw screw it, KILL HIM RAYNE! You go girl! ... That may be pushing it too far...

BBQ: raYne chases Jack around the ring... wait, they're coming this way! raYne sends a superkick toward Jack, and the boss eats the boot! Jack's... HE'S FALLING RIGHT ON TOP AH ME!!!

Rex: Uh oh... ... Actually, that might be a good thing! Now both Boom Boom AND Jack might be injured! I just got a double win! Yay for me!

[Jack accidentally squashes Boom Boom Quaker, and the two big men are lying in a big heap of blubber. raYne steps into the ring, and pulls something out of a black bag... It's a championship belt! A belt with... a rainbow on the face plate? ... Yeah, none of this makes sense any more...]

raYne: First of all, like, allow me to introduce you all, to THE most totally awesome radical guys in like, ALL of the UnFed, The Bad Gay and Big Daddy Queer! And the three of us make up the FAG...WORLD...ORDER!!! Which is, like, sooo totally cool! Together, we're going to take down Jack Hoff and lift his iron grip on the Sports Entertainment title! But until we're able to do that, I have here in my petite little hands, the CUTEST championship belt, like, EVER! It's the Only World Title that Matters!!! ... Which is of course, the Rainbow World Title! Yes, the Rainbow World Title, the title that represents every color of the rainbow, especially lime green and hot pink, the colors which my boy friends Gay and Queer over here wear proudly!

The Bad Gay: ... Gay yo. Survey says... We're here... we're queer... GET USED TO IT!!!

Big Daddy Queer: When you're a fag? You're a fag... 4... LIFE!!!

raYne: Jack... be ready for Cyber Series. Because your adorable little ass... is NEXT!!!

Rex: I think the fWo has just made a HUGE statement! And hell, they've even made a fan out of me! Boom Boom appears to be severely injured from this lard ass falling ontop of him, so expect a permanent replacement for Quaker starting next week! I'm Rex Russo, saying -

[Suddenly, Jack Hoff reaches up onto the desk, and uses it to pull himself up. He stares Rex in the eyes.]

Jack: You're damn right there's going to be a replacement for that JR knock off! I've decided to have him stick to the Rest Hold. As for his replacement? Seeing as Wes has now been properly brainwashed... ERRR, "persuaded" into cheering for the right team... namely, MY team... I've decided to give him back his old commentary job. And if you don't like it? YOU'RE FIRED! ... AGAIN!

Rex: Well, I wouldn't normally like it... but seeing as I'd rather sit next to him than BBQ the Hutt, I guess I can handle it. ... Hey, want a Penthouse magazine?

Jack: Boobies!

Rex: I'll take that as a yes.

[Rex hands Jack the magazine. Jack smiles at first... before looking a bit puzzled.]

Jack: ... Why is it wet?

Rex: Goodnight everybody!

Jack: ... Rex?

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[The camera returns, one last time, to Rat Bore, walking to his car, with his suitcase... a glum look on his face. Suddenly, Mike Stand rushes over to him with a microphone.]

Mike: Rat! Rat Bore! I've just been told by Mr. Hoff that you have your job back! Any comments?

Rat Bore: ... That jackass really can't make up his mind, can he?

Mike: ...

Rat Bore: Ahhh, but keed! Everybody gay!

Mike: ... ?

[Rat steps into his car... and drives off, leaving Mike Stand puzzled. Was Rat Bore's "crazy foreign gibberish speak" really just an act? Could we be seeing an all NEW Rat Bore from now on?!]

[...]

[Nah.]

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